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Ex Partners and Parental Alienation Syndrome

By: Additional Article - Updated: 1 Jun 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Divorce Children Parental Alienation

At its heart, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is where one parents attempts to turn the children against the other parent. Where divorces are less than amicable, it’s sadly not uncommon, and generally used by mothers in an attempt to ensure little or no contact between their exes and children.

Done subtly, it can be hard to prove, and at its worst it can produce Allegations Of Child Abuse Against The Fathers. Even when not pressed to those extremes, it causes anguish for thousands of men (which isn’t to say fathers haven’t used it against mothers, but in general it’s mothers who are the perpetrators).In court the result can be devastating, resulting in minimal or no contact for fathers.

How it Works

PAS is a kind of brainwashing. If the parent with custody can convince the child that he or she doesn’t want anything to do with the father, that carries weight in court, since one of the factors taken into account regarding contact is the wishes of the child. For obvious reasons, it works better with younger children, who are more easily swayed and subject to emotional pressures. In difficult situations, they naturally want to please the parent they’re with.

It can happen for any number of reasons, from fear of losing the children to the other parent to revenge. Sometimes trying to establish the root cause can be impossible.

Is it Legal?

If it could be proven that a parent had used PAS, there could be legal repercussions. In practice, however, establishing that can very difficult. Using it on a child is a form of abuse in medical terms, and legally it becomes a type of coaching, both of which are illegal.

What would tend to happen, though, is that the custodial parent’s assertions of the child’s wishes would end up being ignored when it came to contact. A few courts might order family therapy, but would be unlikely to prosecute beyond that. That said, authorities do recognise it happens.

What Can the Victim do?

For the victim, generally the father, to prove PAS is very difficult. You’ll need a good solicitor, a Child Welfare Officer who’s willing to go beyond the surface to investigate your side of the story, and the willingness to pursue this, probably at County Court level, which means expense.

You’ll need extensive notes on conversations with the other parent, a diary of time spent with the children, and their excuses for not spending time with you. Note instances where the other parent has gone to schools or clubs to say you should have no contact with your children there (if that has happened), or if the other parent has stopped the child communicating with other members of your family.

The stronger the body of evidence you can build, the greater your chances of proving PAS and re-establishing contact. The problem, though, is that eventually the children can believe it really is their wish not to see you.

Where there is a contact order, try to make sure you see your kids. It keeps a line open, and acts as assurance that they don’t really hate you. It also opens the door for more contact. If it’s possible to Keep Communication With The Mother – which in many cases it won’t be – then do so; minds can change, and it all becomes more ammunition if you have to go to court.

Divorce Resource

This article is taken from our sister site: www.DivorceResource.co.uk. For more information on access rights, child support and looking after your dependants following a split, take a look at this section on divorce resource.

