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  Contact Issues - seeking advice
Posted by: Marg 1963 - 01-16-2018, 07:53 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (5)

I am writing on behalf our son. 
What are our son’s rights as a father?

Our son left his ex (girlfriend ) 3 and a half years ago. They have 2 children together, aged 6 and 4.
Our son is severely sight impaired. He can ‘see’, but his vision is limited and he cannot drive. However, he does work and is self-employed.

They lived in a house we own. He treated her to many holidays and bought a nice car, which he paid over half for. My son and I looked after the children while she was working. 

When the relationship finally ended, she did not want to discuss the car, or all the money she took out of their joint account or the unpaid debts.  We tried mediation with her, but she didn’t turn up to the meeting.  

She moved into a nice house nearby, while he went to live in an awful flat, the area frequented by druggies. He was there for 6 months before we decided to move him back to the previous house, rather than sell it.

She went to the CMO for child maintenance. At first, she told them he didn’t have them any nights, when he actually had them 2 nights a week! The CMO then rang her. He has never claimed for his new child or the extra nights he has had the children, (mainly, while she was on holiday with her new boyfriend), because of the underlying threat she will stop him from seeing them.

He has always paid maintenance on time, but she asks for more money to buy clothes. We now have the added cost of fuel as she has now moved over 30 miles to be with her new boyfriend. She told our son she was moving, very suddenly. Our son didn’t have any say in the schools she chose. One of the children took a long time to settle in. She wanted to come back to her daddy.

The rota has always been on her terms. Our son did have the children every weekend, of varying lengths. The Sunday only day was dropped, by mutual consent, last September. So it was then, 3 weekends out of 4. We are expected to do all the driving, even though our son can’t drive. We will do it so our son sees his children. She moans, if on the rare occasion, she has to drive down.

We are ‘expected’ to take them back up to parties if they fall on his weekend (6 trips!), including buying the birthday present for the last one! The children don’t even join in. We put our foot down and refused to go to the last one. Are we being unreasonable at wanting to put a stop to it? We feel she is taking the p***.

Because of our refusal to take them to the party and the fact that my son refuses to give her any more money, we feel this is the reason she has decided to cut his contact with the children to every other weekend now. Our son isn’t happy with this. She hasn’t discussed this with him, just told him or rather texted him, as she normally does, with this new rota.  As far as she is concerned, that is the end of the matter. He doesn’t have a right to have any say in it. She has asked the children (age 6 and 4) about this new arrangement and it’s ok by them. At their age they can’t be asked to make decisions like that, can they?  Without any prompt from anyone, the children wanted to stop longer at their dads this weekend! 

She says she wants to see the children more and so does her family (they haven’t bothered much with them before).  She wants the rota to be every other weekend but to be flexible (to suit her!). And they still have to go to parties even if is our son’s weekend. We and our son (if he does agree to every other weekend) want it more fixed, so we aren't messed about. We feel we are being dictated to and so does our son.
We know she plays us off against each other, thinking we aren't communicating. eg She'll say, well 'our son'  said he agreed or said something, when in fact he hasn't at all.

She says her decision is final as she is the main carer. What rights has our son got? We desperately need advice.  Our son is prepared to see a solicitor, if necessary.

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  Any tips for mediation?
Posted by: Charlie7000 - 01-16-2018, 06:37 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (1)

This is court ordered mediation before final hearing.  Just prior to it starting, had lots of threatening emails from ex who says if xyz document isn't produced at first mediation then blahdi blah contact.  This is to do with her latest accusation. Ok so contact may go pearshaped before final hearing.

But assuming mediation actually doesn't fall apart in the first 10 minutes, what kind of things should I be prepared to discuss (it's shuttle mediation).  At the moment she is trying to get an agreement at mediation via blackmail!

Am a bit concerned at sharing any information at all at this stage, even at mediation.

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  Contact issues- any help greatly appreciated.
Posted by: mikeg4278@yahoo.com - 01-16-2018, 06:14 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (5)

I am divorced 10 years and have 1 child who was moved 250 miles away from me around 5 years ago. I took out a court injunction to prevent this and as part of the agreement to remove this injunction and allow my ex to move, we mutually agreed via a court order that she would bring him at her own expense to a midway point between the two of us at her own expense. In the last three years, this has been superceded by an arrangement where he flies fortnightly between the two us and we both bear the cost of one flight each plus chaperone costs(the cost of this more or less equates with the cost of the journey by car). This has worked without any problems for the full three years.

She has long been resentful of this arrangement and just after Christmas, she announced that is no longer prepared to pay for her flight but would still make my son available for contact if I paid the return flight she is responsible for.

