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Support for Separated Dads

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 10 Mar 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Separated Dads Support Samaritans

As anyone experiencing it can tell you, being a separated dad is far from easy. There are issues to deal with, whether they’re emotional, legal or Financial. You can do it alone, and many have, but it’s much easier if you can find support, whether it’s just someone to talk to about the way you feel or aid through the labyrinth of bureaucracy. Thankfully, there are a growing number of organisations that can help you.

The Main Organisations

Families Need Fathers (www.fnf.org.uk) – this organisation works with lone parents of both sexes. It has booklets and pamphlets that can help you as a separated father, as well as a parenting plan and workshops with trained facilitators. Although a political organisation in part (it has a presence at all three party conferences), its focus is on individuals. It’s £35 a year to join (FNF is a registered charity), but that offers access to many more options. There is also a helpline open to anyone.

The Centre for Separated Families (www.separatedfamilies.info) – The Centre for Separated Families is a national charity. They work with everyone affected by family separation in order to bring about better outcomes for children. Their services are available to parents who are sharing care, those who are caring for their children alone, those who are not able to spend time with their children, grandparents, carers or anyone else with concerns about family separation. You can visit their website or contact them directly via email: advice@separatedfamilies.org.uk

Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) – this is one of the most useful resources, with local branches throughout the country. The CAB offers educated advice on many topics of concern to separated fathers, from housing and council tax to legal and emotional issues, as well as helping you find support groups in your area.

National Association of Child Contact Centres (www.naccc.org.uk) – if for some reason you have nowhere to realistically spend time with your children, it’s worth contacting the National Association of Child Contact Centres. They support over 300 of these centres in England, Wales and Northern Ireland which all offer a safe place for you to spend time with your children. It’s not quite the same as being at home or other activities, but they strive to make a warm, comfortable atmosphere for everyone with plenty of activities.

The Shared Parenting Information Group (www.spig.clara.net) – this is an excellent resource, especially when the world of shared parenting is new to you. There are plans and advice to help you find your way.

Gingerbread (www.gingerbread.org.uk) – offers a variety of free services, from pamphlets of information that you might find useful to a phone advice line. It can also put you in touch with others in similar situations or help you form a group in your area.

Emotional Support

Inevitably, there will be times you feel down, especially after a visit with your children, and you’ll need to talk to someone. Sometimes friends simply aren’t enough and you need to talk to someone who can be objective, who can offer useful insights and advice.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) – can help you find a strongly accredited therapist local to you. Going for counselling can seem like a big step, but many have found regular sessions very helpful in adjusting to new lives and situations, and working through anger, grief and frustration.

The Samaritans (www.samaritans.org.uk) – if you feel particularly desperate, get in touch with the Samaritans (tel 08457 90 90 90). This is a volunteer group who’ve helped many over the years, especially those with suicidal urges. The advisors are non-judgemental and willing to listen 24 hours a day.

