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Proving false allegations or staying child focused?
I am being very frustrated by my solicitor.  She is constantly saying that I need to be child focused and I shouldn't say anything bad against my ex who is making loads of false allegations of domestic violence.  If I say bad things about her, ie. saying she's lying and giving lots of examples, she has emotional problems which she has a history of, etc, my solicitor is saying it will make me look bad as I'm concentrating on dishing up the dirt on her instead of focusing on my children.  I don't know if this is the correct advice or not, if I don't prove the allegations are false surely they will be used against me.  My solicitor says I just need to deny the allegations but don't need to prove them as being false.  My ex is obviously not being child focused and constantly making false allegations and she is getting what she wants.  I'm thinking of ditching my solicitor but I just don't know, they're supposed to be the experts.  Is my solicitor correct in the advice she is giving?  Any advice appreciated.
Your solicitor is correct...

1.What is your objective... to gain fair access to your kids... then focus on this
2. You don't need to prove allegations are false - they are considered false unless your EX can PROVE them
3. This is a civil case not a criminal case so random accusations of DV will not even hit the radar, she woudl have to go to criminal court or if you have ever been charged with assault, this could be considered .. but you haven't so don't worry... like every jilted ex, she has no photos, no hopsital records, no plice records, no times or dates, no witnesses ... it's common allegation
4. You have to go into court and show you can make this work - you and your ex. Any tit for tat will make you both look immature - take the higher ground
5. Every relationship has this 'he said/ she said' element and while you are doing this you are NOT focusing on the kids
6. You may even be advised to go into court and tell them that you trust your ex to look after you kids without any issues... because that is probably right... and she should be advised to do the same... she is making the mistake not you - take the higher ground

Sit down and re-evaluate what you want out of the court case and focus on it - it will be the relationship with the kids sorted in the quickest possible time - do any of the crap that your ex is doing and the judge will turn the case into a 3 year hearing and make you both bankrupt

You need to look at what you want in future not mud slinging in the past... relationship is over... no need to drag up the details... its family court and they want to seethe kids will not be impacted

Start ever sentence in court with "Putting our children first, i believe the right thing to do is..."

PS - After the case is heard, you can go back and present your evidence if she breaks the initial court order

As always - others to add to this please as its only one opinion and as my ex told me ...I'm "always wrong" :-)
Thanks for the clear and concise reply. It's definitely helped.

However, the fear I have is that my ex will claim that the domestic violence she alleges means she cannot in any way communicate with me (which she is currently refusing to do) and therefore cannot do equal shared care which is what I want. She has already insisted on supervised contact after saying she feared I would abuse the children in the same way she alleges she was and this was granted as a precaution. It should be clear that I have never posed a risk to my children and that they have a close bond with me from the contact centre reports. I'm just concerned about if and how the allegations would be used against me. Would a judge take the fact she says she cannot communicate with me because of the alleged abuse into account despite there being an obvious close bond between me and my children?

I have had the same accusations as you have had levelled at you - however, I am not responding to ANY of them, I know who I am, I know that I want access to my little girl, and I can take care of her and be a brilliant dad to her. Thats all you have to remember - your an awesome dad and that this is all just delaying tactics to stop you from seeing your kids.

I took the case against my ex, not to be evil or nasty to her, but to get access to my daughter, thats the most important thing - and I will jump through any hoop just to get to see her - I just need to ensure that I dont stoop to that level of animosity.

The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
Her saying you don't communicate and you having an opinion your ex doesn't like are different things... :-) - you know it!

Record all the emails and texts you get (i hope you get some) from the ex... must be one or two around drop off or if she is ill etc etc

This is communication - keep a record and summary
Keep all your communication - texts emails and verbal - to very factual - no emotions, no threats... nothing she could use to back her case

Its going to be difficult for her to say you don't communicate if you can show a text saying "can you pick the kid up as I'm running late" from the ex as THAT is communication about the welfare of the kid

Secondly - she has to be shown to be communicating as well - not just you - her refusal to communicate is NOT putting the needs of the kid first so ask your solicitor about a strategy to defend that - always think "Kid first"

Judge has to weigh up the best for the kids... her refusing to communicate won't look bad on you... it will on her! Judge would have seen it all before ... be calm, kids focused and don't react to the lies.

PS - you might not get equal share - search out the reasons on other threads (residency, child benefit, who pays CMS)... norm is alternate weekends and 2 nights in week which is 12/30 nights so 40% - its not impossible to get shared but also make sure you know that getting the standard is not a "defeat" but it may not be 50%

I can feel for you because I was in the exact same situation.

How did it work in my case?

My ex also came up with some pretty horrible allegations and the judge very quickly settled for a fact finding. My ex then had to come up with a witness statement herself and 2 witnesses to support her case.

The paperwork I received from them was like the devils bible of hell. 50 pages of crap, some of it just laughable stuff.

The agreement I had with my lawyer was that I would prepare my response myself and she would then read and try to improve it.

I then put in a witness statement of 150 pages with about 100 additional exhibits responding to every little shit the ex threw at me.

My lawyer said not to do this and to just focus on the big points. She was also concerned that the judge would not accept this as our bundle would exceed the allowance for permissible pages by a lot.