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My ex and me seperated about ten years ago now at the time I was getting to see my daughters whom are now 12 and 10 until about 8 years ago when during an argument on return of the kids after a visit I said something to her which sent her mental and she decided that I wasn't allowed to see the kids but my parents were so a couple of months passed and she discovered that my parents were allowing me to see my kids ( after all I ain't done them no harm they loved me when me and the ex were together my oldest would shout for her dad every morning when she awoke at one point when she was about 3 she even told my ex she was moving out to go live with me and her sisters which are her dogs which my ex said I brainwashed her to say that but I swear I said absolutely nothing she may only be 3 but she is well more than capable of thinking for herself ) on discovery of this she then cut my parents off from contact and started telling some pretty nasty lies about us to people and now she has brainwashed my oldest and convinced her that I am this pure "monster" as she calls me she even tells people in the pub where she works all these stories that she's made up many of who come back and tell me .. I really don't know what to do my heart is broken I'm too scared to even speak to my own children they seem like strangers to meeven yesterday they passed me whilst I was waiting for the bus and didn't even look my direction am totally devestated
Dadwithabrokenheart - 1-Jun-17 @ 1:59 PM
My ex and me seperated about ten years ago now at the time I was getting to see my daughters whom are now 12 and 10 until about 8 years ago when during an argument on return of the kids after a visit I said something to her which sent her mental and she decided that I wasn't allowed to see the kids but my parents were so a couple of months passed and she discovered that my parents were allowing me to see my kids ( after all I ain't done them no harm they loved me when me and the ex were together my oldest would shout for her dad every morning when she awoke at one point when she was about 3 she even told my ex she was moving out to go live with me and her sisters which are her dogs which my ex said I brainwashed her to say that but I swear I said absolutely nothing she may only be 3 but she is well more than capable of thinking for herself ) on discovery of this she then cut my parents off from contact and started telling some pretty nasty lies about us to people and now she has brainwashed my oldest and convinced her that I am this pure "monster" as she calls me she even tells people in the pub where she works all these stories that she's made up many of who come back and tell me .. I really don't know what to do my heart is broken I'm too scared to even speak to my own children they seem like strangers to meeven yesterday they passed me whilst I was waiting for the bus and didn't even look my direction am totally devestated
Dadwithabrokenheart - 1-Jun-17 @ 1:19 PM
My ex and me seperated about ten years ago now at the time I was getting to see my daughters whom are now 12 and 10 until about 8 years ago when during an argument on return of the kids after a visit I said something to her which sent her mental and she decided that I wasn't allowed to see the kids but my parents were so a couple of months passed and she discovered that my parents were allowing me to see my kids ( after all I ain't done them no harm they loved me when me and the ex were together my oldest would shout for her dad every morning when she awoke at one point when she was about 3 she even told my ex she was moving out to go live with me and her sisters which are her dogs which my ex said I brainwashed her to say that but I swear I said absolutely nothing she may only be 3 but she is well more than capable of thinking for herself ) on discovery of this she then cut my parents off from contact and started telling some pretty nasty lies about us to people and now she has brainwashed my oldest and convinced her that I am this pure "monster" as she calls me she even tells people in the pub where she works all these stories that she's made up many of who come back and tell me .. I really don't know what to do my heart is broken I'm too scared to even speak to my own children they seem like strangers to meeven yesterday they passed me whilst I was waiting for the bus and didn't even look my direction am totally devestated
Dadwithabrokenheart - 1-Jun-17 @ 12:47 PM