Separated Dads Chat Room & Forum

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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Hi My name is Samuel. I have been divorced now from my ex going 6 months and living apart for 3yrs 3mths before divorce proceedings was initiated by my ex. We have two sons 11 and 4 together. Our younger child was born after our separation and conceived whilst we were making falling apart as a family and had gotten intimate after 8yrs of trying for another child. There was a lot of frustration between both of us concerning finances, her recorded mental health issues and not finding the right type of employment but there was never any DV or prolonged quarrels or adultery. Since our separation however, my ex has been impossible to deal with. Firstly, she used my nationality in getting the courts to place a PSO order and had warned that I may take my son out of the EU jurisdiction area even though I am permanently resident in the UK and had been for over half of my life, just this year opting to naturalise. She chose this route as our son had often travelled alone with me in Europe since he turned 4 and she on the other hand was not that inclined and chose this as means of limiting our time together. Given the age of the younger child at the time the contact order was made (he was barely 5 months old), the court allowed 30mins visits at handover when I picked up my older son 3 of 4 weekends a month.. This has never happened. She claimed from day 1 that I did not have a relationship with him and has maintained this, a situation which is now seriously affecting my older son who cannot understand why his younger brother is unable to enjoy the same experiences we share every week. We did not own a home together so there was nothing to share at divorce as we privately rented but when I moved out, it took me 5 weeks to plead to remove one of 3 TV sets. I have asked for other property which I had bought previous to her moving into my home during courtship which she has violently refused to return and threatens to dispose of these instead. She continues to be hostile, and has repeatedly makes more demands for money through the CSA with the knowledge that my earnings increases per year and as such, she should get her share to 'pay off her bills' as she once said. I am now considering going back to court but not sure if I should apply for an amendment to the existing order via a c100 form or apply for a specific issues order to remove the PSO or both. I have remained single and would like to sort all of these out before actively seeking to get into a relationship as advertising a relationship to her now will further ramp up her hostilities and my children will be the ones bearing the brunt.
Samuel - 10-Mar-17 @ 5:08 PM
Hi. I filed for divorce 4 weeks ago citing both unreasonable behaviour and adultery as grounds. I was lucky enough to have a signed admission of guilt from my soon to be ex wife. My main issues are not with the divorce itself but with the aftermath, particularly in relation to the children and secondly the home/financial issues. My wife is happy to go 50/50 split across childcare and finances which originally I was advised was a good deal and we should look to put this forward in mediation and eventually a court order amicably. Unfortunately, in the last 4 weeks my wife has become a different person and is very difficult to deal with in terms of moving forward. For the first week after divorce, she left the property on 4 occasions(twice more to commit adultery) before the children were even in bed and spent the entire weekend away from them. Although I loved my alone time with the boys(4&5), I felt this was not the correct way a mother behaves. After going to the doctors and advising them that my wife had recently smacked our boys a referral to social services happened and my wife was referred to the doctors. Miraculously she came out of this advising me that both the doctors and social services were now under the impression it was my fault. Things calmed down for a few days until she started an online relationship with a man. She has been neglecting our children and their care whilst I have been in work and spends 16 hours a day on the internet and my children have now not really spent a day out with her in a month. She had self harmed(for attention) with them in the house and this was reported but again she managed to talk her way out of the situation. Things came to a head this week. On Tuesday, after speaking with a solicitor I broached the subject of mediation again. At 7pm, she said she needed space to think about it which I was happy with. She left the property and did not return until 3am having spent the night at another mans house. During this time we stupidly had an intimate encounter and she used this against me citing 'I'm sure I still have your DNA on me, I could tell the police you raped me'. That's the lowest I've ever felt, I never thought she would stoop that low. On Wednesday she came back from the pub at 11pm and tried to remove my kids from bed at 23:00hrs. They had decided to sleep in my bed for comfort and I asked her to stop it. Eventually the police were called, she falsely accused me of assault and was taken to her mothers by the police. The policeman remarked to me ' hopefully this will be the moment she realises what shes doing'. No such luck, she came home the next day and blamed the situation on me. She asked to go away in a few weeks to clear her head and I told her she could go to a friends now until Monday if she wished. I thought this was a good compromise. She used this time and went to see her internet boyfriend and spent the weekend with him, when she returned she was not on time for me to go to wo
Welshguy85 - 16-Feb-16 @ 12:59 PM
cj88 - Your Question:
Hi my name is chris I have 2 sons 1 is 5 yr and the other is 5months my eldest son lives with his mum and I see him every weekend and I am very happy with our relationship however heres my problem regarding my youngest.i have been living with my partner at her parents home since December due to finding out we were expecting a child so my first instinct was to move from Blackburn to potters bar (around 200 miles apart ) and find work and support her and our baby however now Lincoln is 5 months old and I have been kicked out of her parents house due to stress between us I have been back in Blackburn for 2 weeks and have bin told that I cannot go back to the house I am no longer welcome and I am being taken to court to deny me access to our child I had to leave with nothing iv lost my job and cannot stay at my parents but have the sofa a few nites a week I have found employement and I have a house as soon as I can find the 200 pound for the deposit I am being told that I will not see my son again and my family have not met him yet every time I tried to bring him up here she refused to let me bring him she is living on a sofa bed in there front room and I really am not happy with the conditions in which our son is being cared for in I have asked her on several occasions to move up here and have our own place however after talking to her parents we were told if we did we were on our own I really feel that my ex partner is only there to stop her family from arguing there is only her parents for support and I am being constantly told that she has no money for his food or needs and I am being told that no1 is supporting her she calls me everynite to say she doesnt want me and doest want my son to see me but she wants more and more money to support him and I feel I have a lot more support up here to offer him however I am told if I go and I take him even to the park without her consent she is going to call the police I just want to be a dad to my son how do I resolve this I would like him to live with me so that I can provide for him however I am told if I go to court she will refuse all access how do I find a way of showing he would be better in my care im just so confused her family do not help and did not help while I was there but she does not want to cum away from them how do I make sure my son is ok I no she is doing here best but she is constantly abusive to me and I am told I can not have Lincoln because she thinks I will just get the train back here with him when I no I cant jst go and take him neither could I do that after wanting to be a family with her and Lincoln for so long what do I do :(

