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  My feelings and thoughts
Posted by: proud_dad - 04-08-2018, 06:41 PM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (7)

I am sat here constructing my thoughts. Trying to work out where to begin, like trying to find the end of a USB cable mixed in with hundreds of others.

I shall start with the why. Why am I writing this? I need to articulate how I feel. These feelings are a result of being in a very difficult relationship (I will get to that), mid-divorce, completely child-focussed whilst balancing out a demanding job. I need to express how all these factors affect me and how I hope to use them positively.

I used to be a hard-working cheeky chappy, quite open with my feelings. I was socially outgoing. Following the birth of my first child, that all changed - except for the hard-working bit. After my first child was born, my wife changed overnight; I won’t bore with details - except her negativity, aggression, blaming, mood swings, criticism, belittling eventually switched off a large part of ‘me’. This has affected the way I see things, feel things and most importantly move forward in life.

I am unable to feel joy, excitement, love, fun and happiness except ONLY with my two children. This does not mean I have become depressed in any way, as I still feel strong physically and mentally. Although I do feel sad knowing that how I have become will preclude me from entering into another relationship, as I cannot imagine making small talk, expressing emotions and throwing caution to the wind. How do I see myself? I have become a robot.

All the above sounds pretty negative. Objectively, it is. However, becoming robotic has helped me stay child focussed, deal with the intense routines that both my kids need in their lives, whilst balancing my very busy job - I put the eldest to bed, then I work until midnight. I am able to take endless amounts of abuse and harassment from the narcissist because I have no more emotions for her to hurt. This would not be possible if it were not for the robot in me.

I am at the point in divorce where I am likely to have to go to court over the children (soon to be ex narcissist wife has barked at me that ‘they live under one roof’). I do believe that the last 7 years of hell with the narcissist has been like an evolutionary pressure killing off the emotions in me that would have made me go mad/ill, whilst preserving and making grow stronger the traits that are necessary for dealing with this shitty divorce.

Good luck dads. Use your experiences as tools to build and shape your future - no matter how uncertain things may seem.

Change is the only constant.

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  Recently seperated
Posted by: Evissa84 - 04-08-2018, 03:22 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (8)

Hi all

I have been looking at the forum for a few weeks but plucked up the courage to post.

I seperated from my ex at the start of February and initially had access for the first week and a half until the ex was unable to gain a mortgage in her sole name so wanted me to stay on the mortgage until was in a position to do so which could be a number of years or never as I would think.

As I was unwilling to give an answer on the phone she stopped access. Even made allegations of DV but I haven't heard anything like that again and also she even said well you can come get our son and if he wants to go with you then that is fine. Our son is only 3 years old and this is shocking plus the fact if anyone offered some chocolate he would be off lol.

I have been to my solicitor to get access reinstated and got a letter back offering the following for the foreseeable future.

Week 1

Wed and Thurs 6-8:30pm

Week 2

Wed 6-8:30pm
Sat 1pm to Sun 6pm

I then replied via my solicitor that to reinstate access as your rota suggests but ultimately I am looking for shared care in the future.

I also asked to attend mediation as a way of having proper communication as seems we are getting nowhere.

My proposal

Week 1

Tue 6pm til drop off at nursery following day
Wed 6pm til drop off at nursery following day

Week 2

Tue 6pm til drop off at nursery following day
Wed 6pm til drop off at nursery following day
Sat 12pm til drop off at nursery following day

My ex works 5pm-8pm mon-thurs so can't see what the issue is with over night during the week.

I have now received the most recent letter which now says she has refused my contact proposals and will only offer what the original offer was but however as it's been over 7 weeks my ex feels we can't move forward with that proposal until father has re-established a relationship with his son and when she sees fit that is the case the contact will progress to the original offer. Also after 8 weeks of the original proposal if it.is reasonable she will review increasing access.

She also has refused to do mediation which I find bizarre as she is willing to be in my company to in essence supervise my visits.

I am completely over the place as do I give in to her request for supervised visits. Just feels if she is stringing me along and she makes up all the rules.

The reason it's been over 7 weeks is.because she has stopped access even after asking her for weeks and she is saying I'm a absent father

I am phoning the solicitor to get an appointment tomorrow.

Just looking for any advice I understand most likely I won't get shared care but she also tells me I am never getting 50:50 and I will not see our son on Christmas day.

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  Wording in order
Posted by: Cheese_head_1986 - 04-08-2018, 02:16 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - No Replies

So my draft final order has been sent to me and it's as I expected. The only part that worries me is that at each review meeting with the contact centre (and a meeting separately with me and the ex) it says "if the contact centre recommends and both parties agree"

Well my ex won't agree with anything anyway and the contact centre feel that the progression of contact should be based on their recommendations (which I agree with)

Does anyone have any suggestions for rewording this obviously we as parents should have a say etc however I can see her just refusing to let things progress and then I'll have to go back to court to start the whole process all over again (that's right isn't it?)

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  Nursery/swearing
Posted by: dbflex - 04-08-2018, 12:14 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (15)

Hi, my ex and I separated over a year ago and the only contact we have now is via email - and that is rare. It was a bitter breakup.