hi can any one help with advise my brother has spilt with his partner he has a 3 an 1 yr old , his ex his getting the 3 yr old to call his dad horrible names when he has kids on a saturday the 1 yr old is self harming him selfmy brother called social serives but they didnt seem to take him seriuosly as he reported her to them coz she has drug users in yer house an around kids, she has threatend to put 1 yr old in washing machine to shut him up crying , she never cleans her house nor washes kids clothes, she has threatend that if my brother calls social again she'll stop him seeing kids , she says she has videos on her phone of my brother drunk which wasnt a every day thing but when they was together she was gettin drunk everynight and smoking weed and would kick off if she didnt get her own way, now she has movedher new fella into kids home and he also takes drugs , they both are getting kids to call their dad horrible things my brother wants to keep kids with him permantly for their own saftey as their mother is not menally right in the head an has self harmed an made threats to kill her self when she dont her her own way so could my brother keep kids with him permantly an have her take him to court for suppervised access?
littles - 15-Apr-17 @ 5:16 PM
Very sad reading all these posts.My ex has managed to brainwash our children, now 15 &12 to live with him and have zero contact with me despite a shared care order (which he took me to court for) only 15 months ago. I would describe him as having high conflict personality with a need to control. He doesn't listen to anyone, rules don't apply to him.We live within 2 miles each other. I had children living with me majority of time since we separated 3 years ago & they spent good quality time with their dad, overnight during week and every other weekend and half hols as well as activities.This went well until family home was sold last summer and I got my own place and I introduced my partner.Funnily enough my ex left me for another woman and has set up home for them and her 2 children so I don't see problem. He is controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive subtly encouraging both children to wander off to his house during my parent time encouraging them to lie and not tell me where they were. He was just as bad and wouldn't call to say where they were so I would worry, all phones switched off etc and when I did go collect them he would just stand there and say 'they don't want to come'. He would bystand because he wanted them there rather than us show united front or co-parent both explain to them that it was not ok to do that as mum/dad would be worried etc. I always offered adhoc time but stressed that the 'adults' needed to make plans/arrangements however my ex is no adult when it comes to being a parent and has let the children decide everything which undermines the other parent authority and general lack of respect for adults. No boundaries or parenting. Constantly messaging via social media. Grass is greener at my house scenario plus lots of questioning about what they're doing whilst with mum. Apparently mum is boring as all she does is homework is one example. Lots of gifts too, latest mobile phones and changed nos, cinema/theme park passes, big 5 bed house so lots of sleepovers, go on two hols a year, latest electronic gadgets and games consoles. It's all fun so why would they not want to live there? His partner started calling herself mum almost immediately. On top of that our eldest hasadditional needs with very challenging behaviour so of course his dad wants one child and not the other.Eldest is conflicted, he'd like to live with both of us but realises dad loves his younger brother more because he's good so won't come to me in case he misses out. I've tried enforcing order but Judge wasn't interested. My ex played the game and his barrister explained he was 'more than happy' for me to have contact despite reality doing exact opposite - lip service, not encouraging any relationship at all or claiming children too scared to see me and be in my house and yet in next breath wanting me to share all holidays with them? Make your mind up either they're too scared or want to have a relationship with their m
Takethehighroad - 10-Apr-17 @ 12:10 PM
Well first off I have been in the family courts for over 4 years,had an amazing solicitors in judith young and Rachel and a mint barrister in Chris mckeen in the north east, even the judge was all for me,I have been threw the mill jumped threw every hoop I was asked went threw a psychologicals medicals ect,but all came to a end last year, with my solicitor and barrister being held up in another case case along with the judge I have always had,for some criminal judge to seal my fate, did not even bother reading our final report, instead after my stand in barrister pulled a casscaff officer apart that was retiring,even she agreed that my daughters mother is taking her hate out for me by brainwashing our daughter,even impact said in a report that mckenzie mother got our daughter so up set,that I had to stop as it was breaking my