Our Response:
I'm afraid if you can't agree between you, then you will need to seek some legal advice with the possibility of taking this matter either through mediation or to court. Please see link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 13-Nov-15 @ 12:59 PM
hi my name is chris i have 2 sons 1 is 5 yr and the other is 5months my eldest son lives with his mum and i see him every weekend and i am very happy with our relationship however heres my problem regarding my youngest. i have been living with my partner at her parents home since December due to finding out we were expecting a child so my first instinct was to move from Blackburn to potters bar (around 200 miles apart ) and find work and support her and our baby however now Lincoln is 5 months old and i have been kicked out of her parents house due to stress between us i have been back in Blackburn for 2 weeks and have bin told that i cannot go back to the house i am no longer welcome and i am being taken to court to deny me access to our child i had to leave with nothing iv lost my job and cannot stay at my parents but have the sofa a few nites a week i have found employement and i have a house as soon as i can find the 200 pound for the deposit i am being told that i will not see my son again and my family have not met him yet every time i tried to bring him up here she refused to let me bring him she is living on a sofa bed in there front room and i really am not happy with the conditions in which our son is being cared for in i have asked her on several occasions to move up here and have our own place however after talking to her parents we were told if we did we were on our own i really feel that my ex partner is only there to stop her family from arguingthere is only her parents for support and i am being constantly told that she has no money for his food or needs and i am being told that no1 is supporting her she calls me everynite to say she doesnt want me and doest want my son to see me but she wants more and more money to support him and i feel i have a lot more support up here to offer him however i am told if i go and i take him even to the park without her consent she is going to call the police i just want to be a dad to my son how do i resolve this i would like him to live with me so that i can provide for him however i am told if i go to court she will refuse all access how do i find a way of showing he would be better in my care im just so confused her family do not help and did not help while i was there but she does not want to cum away from them how do i make sure my son is ok i no she is doing here best but she is constantly abusive to me and i am told i can not have Lincoln because she thinks i will just get the train back here with him when i no i cant jst go and take him neither could i do that after wanting to be a family with her and Lincoln for so long what do i do :(
cj88 - 12-Nov-15 @ 4:07 PM
Ann - Your Question:
My 27yr old son has just walked out on his partner and their 3-week old baby. I am meeting my son tonight to talk things through (although he is not keen) My question is what to say to my son? part of me wants to give him a big hug and the other part wants to knock him into next week (and I hate violence)His friends have posted pictures on a social network site, of nights out with girls and he has changed his status to 'Single'.My hope is that he has panicked, needs time away and hopefully with support go back to his partner, currently he is seeing his daughter daily after work.Any advice would be really really welcome.

Our Response:
By the comment you have given, it shows you are non-biased and this will stand you in good stead trying to both rationalise with your son and keep the situation in perspective. Firstly, you will obviously continue to support your son, as that is in our DNA, but hopefully you will be able to reason with him and highlight where you think he may be going wrong. Just because he is your son, does not mean you have to agree with his decision, but I am sure when you meet him he will attempt to rationalise his own reasons why and you will listen. Simultaneously, it is also important to be there for his partner and your grandchild, and be supportive of both of them. With you as an intermediary, you can at least be a bridge between the family. Keeping your feet in both camps and staying diplomatic will help you retain the family connections. Also, encouraging your son to be as supportive as he can to both his partner and his child, regardless of his decision to separate, and keeping his party life out of social media, will help all round. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 4-Nov-15 @ 11:27 AM
My 27yr old son has just walked out on his partner and their 3-week old baby. I am meeting my son tonight to talk things through (although he is not keen) My question is what to say to my son? part of me wants to give him a big hug and the other part wants to knock him into next week (and I hate violence) His friends have posted pictures on a social network site, of nights out with girls and he has changed his status to 'Single'. My hope is that he has panicked, needs time away and hopefully with support go back to his partner, currently he is seeing his daughter daily after work. Any advice would be really really welcome.
Ann - 3-Nov-15 @ 8:23 AM
Ace1999 - Your Question:
Following on from my first comment below I need advice please on the followingI pay £42 a week to my ex for our two kids 3 & 4 which CSA told me I should payShe is demanding more money saying I don't pay her enough.I pay halves on everything ie clothes, swimming lessons, parties, days out.I live at my parents house while I pay them back the money they paid out to pay our debts offMy parents don't want anything to do with her after she pulled the kids out of my brothers wedding and she refuses to accept her responsibilities towards our debts that they paid off!I go round her house(used to be ours) and see the kids after work at least 2-3 times a weekI have the kids every other weekend at my parents house.I split up from my ex just before new year and I have met someone else and have been dating since September My ex says I should be staying round her house while she goes to work for a sleep in shift as its not fair on the kids moving them to another house and it shouldn't matter how I feel nor think about staying round her house.I feel she is still trying to control my life and decisions but at the same time she casts doubts in my head thinking is she right? Should I be staying round her house as I don't have a place of my own and my parents refuse to help her out meaning the kids won't stay round.If I had my own place it would be so much easier! Any advice?

