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  Custody of my daughter
Posted by: Scott1990 - 01-11-2017, 12:12 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (2)

Hi Dads

I am rapidly coming to the decision that my 6 year old daughter would be a whole lot better, safer and cared for in my custody. Myself and her mother split up in July 2014, 3 months later they moved 200 miles away, back to where her mother is from, along with my daughters older brother and sister (Not genetically mine, but they call me Dad).

In the first year they were gone myself and my new partner visited every month. We then found out in October 2015 that we was also expecting a new arrival. Living at her parents house we decided to move out and rent a 2 bedroom house, awaiting the arrival of our beautiful baby boy. This in turn meant we was now unable to travel the 200 miles, pay for a hotel and take all 3 children out for food and entertainment etc, due to the cost and the fact that 6 people won't fit safely into 5 seater car.

Over the course of the 2 years they have been gone, there has been various safeguarding issues regards to my daughter and the older 2 children (9 and 10). These include my daughter being burned on a heater, drinking Olbas Oil, drinking Calpol,  all 3 children not being made to wear socks in the winter, their toilet habits and all 3 being over weight. My 6 year old wearing age 8-9 clothing.!

There are many other issues that we have realized as well, what would my chances be of keeping my daughter the next time she stays and basically just not taking her back to her mother?
Without going through court and solicitors etc?

We are keeping a diary of everything that comes to light.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

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  Moving the Goalposts
Posted by: JonesLincoln - 01-11-2017, 11:39 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (4)

i separated from my ex wife some 3.5 years ago, and she has always tried to use the children as leverage regarding my access arrangements as a way of inflicting some sort of revenge for me 'not wanting her anymore'.  2 years ago, ithe situation got to breaking point and I was forced to visit a solicitor regarding my rights and level of access - the threat of pursuing the matter legally made her back off, and we agreed to me having the kids 3.5 in 5 weekends, and 1/2 of all holidays.  she has now decided that this is not suitable and is demanding we do alternate weekends, which I will not accept.  we operate a shared calendar online that proves the access arrangement that has been in place for 2 years and I have pdf copies of every month of these calendars for the last 2 years - if it goes to court, does this set a precedent that has to be adhered to?  I have never missed a maintenance payment, or a weekend or holiday with my kids, I love them, but they are being used as weapons to suit their mothers vindictive streak, on a whim and without good reason.

Advice would be greatly appreciated please.

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  Trouble and Strife
Posted by: strider - 01-11-2017, 10:58 AM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (6)

I've recently split up with my girlfriend, the mother of our seven month old boy.

Basically, we couldn't live together and ended up arguing every day, shouting, screaming until it became untenable. I moved out to a flat nearby and we began to discuss contact and visitation arrangements. Initially it was fine and I'd drop in to see the bairn on my way into work for half an hour then come back to help out in the evening, bath him, feed, help put him to bed. It should also be noted here that she has a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship.

Unfortunately, presumably after speaking to her mother who utterly despises everyone, especially me, she's restricted access saying I can only come round to see my son twice a week when her other son is at his dad's. And they have to be supervised visits with her in the house or my parents or someone there. I'm utterly flabbergasted as to why she's doing this.

Now, we both have a history of depression and anxiety and she says she doesn't feel safe with me being with my son by myself - despite having been fine with this for the previous seven months. I honestly think holding my previous mental health against me in this way is despicable. I suspect she's bitter about the break up and is getting negative advice from people who don't like me.

My question is this: is she legally able to insist on supervised visits or limited access without a contact order being in place? I don't think she is as she hasn't been through the courts and seems to be doing this on a whim.

For info, I'm not asking for much. A couple of hours every other day so he doesn't forget who the hell I am.

Any advice or tips would be great.

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  Step-child impact on child maintenance
Posted by: nickynibbles - 01-11-2017, 09:33 AM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (1)

Hi all, first time poster and loving the info i'm learning from the site! I do have a question though which I can't find the answer on through searching.

My situation is the wife has upped and left, moving out of the family home 4 months ago. We have 2 children from our marriage which would be 8yrs long next month, and there is a step-daughter from her previous marriage. She claims the child benefit so they all officially reside with her, I have them all for 3 nights/week. By way of calculating maintenance we have used the http://www.gov.uk calculator based upon the 2 children we have from our marriage. I am thinking of challenging the value I pay with her on the grounds that when I have my 2 biological children I also have my step-daughter (I've been in her life for 12yrs so i'm all she knows really and she's mine in all but biology as far as i'm concerned!!). The ex gets maintenance payments from her 1st husband for the step-daughter, but i'm covering half of her living costs effectively for the circa 3 nights per week I have them all. I also pay the step-daughters mobile phone bill! I appreciate its my choice to want to have her, but do I have grounds to ask for a reduction? We have a personal agreement in place we have arranged ourselves at present in advance of an expected divorce financial settlement, so think we can pretty much do as we please as long as there is agreement on both sides. Is this correct?