heart to see our daughter so upset, it is in the report that my ex partner was over heard calling me the nasty man the hurt mommy, which is a disgrace, yet nothing was done.and when asked why she did not tell anyone where she was going a reply from a then 4 year old who was born at 25 weeks was my mommys friend don't like him,and a 4 years comes out with that with out being told, her mother has lied a number of times accessed me of things that her ex has done,wrote a story to a cheap magazine then lied saying they rang her out of the blue and it got out of control, faked every time in court with tears ect when she has been caught giving me the fingers with her friend that owes me money, was told to leave the courts as she was over heard trying to set me up,and to top it off indirect contact, a insult to say the least, the proof is there in black and white from the so called experts that my daughter has been brainwashed which = child alienation, and all because of the costs I am now a broken man in bits because UK family law with all the proof there to prove my daughters mother has lied her way threw the court, what next, yet drunks drug abuses can see there kids with help but a normal day to day farther that dose not drink or take drugs has been put threw the mill for what a judge that could not be bothered as it was a Friday afternoon, where is the justice in family law, and it is child abuse brainwashing a child to hate her farther /mother and laws have to change as it costs lives and no price can be put on a person's life threw a evil mother!!
Jase - 28-Feb-17 @ 12:05 AM
Well first off I have been in the family courts for over 4 years,had an amazing solicitors in judith young and Rachel and a mint barrister in Chris mckeen in the north east, even the judge was all for me,I have been threw the mill jumped threw every hoop I was asked went threw a psychologicals medicals ect,but all came to a end last year, with my solicitor and barrister being held up in another case case along with the judge I have always had,for some criminal judge to seal my fate, did not even bother reading our final report, instead after my stand in barrister pulled a casscaff officer apart that was retiring,even she agreed that my daughters mother is taking her hate out for me by brainwashing our daughter,even impact said in a report that mckenzie mother got our daughter so up set,that I had to stop as it was breaking my heart to see our daughter so upset, it is in the report that my ex partner was over heard calling me the nasty man the hurt mommy, which is a disgrace, yet nothing was done.and when asked why she did not tell anyone where she was going a reply from a then 4 year old who was born at 25 weeks was my mommys friend don't like him,and a 4 years comes out with that with out being told, her mother has lied a number of times accessed me of things that her ex has done,wrote a story to a cheap magazine then lied saying they rang her out of the blue and it got out of control, faked every time in court with tears ect when she has been caught giving me the fingers with her friend that owes me money, was told to leave the courts as she was over heard trying to set me up,and to top it off indirect contact, a insult to say the least, the proof is there in black and white from the so called experts that my daughter has been brainwashed which = child alienation, and all because of the costs I am now a broken man in bits because UK family law with all the proof there to prove my daughters mother has lied her way threw the court, what next, yet drunks drug abuses can see there kids with help but a normal day to day farther that dose not drink or take drugs has been put threw the mill for what a judge that could not be bothered as it was a Friday afternoon, where is the justice in family law, and it is child abuse brainwashing a child to hate her farther /mother and laws have to change as it costs lives and no price can be put on a person's life threw a evil mother!!
Jase - 27-Feb-17 @ 10:51 PM
Tired dad - Your Question:
I have an 8 year daughter for who I have fought in Court for the lady 5 or 6 years eventually I had a contact order given which was fair for both parents. Now all of a sudden my daughter has a mobile phone that she has to fetch with her every time she is here her mum txt or phones every night but when I try to ring my daughter at her mums home nothing and if I don't let my daughter txt back or answer phone I have hell with her at bed time. My ex keeps my daughter like a baby sleeping with her, bathing with her among other things. I am 90% sure that my ex and her mum and poisoning my daughter against me and my new wife. please help what can I do to try and stop this. Nearly 6 years of Court and Solicitirs bills have worn me wright down. PLEASE HELP !!!