I will never forget the hearing which then followed.

My ex and her barrister and me and my barrister - first row. The judge was fuming and you actually could not see here face anymore from the piles of files on her desk from our case.

She was so pissed that she took mothers statement and shredded it to bits and took almost everything out for fact find.

The judge said that this had completely gotten out of control and was attacking both barristers also for letting this happen.

What I am trying to say is, that in my case I felt it was good to initially respond to every little shit to send a signal to the lawyers from the ex and to the judge that I will not just watch them walk over me and that I will put up a fight instead.

Looking back now I would probably agree to concentrate on the bigger picture but at the time it was right for me to blow out the candles straight away.

Am in same situation do I get access after accused of domestic violence allegations?
Here rtner left the house went to women refugee centre and told them that I been beaten her five times while she had her kids in her arm she said I been threatened her too but when she left I was even sleep I think she reported to the police but I went to police station they said we don't have any queries about you.
After two weeks I emailed her regarding children she replied rarely finally she agreed to bring the kids to see them in train station for 40 minutes she told me I can see thekids regularly when she get her new house she said I am currently in women refugee centre I agreed after 3 weeks attempt to see the kids she brought kids at KFC around her mum house to see them again she agreed on every Thursday I can see the kids. When she left a day later she text me saying don't contact me or email me I said why she said you can't see the kids because there was domestic violence.
Now I apply for court despite I seen the kids after her saperation i took pictures of kids at KFC for incase she not deny I seen the kids also I mentioned she went with my neighbour in relationship within 6 days of saperation it show's in her facebook page.
Does the judge blieve her allegations? If yes will I still get access to see the kids or they not allowing me?
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(04-05-2017, 10:58 PM)Frisbos Wrote: She was so pissed that she took mothers statement and shredded it to bits and took almost everything out for fact find.

The judge said that this had completely gotten out of control and was attacking both barristers also for letting this happen.

What I am trying to say is, that in my case I felt it was good to initially respond to every little shit to send a signal to the lawyers from the ex and to the judge that I will not just watch them walk over me and that I will put up a fight instead.

Looking back now I would probably agree to concentrate on the bigger picture but at the time it was right for me to blow out the candles straight away.


Wow, I can't believe the judge acted like that, and these people are trusted with making life changing decisions.  Can I ask what was the outcome afterwards?  Was your ex believed?  Did her allegations have any effect on the outcome?

Do you think had you not responded in the way you did it would have changed the outcome?

I found the judge very competent, organised and fair all the way long.

We had a fact finding and the judge gave a very long summary saying some of the allegations could have happened on the balance of probability and some others not.

She avoided a hard down case saying this is true and this is a lie.

I felt that the judge saw the bigger picture and that there were 2 people in desperate times when breaking up. She probably believed I did not behave correctly all the time towards my ex but not at an level the ex made it out.

There was a huge amount of mud throwing from the ex, her family and her new partner who didn't even know me. All that was of course reckognised from the judge.

My ex tried several times to strip me off my PR, pause contact to the children and get me on a DV course for a year.

The judge again, made her statement very well balanced and said she would leave it up to Cafcass to make a recommendation about the contact and DV course. It was always clear that I would keep my PR.

She also said that she was not sure if that stuff she found likely to have happened is anywhere enough for a perpetrator course. She asked me to think about a parenting course.

I then had my interview with Cafcass and again I had a very competent social worker who read the bundle and straight away told me that she would not recommend any dv programme. I told her that I would be willing to do a parenting course which she supported.

Coming back to the final hearing the ex still insisted that I need to go on a dv programme which the judge refused.

So, of course did the allegations had an effect on the outcome. My ex came up with so much crap that something stayed. I did not walk away unbruised from that fact find.

But considering from where I started I thought I would never see my children again such horrendous crap was thrown at me.

Sometimes I think I may have needed to be much more aggressive in the hearings to defend myself. But I was grasping every straw I could get.

However, I now have more or less a normal access to my children.

It took almost 2.5 years with a lot of very little contact in centres but I always kept in my children's life which I believe was the most important thing.


I'm currently struggling with this. I have an urgent hearing coming up and leading up to it all I've heard from my ex's family is that I've done this, that or the other. The latest being them calling the local authority and spouting lies that I'd spoken to a social worker who'd advised me that I should be awarded residency. I did no such thing and now I'm concerned what social services are thinking about me.

My parents are simmering about what my ex and her family have been doing and are wondering why I'm just sitting back and taking it as they're saying me not defending myself implies guilt. I'm trying to reassure them that simply denying the lies and fabrications and leaving it at that is the right thing to do; not rising to it and going on a crusade to prove my ex is a liar. They want me to contact CAFCASS and SS to put my point of view across. I've said doing that is making it about me and my ex and not about my son but now I'm starting to second guess myself.

She's thrown a lot of bullshit at me and now they're trying to twist SS and CAFCASS against me by calling them and saying they've advised me on stuff when they haven't.

I know I probably shouldn't but I'm wondering now whether I should maybe clarify a few things with the relevant authorities just to level things out.

What does anyone think?

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