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  The importance of distance from children
Posted by: Albion - 10-04-2018, 04:32 PM - Forum: THE LOUNGE - Replies (1)

Hello, everyone,

This is my first post here. I won't bore you with a long back story, but a few years ago I had a son with my then girlfriend (we were/are not married) who I'd moved out of London into the home counties for. We separated when my son was around one, in what was a very hard situation, however this followed months of physical and emotional abuse, abuse towards my family etc etc. Following our separation I moved in with family down the road, and there followed a huge battle to see my son regularly, repeated false accusations from my ex about child abuse, threats of court, and demands for extortionate amounts of money . - I take it from reading the threads here that this sort of thing is quite common.

Anyway, three years on, and following a court order, all is a lot more manageable, although I still have to put up with some nonsense from time-to-time. (Bit of advice, don't shy away from being assertive when you need to, always verify claims and stick to the CMA payments and court orders rigidly - it makes things much easier ).

I bought a house outside London just over a year ago, however, now things have settled down I am thinking of moving back in, as I feel I gave a lot away when I decided to trust my ex. I feel that it is not all that good mentally to be just 20 mins drive away from my son when I only see him every other weekend most of the time (I would be an hour away if I moved back to North-West London). Furthermore, my ex has stated that she will move to another location if it is in her interests to do so.

Has anyone had a similar experience and has anyone got any advice?

This is absolutely NOT a sob story by the way, I have things pretty good, and it is a huge objective of mine to be an amazing Dad; I'd just like my own life back also.

Advice greatly appreciated from those more experienced than myself.

Thank you.

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Posted by: Blue1982 - 10-04-2018, 02:01 PM - Forum: Your Court Results/Outcomes - Replies (9)

My solicitor is advising re ongoing child court proceedings.  We haven't actually been to court yet however my solicitor has suggested i would be fine to represent myself in court.  Could anyone share some experience of what would be expected of me in court?  My solicitor will help me prepare my case so i am thinking that the judge is likely to have made his mind up, based on all submitted evidence and CAFCASS report, prior to the court hearing anyway?

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  1st post. Looking for some guidance.
Posted by: edk9000 - 10-04-2018, 01:20 PM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (1)


I joined this forum to see what other people in a similar situation as myself are experiencing, and how to come out triumphant in the end.

This might be a long post but I'll try to keep it short.

I'm 30 years old and my kids (twins, m + f) were born in Nov 2017 so they are roughly 10 months.  there's also another (f) on the way, due in Feb 2019.

I was never married to their mother and was kind of kept as a pet in the upstairs suite at her dad's house.  Long story short: most attempts to leave the situation were met with severe violence and threats, as well as stalking.  The pregnancy was an accident and I stayed with her throughout in order to protect the best interests of the unborn babies.

Well anyway they were born in November and by February they (her and her mother) were so exasperated with my efforts to leave the abusive relationship that they (her and her mother) began threatening to call the police if I didn't comply with their demands.  Eventually, after days of torture (including sleep deprivation and other forms of spousal abuse), she put her plan into action.  She started this insane argument with me (at 0530h) filled with gas-lighting and other manipulative techniques, false accusations, etc.  It was so dramatic, I should have known she was recording it.  Anyway she caught me on tape spitting on her and then called the police the next day, so that was in February.  They used the audio recording as evidence to charge me with assault and I pled guilty in late April to start probation and see the kids again.  I was totally devastated and completely emotionally distraught at having a close relationship with my babies summarily severed; truly, it was traumatizing.

I know her motivation was to obtain sole custody.  I know this because I saw she had been looking on the internet for advice on how mothers can achieve sole custody.  The primary bit of advice that women give each other is "try to obtain evidence of him being abusive" because apparently a conviction and criminal record for violent crime is fair play.

During the bail period, I was granted two visits due to a bail variation, during one of which I witnessed her mother being physically abusive of my daughter, with impunity, clearly another attempt to make me angry to further exacerbate the situation.

After I started probation, consent was given for contact.  She wanted to continue our relationship.  I, of course, do not.
The problem is any time I indicate I don't "love" her or want to be with her, she completely flips her wig and immediately causes all kinds of devastation.  There is no middle ground here: either I am with her and access is given, or I am not with her and access is withheld.  Clearly, she has no respect for the rights of the children to access their dad, and prioritizes her own emotions over everything else.