After an informal access agreement that worked for a long time, she recently began changing days and times, at short notice and against my wishes. I have applied to court for formalised access but that could take ages.


My most pressing concern is that our son (2) has used swear words at mine several times. The context on one occasion made it clear I was being insulted by either his mum or someone she associated with, while the other times it's been the f-word. Obviously I told him they were naughty words and informed her of what had happened, but she did not even reply.


The other issue is that I suspect, from things he has said, that she is already or will soon be putting him in nursery, but she ignores questions about this. I understand parental responsibility means I should be involved in these decisions but no idea how to enforce this given I don't know for sure he is going or which nursery it is.


Any advice on these two issues would be greatly appreciated.
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  Handover book? Seems to just be an order book
Posted by: Charlielovesyou - 04-08-2018, 10:25 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - No Replies

So i have been going to contact and happily seeing my little girl for the last 3 weeks since court. The ex tried to delay the sessions in court by saying she would wait for the paperwork before letting contact continue. I sorted that out by stating that i will book the contact centre and continue once a week as per the previous court order without interruption. Myself and the cafcass adviser both suggested a handover book which the ex gladly accepted. But it seems she thinks that it is a book for her to bark her orders out to me about what i should or should not do. I suppose this is what i expected so not really a surprise. 

The last couple of weeks it has had, dont feed her or give her juice etc, but this week she decided that she would tell me that

"we  would not be attending contact next week because the girls have a birthday party to go to. Please acknowledge that you have read this"

I laughed and carried on until the end of the session when i asked the centre if they were available to do different a different time/day due to the mother saying this. I also wrote in the handover book that i would not accept this as per the court order our daughter is to have contact weekly and i would not consent to no contact at all. But i would be open to arranging a different time or day. After all i have got to try and be seen as being reasonable here despite wanting to tell her to run and jump.

The only staff at the centre was the woman that has been causing me problems with taking my daughter away when she moans a little and always wants to take her back to mom at the slightest opportunity. On numerous occasions she has come and took my daughter back and doesnt even give her chance to say goodbye. Anyway so she went off to ask mom about what her suggestions were for contact and comes back telling me that she said that it was a family members birthday and she was unable to rearrange due to being at work and not being able to get a baby sitter for her other daughter. She came back saying well she said she cant do it and it is not her fault sort of attitude, tried to tell me that the order didnt say every week and mother was within her right to miss the odd session.  I ended up telling her to tell mom that contact needs to happen as per the court order and that there is already and enforcement hearing set and if she doesnt come she will be in breach, simple as that. 

This women is really starting to piss me off. She has also started doing handovers with mom back in the room so my daughter is working out her mom is still there.  I am having to restrain myself in the knowledge that she will soon enough be out of our lives. 

So anyway i left it with them and thought nothing of it, i guessed i would not be seeing my daughter next week. But low and behold within an hour of leaving they called me to say mother has said that could we do contact 1 hour earlier but only for 1 hour instead of 2. Again although i didnt want to agree, i ended up agreeing just so i could see my daughter which is the most important thing. Im not sure if she has gotten a little scared of enforcement or what but i doubt it even entered her mind that our daughter needs contact. I have to play the long game and she is only doing this because she thinks the court is making her. 

Sorry for the ramblings, im guessing a lot of people have found it to be the case regarding handover books? My ex thinks that if she puts something in there then i have to do it. It is basically a book to bark out her orders of what she wants.

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  Fooled again
Posted by: Jim - 04-08-2018, 09:29 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (14)

My wife left me and took the kids 6 months ago. Since then communication is very thin. No meetings or phone calls. Emails are ignored or given the most brief and dismissive of replies. Nothing at all throughout March. I ask for information about the children and get nothing. All of a sudden she's been all polite and friendly and wants me to do her a favour. I told her it's taking the piss and the answer's got to be 'no'. But I feel a chump. I actually believed the almost oily politeness. Thought maybe she was missing me.

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  How to grow from your pain
Posted by: Tamagoto - 04-08-2018, 08:50 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (3)

https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-from-your-pain

Worth a quick read for all of us faced with shitty situations out of our control (of right, that's everyone on earth)

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  Advice on dealing with mental abuse from ex
Posted by: SF79 - 04-08-2018, 08:23 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (18)

Hi All,

This has probably been covered before but does anybody have any advice or ways of dealing with controlling & mental abuse from the ex-partner? I'm nearly there in terms on the court process (hopefully all done in May) but the mental abuse my ex is subjecting me to has increased significantly recently. I didn't sleep a wink last night as I was so anxious and I felt sick and still do. Haven't had anything to eat for over 24 hours and don't feel like eating now. The following happened yesterday to cause this (this is just one example of many):

1. Had the kids throughout the day (the youngest was ill with a fever).
2. Text from mum 'Can you keep me updated on her and also can you drop the kids off at my mums later?'
3. When I dropped the kids off their nanna was there but no mum.
4. Got told by a friend that mum was out at the pub in the evening.
5. Got a text from mum while she's out supposed to be for another man (you probably get the idea of what type of message this is) followed by another one half an hour later saying the text wasn't for me.
6. I respond and say that I think that if one our our kids is ill they should be with mum or dad (not nanna if mum wants to go out - I haven't had an overnight in over a year since I left).
7. Mum responds and says that she's not out and is at home tucked up with the kids.
8. I know this is a lie but I stupidly go out in the car over a couple of hours in our town to see if I can see her (I don't know why I did this as I knew the truth anyway). Spotted her and a friend in the early hours falling out of a pub.