Our Response:
I'm afraid this is quite a difficult question to advise on due to the fact there are no real rules, therefore it is really up to the parents to decide on what is best for their children and hopefully work together on this. However, there is a fine line between decisions made about the welfare of your children and your ex trying to control your life and make unfair demands upon you as a parent. In an ideal world the parenting role should be as equal as possible, with each parent making compromises to the other where needed. Please see article; Developing an Amicable Relationship With Your Ex, link here, which may help. Also, you may wish to consider mediation if you can't agree on a matter, please see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? Link here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 28-Oct-15 @ 10:45 AM
Following on from my first comment below I need advice please on the following I pay £42 a week to my ex for our two kids 3 & 4 which CSA told me I should pay She is demanding more money saying I don't pay her enough. I pay halves on everything ie clothes, swimming lessons, parties, days out. I live at my parents house while I pay them back the money they paid out to pay our debts off My parents don't want anything to do with her after she pulled the kids out of my brothers wedding and she refuses to accept her responsibilities towards our debts that they paid off! I go round her house(used to be ours) and see the kids after work at least 2-3 times a week I have the kids every other weekend at my parents house. I split up from my ex just before new year and I have met someone else and have been dating since September My ex says I should be staying round her house while she goes to work for a sleep in shift as its not fair on the kids moving them to another house and it shouldn't matter how I feel nor think about staying round her house. I feel she is still trying to control my life and decisions but at the same time she casts doubts in my head thinking is she right? Should I be staying round her house as I don't have a place of my own and my parents refuse to help her out meaning the kids won't stay round. If I had my own place it would be so much easier! Any advice?
Ace1999 - 26-Oct-15 @ 9:53 PM
Hello everyone, I split from my wife just before new year and moved in with my parents and have been here since. My ex and I have two kids 4 & 3 Girl & Boy and it was a mutual seperation and we agreed we would always do what's best for the kids. After the split I continued to go round to the house which we owned to see the kids and spend time with them, I would stay over too. maintenance was mentioned and we agreed I would pay her £150 a week towards bills and stuff for the kids. The house was put up for sale and was eventually sold in May this year, during this time I had a failed business and closed it due to financial difficulties in February, I got another job working full time and once again maintenance was mentioned and I started paying £60 a week as my earnings had changed. My ex since the split was going out on the town a lot spending money on drink, cigarettes and take aways and was talking to other single mums saying x y z gives her a lot more than you do so you need to pay me more! I had my suspicions that most of what I was giving her was to fund her lifestyle and she started threatening me with CSA and I thought "you know what, I'm going to contact them myself and find out exactly what I should be paying". I paid the £20 and gave them all the info but 2 weeks went by and I called them and I was told that they hadn't been able to get in contact with my ex and she wasn't returning their calls and messages. I had spoken to my ex and we agreed on a figure between us and the case was closed from my permission. Weeks went by and we had a disagreement after I went round her house to drop off our son while I took my daughter to a party as he wasn't feeling well, as I was there I noticed a guys pair of shoes by the back door and I knew instantly that she had someone upstairs and I had told her away from the kids that I didn't feel comfortable being in the house we used to own and live in ( she rents it from the new owners ) she hit the roof saying it's nothing to do with me and it's none of my business and started playing with the access with me coming round to see the kids. I was no longer welcome in her house during the week, she didn't want me in her house but I simply said I just want to come round and see the kids but she wasn't having any of it! She also stopped my kids going to my brothers wedding because I refused to stop sleeping in at her house on a Thursday night while she went out in town and coming in in the early hours!!! I wasn't comfortable sleeping in the house but it didn't wash with her. I contacted CSA again and paid another £20 and this time I followed the case through. Again they couldn't get hold of her and 2 weeks later I was told based on my earnings and information provided I should pay her £42 a week, I would pay this direct into her account via standing order. She wasn't happy with this but she knew there was nothing she could do. I always pay towards buying them clothes, days out and birthday
