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Cooparenting with a narci...
Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements
Last Post: warwickshire1
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50/50 shared parenting ar...
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Should I report this?
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  Restricting Access and NSPCC
Posted by: SiGill1979 - 6 hours ago - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (3)

Can someone give me some advice. 
I have 3 children, 2 with a previous ex and one with my last ex.
With my previous ex, with my 2 boys, we have an arrangement and that works for us, the odd disagreement but that's normal between parents who have split.

But my last ex, who I have a 1 year old boy with, is being very tricky. We split for a couple of reasons, one I was on a site trying to make friends. I am from Maidstone but moved to Folkestone to be with her, I didn't have any friends down there so I went on a site to make some friends. She thinks I was cheating, I wasn't. Then I was caught for drink-driving, only had 2 pints then drove, but I was over, only just. I blew 50. That was the icing on the cake for her and we split. our son hadn't been born at that time.
On the day he was born, I was not told she had gone into labour, first thing I knew was that he had arrived, his weight, his name etc. Although I had some input into his name before we split, I never had any final say in what his name would be. But it was a name I suggested so I am not too fussed about that. I am fussed that he doesn't have my surname but has hers.

I told her that it was great he had arrived and asked whether I could come down and see him. She said she'd let me know. Hours passed and I heard nothing, so I decided to go to the hospital anyway. When I got there, there was a note on reception to not let me in to see him. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement, I could not believe she had done that to me.
But the nastiness didn't stop there, I kept asking when we were going to go and register him, she just kept saying she'd let me know. Until one day I found that you have to do it within a certain amount of weeks after the birth. That is where she admitted that she had already registered him and that I was not on the birth certificate. Another dagger in the heart.

She will not let me drive him anywhere, because of the drink driving, but not just me, none of my family can drive him anywhere. So its not only me she doesn't trust, its my whole family. Then she wonders why my family didn't come to his first birthday, they all wanted to but they knew there would be an atmosphere.

At the end of January this year, I lost my job, more ammo for her to chuck at me to reasons I shouldn't be allowed to see my son. I am now back in work, was only out of work for 2 months.

A year has passed, we have had an arrangement in place where I can see him every 3 weeks for 3 hours, not enough in my eyes but I accepted it. I also pay maintenance, I am not legally his father, on paper, so I don't have to, but I do anyway because I don't want to see my child and the mother of my child struggle. She even said at the start she didn't want money from me, she would rather struggle, but I still paid her £150 a week. Since then she has found out that she could get more than that from me, because of how much I earn. So all of a sudden now wants to receive these payments, such a difference.

I have seen him the last 2 weeks in a row, my normally 3 weekly and fathers day. On my normal 3 weekly one we went down to the beach. She forgot to put his sun hat in, but I creamed him up and kept him out of the sun, as best I could. Unfortunately he got a little sunburnt on his head and nose and eyes. She admitted we were both to blame, me for not creaming up properly, missed his nose and eyes and her for not putting in the sun hat.

On Fathers Day We were at the part. It was mainly cloudy that day, but warm, the sun did make the odd appearance. I found a place in the park that was in the shade of a tree when the sun was shining. Like I say it was mainly cloudy and we were in shade, so I didn't put any sun cream on him, or put his sun hat on. Somehow he has been burnt tho. 
Because of these 2 incidents, and others in the past, apparently, she thinks I am a bad father and is nor reporting me to her local health visitor and the NSPCC! Really the NSPCC, am I being cruel to my child?

I love him with all my heart I would not do anything to cause him harm, not on purpose.
I personally think this is a personal vendetta against me and she is using my son to get back at me. Nit picking little things to try and find a way to stop me seeing him

What Can I do. Any help would be appreciated.

Signed
a very stressed loving Father.

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  Should I report this?
Posted by: Devoted Dad - 6 hours ago - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (1)

Wife left nearly 5 weeks ago and took the kids. The kids are sleeping on camping mats on a floor, have no fridge, washing machine, or sofa. This is despite wife having lots of money.

Should I report this, if so to whom, and would doing so help in any future custody claim?

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  Business in trouble and CMS
Posted by: Powerkiter - 7 hours ago - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (5)

Still nowhere near sorting financials. At a mediation last week to discuss kids, ex confirmed that she will not discuss financials at mediation, so I obtained a MIAM and going to court.

Over the last 6 months my business's turnover has dropped significantly due to a downturn in the industry and it is only just about surviving on company reserves. I've just got my accountant to produce some quarterly accounts and the figures are alarming. Realistically, if we have another quarter like the last one, we'll cease trading and nine people will loose their jobs. My business partner and I are dropping down to 4 day weeks from 1st July and if no change in the work situation, 3 day weeks from 1st August, with a 20% and 40% reduction in salary/ dividends respectively. 

Just after some advice on the following:

1. Can I reduce the CMS payments to my ex if my salary/ dividend drops? 20% reduction I could just about manage to survive on. 40% reduction would leave me with around £300 a month and I would have to move out of my rented accommodation and back to my parents. As a result, my kids would no longer be able to stay with me every other weekend.