I did move a few towns away (we live in a big megalopolis so a few towns is practically the same city), a few months ago.  She's come for a few visits.  She got pregnant back in early May, soon after I started my probation.

Obviously I left out a lot of context and details here.

Just wanted to give the basic outline.

some of you, lots of you
have been through the same thing.

The aftermath isn't too bad: I was discharged with 12 months probation and required to take the "PARS program" which is 12 weeks and I'm almost done.  That was a condition of both the criminal court as well as child services.  She retains her evidence of the assault and refuses to destroy it of course.  I have caught her attempting to accumulate more evidence such as screenshots of text messages (a vast library) which I was fortunately able to delete.  To me, it's not fair play at all to take personal/relationship conversations, make huge compilations out-of-context, and turn them over to the Queen every time she's scorned.

Clearly I can't trust her even now, after months of being "back together" per se...

What happens next?  What can I do next?  Every attempt I make to assert myself is met with swift and severe retribution, all of it focused around intensifying the damage to the relationship between myself and my babies.

Sorry just wanted to add some other bits

I have regular visitation. Every Thursday and Sunday I visit her at her dad's house, where she is keeping the kids. Sometimes I stay the night even though her dad threatens to call the police on me every chance he can get.

She's come to visit me twice, for a week each time. The second she got here, she reorganized my entire apartment to "make herself feel comfortable" and threatened to leave if I resisted. She doubled her efforts the second visit. My place is now an extension of her place. It feels kind of nice to see baby things everywhere, but also sort of like she's teasing me.

Nevertheless, she's very nosy into my personal life and makes sincere efforts to make sure I'm not dating or anything like that. She believes we're together and I keep the illusion alive for the sake of my relationship with my babies. However, it is notably psychologically devastating to live in fear like this.

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  Moved house, schools, impacting arrangements - help
Posted by: RightlyKnightly - 10-04-2018, 12:49 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - No Replies

Afternoon all,

I have two kids a boy (aged 9) and girl (aged 5). They are currently home educated by my ex-wife.

My ex and are divorced and have been apart for 4.5yrs. For the majority of that time I've had the kids roughly 50/50 (I have them every Wednesday and Thursday evening and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday). We've been largely amicable (although don't broach the subject of Marvel superhero films with her).

After our separation I moved out of the marital home and (skipping a few steps here) into a house in the same village. I wanted to ensure I was close to the kids. She gave up the marital home and moved out, leaving me to take it on. It is a four bedroom place. She moved about 30 mins away.

Recently my ex-wife and her boyfriend of two years (he's a good guy, I'm genuinely happy with the positive impact he brings to their life) have bought a house together in a lovely location but it's further away (nearly an hours drive). It's in the countryside.

The house they've moved to is two-bedroom and currently is in a state (they're attempting to very quickly decorate it, but it's a fairly large task). She currently doesn't have a job (she only ever worked out of normal working hours and part-time). The location she's moved to makes these types of jobs somewhat rare. Recently she's started taking the kids around schools in her new area to enable her to work normal hours. She doesn't drive.

I'm concerned on a number of fronts. Having moved so far away and with the kids going into school it may be difficult for me to continue seeing them for half the time. The current plan we've discussed will involve them leaving mine at 6am to get to hers for 7am so I can get to work for 9am 2-3 times a week. I'm worried about their living arrangements in such a small space (the living room is also the dining room is also the parents bedroom is also the main home education space). I'm also a little unhappy that the assumption has been that they will go to school full-time at her new place instead of near me (their friends are near where I live, their main constant life is near where I live).

She is clearly entitled to a career! So I understand the potential movement into full-time education. The school's around her area are probably better too. Similarly, however the kids and I are entitled to continuing our life. I feel like, without agreement I'm being pushed from a joint custody situation to one of contact & I'm not sure what to do about it.