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this.The fact you have gained a contact order with your daughter is a real plus. If you look at it from the mother's point of view for a moment, she is the primary carer and she is looking out for her child and wants contact with her otherwise she may worry. I'm not stating the situation is ideal if your ex ignores the phone when you ring, but it is not a competition. If your daughter has a close relationship with her mother, then it is only natural she too will want to be in touch. My suggestion is to relax a little regarding this and allow your ex to ring and her daughter to speak to her mother. Trying to restrict this will cause more problems between your ex and you, and likewise your daughter and you. If your daughter thinks she is being prevented from contacting her mother then she will naturally begin to harbour distrust towards you and her bedtime reaction and frustration is completely understandable. Your ex and your daughter may have a close relationship that you do not approve of, but if you attempt to try to get between it then you will be the one to lose out. Please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 21-Feb-17 @ 2:25 PM
I have an 8 year daughter for who I have fought in Court for the lady 5 or 6 years eventually I had a contact order given which was fair for both parents. Now all of a sudden my daughter has a mobile phone that she has to fetch with her every time she is here her mum txt or phones every nightbut when I try to ring my daughter at her mums home nothing and if I don't let my daughter txt back or answer phone I have hell with her at bed time. My ex keeps my daughter like a baby sleeping with her, bathing with her among other things. I am 90% sure that my ex and her mum and poisoning my daughter against me and my new wife.. please help what can I do to try and stop this. Nearly 6 years of Court and Solicitirs bills have worn me wright down .. PLEASE HELP !!!
Tired dad - 20-Feb-17 @ 10:57 PM
My husband is having this problem, his eldest is 12 and has refused to see us for the past 18 months and we are really concerned it will happen with the younger child too. We also have 2 children who are affected by this too as they miss their big sister. It is desperately sad to read your stories, and to see so many kids missing out on the alienated parents love and support. As a mother, I would be so sad for my kids if they didn't have a relationship with their Dad. To all of you fighting for your kids, I just wanted to say that it is very admirable and I hope you get the outcome you deserve. Has anyone been in the situation where it has resulted in it backfiring on the parent who is being manipulative? I'm hoping when the older child grows up she will understand what her mother has done? Until that day we will keep fighting!
Lou1981 - 3-Feb-17 @ 9:37 PM
severe PAS my daughter now 21 suffering from psychological abuse & she doesnt know it.the file is 18" thick,l was victim of domestic violence & suffered Depression Anxiety for 15 years my Ex broke 23 court orders,l had to walk away for health reasons.now lve seen my daughter,she even tried to manipulate me.horrific story could well be going back to court for horrific accusations even from my Ex after all this time.police Lawyers friends neighbours,willing to give evidence against this Evil women Bitter sick twisted Hatred, one of the worst cases out there her extreme violent behavior coupled with her affairs& the cafcass report is overwhelming.is their a Lawyer out there experienced to cope with this manipulative Evil women.she could well be going to prison for malicious Abuse rape allegation molesting allegations lve had the lot.now after 15 years shes started again.this will make fatal attraction look like a comedy show.
goldman - 31-Jan-17 @ 9:31 PM
I now have custody of out 8 year old son. I was awarded custody following emotional harm to my son. My ex is supervised professionally and is still victim of her tactics. In short, can I now tske the matter out of the civil courts and give extensive reports and evidence to criminal courts or police? I.e under Cinderellas law
Adamfish - 1-Jan-17 @ 4:17 PM
I now have custody of out 8 year old son. I was awarded custody following emotional harm to my son. My ex is supervised professionally and is still victim of her tactics. In short, can I now tske the matter out of the civil courts and give extensive reports and evidence to criminal courts or police?
Adamfish - 1-Jan-17 @ 4:15 PM
@Mum-not-dad - No it isn't just for dads, parental alienation can happen via any parent, you just happen to be on the Separated Dads website, which 'is' aimed at dads.
Ed - 17-Nov-16 @ 1:00 PM
This isnt just for DAD'S !!
Mum-not-dad - 15-Nov-16 @ 8:59 PM
my husband and i have been stopped from seeing our grandchildren by our daughter and her partner and we have just started legal proceedings for contact. our daughter has a 10 year old son with her ex who then left her when their son was a baby. 18 months ago our daughter decided to get back with he ex and had another son. we previously saw our eldest grandson every day, took him on holidays with us and he stayed over at our house at least once a week. since his 'dad' came back into his life our daughter has turned against us. her partner never liked us and was resentful of the contact and close relationship we had with our grandson and he slowly but surely turned our daughter against us to the point she has stopped all contact. she is now claiming our eldest grandson does not want anything to do with us and does not want to see us, we need help to prove our daughter and her partner have been using alienation techniques to turn our grandson against us and if anyone has any advice we would be so grateful. are cafcass trained in spotting the signs of parental poisoning/alienation?! please help
s.dot - 11-Nov-16 @ 10:25 PM
Dillon - Your Question:
Hi can anyone advice me on what I should do next I am the father to a 7 year old boy who lives with his mum and I have been stopped access with my son since the end of January 2016. my ex-partner refuses to engage in any contact with me and she also refuses to engage with Cafcass or the court process basically just ignoring everything and I am unsure what I should do next???I have written letters to my ex-partner trying to be civil and arrange access for my son and I have also tried mediation twice which she has also refused.I was granted a court order to see my son every Sunday in 2014 and I was seeing him for a year and a half until she stopped it in January 2016 so I then took the matter back to court but I am having no joy as she just does not attend and the courts seem to just do nothing and she is basically getting away with whatever she wants. I am on the birth certificate please someone offer me some hope??