2. Now I have the quarterly accounts, I would have to declare them to a mortgage company. In my current predicament, I don't think any mortgage company would lend to me. Could this severely affect the split of the property equity?

3. If the worst happens and the company does cease trading, presumably I wouldn't have to pay any CMS?

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  Non-contributory Pension
Posted by: separatedsoon - 7 hours ago - Forum: Fathers’ Rights, Legal Info, Court Orders - Replies (4)

We're just getting down to the nitty-gritty of the divorce. The topic of pensions has come up.

I've been told that my spouse is entitled to a percentage of my pension and we need to look into a Pension Sharing Order. Seriously? 

Firstly, these are my work pensions. Also, I've not paid into them as they were non-contributory. It's not like I was paying into a pension with money I could have spent on the family. I didn't even know much about them until I've had to look into them for the divorce. They have just sat there in the background.

Secondly, one pension was from 1999 to 2009. We got together in 2005 and married in 2007. So is she entitled to a percentage of ALL of it?

Lastly, how can it be that I have to give her a percentage of something I don't have access to until I'm 65, right now? I might not even make it to 65! She has pensions, but I don't feel like I have any right to them. Good for her that she was planning for retirement.

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  50/50 shared parenting arrangement
Posted by: alberto45 - 7 hours ago - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (2)

Hi All,

I'm in the middle of mediation, and we're trying to agree on how often we (I) get to see the kids (4,6,8). I have a very flexible job, am planning on living very close to where the kids live now, already mostly do school/breakfast club drop offs and some pick ups. I work full time, wife works 3 days a week.

I have proposed a 2 week cycle where we each get to see the kids 50% of the time - 3 days weekend, then 2 days/2 days in the week, then same for second week but reversed. She refuses, saying this is too much to-ing and fro-ing for the kids. 

Her proposal has me not seeing them for 5 days in one week, and then them to-ing and fro-ing between the 2 houses 4 days in a row in the other week (?!)

The mediator has suggested we put this very specific decision to an independent arbitrator, since we are not going to agree. I feel like I have every right, and ability, to see my kids half the time. I suspect part of her insistence is to ensure she is receiving child maintenance.

I'm just wondering, has anyone ever had a decision like this in their favour? Is 50/50 common? I keep getting told not to get hung up on the exact 50% split, but I can't see a weekly pattern with fewer days that doesn't end up with me not seeing them for a long period (5 days to me is long, I know a lot of you don't see your kids for longer and I'm sorry. We haven't actually moved on yet - still in same house - so even 1 day without seeing them seems a long time to me).

Thanks

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  Where do i stand
Posted by: stigoftd - Yesterday, 02:19 PM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (1)

I have been paying 95% of all bills and mortgage for the past 15 years . The wife has been employed for the past 6 years but pays for not allot other that her things.

We are looking like we have come to the end of our marriage but how do i stand if she wants to stay in the home . Which she could not afford on her own and is also not finnished of as we are part way through renovating . All of which i have paid for

Just found out she has wasted all our income on nothing leaving me to live hand to mouth while paying everything for at least the past 2 years

Where do i stand

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  She thinks she can take the children
Posted by: knigh7 - Yesterday, 01:46 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - No Replies

Hello,

Long story short, she hit the 2 children, I have video evidence, she admitted and accepted caution for child cruelty. She is outside of the home and collected her things. Social worker section 47 was completed, she threw everything at me including the kitchen sink, outrageous lies saying that I hit her and hit the children and that I raped her, all not true. In the report it clearly says "mothers claims have NOT been substantiated".

Children have been put on "child in need" as family needs support and nothing in the report says that she should not see the children but pointed that I am protective factor. Social worker asked me to allow supervised contact, I did one recently via a third party while I make arrangements for a contact centre for 1 hour every 6 weeks. She is becoming very unreasonable and difficult to deal with. We agreed from the start about phone calls (via speaker) to speak to the children three times a week and sometimes when she starts to talk to me directly, I just hang up. 

Anyways, during the contact with the third party, she said that she is in the process of getting a one bedroom flat. She said as soon as she has this, she will take the children away from me. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The question is, realistically how does this work? my solicitor said NOT to go for custody as I have the children and leave it to her to fight me for custody. Divorce papers have been sent.

Realistically, what are her chances of getting custody?
What are her chances of her getting the children say a few days a week or taking them out unsupervised?

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Sad Help Required - Covering letter?
Posted by: ArchN3m3sis - Yesterday, 01:17 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (2)

I need to write a covering letter to accompany my c79 (enforcement) paperwork when i submit.

Can anyone help me write one. My ex has stopped all contact despite court order in place, 2 visits I've travelled (260mile round trip) for contact and my ex has refused to turn up, only texting saying "you are not having any more contact unless you take it to court"... i dont know what game shes playing but my fathers day weekend with my daughter didnt happen, im out of pocket for the fuel for the travel down, and will be heavily out of pocket for the court order enforcement. all this , i suspect, has come around as my daughter has asked to live with me, my wife and other 2 children (daugter is 11 end of year) and since then she has stopped all contact.