Any comments, thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

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  accused of assaulting my daughter
Posted by: Dracusta69 - 10-04-2018, 11:49 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (1)

i need help my daughter who is high end spectrum Aspergers and prone to fits of rage and self harm has accused me of strangling her ( i only held her chin) has anyone had/been/advice about this situation before ?please need advise

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  Advice Sought - proposed change to contact
Posted by: davidj - 10-04-2018, 09:32 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (7)

Hi Guys,

Few months from my last post, and I am looking for some further advice / opinion on some changes which have taken place since.
I will try & outline the main points, rather than go through the entire story again:-

Separated from ex 3.5 years ago, amicable in most part through that time for the sake of son who is now 5.
Contact is currently Fri / Sat Overnight alternate, Fri Overnight other weekends with a Tuesday / Thursday Evening between 6pm – 8.30pm every week.

The midweek contact has varied on two periods (Nov 2017 – Jan 2018 & March 2018 – May 2018) where I was having increased access (although not overnight) to facilitate ex taking part in theatre production, rehearsals etc. This generally saw me having son varying evenings, then taking him back to her house, showering him and watching him until 10.30/11.00pm until she got home.

The last theatre production ended 8th May 2018, and low & behold a few weeks later she has established a new relationship (which I have no problem with)
The flexibility, co-operation & co-parenting at this point went out the window, and in the early stages there were attempts at intimidation from the new partner, all of which were met with pleasantries in response from me (treat nastiness with niceness!)

Took some time to think about my position, and how I’d essentially had the door slammed shut in my face with regards to co-operating with each other amicably for the sake of our son, and approached her on 3rd July with a 50/50 request, I did stipulate however that it was merely a suggestion and was open to some form of negotiation / compromise, asked her on 9th July if she had received it and it was acknowledged – said she was reviewing it and would let me know soon, asked again on the 20th July as I really wanted something to be agreed prior to him starting school in the august and she said ‘there’s plenty time’ I’ll let you know soon.
About one week later, out of the blue – solicitor’s letter, stating that they noted my letter, had sight of it and requested that I accept the current ‘status quo’ as they felt it would be disruptive to his current routine.

Mediation attempted – never responded

A number of interesting developments since however:-

They have announced their ‘engagement’ mid August
They have moved new partners kids in to ex’s house 3 days later (he has 50/50 of kids) and allegedly their school is around 25-30 miles from the new home. It is a 3 bed property, with 4 kids now, 3 Male (5,7,14) and one female (9) so son has essentially lost his own space.
She requested a letter of authority to take son to Florida 3 weeks prior to leaving, the holiday was booked in Feb this year and never discussed beforehand, I was aware of it after her advising me in March however no knowledge of dates, I tried to use this as a means to encourage mediation once again, this was met with a further threat of solicitors, before advising that she would respond to mediation request, I issued the letter as didn’t want to spoil the holiday, nor come across as being obstructive – needless to say no response to suggestion of mediation!

So the holiday concludes tomorrow after 2 weeks & 4 days, son has missed 3 very important weeks at his first year at school, along with P1 photographs – had parents night last night and school aren’t all that impressed at the time he has lost, and the level of work required to bring him up to speed on return.
All that being said, I had assumed that after this period of time away, and the fact that she maintained very little contact with me & son, I would have the full weekend on his return – unfortunately she advise me that they have planned a ‘family time’ weekend, so I can only have him the one evening! She claims that the kids have all missed each other, and it is important for them to have some time together on his return.
I don’t begrudge my son time with anyone, however I find it incredible that 4 months into a relationship where the kids haven’t known each other all that long, that as his father I have fallen down the priority list somewhat.
I sent her another message to encourage her to think about how we could look at working closer together, to ensure we both have meaningful time with our son that we both deserve, that I am prepared to do whatever required to stem the conflict & continuing issues – the response was that she is not prepared to discuss anything with me, end of.
I am beginning to question the validity of her solicitors letter in response to my request, surely all of this is more of a disruption to his ‘routine’ than what I was proposing, and for it all to happen the week that he started primary school?
So, after all that – I am going to try & see if we can negotiate through the solicitors first of all rather than court, I have an idea of what I would like to go for, but would be interested to see what you guys think in terms of whether achievable or not:-