Ace1999 - 26-Oct-15 @ 9:37 PM
Hello everyone, I split from my wife just before new year and moved in with my parents and have been here since. My ex and I have two kids 4 & 3 Girl & Boy and it was a mutual seperation and we agreed we would always do what's best for the kids. After the split I continued to go round to the house which we owned to see the kids and spend time with them, I would stay over too. maintenance was mentioned and we agreed I would pay her £150 a week towards bills and stuff for the kids. The house was put up for sale and was eventually sold in May this year, during this time I had a failed business and closed it due to financial difficulties in February, I got another job working full time and once again maintenance was mentioned and I started paying £60 a week as my earnings had changed. My ex since the split was going out on the town a lot spending money on drink, cigarettes and take aways and was talking to other single mums saying x y z gives her a lot more than you do so you need to pay me more! I had my suspicions that most of what I was giving her was to fund her lifestyle and she started threatening me with CSA and I thought "you know what, I'm going to contact them myself and find out exactly what I should be paying". I paid the £20 and gave them all the info but 2 weeks went by and I called them and I was told that they hadn't been able to get in contact with my ex and she wasn't returning their calls and messages. I had spoken to my ex and we agreed on a figure between us and the case was closed from my permission. Weeks went by and we had a disagreement after I went round her house to drop off our son while I took my daughter to a party as he wasn't feeling well, as I was there I noticed a guys pair of shoes by the back door and I knew instantly that she had someone upstairs and I had told her away from the kids that I didn't feel comfortable being in the house we used to own and live in ( she rents it from the new owners ) she hit the roof saying it's nothing to do with me and it's none of my business and started playing with the access with me coming round to see the kids. I was no longer welcome in her house during the week, she didn't want me in her house but I simply said I just want to come round and see the kids but she wasn't having any of it! She also stopped my kids going to my brothers wedding because I refused to stop sleeping in at her house on a Thursday night while she went out in town and coming in in the early hours!!! I wasn't comfortable sleeping in the house but it didn't wash with her. I contacted CSA again and paid another £20 and this time I followed the case through. Again they couldn't get hold of her and 2 weeks later I was told based on my earnings and information provided I should pay her £42 a week, I would pay this direct into her account via standing order. She wasn't happy with this but she knew there was nothing she could do. I always pay towards buying them clothes, days out and birthday
Ace1999 - 26-Oct-15 @ 8:29 PM
bear - Your Question:
My son is 18 years old. He has 3 sisters 2 have children. He is a fantastic uncle and now a daddy too. He and his ex girlfriend lived in our family home until May this year. The relationship with her parents has been very difficult and she moved into our family home last year. Our granddaughter was born early January. Our son is an excellent hands on parent. The mum is 17 years old and wanted her little family to have their own home. Jack was very reluctant to leave because there were cracks in their relationship and the financial implications of running a household at their ages.They moved out in May. Jack worked 2 24 hour days so he could be with his daughter the rest of the time. His girlfriend has an active social life and spent much of her time with her friends. We have been to see a solicitor and she is writing to the mum to reinstate the previous contact Jack had and to use a local children's centre as a picking up/dropping off point as the relationship with one another is hostile. mainly due to immaturity. yesterday mum indicated she was going to see a solicitor to tell jack he can have access to his daughter a day ir so in the week with no overnight stays. this is devastating to Jack. What is the likelihood of Jack getting a joint residency order and 50/50 care of his daughter as he is really concerned about his relationship with his daughter.

