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Looks like the end is near...
#11
Hi,

To start with she is not in the driving seat and you need to believe that , that is were most men fail at this part and get screwed over.

I hate to say this to you but your relationship is over and you need to see that and the sooner the better , the longer you think mediation or some sort of counseling will help this you are wrong , when she is getting house valued she is 3 steps ahead of you , at the moment things will be amicable because you are letting them be and not challenging her on her actions , it is against the law to have same solicitor for dealing with matter of law between 2 people , go to solicitor now and get advised what to do , remember look for right solicitor that deals with family law and divorce , need to get plan in place for what you need to do next , ie selling home , home for your kids , work commitments , making sure debt is shared , start putting money aside if you can were it cant be traced.

As many here I have been in your shoes and it is a horrible feeling and it will get worse before it gets better , but been focused on what you need to achieve for you and your kids will make it easier when it comes to hard decisions .

Good Luck
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#12
Her cousin as your solicitor? No. No.No. A thousand times no!

Hope that’s clear Smile

Think about what you want to happen with the house and what contact with the children you would like going forward as this will help when it comes to mediation etc. Maybe you could even agree certain things between yourselves.
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#13
Thanks all.. We are still both in the house, and I think she just wanted the house valued so she can think about her finances (as she earns alot less than me).. and has in a strange way made me start thinking more about what I want and need. We have also had discussions about child contact and think if we can both stay fairly close to the school, then I am going to get to see them every 6 days out of 14 (and with her for other 8).. Which to me with work commitments and just ensuring the boys don't have to move house too often sounds fair.

I take what you are saying about using her cousin, but it would purely be for just getting a legal sign-off... If we need to fight over anything then yeah I would get my own solicitor straight away.. Like some people have said on these forums, if can keep it amicable then don't actually need a solicitor! Fingers crossed, as that money I can spend on taking the boys away on hols instead, which sounds much better!!
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#14
You should still get a solicitor to check any financial agreement you have reached.
A few hundred pounds spent on this could save you a fortune in the long run.

I would also petition for divorce as soon as possible on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
You can fill the form in yourself but will also need your marriage certificate.
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#15
Slowly coming to terms that it is over.. and go from hating her, to wanting her to hug me and say she's made a mistake... The thing getting on my tits more at the moment, is as news slowly leaks out that we have separated it is the look of pity on some people's faces, especially her mates at school pick-up!! Its a sort of "arhh, you couldn't keep your wife happy" look... Is beginning to get right on my wick as you can tell..
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#16
Don't worry what people think or look like (I know I know its impossible)... but you cant control it.
Focus on the things you can control like being happy with your kids and looking after yourself

Its not your job to keep another human happy
you both had a responsibility to keep the relationship happy... but you BOTH let that slip... not just you
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#17
Buffallo - staying in the same house for ANY period of time DOESNT work - I tried it - she got me arrested and thrown in the police cells overnight for an entirely trivial matter - it was found NFA and I was left to walk but for "my safety" I was advised not to go back to my own home - so I didnt.

This isnt about you or her, and I have come to realise that there are NO winners in this - only people who share one common interest and thats the one you BOTH have to be concerned with.

This is also NOT your fault - shit happens and people do fall out of love - in sometimes the most horrific of circumstances, she is as much (in some cases more) to blame than you are (And no, that doesnt mean I think your a saint)

When I came to terms it was over, it was a relief, I Had accepted something that was forced upon me, some days I wake up and think "what if" or "I should really stop this court case as it is not helping my kids/sanity" - I kept on going - there were some severly dark hours, but I got through them. You can too,
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#18
Ahhhh... I still f'ing love this woman and can't get over that fact at the moment. Even when discussing who's gonna have what and where each is gonna live, I'm thinking "Please just say you've made a mistake and we can go back to how it was".. But it will never be the same, she has cheated on me, lied and betrayed me... But I still love her and just want her to hug me?!

Jeez, this is tough....
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#19
(09-13-2017, 11:02 PM)Audiquattro Wrote: Hi,

To start with she is not in the driving seat and you need to believe that , that is were most men fail at this part and get screwed over.

I hate to say this to you but your relationship is over and you need to  see that and the sooner the better , the longer you think mediation or some sort of counseling will help this you are wrong , when she is getting house valued she is 3 steps ahead of you , at the moment things will be amicable because you are letting them be and not challenging her on her actions , it is against the law to have same solicitor for dealing with matter of law between 2 people , go to solicitor now and get advised what to do , remember look for right solicitor that deals with family law and divorce , need to get plan in place for what you need to do next , ie selling home , home for your kids , work commitments , making sure debt is shared , start putting money aside if you can were it cant be traced.

As many here I have been in your shoes and it is a horrible feeling and it will get worse before it gets better , but been focused on what you need to achieve for you and your kids will make it easier when it comes to hard decisions .

Good Luck

What he said - I know it is hard but you have to now see her as the 'enemy' 

Start disengaging financially from her - close current accounts... 
Start cutting back on your expenditure as you may have some big bills coming up.

When my wife indicated she wanted to sell the house, my solicitor said this was a good sign.  
He said a lot of women attempt to stay in the house and force the husband out.
You need to determine what housing you will need for yourself and your kids. 
This will determine what you should be getting from the house sale.

Avoid confrontation with her. 
Do not provide an excuse to get removed from the house.
Keep a diary of all conversations 

If you are having trouble sleeping  go to your GP.
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#20
(09-27-2017, 08:52 AM)Buffalo77 Wrote: Ahhhh... I still f'ing love this woman and can't get over that fact at the moment. Even when discussing who's gonna have what and where each is gonna live, I'm thinking "Please just say you've made a mistake and we can go back to how it was".. But it will never be the same, she has cheated on me, lied and betrayed me... But I still love her and just want her to hug me?!

Jeez, this is tough....

Buffalo77 - I really feel your pain.  Its a horrible stage.  Wanting everything to be a dream.

It does pass.  It was on this site that I found the advice I needed to start moving beyond the stage of everything being dictated by your partner.  Someone cut and pasted it from another site but I found it useful.  Its called the 180 - I think it's to do with avoiding a break up (that's too late for me) but am trying to live by this set of do's and don'ts and it's helping:

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your spouse.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, doesn't care if you do or don't.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they " are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with or with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic if they call / text/ or message you but if answer keep all response short and let them know your busy and need to go. makes them think what is he doing that's so important.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! without realizing it they may give you clues as to what they are really planning or doing.
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. this one is extremely important one for you.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." it also puts the power back in your hands if you follow all these suggestions.

It isn't easy - my instincts tell me "she's wrong and divorce will screw up the kids" - but I found that 5 months of telling her that got me nowhere.

Letting go of the feelings for 'her' and just focussing on your kids needs - and very importantly your own needs is the only way to move on.

Good luck fella - stay strong.
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