Second question in relation to the first, could this have an impact on any possible spousal maintenance calculation? From my initial scrap calculations I think i'm safe from the dreaded spousal maintenance claim as believe all her income sources of salary, benefit payments and 2 x maintenance payments gives her a disposable income similar to my own. If I drop my maintenance payments it gets a little close to the mark I think. I believe the spousal maintenance position of what if anything to be paid has to be agreed by the judge during the divorce process, is there much leeway at all or does it have to be 100% perfectly equitable for both sides? I'm talking a £50/mth swing roughly.

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  Do Dads really have no support network?
Posted by: andreww - 01-11-2017, 07:20 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (5)

Got into work this morning and a Homeless man was sleeping at the door. After waking him up i asked if he could move so i could gain access to the building. Noticing he was so cold i offered him a coffee before he had to be on his way and i asked why he was homeless. 
He advised he separated from his partner who got the house with his four kids and he has to sleep rough as the council wouldn't help him, he advised that shelter/YMCA is helping with a roof over his head, but has to wait another 3 days. 
As I have just recently separated from my wife and without some sort of support network (parents, friends etc), i would be in the same situation. Makes you realise that Dads have it hard mentally, emotionally and physically.
Interestingly my ex-wife got a phone call from maintenance checking she is okay etc, however i never got such a phone call!
Do Dads really have no support network, especially after a separation? 
I was wondering what people think?

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.” 
― Viktor E. FranklMan's Search for Meaning

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  Mediation refused - Mother is main carer but spends more time with me.
Posted by: JamesS - 01-10-2017, 09:49 PM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (14)

Just looking for some advise not in the same situation that a lot of people are in and i know some people would love to have what i have but i'm just having a hard time coping with it all. Don't really talk about the situation that's got me to where i am but just kind of feeling lost at the moment in all honesty so here's kind of whats happened and where im at, sorry if its a bit of an essay.
I separated from my partner march 2015 when my daughter was 14 months old. She had cheated on me earlier in the relationship and i had given her a chance and put that behind me but her insecurities assumed that i would cheat to get revenge or make things even, i had no intent of doing that and never did. She worked and i worked however she spent her money on i don't even know if i'm honest and i payed all the bills in a rented property and bailed her out of debts, to do this i had to work as much overtime as i could. Which ultimately led her to believing i was cheating after work, this eventually tore the relationship apart because i was doing my best to keep a roof over our heads and i was being accused of something that couldn't have been farther from the truth and i tried to stay for as long as i could as i thought it was the right thing to do for my daughter. This carried on for a number of months before she eventually lashed out, punching me in the face in front of my daughter with the intent of hurting me. I didn't retaliate in anyway as i knew the position that would put me in so i calmly packed my belongings and moved back to my dads house realising it wasn't best for my daughter with her being like that and me being miserable. I'm 31, so not ideal for me. Anyway since moving back i continued paying all the bills (approx £1200 a month) for 6 months until she was in a better financial position, not for her sake but to save my daughter the hassle of being moved around etc.

She never denied me spending time with my daughter, i work 7.30am-5pm she was working in retail and would be at work until 11pm and then pick her up most nights in the week and i would have her stop one night per weekend, i said it wasn't fair waking her up at 11pm to take her home as she should be asleep long before that. I think she realised this wasn't in my daughters best interest or it was just the fact it would of made more sense for me to have her over night which would have reduced what i pay her and she wouldn't of been able to keep the house, so she tried a 9-5 job but was laid off after a month, she got another part time job working weekdays with one day a weekend. My dad cares for my daughter when we are both at work. She has now got to the point and in all honesty i think she just does it to spite me so that i cant have any kind of social life because she doesn't want me to move on or be happy, so she now works up until 9pm 3 out of 4 weekdays and every weekend, so say monday to wednesday my dad has my daughter 3-4 hours per day, this is after she has been at nursery for 3 hours, and i have her until she is picked up or i have to drop her around 9pm, i have a thursday evening to my self, then my dad has her for on a friday 3-4 or 7 hours depending on her shift and i have her from when i get home until sunday evening around 7-8pm. The evening to myself varies around her shifts, and what overtime she agrees too, i also every other week have my daughter stop on a thursday night as well as any holidays i might take from work. I still pay for the sky and internet in the house she lives in (approx £60) and transfer £200 a month (wasn't giving her cash to make sure i had a record of transfer if she went crazy) this has all been mutual agreed.