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. However, if your ex is in breach of the court order, you can take the matter back to court to have it enforced and there are repercussions if your ex ignores the order, please see link here. As difficult and as frustrating as this may be, you need to follow the court route. I will also post your comment on our Separated Dads Facebook page, as our dads are great at giving helpful advice, as many have been through a similar scenario before. Please refer back to our Separated Dads Facebook page for answers, which I hope will help.
SeparatedDads - 9-Nov-16 @ 11:21 AM
hi can anyone advice me on what I should do next I am the father to a 7 year old boy who lives with his mum and I have been stopped access with my son since the end of January 2016. my ex-partner refuses to engage in any contact with me and she also refuses to engage with Cafcass or the court process basically just ignoring everything and I am unsure what I should do next??? I have written letters to my ex-partner trying to be civil and arrange access for my son and I have also tried mediation twice which she has also refused. I was granted a court order to see my son every Sunday in 2014 and I was seeing him for a year and a half until she stopped it in January 2016 so I then took the matter back to court but I am having no joy as she just does not attend and the courts seem to just do nothing and she is basically getting away with whatever she wants. I am on the birth certificate please someone offer me some hope??
Dillon - 8-Nov-16 @ 4:37 PM
My advice to all alienated parents (which I am one) is to pray to God for justice because the civil courts are biased towards Mothers and if enough people pray to the just judge he will hear us because he cares about children and justice. see Luke18 v1-8 All we can do is what our children do keep going and carry on. In hope and peace we trust
DAV - 30-Sep-16 @ 3:07 PM
My exwife has been turning my 3 children against me with lies about me being horrible to her, they now don't want to have any contact with me even though I've always been a good dad. Please can someone give me some advice because I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.
Jason - 27-Sep-16 @ 1:48 PM
Ron2016 writes about concern over his daughter being home educated. This is something I deal with every day, as it is my expertise. Quite often the concerns can be allayed if the worried parent understands the home education process better. If Ron would like to look further into it, I am happy to help (pro bono naturally).
Jenny - 14-Sep-16 @ 9:23 AM
My ex partner and I have an amicable arrangement and I see my daughter every other weekend. During this I endeavour to take her to as many different places and environments as I can (farms, play centres, swimming , seaside, etc.) so that she can appreciate life outside of 4 walls, as her mum does not like leaving the house unless she is with another adult. My concern is that she is homeschooling our daughter,and initially this was only going to be for the 1st year, I was not in support of this but she insisted and said she would start school the next year (school year 1).Ofcourse this didn't happen and now our child is nearly 7. My concern is that socially she behaves more like a 5 year old although she reads reasonably well and knows some times tables. But her mum has always had problems going outside the house and my daughter has never been to nursery school, played dressing up, had a best friend or gone to any birthday parties.My ex wants to continue homeschooling but I have said that she must attend school and benefit (as have her other 4 children) from a structured learning environment which includes working to the national curriculum, and most importantly, have the opportunity to mix with other children her age.This is causing problems and she is brainwashing our daughter - giving her all the negatives of school, i.e. telling her that she will hate school, (to be fair she probably will until she settles in,) that other children will bully her, make fun of her and that she will be working 6 hours every day (no mention of play times) and how much she will miss her mum, etc etc. and it will all be her daddy's (i.e. my) fault. Allthough my ex has reassured me over the past 2 years that the education authority are "backing her 100%", and how good their reports are, I have discovered that she has only had ONE assessment since homeschoooling began and that was last year, and also that my ex would be within her rights to refuse access to the inspector if she so wished.She does not have to work to the school curriculum.I have had many converations with my ex and she does notappear to understand the negative effect on our daughter insofar as social development.I would add that my ex has no qualifications, has never worked, and is very controlling, i.e. "my way or no way". Any ideas?
Ron2016 - 9-Jul-16 @ 3:16 PM
Hi, I just need advice on what to do when your partner undermines you and belittle's you, name calling all in front of our 7 year old son all the time and never support's me.
Sha - 29-Jun-16 @ 10:23 PM
dav - Your Question:
Hi,my ex wife should know that money,power and control are not the most important things in life.That truth,honesty and right and wrong,generosity of spirit and sharing are more important motherly attributes. The court system is biased towards Mothers but I will maintain my standards and not stoop down to hers and one day the truth will out.