  • First proposal would be to turn Tue/Thurs contact into overnight, solicitor felt previously that 8.30pm drop-off for son is perhaps a bit late, and further restricts my time. This would essentially move me to 7 days out of 14, and would be my ideal scenario
  • Secondly, would be to turn alternate long weekends from Friday through to Monday drop-off school, with a Wednesday midweek overnight, moving me to 6 days out of 14, again workable and would be happy with that

Few points:
School is 0.6 miles from my home / 1.9 miles from Mum
I have 3 bed house – son has own room / space
I have flexibility from work – work at home, make up hours etc.
My immediate family live within 3 miles, and have support from my mother if required for Childcare / illness etc.
Ex has no immediate family in the country, and is reliant heavily on friends for support.
Ex has placed him into after school club for the entire week, despite her only working Part-Time, would therefore offer flexibility to us both for collection from School.
Would appreciate any views / opinions, and thanks in advance.

Regards, David

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  signs of infidelity?
Posted by: Chester Copperpot - 10-04-2018, 07:32 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (8)

if you've read my other posts you'd know that my wife suddenly in April this year was "unsure about our married anymore" she promptly stopped all physical contact and became very angry with me.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight (or possibly paranoia) I can look back and notice some signs that might be considered signs of infidelity, such as..

A few months prior to her making her decision, she started taking a huge interest in her personal care.. shaving all her bits everyday, all over fake tanning, getting nails and waxing done much more.
And was going out more.

she always looked after herself but the frequency increased significantly.

she started wearing much more revealing things at work (push up bras, low cut tops and mini skirts).

At Christmas, she went on her Xmas doo (she works with only men and is the only female!) I wasn't best pleased at the idea but off she went.

she told me the club that they were finishing in closed at 4am which I thought was a bit late, so I called the club secretly and they said it closes at 2am.

I know that's paranoia but I was wondering if you guys had any other signs?

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  need advice
Posted by: fgssa2z - 10-03-2018, 06:07 PM - Forum: Fathers’ Rights, Legal Info, Court Orders - No Replies

hello I have a child support arrears payment that has been taking out of my check for about five years and the arrears is in the excess of $13000.00 between arrears and interest. the thing is I don't even know the lady that received the payments that I am repaying. That's right she's not  the children's mother or any other relation. After talking to my daughter  she told me that when she was 15 she's now 31 that her and her younger brother stayed with one of their mothers friend for 4 or 5 weeks while they finished the school year out and their mother found them a house in Colorado which  they moved into as soon as school was over.  so does anyone have any advice in what I can do or how to go about it. this is Oklahoma DHS  that is taking the payments which now I have lost a job and a new car because Oklahoma has a suspension on my drivers license and I live in Arizona

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  no more solicitor ?
Posted by: SeanS - 10-03-2018, 05:30 PM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (6)

Background: I and my ex going thru stages of separation, she got non-mol on me, I left home where My children live. After the mediation failed woefully, I have since filed for divorce and CAO since separation in May. I have in the last 2 weeks fired my solicitor after paying few grands for not much in return. My Ex has changed couple of solicitors since non-mol, and I have Just heard from her present solicitors that she has stopped instructing them too ! And has asked all the communications to go directly to her !

Here is my question if you can opine on - now that we both are solicitor-less, how does that play out legally during the court process Or even otherwise as the non-mol is still active, I don't want to communicate with her directly ? Are there any other issues that I need be mindful about both of us self-representing ourselves ? I would imagine divorce petition will go thru, but there is finance (not significant) and CAO to fight for.

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  Do they all claim domestic violence at somepoint?
Posted by: Chester Copperpot - 10-03-2018, 03:32 PM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (14)

I have read lots of posts on here and it seems that when the woman wants the man out of the house its as simple as calling the police, claiming DV and getting him removed.

What constitutes domestic violence?    Am I able to do this to her?    She almost smacked me in the face the other day in front of our kids!!

if we are arguing - She will call me the C word and I'll do the same - I also told her that I think she is bananas (as I really do think she is depressed and needs help).

Could all these things be used against me as a case of DV?

She has also recently brought up the time "I pushed her" (were we arguing and she lunged at me and I pushed her)  this was months ago - could this be used by her willy nilly?

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