I am now at a point where don't get me wrong i love spending time with my daughter, and i'm blessed that i haven't had the complications a lot of people being refused access. But i feel alone and depressed having no social life, i agree to have her when asked when the ex isn't at work, and give her free time around work on the weekend, scared of the repercussions that might happen if i don't and her going the opposite way with me and refusing to let me have her. But i feel like she is intentionally working at times, and agreeing to work at times, and even feel like she is lying about working sometimes when she isn't as it got to the point where she would refuse to send me a picture of her rota at the beginning of the week and i feel she is intentionally trying to trap me with my daughter to ensure i do not have any social life because she doesn't want me to move on which having a social life may lead to. I know this from the bi-polar type messages i get from her, when she isn't arguing she is telling me she misses me etc etc which i have extensively expressed that things are over with no chance of us ever getting back together. I have kept my head down and just podded on accepting that i have no life and im never going to have a chance to meet someone and it is what it is, just kind of feel like there's a bit more to life than feeling like this. I understand this may make people feel angry who have partners who refuse to give you access, but i feel like i'm more of a full time parent, feeding, bathing etc around work and she literally pics her up, takes her home puts her to sleep, gets her up for nursery, then drops her for my dad and me when she goes to work, i understand its not as simple for her being a single parent with bills etc. But it feels that its got to a point where she works to spite me with no intention to change, i feel like she's depriving her daughter of quality time, and she only picks her up to take her and put her to bed because it means she receives the money and benefits to help her keep the house she is in. 
I feel like i'm getting to breaking point and i love being with my daughter and i'm fine when i'm with her but when shes not here i'm feeling lower than i ever have before.
I don't know what i can do, or if there is anything to do to give us a better quality of life, i don't want to get to the point i'm feeling low and its rubbing off on my daughter, i want to be happy and be able to move on with my life and to be honest i want the ex to do the same. I've tried being reasonable and discussing my issues/concerns with her but she wont listen or understand what i'm saying and wants to twist everything, making out i want free time just to go up town on the lash and on the pull, that's not the case at all, i just want to be able to socialise with friends, be able to have a day on a weekend where i can get up and work on my car without having to rely on my dad to watch her, which i don't do because i feel guilty as he has her enough in the week just stupid things like that and pop and see mates and catch up, go out on my mountain bike which used to be a hobby before things got like this.

My thoughts are at the moment is that i'm too soft and iv'e made things easy for her to treat me the way she does, but i'm not going to keep on like this. Thoughts in my head are firstly do i go down the route of solicitors to be the parent with care (i may have used the wrong term there but there are a few) to have the rights to have my daughter stay with me and arrange suitable dates and times with the ex to have her. I don't even know where i would stand with this.

Or i know i'm paying her more than she would receive through the csa, do i stop paying for the sky/broadband, and just pay her what she would be entitled to through the csa for how many nights i have her, which would be approx £126 transferred and no sky or internet so she has to pay if she wants those things. In turn i know both of these would just end up with a load of grief from the ex, and i'm kind of past caring about what she thinks. I just want her to put her daughter first rather than trying to spite me. 
I know if i went through csa the reduction would make it a struggle for her to live comfortably in the house she is in (3 bedroom semi rented) and maybe the reality is, she needs to downsize to something more affordable, also would my retired father who cares for her when we are at work be entitled to any kind of payment, and i don't mean from the government, i mean from me and the ex to pay for the care he provides, would this just have to be a mutual agreement or is there anything stating legally he could from us. I know making things difficult for the ex sounds heartless, but i'm not sure if its just the reality check she needs rather than renting a house that's more than big enough for them which she can just about afford and claims she works all these hours to pay for is worth it when she barely spends any time there or with her daughter. 

I've read about shared custody as well but i'm not sure where that would leave me financially or what position that would leave me in regards to arrangements to see my daughter.
 I know employers have a responsibility as such for single parents where working hours can be agreed i'm not sure if its just for single parents or parents with children under 18, so surely working in retail she could work more suitable hours?

I'm 31 and i'm living with my dad, i work full time with a reasonable wage and i'm trying to save for a mortgage now my debts have been paid off from when i lived with the ex from bailing her out, i'm staying here rather than rent and struggle on my own and not be able to save up for a mortgage, i provide for anything my daughter wants or needs and i have done from day one, iv'e never once refused to have her iv'e booked days off work to suit the ex (i'm off next week because shes decided to go on holiday for a week without her daughter) and i have arrangements with work where from time to time i can work from home to be there for my daughter if my dad has appointments etc. Also the ex had postnatal depression and doesn't ever really feel like she has properly bonded with her daughter. Not sure if that would affect any of the routes i could go down.

I don't know if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar to this or felt like this and i don't know if there is anything i can do, i'm just sort of reaching out for the first time as i have no one to talk to who might be able to advise or may have been in a similar situation as i know it isn't normally how women act. Just feels like she is intentionally using my daughter to ensure i have no free time where i could potentially meet someone and be happy and move on, which i suppose is a form of bullying or control which i don't think is fair.

