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Rock and a hard place
#1
Hi guys,
First post on here. So bear with me it's a long story...
After months of trawling the internet looking for answers I've found very little advice or support for a guy in my situation.
My wife's been having an affair for the last year(or more) with her friends husband (also my friend by association).
I knew something was wrong(sixth sense I guess). It wasn't until I developed a medical problem in my leg last May which left me virtually paralysed from the knee down! That I realised my wife no longer cared for me at all.
It was as if a switch was turned and she showed me no sympathy, no caring, and no help. Her words were "at least you can still work" and at night when the pain was at it's worse, I didn't even get a hand on my back or a hug of support, just asked to go to the spare room if you can't sleep because you're keeping ME awake!
Sleepless nights give you time to think and overthink situations!
I'd convinced myself her friendship had crossed the line with this guy, confronted her, and she told me they are just good friends and he is supporting her through a tough time at work (they also worked together at this time).
In desperation I used find my iPhone to track why she was late back from work, and discovered their secret meeting on certain days of the week. She was using family and friends to collect the kids from school while she met with him!!
Confronted her again! Eventually She admitted they had been meeting, but because she had now changed jobs she was just missing his company! And he is her friend so what's the problems!
I asked her to cut off ties with him!
She denied she was doing wrong!
Then I found text messages from him and confronted her again!
This time she admits they have feelings for each other and she's confused about who she loves!
I say "I'll make it easy for you! I'm not in the running for your love"and asked her to leave.
She had nowhere to go, said she'd stop contact and get her head sorted.
I moved into the spare room soon after.
She didn't care about that it just gave her space away from me at night, and I soon seen on the iPad that she had been sexting and doing intimate facetimes, in my bed, while I'm downstairs and the kids are asleep in the next room!!!!
Fast forward to an awful xmas where she made no effort!! I bought all the kids presents, filled their stockings cooked Christmas dinner, entertained her family and our friends with a fake smile while she moped about her lost love!
Boxing Day evening whilst trying to play games with the kids as normal as possible, she's again on her iPad.
When she goes to bed I check and sure enough, she's messaged him while I was sorting out Boxing Day Dinner . It was about how perfect they are together. And discussing getting a matching tattoo to seal there love!!
I'm livid but keep control because it's Christmas, and don't want it ruined for the kids!!!
Fast forward to New Year's Eve, go to friends party. Don't no how I got through it, but again the kids were there so another fake smile evening, later made worse by the discovery that she had texted him earlier that evening before the midnight rush!!
Fast forward to now!!
I've actually gotten her to move out, she leaves in about 3 weeks to a rented house nearby. I even have to support her financially as even with the benifits she will struggle to afford it.
I've agreed 50/50 minimum custody ( I actually asked for full custody)but she wants to put full custody on forms to get full benifits!!
This doesn't sit well with me.
I've been a hands on Dad, have changed my working life to be available for the kids, I've always done school drop off in the mornings, I've picked up twice a week to take them to my parents then gone back to work to make up ours etc....i cook their evening meals whilst she goes to exercise classes. I stopped all my hobbies to be the full time hands on Dad, and still worked full time (self employed so can be flexible)
Now at my advice she's had counselling.( now she says she never loved me really, and her counsellor told her she just needed me) after I nursed her through a depression more than 10 years ago!!
We've been together 20 years!!!
I think the kids should stay with me in their family home for stability but can see her as much as possible.
This seems highly unlikely, but a friend has said he thinks she's BPD and not able to cope with kids on her own.
Yesterday discovered she is again in contact with him and couldn't wait to rekindle things now she has her own house!!!
I'm in contact with his wife and she says he's promised that he's not been in touch with her!!
Do I tell her they are communicating again!!
They are going through counselling to try to save their marriage at the moment!!
What's all your thoughts (apart from me being a sap and a mug) .
My kids mean the world to me, she has no right to take 50% of their time away from me!!
I can't Win because if I don't act amicable, that then affects the kids!
Rock and a hard place!!!
I've behaved impeccably during all this and kept the household running, and been dignified and almost protective of her reputation to save the kids any harm (we live in a small village community)
When what I really want to do is throw her on the scrap heap of life and do him some serious damage!!
But of course I won't!!
Like I said.... rock and a hard place...
Thanks for letting me vent
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#2
Firstly, I feel for you and do not consider you a sap, I was always the one that broke off relationships when they weren’t working but as soon as I became a Dad I stayed far too long in a toxic environment making excuses instead of leaving because I didn’t think I could cope without seeing my children. So please do not beat yourself up.

I’ll try and keep my response brief but IMO if she is moving out then try not to agree much yet, just say step one is you leave and we will take it step by step after that because of how the kids will be feeling. Then maybe start access with offering every other weekend and sometime in the week but with the children sleeping at your home while they adjust, especially if you have concerns for her mental welfare.

Do not let her claim the benefits by saying she has most or all of the access as this will cause chaos with rights over the children. Get the benefits paid to you the parent that has the majority share of the children’s access, and if you want to use some of that to financially help her to begin with that’s your choice, but remember you could just be paying for her to date other men if you give too much, and if she can’t afford private rent then she needs to move in with her parents, no one helps us Dads when we get kicked out.

Don’t let her guilt trip you or use the kids against you, lean on your friends and family if things get hard but show her no emotion and make no decisions immediately or when you’re feeling emotional.

As for telling the other guys wife, my advice would be to send an email or text that says something like “I have agonised over sending this or not, however I am fairly confident that (her name) & (his name) are still in contact. You do not want to meddle in their relationship and it is up to her how she deals with this information, but you could not stand by and understand it’s happening and say nothing at all as you would want her to tell you if the tables were reversed”.

Good luck
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#3
Hi Mdorset,

Sorry to hear you wife has had an affair and that has ended your relationship - its a tough situation. Before we start, all below is said with love... even the bits you don't want to hear.

Ultimately the affair doesn't matter... yes its a sad shock but focus on the now... you cant undo that but its good you know. Its probably better the other wife knows but maybe not you to tell her... she will find out soon enough... if you tell her, especially if kids are involved you wont come out looking good

Well done for getting your wife to move out ... that's a good move. She wants to start a new life with the new guy ... its sad but lets hope everything stays sunny for her eh? ;-) In 2 months time when the new boyfriend tells her hes not leaving his wife ... do not take her back!

At the moment, you have exactly same rights as your wife in regard to kids
What you think should happen and what will happen might be different (but your suggestion is sensible about kids staying at family house) so the normal process is to start with mediation and work towards a family agreement for access and maintenance etc - if that fails you go to court and get a court order for child arrangements and do CMS for child maintenance

All ex wives have BPD ;-) - so unless your kids are in danger - your opinion will mean very little - and (Sorry, you DON"T want to hear this) its not about her right (or yours) to take 50% of your kids time from you ... look at it like this.... you DON'T have rights ... you have responsibilities .... its about your kids rights to have positive relationships with their mum and dad no matter what the state of that adult relationship

From what i am seeing (and with all due respect - you wont understand this ...yet... but its amazing that you are doing it) your biggest strength is continuing to be amicable, dignified and putting your kids first in all your actions... hats off to you!!!!! as its totally the right thing to do and the hardest thing to do .... be proud and in some ways you need to do nothing else ... a small village will get to know what happened without your input

I wanted to respond so you knew someone was listening... you haven't really asked any questions and that's cool... its a start of a long journey ... when you do have specific questions - start a new post on the forum and the 'experts' will come in and help you

Keep strong
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