To further complicate matters, she is currently threatening to take me to court re a best endeavours clause to remove her name from the mortgage for the FMH. This has never been an issue until last summer when she found herself in her new property on a Standard Variable Rate after the expiry of a long-term fixed deal. Despite being able to secure a new mortgage first time around, she is being prevented second time around due to her name being on the former marital home.  It is in both our interests for this situation to be resolved as there are considerable cost benefits for us both. 

On this basis, I applied for a mortgage last summer and was marginally unsuccessful but told by the broker that it would be highly likely I would succeed next time around on completion of the second year of accounts for my business. I am currently self-employed but was only able to submit one years of accounts. I will be in a position to submit another year of accounts at the end of March.

I have explained to my Wife that I cannot simply take on the cost of her flights as it will severely jeopardise the mortgage application. I have suggested that we appoint a mediator and do a mutual financial disclosure in order to reach a resolution. She has completely ignored all suggestions and requests to find a resolution, therefore, forcing me to take legal action the cost of which will once again have a detrimental effect on the mortgage.

I have written to her and advised that if she is not prepared to discuss a resolution or consent to mediation then the only option I have to keep the mortgage application on track is to book the cost of the flights and deduct this from her maintenance, providing her with the receipts. This will basically mean she is not any worse off than she is currently but I maintain contact with my Son and keep the mortgage application on track. I have informed her twice of my intention to do this and it once again been ignored. 

Can anyone please advise on the likely implications for me if I take this approach. All payments are fully up to date and there are no arrears.

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  help needed
Posted by: Marcdickson123 - 01-16-2018, 04:41 PM - Forum: Contact & Residence Issues, Problems with Child Arrangements - Replies (2)

Hi folks, 

new to this so please bare with me  Smile


I had my son 7 and half years ago with my ex she was cool for the first while when broke up cause i stuck around like a fool because i thought i was doing the right thing for my son. in hindsight it wasn't the best thing as she became reliant too much on me being around and her getting her own way. a year or so passed and i couldn't do it anymore so i moved on to other women and having a life in my own in my own time and was seeing my son 1 night during the week and most if not every weekend from the age of 2 too 4. i have settled and been in a relationship with my current partner for about 3 and a half years now, ever since we got together my ex has been a nightmare she stopped me from seeing him for about 5 months then decided i could see him again but i only get him every 2nd weekend which was OK to deal with, she doesn't communicate with me regarding him i know nothing about his daily routines or life even though i have tried my hardest to co parent shes not interested shes more interested in making sure he doesn't have a relationship with my new partner and making it as difficult as possible for me to have a happy family life with my new partner. i have had another kid now who is 18 months and i thought to start with my ex was being cool with my son spending time with him and us as a family but it turns out she would rather slag my partner off to him and make sure he doesn't spend time with me and my family to the point my partner cant have a relationship as my son doesn't have any chat for her and can make her feel awkward in our own home which is sad as my son is a very loving and caring child just not to my partner. recently in trying to co parent with my ex she has blocked my number and so i cant even call my son, she only communicates with my dad who picks him up for me on a Friday and arranges collection on a Sunday and for the past year he has only been allowed to stay with my dad and mum, she should be going through me if our son is to stay with my family. every one is so scared of not seeing him if we piss my ex off enough is enough now it time to sort this as much as i can for my sanity and for stability for my son who carries his toys and clothes about over my weekend to different houses because he cant stay with me.

where do i stand with this do i have to put up with her only allowing him to stay at my dads and my mums over the weekend? or do i risk not seeing him at all by having him stay with me on his weekend, 

this is all having an effect on my son and this is why i have just put up with things for so long because he is all that matters all she is interested in is her self and doesn't seem to want the best for him. 

sorry to seem to go on for ages i just want both my kids to have a relationship and for every one to get along and spend as much quality time with my family including my oldest

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  Paternity leave - notice and eligability
Posted by: JH86 - 01-16-2018, 03:36 PM - Forum: Child Maintenance, Finances etc - Replies (1)

Hi I'm new to this forum and parenting, so don't judge me for my failures here. Time has flown by during the pregnancy and now I'm in a quandary.

I'm expecting my child to be born in the next 3-4 weeks and I'm separated from the mother.

Firstly, I had no idea of the 15 week notice period for booking paternity leave for work and so as it has long passed, can somebody tell me if I will still be able to book it?

Second, like with most employers, my HR dept requires an SC3 form from gov.uk. However, it won't let me fill in the form unless I declare that I intend to be in a an "enduring relationship with the mother". Is there any way around this as it seems very unfair?

I did some research online and all I found was some information about qualifying if I intend to help out with childcare from birth, which I do. But I can't seem to find any other way to apply.

Any info would be very helpful as I'm (obviously) clueless!