I don't know, it might just be me and people advise will be to just get on with it and keep on as i am and appreciate having my daughter i don't know, because i don't want to spend less time with her, i just need to be able to have something a bit more in life, a day on a weekend every fortnight to myself would be a dream. I don't know if people have had the same kind of issues and there is something that can be done/arranged/put in place legally if the other person has no intent of being fair just lost at the moment and my head is all over the place.

Any help/thoughts or opinions are welcome.

Sorry for the stupidly long message just needed to get it off my chest.



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  making new payment plan
Posted by: jamesbond - 01-10-2017, 05:47 PM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (14)

my case ends this month with CSA, CMS is taking over. Has anybody tried to settle a new figure with the ex. I have used the calculator and got 110. she was asking for more. at this stage she doesnt know my income. can i contact the CMS, agree to 110, set up the standing order?
i have read on the gov website the recieving parent doesnt have to agree. Have i read this right? Will i avoid the collection fees?


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  In a bit of a dilemma
Posted by: worrieddad21 - 01-10-2017, 05:44 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (1)

Hello all, this is my first post and I am in a bit if a dilemma and was looking for some advice.

I have a 9 year old son and I am really worried about him. 

My partner of over 10 years, refuses to send him into mainstream education, he is home schooled. He had a bad experience at school when he was 5 and we agreed that he could be home schooled for a year until she rebuilt his confidence. That was 4 years ago and I have been on her case for over 2 years and she just will not put him into main stream school. No matter what I say her opinion of home schooling always overrides my opinion for mainstream education.

My son has no friends, has never been to a birthday party and has never been on a play date. Over the past year she has isolated both herself and my son to the point of she has no friends either, so he does not even get socialised when she is meeting her friends. I am very worried about his social development as he struggles to engage with his team mates at his sports (something I insisted he must do).

There are too many other things to mention, but i want to focus on getting my son into a stable, structured environment where he can start to flourish. I really don't want him to hate me when he is 18, no education, no friends and no prospects because i have not acted.

I am now at the end of my tether with her and am going to leave her for the good of my son, but it will be fruitless if I do not get custody of my son so I can ensure he attends school, socialises with me and my family/friends and makes some friends for himself.

I am going to seek legal advise this week but was looking for some advice.

Any comments / advice on what I should / could do would be greatly appreciated.

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  Business asset.
Posted by: Jasonjkd - 01-10-2017, 02:47 PM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (1)

Hi Guys

I need some advice. My wife told me in late August that she was not happy and said she felt we had drifted apart. I was heart broken as you can imagine after 16 years and a little boy together. I still am. 

The problem is in 2013 she took ownership of 49% share in a company with a new business partner. He had 51% so he could protect his investment. I also work for the company (yes she was my boss at home and at work) but it worked for us with childcare as I could be finished to pick up our little boy from school. She had a more important job of running her business. 

Anyway fast forward 3 and half years the company is doing well, thanks to my wife's hard work. 

A few days after my wife telling me she was not happy I asked her if anything was going on between her and her business partner (I had my suspicions something was) she said no but did say, he had made her transfer her shares of 49% over to him in the July. I was fuming. 

Anyway for the next 2 and a bit months I tried everything in my power to help her love me again. But in November she said it was over. I moved out and we both signed a separation agreement that we wrote together detailing arrangements for our son and what she would pay me for my half of the flat we owned. But also she would not say in the agreement that she had sold her shares with out me knowing so I put I will not seek to dispute this whilst being employed by The company or if i leave of my own free will but may reconsider this if my employment is terminated by the company, or i am subjected to unfair or constructive dismissal.

I thought I had covered my ass. 

Anyway the niggling feeling that something was going on between her and her business partner. I got access to her ICloud account (I have since found out this Illegal but I did not know that at the time) and found messages between the two of them that strongly suggests some was going on. They were of the sexual nature. She said it was just sexting and nothing happened. 

So I took screen shots and sent them to his wife. His wife is not happy as you can imaging. But I am worried if she divorces him he will own all of my wife's company.

So my question is can I get a judge to order that the shares be transferred back to her as her share of the business is a marital asset and she was trying to move/hide that asset from a divorce with me in the future.

Sorry a bit long winded. But thanks in advance.

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  [split] Question Regarding Maintenance 2
Posted by: jamesbond - 01-10-2017, 01:48 PM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (4)

hi. have paid csa from 2011. my case ended first week in January then CMS takes over. I text ex and ask her how much she wants. Of course she picks a high figure. I text her, "for that figure you need to apply to CMS". When she phones them i know she will tell the usual lies. So what happens next? what are the figures for reduced rate? as i,m on minim  wage


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