Our Response:
Thank you for your comments. We hope it works out for you.
SeparatedDads - 20-May-16 @ 3:05 PM
Hi, my ex wife should know that money,power and control are not the most important things in life.That truth,honesty and right and wrong,generosity of spirit and sharing are more important motherly attributes. The court system is biased towards Mothers but I will maintain my standards and not stoop down to hers and one day the truth will out.
dav - 20-May-16 @ 2:41 PM
Hi guys,some advice please.My ex and I split 6.5 years ago and we have 7yr old son together.Through this whole time I have always had him alternate weekends, taken him abroad, and shared special days.During this time my ex has always called the shots threatening and carrying out stopping contact if she didn't get what she wants. In May last year I had a ruff time and ended up admitting myself to hospital with severe anxiety & depression.After my discharge we resumed alternate weekends.This lasted until just before New Year when she stopped contact again.I haven't had my son this year at all. I do speak to my son on the phone however she always without fail puts the conversation on loud speaker so everybody in the room can hear what is meant to be a private conversation, I can hear her and her new partner coaching my son what to say.My son doesn't like the whole loud speaker thing and keeps asking when can he come and stay with me.Which is shortly followed by him saying "mum is shaking her head" I have started legal proceedings in order to establish contact again and I am going for 50/50.I have written to her asking to establish contact again but she goads me to take her to court.I have written to her asking her to stop with the loud speaker thing advising that it is not in our sons interests but she ignores it. Is the PA? And what can I do please
Inny1807 - 4-Mar-16 @ 11:43 PM
Hi guys,some advice please.My ex and I split 6.5 years ago and we have 7yr old son together.Through this whole time I have always had him alternate weekends, taken him abroad, and shared special days.During this time my ex has always called the shots threatening and carrying out stopping contact if she didn't get what she wants. In May last year I had a ruff time and ended up admitting myself to hospital with severe anxiety & depression.After my discharge we resumed alternate weekends.This lasted until just before New Year when she stopped contact again.I haven't had my son this year at all. I do speak to my son on the phone however she always without fail puts the conversation on loud speaker so everybody in the room can hear what is meant to be a private conversation, I can hear her and her new partner coaching my son what to say.My son doesn't like the whole loud speaker thing and keeps asking when can he come and stay with me.Which is shortly followed by him saying "mum is shaking her head" I have started legal proceedings in order to establish contact again and I am going for 50/50.I have written to her asking to establish contact again but she goads me to take her to court.I have written to her asking her to stop with the loud speaker thing advising that it is not in our sons interests but she ignores it. Is the PA? And what can I do please
Inny1807 - 4-Mar-16 @ 8:31 PM
Laceman - Your Question:
Hi all,Don't know if anyone could point me in the right direction with this but here goes.My partner is in the middle of his divorce to his ex, who he has two children with, ages 2 and 7. His ex has done everything in her power to split us up, stopped my partner seeing his children and being extremely difficult over the divorce. My partner had to wait 3 months for a court date, and now he has access to the children (1 overnight stay per week and a couple of evenings), they have an agreement when it comes to school holidays, Christmas and taking the children on holidays. Now the last thing to discuss at court was me, she has never let the children be around me, and the agreement they came to was after 3 months (from the court date) if we were still together then the children were allowed to start being introduced to me. The reason I am posting under PAS is that she has told us that she will say and do anything in her power so the children will not want anything to do with either of us. She has always said things to the children, things children shouldn't have to hear, about me, about their dad, about our relationship. I think she emotionally blackmails them and I just do not know what to do.I am wanting some information on anything I can do, anyone we could speak to? Is there anything my partner should be saying to the children?We have been looking forward to the day we can all do things together but this last week she has been stepped up a gear, so I want to try and sort this out before the end of the 3 month period so we can all move forward.Any information, suggestions, help would be much appreciated.Thanks