Thanks

J

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  Final hearing statement help
Posted by: DSmith66 - 01-16-2018, 03:24 PM - Forum: Fathers’ Rights, Legal Info, Court Orders - No Replies

Hi all, new to the site and have read through a lot of the posts. I'm in need of some help and advise. After 15 months of fighting to see my daughter and 6 court hearings, I now have a final hearing mid April. I've had section 7 section 37 reports and updates all showing my ex has parentally alienated my daughter. Cafcass not much use as was the core access option.
I've to write a statement based on section 1 (3) of the child act 89 and based on the 4 option the Judge will decide one of. flip residency which social services favour, no contact which cafcass favour for some reason direct or non direct access with my daughter still living with my ex. Which I can't working as she's hell bent on me having no contact with my daughter.

I've had the usual accusations thrown at me all I've proven to be lies. I'm representing myself as my divorce legal costs have been over £20k, the positives are that the same judge who has had 4 of the hearings is the final hearing judge. Just really frustrated she has done nothing about how my ex has flatly refused social services independent access to my daughter. She's even admitted in court to recording the meetings.

Any suggestions or guidance would be really appreciated, I', in court for my final finance hearing in two weeks as well, as my ex wants pretty much everything I own and vital body organs.

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  Two kids, another on way
Posted by: Iceman1875 - 01-16-2018, 12:33 PM - Forum: New Partners, Relationships - No Replies

Afternoon All,

first post!

I have two children from a previous relationship. I have paid for them since they were born and continue to do so. This was set up by the CSA initially but I now pay direct.

My new partner is expecting in the summer and I'm keen to understand what percentage (approx) will I pay for my two existing kids from my monthly salary in comparison to what % i'm currently paying.

I appreciate this won't be 100% accurate but looking for a steer from Dad's who have been in similar positions.

Many thanks for your help.

Iceman

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  Long distance dad. Does it work for you?
Posted by: harrison404 - 01-16-2018, 09:17 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (5)

So it's been almost a year since the world I knew fell apart and my relationship with my children irreversibly changed forever.
The exit strategy my ex chose to get out of our 14 year marriage (19 year relationship) was cruel and selfish beyond belief. She cheated and lied as far as she could, and predictably behaves like a woman abandoned and scorned now that the love of her life ran for the hills within days of the affair being revealed. I prefer not to go over old ground as I almost lost my mind due to her callousness and ended up quite ill. After plenty of counselling and advice I took the bold decision to relocate nearly 3 hours away to be around family and  friends in order to get myself well and fundamentally remaining a healthy, happy dad to my two children 11 & 5. 
The situation was that as I'd worked from home over the last 10 years I had no support network where I was. My days we're spent taking the children back and forward to school, a very much hands on dad, with them everyday. One of my ex's parting words we're that I concentrated on the family too much and not her.
So we sold the house, as neither of us we're in a financial position to buy each other out and we went our separate ways. The children live with her and I get to see them every other weekend and half of the school holidays, with plenty of texting and FaceTime contact. Although it's not amicable there has been nothing obstructive in terms of access from her so far. She even brings them half way for pick up's and drop offs and I was lucky enough to have them for the whole of christmas week, including christmas day. However I am under no illusion that this will probably change over time, and she won't always be so agreeable.
As for my own hapiness, I've moved on leaps and bounds and settled in with a lovely woman, with two children from her previous marriage, and our blended family is getting along fine. I'm sure that will have it's pitfalls along the way.
However, not a day goes by without the deep pain of missing my children everyday. I suspect that will never go away. I text my daughter everyday and keep in constant communication with the school about their welfare and education, but the truth of the matter is I can never really be the constant supportive presence to them. sharing everyday mundane moments are gone, being there in an instant should anything happen isn't physically possible.
I try not to dwell on this as I can see it spiralling into bouts of depression, and I although I do have moments of doubt I know deep down that I made the right decision for the good of my own health. Some may not agree, but I can't allow myself to be shamed by slurs such as "deadbeat dad" or "disney dad". I know I'm a caring, loving father.

I'd like to hear other dad's experiences on this, how they've coped over the years in a similar situation. if their relationship with their children suffered or blossomed.

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  Helping her kids dad get access
Posted by: Danmy150112 - 01-16-2018, 08:10 AM - Forum: New Partners, Relationships - Replies (2)