I'm used to dealing with contract breaches and supplier disputes, so my writing style is a little more, should i say, to the point....

I appreciate any help in this matter.

Many Thanks

ArchN3m3sis   Sad


i might add this has been to court 3 times for her breaking orders, each time a new order has been made, and she eventually breaks it.... last time she broke it because i was ill and required surgery so I advised her my contact would be reduced during recovery as 1. im recovering and travelling is kept to a minimum, and 2. im on stat sick pay so i cant afford to do anything , barely bills.... she stopped all contact and applied to the court to have PR removed, and for the court top stop all access... thankfully the court saw through her BS and gave me MORE contact than i had before, wished me a speedy recovery, and told her they do not want to see her again for any similar reasons.....

This is creating quite a strain on my family, my other 2 children count down to seeing their half sister, my wife is struggling with the stress of it all (shes a delicate one) and its obviously difficult on me, so we all struggle....

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  Contact Once I Move
Posted by: GC1974 - Yesterday, 11:39 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - No Replies

I live 12 miles from my children. Access currently:-

Tuesday 6pm onward
Wednesday 6pm onward
Saturday night sunday sunday night

alternate

Tuesday 6pm onward
Wednesday 6pm onward
Friday night Saturday up till 5.30pm


Move to 23 miles away, although travel not much different

Wednesday night 4.30pm till 7.30pm
Friday night through till 7.30pm sunday night


Alternate

Wednesday night 4.30pm till 7.30pm
Friday night Karate lessons
Sunday 12.30pm till Monday morning (varies if she away visiting friends)


Others
I get bank holiday Mondays in general (I work she does as little as possible).
All other holidays split equally and I take unpaid holiday as needed.
Special occasions with relevant parents.
I attend sports day / naivety plays / parents evenings.
Rotate Hallowen and Bonfire Night duties.
Facetime tues and thurs evenings. (we will see when I have moved house)


I still feel im rolling over just to live somewhere I prefer to be.  I feel I should fight for more nights with me.

Thoughts please dads? am I mad or not?????

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  Advice on contact once school starts
Posted by: jodenice - Yesterday, 10:22 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (9)

Hi!  I hope you won't mind a mum writing?  But maybe a dads perspective can help.

My ex and I have a fairly volatile relationship (history has included some DV at the end) but we've managed, more or less, to stay on an even keel for the sake of our 4 year old daughter.  She currently attends nursery Tues - Weds every week. 

He hasn't worked since she was born and I work 5 days a week (hours squashed into 4 days) so his past contact has been - Friday night to Monday night one week and Sunday night to Monday night the week after (I pick her up after work on way home). 

He now has a job, so we're a bit stuck with contact - one week is Friday night to Sunday night as usual and the other weekend ('my' weekend) is a bit hit and miss, but I've rearranged work to work from home Monday to cover the day he can't have her but I'm going to have to put her in nursery as its impossible to do both.  I said he should have her one night every week (stayover) to make up for the Sunday night - Monday afternoon but he says he won't have her in week as he's now working.  PLus obviously split of holidays (again, he won't do as working).   

She starts school in September anyway, so this is just pre-empting the problems we will have then. 

He has said that he wants one full weekend and the next weekend Friday to Saturday night/Sun Morn.  He says that should be enough as I see her weeknights.  But that leaves me one Sunday to actually do anything with her - weeknights after nursery and work, we're pretty tired and after school I am presuming she will be exhausted.

I think one weekend and a night a week is fair.  But he is SO ANGRY about this, that I can't talk to him. He says I am an abuser, depriving our daughter of a father and contact with him.  I'm being inundated with angry texts about what a terrible, horrible, child abusing mum I am.  I'm dreading the phone going off. 

Last night was the last straw.  He blocked me all weekend and wouldn't tell me when (if) he was bringing her back, finally turning up last night and stopping her by the front door to say to her 'Ask your mummy why she's child abusing you and making me only see you once a fortnight'.  I fully admit, I'm a pushover, he's a bully, I quite often choose my battles to keep the peace, as long as she's happy, so am I.  But enough is enough.  Its completely unacceptable to speak to her like that and bring her into our arguments and I'm a bit heartbroken that she's being dragged into this.  So we need to act now, nip it in bud, get something written down.

I think we need to get some kind of access set at court, along with drop off times and picks up.  I'm not sure how to go about it.  A few sites I've read say mediation.  I'm a bit scared of him when he's like this but I think I could hold my own in mediation.  But then what?  Where do I even start with all this?  I don't have much spare money but I think figuring this out will be worth being skint for a while. 

Can anyone help?  am I even being unreasonable? (I should add that much as he is an arsehole to me, he loves her and she him and I want their relationship to continue and flourish).

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