The problem I have is that I know she's trying to antagonise me and control everything and I still get this anxious/sick feeling for ages when something like this happens. For people who have been through this type of issue, does it get easier in the future or am I going to have a lifetime of this women making me feel this way?

Cheers,

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  Can my partner's ex dictate when contact takes place
Posted by: Hunky Dory - 04-07-2018, 06:33 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (3)

Long story short.  My partner, whose relationship ended with his ex over 8 years ago, is now applying to the court for a contact order for his 10 year-old son.

They were not married, nor did they co-habit but were in a relationship when their son was born.  For the last 8 years, my partner has had and informal agreement for staying contact on Fri and Sat nights, with extra during holidays.  This fitted in with his working life, even though his older sons had to watch his youngest because he worked on Saturdays.

Over the last 2 years, my partner's circumstances have changed.  He now works in a different job and we started our relationship in Feb 2017.  He moved out of his home, leaving his older children to take over the lease and we now live together.  His ex is a loony and an emotional terrorist.  She is bitter, resentful and abusive, despite the fact that she has had other relationships since their's ended.  

I am the first relationship my partner has been in since their break up as he had been treated badly for three relationships on the bounce and his confidence was on the floor so he shied away from any prospect of a relationship.  We were friends for a couple of years and eventually he has learnt to trust someone again.

Anyway, since he changed his job and moved in with me, he works a rolling shift of 5 days on and 3 days off.  Changing jobs wasn't a deliberate move.  Circumstances dictated that he needed to get a new job.   This absolutely incensed her.  She was used to having her Fri and Sat nights and all weekend free from Fri tea time until Sunday tea time.  She bitched and whined for a couple of months, demanding my partner get a different job and a revert to weekends.  He has no intention of doing that.

Their son is happy to come and stay whether on school nights or weekends, and likes it when his dad picks him up from school and takes him to school.  He's just happy to be with his dad and to spend time without his half brothers and sisters.

Last month, my partner had a conversation with his son concerning his half brother whom his son thought was his full brother and also told him about a half sister he was not aware of (his ex emotionally blackmailed him into not having a relationship with his daughter or she would end their relationship.  He was an emotional mess at the time for various reasons and so gave in to her damands and had no contact with his daughter).  Ironically, she trapped him with their son two years later.

Anyway, as their son brought up the subject, my partner took the opportunity to speak to him about it and explain about his half siblings.  Evidently he told his mum and she went ape shit and stopped contact.  

My partner went to mediation but she refused so we sent off the C100 to court.  She believes the court will make my partner give up his well paid job (he pays her according to the CMS site calculator) with prospects, to get one that leaves Friday and Saturday nights free.  I believe she is delusional. She wants her social life catering to but that's not my partner's problem.  

We are approaching the case from all of the right perspective and I have done a lot of research so everything about my partners application is and will be on seeking the court's support for his son to maintain a sustainable relationship with his dad.  She has stopped contact several times over the years but always given in after a few weeks.

She popped back up again a couple of weeks ago, on the run up to a holiday she was taking her children on.  She sent a message telling my partner she would 'give him one last chance but if he did anything else she didn't like she would stop contact again'. He declined and said he would rather have the court's support than keep on having contact stopped.  She stated she would only agree to weekends unless she had 'safeguarding' issues, which is ironic, she's a mess. Then came a request for extra money for the holiday.  

My partner has thought back over every time she has stopped contact then relented and every time she has followed it up asking for money.  He even 'loaned' her the money for a car once even though he knew she'd never repay it.

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone has any experience with their partner trying to dictate when contact takes place on flimsy claims of it's not a 'routine' to follow a rolling shift, when it is exactly that as you can plan ahead for months, years even.  She's claiming her social worker and the school head teacher are telling her she is able to dictate.

Many thank.

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  New partner
Posted by: kettleman - 04-07-2018, 11:38 AM - Forum: New Partners, Relationships - Replies (7)

My current partner lives with me at my home, and I am due to have my daughter for the first time in my home next week, my ex has already made it clear that 'I am not having my slags around her son' - If memory serves right this wasnt the case when her fiance was playing dad for the year it took me to finish court proceedings!

Anyways.. I have a feeling she will try and not drop my daughter off if she sees my partners car at my house, or sees her in my house, and make up some excuse that I cannot have her until my partner doesnt go near him..

Apart from carrying out the sarahs law application form, is there anything else she can do, or try and bring up in court with regards to my partner? 

I am concerned that she will break the court order, and then I will have to spend even more time and money dragging her back to court !

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