Our Response:
I'm afraid we cannot possibly predict what access your son may get as it will be up to the courts to decide what is in the best interests of your grandchild. However, before it goes to court mediation will be suggested, which is the diplomatic way of sorting out the issues. If his ex refuses mediation then it will depend upon the Cafcass report, please see link: What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? here and how Cafcass views the situation, as laid out by both parents. As you say, if there is a lot of immaturity in the relationship, then things may be a bit rocky at first as both parents adjust. But hopefully his ex will realise that your son is willing to take on his share of the responsibility and their relationship regarding shared care of your granchild will get back on track, either via mediation or by the situation resolving itself once the heat has died down. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 22-Sep-15 @ 10:16 AM
My son is 18 years old. He has 3 sisters 2 have children. He is a fantastic uncle and now a daddy too. He and his ex girlfriend lived in our family home until May this year. The relationship with her parents has been very difficult and she moved into our family home last year. Our granddaughter was born early January. Our son is an excellent hands on parent. The mum is 17 years old and wanted her little family to have their own home. Jack was very reluctant to leave because there were cracks in their relationship and the financial implications of running a household at their ages. They moved out in May. Jack worked 2 24 hour days so he could be with his daughter the rest of the time. His girlfriend has an active social life and spent much of her time with her friends. Going out to the pub at least 3 nights a week. The relationship ended mid July and Jack returned to the family home. They reached an informal access agreement between them Jack could have his daughter 3 times a week. 9 am Tues til 9 am Thurs and every Sunday from 9 am until Monday at 9 am. This arrangement works really well for Jack and his daughter. He has an established routine. Spends all his time with her. When she is with her mum she is frequently left with others.... her family and her friends...... This week there has been a breakdown. Mum uses his daughter to control Jack and communication between them is shocking. Mum has with held access to his daughter for 9 days until Jack yesterday got to spend 2 hours with his daughter. We have been to see a solicitor and she is writing to the mum to reinstate the previous contact Jack had and to use a local children's centre as a picking up/dropping off point as the relationship with one another is hostile... mainly due to immaturity...... yesterday mum indicated she was going to see a solicitor to tell jack he can have access to his daughter a day ir so in the week with no overnight stays...... this is devastating to Jack. What is the likelihood of Jack getting a joint residency order and 50/50 care of his daughter as he is really concerned about his relationship with his daughter.
bear - 21-Sep-15 @ 5:44 AM
@joey - In response to your question:
"I have always been a confident bloke, always happy and enjoying life. However since my seperation I have become totally depressed,reclusive and at times almost suicidal. The reason for this, my kids.I pay a lot of maintenance, I live in a bedsit to ensure they don't go short and I can afford to travel up to see them (their mother moved them away) but they dont seem to want to know me. We get on great and have a good time when we are all together on a day out, yet when I am not there they don't want to know me.I want to be part of their lives but they just wont reply to any messages I send them or even tell me about anything big that happens in their lives. I get no birthday or fathers day cards or messages.I phone every week but it's almost a chore now."