Hi, I'm looking for advice regarding helping my ex girlfriends daughter contact with her father. I've read through these forums and thank my lucky stars my children have a mother who put their needs first...I've been a real dick in the past, my ex has grounds to hate me but has never limited my contact as she knows I'm a good dad...just a bad partner! Lol 
Anyway, my reason for joining is this, I've recently split from my girlfriend who had 3 grown up kids to one dad and a 12 yr old daughter to another. The moment we started dating I was told horror stories of violence, control, rape and even an attempt to run his own daughter over which I had no reason to question,  I class myself as old school...real men don't hit women, nobody should hurt children etc. When the relationship first started I was taken in by this and when she kept saying her ex was bound to come and beat her at xmas as he always does I contacted the ex, advised him to "do some homework " on me and consider the consequences of upsetting my girlfriend. 
Xmas came and went, no drama...except an argument between me and my girlfriend over her intercepting a xmas card from him to his daughter. The daughter is a lovely kid although hard work due to autism and adhd...she has the mental age of a 5 to 6 year old. Initially I was concerned about her behavior with me as I saw it as inappropriate that a 12 yr old girl should want to sit on my lap and cuddle me within 20 minutes of knowing me...I know I'm not a nonce.. But her mum didn't know that. Anyway, she's told that her dad wants nothing to do with her and he's constantly slagged off as a nasty wife beating monster...which I tried to comment on being wrong and received a torrent of hateful abuse so didn't bring the subject of why she can't see her dad up again. Shortly after new year I found some paperwork relating to some kind of injunction/non molestation order and questioned it...It had expired and she intended renewing it to keep the daughters dad away...I told her to leave it as I'd warned him not to come anywhere near the house. 
Over the last two weeks I've caught her out telling whopping lies to me and as a result ended the relationship, the trouble is I can't help thinking about whether anything else she's told me is a lie? Just supposing the girls dad didn't beat/rape/abuse my ex? Maybe he never tried to run his own daughter over? 
So I did a bit of online searching regarding her ex..he's a school caretaker? (surely mere allegations of rape and attempted abduction would hinder getting such a job as an enhanced crb check would flag him as violent and a suspected rapist?) allegedly the rape case was thrown from court due to someone saying she had told her the allegation was false? 
So I dug a little further, this man appears to be in a good relationship with his current partner and has been for last 5 years..his new partner regularly posting comments on social media saying what a great man he is...his social media is a continuous stream of posts regarding how he misses his daughter? 
He also has 3 other daughters (different mum) that he appears to have a great relationship with..I can't understand how he could be such a threat to his 12 yr old and be a good dad to his other kids...all the evidence piles up to say it's more likely he's a victim of her vile lies and as such the poor daughter is missing a much needed father figure in her life. 
I feel I can't abandon the poor girl, but really don't know the best way to help? Yes, I will admit that there is a tiny part of me that'd get a kick out of helping him get access as a kind of revenge for lying to me...But my primary concern is the daughters wellbeing,  due to her problems I feel she needs her dad more than ever...But in the off chance that some of her mother's views on him were true I'd not like to think I'd helped put a vulnerable girl around an abusive man? 
Do I contact him? Do I contact social services to pass the decision to them? Or would they simply view my opinions as those of an angry ex partner? 
I suppose I'm kind of hoping the dad is a member on here and reads this? Lol
I just want to do the right thing where this very clingy, overly affectionate (in my opinion)young girl is concerned, I know i need to,say or do something...But what???

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  Child care
Posted by: gregg - 01-16-2018, 01:15 AM - Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads - Replies (11)

Hello
       My girlfriend ended our 9 year relationship 3 weeks before christmas and I moved out.
I have a son who is six and a 14 year old stepdaughter and at the time of our seperation I had job mon to fri dayshift,my ex partner works thursday friday and saturday evenings and sunday during the day.I took the news of our seperation very hard,it was very stressfull
and am suffering from anxiety and depression and insomnia.During the the last 4-5 weeks I have been watching my 6 year old boy throughout the holidays 3-4 days a week and supporting her financially till we came to some arrangment which I hoped we could reach.
unfortunately my work was less than supportive even though i was never late or missed a day of work and was going to work with little or no sleep and was very forthcoming about the situation.2 hrs after I told them I was going see my doctor they summoned me for a meeting and sacked me.

The week before I was sacked I had talked to my ex about how I was feeling and agreed to watch my son every weekend friday - sun but wanted to have 2 saturdays a month off and she agreed.soon after I was sacked I recieved a letter from a lawyer on my girfriends behalf telling me basically that I have to watch my son friday to monday because of my girlfriends hrs and that she would consider taking a saturday off if I paid her the money she would lose for taking time off.she also said she would be happy for my parents or my sister to watch my son and although her own mother stays 5 min away she not willing to help nor has ever helped with the care of my son but is willing to watch my stepdaughter.
I am burnt out unemployed and now taking sleeping tablets for my insomia and mentally not in a good place right now.

God knows I love my son to bits but am falling to bits myself and only wanted a few saturdays a month to see my friends a repair the damaged done to myself over this terrible situation.Now I have to get my own lawyer to see where I stand legally which I had no intention of doing.
Can someone tell me where I stand legally or give me any advice ? I feel I have done everything right but she is not willing to make any comprimises and all the responsibilty for my sons care is being laid upon my family and none on her own.Any Advice would be very much appreiciated

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