Our Response:
The first option would be for your partner to put in writing (text, email, letter, solicitor's letter to his ex that the three months is up and he would like to introduce his children to you, as specified in the court order). Then wait for her response; if she is in agreement fine. If she is not, then you would need to keep any correspondence from her as evidence should you need to take it further. If she starts being awkward with regards to the children meeting you, then you would need to log each way she has attempted to avoid the issue, or make things difficult. If she refuses, then your partner would have to take the order back to court to have the order enforced as she will then be in breach, please see link: Breach of Contact or Residence Order: What to Do, here. You will then have the evidence you need to ensure the order is enforced. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 3-Mar-16 @ 10:48 AM
Hi all, Don't know if anyone could point me in the right direction with this but here goes... My partner is in the middle of his divorce to his ex, who he has two children with, ages 2 and 7. His ex has done everything in her power to split us up, stopped my partner seeing his children and being extremely difficult over the divorce. My partner had to wait 3 months for a court date, and now he has access to the children (1 overnight stay per week and a couple of evenings), they have an agreement when it comes to school holidays, Christmas and taking the children on holidays. Now the last thing to discuss at court was me, she has never let the children be around me, and the agreement they came to was after 3 months (from the court date) if we were still together then the children were allowed to start being introduced to me. The reason I am posting under PAS is that she has told us that she will say and do anything in her power so the children will not want anything to do with either of us. She has always said things to the children, things children shouldn't have to hear, about me, about their dad, about our relationship. I think she emotionally blackmails them and I just do not know what to do. I am wanting some information on anything I can do, anyone we could speak to? Is there anything my partner should be saying to the children? We have been looking forward to the day we can all do things together but this last week she has been stepped up a gear, so I want to try and sort this out before the end of the 3 month period so we can all move forward. Any information, suggestions, help would be much appreciated. Thanks
Laceman - 2-Mar-16 @ 11:51 AM
ae1968 - Your Question:
HiSo as a father of a 9 and 7 year old I have been through PA for the last 6 months, and things are getting worse.my question is this, when faced with PA based comments from the children such as - "we only want to go abroad with Mummy on holiday not you", or "you are not our dad anymore" "we don't want to call you daddy anymore - we have made up a nickname" how wrong is it to get frustrated with the children with responses like "why wont you just treat me like your father" this just seems to fuel their distance from me, I regret it but faced with no willingness to talk about their statements frustration sometimes wins.I am beating myself up over it and it always gets reported back to the ex.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. Children will always try to push boundaries, especially if they feel you are perhaps feeling a bit vulnerable or sensitive. They too may be suffering from the separation and do not know how to direct their energies, especially if you think their mother may be trying to turn your children against you. While the article gives advice on how to deal with the practical aspects of PA, you may wish to investigate what psychological reponses you should be giving to your children. Obviously, your ex will get pleasure from your negative repsonses, and by responding in a negative way you are playing straight into her hands. The best advice I can give is to ignore these statements and promote a simple change of attitude and focus, choosing to spotlight their kids' positive moments and minimise the attention given to the negative comments. It is very difficult not to go under when faced with such heart-wrenching comments, but if you are strong you can override them, by making sure your kids enjoy their stay with you and you don't rise to these comments. Please also see link: Using Reverse Psychology Effectively, here which may give you some additional pointers. Remember your kids are just kids and they may be finding their way around a very difficult time. Patience, understanding and communicating effectively with them, should overcome any strategies your ex may have.
SeparatedDads - 5-Feb-16 @ 11:03 AM
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