I am sorry to hear this. You don't say how old your children are, however whatever their ages, it doesn't help when you can't get a response. You don't say either whether you get along with your ex and if she may in part be instrumental for their reactions. I have included a link to one of our partner articles, Ex Partners and Parental Alienation Syndrome, link here. I'm certainly not advocating this could be the case, but it may be a possibility. Also, if you are feeling down and depressed and are visibly showing this, then your children may not know how to react. Our article; Dealing With Being Alone, link here may also help, as may our Separated Dads Facebook page, as there are many fathers going through the same or similar issues, and the most positive thing is, they do come out the other side. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 5-Aug-15 @ 2:14 PM
I have always been a confident bloke, always happy and enjoying life. However since my seperation I have become totally depressed,reclusive and at times almost suicidal. The reason for this, my kids.I pay a lot of maintenance, I live in a bedsit to ensure they don't go short and I can afford to travel up to see them (their mother moved them away) but they dont seem to want to know me. We get on great and have a good time when we are all together on a day out, yet when I am not there they don't want to know me.I want to be part of their lives but they just wont reply to any messages I send them or even tell me about anything big that happens in their lives. I get no birthday or fathers day cards or messages.I phone every week but it's almost a chore now.
joey - 4-Aug-15 @ 9:21 AM
@Tony - I am sorry to hear this. Many people leave relationships and move on to new partners, and while it may be a struggle, people do get past it. I'm trying to fathom what the problem is here and why you can't be with this new woman, is it the guilt you feel? Or is it that you still have feelings for your ex because she is the mother of your children? Perhaps by being with this new woman you still feel you are being unfaithful to your ex and kids, which is understandable. Twenty years of marriage is a long time and must be quite difficult to tear yourself away from, so it is not going to be easy. Sometimes, it is easier if an ex is not understanding, because at least you can 'hate' them and it gives you an excuse and a reason to pull away and get on with your own life. Curiously, the fact that your ex is understanding may make it all the more difficult for you to make that final cut. I think if you ask yourself deep down what it is you want, you will answer your own question. It might be that you really want to be on your own and span the best of both worlds - a good relationship with your ex and kids, and a lover who you don't have to commit to. That is also understandable, as we mature we don't need that all-consuming love that we once had when we were younger, our definitions of relationships and what we need from them can change. However, only you can answer your own question and I'd sit down, be truly honest with yourself and then act upon that.
SeparatedDads - 21-Apr-15 @ 2:45 PM
I've been separated for over 3 years now. I was the one who cheated. I've only ever cheated once and that was enough to destroy 20 years together. I still get on well with my ex despite what's happened and she has never stopped me seeing my 2 boys aged 6 and 10. My problem is that I can't seem to move on. I'm renting a flat and the boys come and stay with me ever fortnight, but as far as a relationship goes I can't seem to get past what affect me getting together with the woman I cheated with will have on my relation ship with my kids or even my ex. I love the woman in question but she's had enough and has also left because I would never commit to her fully. I'm at a loss about what to do or who to turn to for help. Its tearing me apart not being with her but I can't bear to upset my kids or ex any more than I have already... I'm 43 and have a fantastic job, I have money and cars and nice things, but I have no life. I'd give it all up to be happy, but how do I do that knowing that being with the woman I love will destroy my relationship with my kids and ex...
Tony - 19-Apr-15 @ 9:34 PM
@bailiebobby2015 - should you not be happy with the service or feel you have been treated unfairly, you can complain via the link here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 17-Mar-15 @ 12:00 PM
The unnecessary evil of child maintenance Being a victim of child maintenance myself I though I would explore the system and see if I could shed some light on why the system is completely biased against fathers. Unfortunately though I couldn't. There is not a single thing the state does to assist or support fathers who have separated from mothers, no matter how much they are involved in the child's life. I have done a lot of digging and a lot of studying and have found an infinite number of flaws in the system. I have found there to be a lot of corruption and unequal treatment towards fathers. I refuse to continue to be a victim of the child maintenance tyranny and I will do everything in my power to fight the oppression of this excuse for a supportive system. Victimisation of Father's After checking and dissecting eight random case studies of the maintenance system (there were an infinite amount, I was not stuck for choice by any means) I have came to this conclusion. The child maintenance system is poorly administered and biased completely towards mothers and against fathers. The case studies I have analysed show lists of repeated flaws in the system. If I was to write about them all I would still be typing one year on. Child maintenance appears to covertly bypass the law on most occasions. They dictate what is 'right' but this normally ends up with the father being delivered a decision that completely unjust and unfair. During one case child maintenance did not even disclose the legal documentations of the mothers application and reasoning to the father or his legal rep, which is a required step for the 'initiating process'. They then proceeded straight to the 'final proceedings' without allowing the father his 'objection hearing'. Which leads me to ask how is this in any way fair or equal treatment of the father? The answer is simple. Its not fair at all. The father was then ambushed during the final hearing in an unlawful manner. The dad applied and was granted an SSAT appeal hearing during which child maintenance were forced to disclose the legal documentation that the father was previously denied as failing to do so would nullify the child maintenance enforcement. However during this hearing, at the request of child maintenance, the fathers legal rep was not allowed to speak until the end of the hearing. He was made to watch and denied his legal right to interject. The child maintenance rep was extremely compassionate towards the mother and bullied the father throughout the hearing. The only thing that the judging panel were interested in was the fathers income. The mothers income (from work and benefits) greatly exceeded the fathers but this wasn't even acknowledged. Again I repeat myself, how is this in any way fair or equal treatment of the father? Easy, its not. Just under a year after this case the mother (who was so compassionately looked upon by child maintenance) was fined for be
