Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Newly separated, any advice appreciated
Hello everyone,

I've been separated for a week, with my ex telling me there is no chance of reconciliation (though I would reconcile on the proviso of relationship counseling)

She has moved out of the family home with my 6 year old boy into her brothers house, he has a self contained apartment.  Her lodgings are very comfortable.

She is pressuring me to move out as soon as possible, I am taking my time to work out my options and provide the best for my child.

We co-habit, which means she has fewer rights than she expects and we have a joint account which I have taken 50% of the funds from.

Her solution is for me to move out and keep paying half the mortgage.  Historically I have been the primary / only wage earner and I doubt if she could afford a mortgage in her own name as she has no records of profit for the last 8 years and is self employed. 

She could buy me out with the help of her family and I'm working out how much of the original house loan has been paid off etc.

I've done all the sensible things I can think of;
  • Seen a solicitor to have clarity over my rights and responsibilities
  • Informed my mortgage lender so no one can extend the loan without permission from the other
  • Applied for the records and deeds for the house so I can best understand the division of funds in the deposit and the rights of use of the house
  • Searched all over the internet for useful information
  • Kept all conversations civil and in a recorded medium, text, mail etc.
If you've made it down here thanks for reading, everything is very raw and I imagine it is for you all as well, I really would appreciate any advice or help you can suggest.


Christ alive well you have done better than me, I flipped my lid, walked out of the house and have never been back. The fact that you have done all these things already means you've gone a long long way towards making this easier and faire on yourself.

Next steps is probably to cool things off for a week or two, only speak to arrange 50/50 share of time with your child and then decide if you re going for marriage counselling (not necercerily to decide to get back together) and then if you're definitely going to split, to go to mediation.
Thanks Tamagoto for the reply, I confess I have no idea what I'm doing, my ex has now sent over her agreement to me, a quick glance tells me its poison to sign and I shall be passing it to legal advice for their review.

Thing is she can't afford the place on her own, or as I suspect with people chipping in, so she's trying to get me to pay for the house while moving out.

She's not going to like me suggesting we sell up.
Sounds like you have it in hand...good work. Whats she saying about your access to your boy???? Need to get that sorted...
(11-07-2017, 07:15 PM)scottb Wrote: Sounds like you have it in hand...good work. Whats  she saying about your access to your boy???? Need to get that sorted...

Hey Scott, thanks for the reply, at the moment we're playing nice, and I'm intending to keep it that way for as long as possible.

At the moment she's suggesting a minimum of 30 days per year, is this a lot or too little?  I have no idea.

In other news, I've got another legal advice session tomorrow where I will drill down into the options for selling the house (TOLATA purchase), which I would be doing not to disrupt anyone, but to ensure I can build a real home for my son and myself. 

As it stands, she would prefer me to stay in a rented room while she has the family house and my payments for the next 12 years.


You’ve every right to a 50/50 split and it’s better for the kids if they get that. If she’s got arms and legs there’s no reason she can’t work to pay her own way and you split the child care as well.

The most important thing is your child is happy and comfortable but that doesn’t mean you have to be any less of a parent than her or any less involved in everything to do with your child.
As long as you can commit the time to your children, i believe everyone should fight for 50/50 shared care. Its definitely what's best for all kids, and where both parents can be happy and build a future for themselves and the children on a seperate even keel. 

30 days a year? Is she having a laugh?!?! they're as much your kids as hers. Seems that a lot of women want to get divorced and break up a family, but refusing to accept that that means they will have to spend less time with their children. People easily lose sight of what is actually best, and it's what's best for them (which includes the kids just staying with them all the time). As mu wife put it, "i know what's best for my kids, and it's them living with me". And "i can't live without my kids for half of the time". All about her,  not the kids. Luckily the law is on our side these days. 

I'm in a similar boat and having to apply to court for a 50/50 split. As far as i know the court will award it unless it's some way detrimental to the kids. If you're both decent responsible parents then there's no reason they should agree that split is best.
30 way sir....get her to up way near enough time with your boy
I've got my kids 26 times a year, which works out to a night a fortnight. And it kills me.

Back of a beermat maths - that means you're going to have your son 300 times until he does his GCSEs.

How does that sound to you?
Thanks so much guys - I REALLY appreciate the feedback and you're right, I need to negotiate more time so I can spend more quality time with him.

This is also going to impact her assumptions on where I will be living, at the moment she is assuming I will leave the house and move away, to the point where she will have to drive to deliver my son to me, if I want an intimate relationship with him I will have to live MUCH nearer, and she won't appreciate that.

Like a lot of you, I would want to reconcile (with therapy and counselling) but all this is her choice, she is set on a final separation. She has to understand there will be losses for everyone.

Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  new member, advice appreciated. orings 6 2,154 03-05-2018, 10:49 AM
Last Post: orings
  Advice needed - recently separated gregski93 9 2,918 03-02-2018, 11:41 PM
Last Post: Hazy
  Newly separated, long time coming Dekker 4 1,987 12-28-2017, 02:26 PM
Last Post: mrbungle
  Newly Separated - Need Advice Please LeedsDad 1 1,196 12-07-2017, 07:26 AM
Last Post: scottb
  Newly Separated Dad AKentishMan 21 8,968 11-06-2017, 08:50 AM
Last Post: itneverends
  Not so newly separated but feel like I'm being taken for a ride! Davehart 2 1,653 09-26-2017, 08:37 PM
Last Post: Drew65
  Newly Separated seanmkl 5 2,991 09-26-2017, 06:51 PM
Last Post: Hazy
  Newly separated and could do with advice... TTwilight 6 2,890 08-25-2017, 10:16 AM
Last Post: TTwilight
  Decided to go to court for acces's -Help and advice would be appreciated sad_Dad_1 7 4,262 06-22-2017, 09:48 PM
Last Post: sad_Dad_1
  Newly Separated Dad GK55 5 4,385 01-15-2017, 08:00 PM
Last Post: GK55

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)