bailiebobby2015 - 14-Mar-15 @ 9:27 AM
@Dale - I'm not sure if it something you can make a career out of as many supporters get involved on a voluntary basis. But the more the better! You can search out support groups online and approach them to get involved.
Dan - 24-Feb-15 @ 11:11 AM
I'd like to change my life/career to learn about helping separated dads, I'd like to help my daughter and myself too, any advice on where to start. This heartbreak and bias shouldn't be allowed to happen.
Dale - 21-Feb-15 @ 3:42 PM
Thank you for your advice, I'll keep doing research, she's agreed to mediation but continues to state that my daughter will not be allowed to stay overnight with me, and has given me minimal access so far at some strange times, last visit was 9pm to 10pm, a little odd for a 9 month old, and doesn't leave me alone which just makes it uncomfortable, I hope mediation works, but I'll continue research, thank you for your help
Dale - 21-Feb-15 @ 9:55 AM
@Dale - I'm sorry to hear this. If she is unwilling to go to mediation then it is best that you try and get a contact order in place asap. I suggest you read our article When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, link here. If she is wanting to be awkward about letting you have access then it will have to go through the court system. You may also find our Separated Dads Facebook page very helpful for advice from other fathers in the same or similar situation. I would do as much background research as you can in order to make sure you are ahead of the game. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 17-Feb-15 @ 11:06 AM
Hi, me and my partner have split up, we have a 9 months old daughter, we are currently in a shared tenancy and I am unwilling to move out until we agree on access. I'm asking for 1 night in the week after work and return my daughter in the morning, plus Friday after work and return Saturday tea time, my ex is busy on Saturdays with her other kids. She won't agree to this, seems unwilling to do mediation and has now started holding our daughter when I get home from work and not letting me hold her.Any advice anyone please? It's breaking my heart.
Dale - 14-Feb-15 @ 7:06 PM
Im a unemployed 51 year old father with 3 daughters and an elderly mother. 2 of my daughters are disabled and I've just had breakdown, which helped me lose my job. workplaces don't know how hard it is, working full time and bring up 3 girls. my only question is why do women give the support if they say to their work that they can't cope and get help but men don't. This isn't a sexish comment, it's a workplace issue.
Mucca - 4-Feb-15 @ 7:43 PM
@Nicky - perhaps things may be better when you move over to Ireland as things can get difficult when you are in a different country. It is difficult to know which way it might turn out if you send an email to his ex as it could easily go one way or another and make things worse. Maybe he could send a letter once there requesting more frequent access. If she says no then he may have to take it to court, or at least suggest mediation as the next step, if she refuses both then he needs to take the legal route in order to gain frequent and structured access. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 21-Jan-15 @ 2:16 PM
My partner's ex-wife are also keeping his girls away from him...age 5 & 8, having numerous excuses that they have busy schedules or already made plans. We are now moving into the 3rd year of their separation and she allowed him to see both girls ONCE last year at different occasions...it breaks my heart to see him missing them so much EVERY SINGLE DAY but he just doesn't want to make it a court issue. However I (as the girlfriend) was thinking of sending her a polite/respected email to see if I can convince her into some sort of arrangement - working out a parenting plan where he can at least see his girls once a month, take them to their sport activities, go for lunch, visit their nan etc. Unfortunately we live in the UK and they live in Ireland...and we moved here so that it would be closer for him to fly or drive down to see them,but we are now planning to move to the UAE by the end of March. So before I stick my nose into something that isn't really MY business I need to know what my rights are - I sure don't want her to take me to court. Any advise is welcome...
Nicky - 21-Jan-15 @ 1:59 AM
@penny I'm sorry to hear that your partners ex is not making life easy for him. Unfortunately, there are some people that will go to any lengths to make things difficult for an ex partner having contact with their children. However, it seems like he is taking all the appropriate routes, so hopefully it will work out in the long term.
SeparatedDads - 16-Oct-14 @ 12:12 PM
My boyfriend's ex partner is an absolute disgrace of a mother and I am becoming concerned about the effect it is having on their 5 year old son. My boyfriend has had to fight through the courts to see his son going from only 1 hour a week initally to now seeing him every wednesday for 2 hours after school and every other weekend 10am-5pm on both saturday and sunday. Both his son and himself are wanting to spend more time together including overnight stays which often ends in the little boy not wanting to go home after spending time with his dad which heart breaking. However his mother has not only in the past accused my boyfriend of sexual abuse of his son which was of course thrown out of court by a barrister but now claiming their son his suffering mental health problems due to contact with his father which has found to be false. My boyfriend pays regular maintenance, has a healthy life style and is a caring person who just wants more time with is son. His ex partner is so bitter and evil that she will go to extreme lengths to prevent more contact. As a mother myself to a child from a previous relationship I know no matter what above all else never hate your ex partner more than you love your child. Every child needs their father especially when he is a genuinely decent caring person. Using alienation is only dangerous and destructive. As you can gather my partner has applied again for a court hearing. So hopefully he will soon be able to enjoy more quality time with is soon. All fathers out there I completely empathise with you its a hatd time but stick with it if you can.
penny - 16-Oct-14 @ 12:41 AM
Can anyone put me right on the passport situation regarding children from separated backgrounds
blue - 18-Jun-14 @ 1:40 PM
I have just gone to court after not seeing my 4yr old girl for 6 mths. The courts said i can only see her once a mth. Any way cafcass made me look really bad in there report every thing my ex said i did with no evidence was in it but they did not put in that i had witness statements that it was her that was abusive to me. The female judge refused to read the signed statements. I asked the judge wot i had to do to get more contact with my child she said get on with the mother she wont answer the phone to me or open the door. So how am i ment to get on with ny childs mum when she wont speak to me or even say thanks for sending her other 2 kids selection boxes for xmas.
andy - 15-Jun-14 @ 4:06 PM
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