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Widowed Parents, Sons and daughter
#1
Hello all,

I am a single 35 year old dad of an 11 year old boy after his mum passed away from cancer when he was just 5. a short while after I was introduced to a women who had also lost her husband from cancer around the same time. She also had a son of 4 (now 10). We had a huge connection and got together very quickly and within 6 months she fell pregnant with our daughter. We have had a very rocky relationship with our two bereaved children and for about the 20th time decided to split. (We had usually got back together again after a few days or weeks)

The relationship was difficult as she was very controlling and dramatic, never really bonded with my son and I found it very hard to bond with hers. We both adored our daughter (now 4). Me and my son coped reasonably well after the bereavement but my ex-partner and her son always struggled a lot more. Five and a half years later we had not moved in together due to these reasons and not being able to afford to house all of us. I was constantly being threatened with her finding someone new who could give her what she wanted. Judging by her past she has always jumped between relationships but we always kept trying for us and the children.

Within 2 weeks of us splitting for the final time she had met someone new and hid it from me until 4 weeks later a 'friend' decided to post pictures and the whole story on facebook celebrating their one month together and how they are going away for the weekend and staying in a hotel together leaving the children with family members. Although judging by her past I should have seen this coming I am extremely concerned what affect this is having on the kids. Our daughter was introduced to her new partner within the first two weeks of the relationship but doesn't talk about him at all. My son has now lost his mum, step-mum and step brother and her son has lost his father, step father and step brother. Our daughter is just lost and confused and I understand they are now thinking about moving in together after just 6 weeks. I have spent this time feeling low but doing anything and everything I can for mys kids... Visit to Santa, day out in London, Ice skating, Family movie / game nights, Putting up Christmas lights and decorating the tree together while my ex has been shipping the kids off to sitters for nights out with him.

I feel she is looking after her own selfish needs, in a rebound relationship and the kids are being pushed out, Our daughter was recently poorly overnight and got sent into school the next day anyway and she tells me she had to stay in her brothers room whenever the new man stays over as they only have a two bedroom flat. Me and my daughter have an incredible relationship and love each other so much and of course her brother (my son) loves his sister and would like to see her as much as possible. She also has her own bedroom here.

I wanted to share my unusual story and ask for advice. I would love my daughter to live with me permanently with regular access to her mum and strongly believe she would be better off with me as both mum and her son struggle with the bereavement, depression and anger issues, struggles financially as well as all this confusion caused by the new partner.

I have raised my concerns with the mum only to be ignored but she does remain in contact regarding our daughter and continues to allow me three days a week with my daughter by mutual agreement. 

Thanks for listening!
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#2
Hi ... this is a tough story to read so respect for sharing and empathy for you ... i can share 'my opinion' but its only that.

1. you have superb access to your daughter ... more than most at 3 nights a week... it highly unlikely that a court would give you full residency without the mothers agreement or a solid reason but its possible... tread carefully... it opens a can of worms... you will need careful negotiations

2. Every time you use the words ' i feel the mother is xyz' ... sorry ... its exactly that... your feelings. of course things happen, you see it (use of baby sitters ... she should ask you first if you are free BUT she doesn't have to ), you don't agree with everything but unless your kid is in danger by the mothers actions ... you don't have a strong case... new partner ... you can undertake 'sarah's law' application to check his history put you not liking him or her motivation to start relationship is irrelevant

3. you do have one thing going for you and MarkR (moderator) should comment here as he knows the rules... something like.... kids of different gender cannot share a room for sleeping after the age of 10... you suggest this is happening / would happen if he moved in.

4. Talk to her .. you have a very 'modern' family and shame if the 2 boys lose out contact with the other co-parent and each other
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#3
(12-11-2017, 09:29 AM)LTCDAD Wrote: Hi ... this is a tough story to read so respect for sharing and empathy for you ... i can share 'my opinion' but its only that.

1. you have superb access to your daughter ... more than most at 3 nights a week... it highly unlikely that a court would give you full residency without the mothers agreement or a solid reason but its possible... tread carefully... it opens a can of worms... you will need careful negotiations

2. Every time you use the words ' i feel the mother is xyz' ... sorry ... its exactly that... your feelings. of course things happen, you see it (use of baby sitters ... she should ask you first if you are free BUT she doesn't have to ), you don't agree with everything but unless your kid is in danger by the mothers actions ... you don't have a strong case... new partner ... you can undertake 'sarah's law'  application to check his history put you not liking him or her motivation to start relationship is irrelevant

3. you do have one thing going for you and MarkR (moderator) should comment here as he knows the rules... something like.... kids of different gender cannot share a room for sleeping after the age of 10... you suggest this is happening / would happen if he moved in.

4. Talk to her .. you have a very 'modern' family and shame if the 2 boys lose out contact with the other co-parent and each other

1 & 2) Thank you for your honest response. Two weeks after finding out about this new relationship I have found it very difficult to face I have lost a second love and a new man in my daughter's life but after speaking with many of the good people around me often (and thanks to your response) I have decided to not pursue any legal action at this time. As long as I am receiving a fair amount of time with my daughter - it could never be enough for me and my son - and unless the circumstances change. I do not feel my daughter is in danger with her but worry about the people she allows to care for her, this can range from family to neighbours, teenagers to the new man. I will consider undertaking Sarah's Law.

3) I believe the rule you speak of usually is when council housing is provided, mixed sex children will not be expected to share a bedroom when one of them reaches the age of 10 but as far as I know there is there is no actual law to prevent this. I would also choose this option over than the two adults sharing a bedroom with my daughter.

4) As much as I would like to agree with your opinion here, and we will hopefully always communicate regarding our daughter, I cannot see us or the two boys remaining in contact often as the hardships the boys had already had to face through bereavement and the hurtful way the new relationship was announced so soon concluding our life as a stitched together family would further effect the boys negatively and provide false hope at another shot of a complete family. Maybe in the future, we will feel different.

Both my son and daughter are already showing emotional effects after recent events. My son shows a lot of dislike for her but not for her son and my daughter has pleaded me to be together with mummy / gotten extremely clingy and affectionate with me.
I have spent more time planning making memories for the kids and telling the kids we both love them and that none of this was their fault. Trying to keep a normal and routine life at least on my part. Feels like i'm doing the right thing at the moment as hard as this has been on all of us.
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#4
Update on the last few weeks.

Now 2 months into their new relationship me and the ex have had minimal contact except for arranging drop offs and pick ups of our daughter.

We have had a couple of major confrontations. The most recent because she was moving our daughter into her brothers room to sleep every night so the new man can stay over in her 2 bed flat. Both children were struggling and looked exhausted. We tried this many times ourselves and it always ended in tears. My daughter complained about this to me so I confronted the ex. She screamed and shouted very childishly about how she can have her boyfriend stay whenever she likes, while I tried to stay calm but ended up hanging up until she spoke like an adult. I then recieved a voice message from a very sarcastic voice telling me they are moving in together with the kids into a bigger place after just weeks of meeting so I won't need to worry anymore. The next day at drop off she told me she had moved our daughters bed back into her own shared room with mum (not sure if that is worse)

She has asked me to meet him on a couple of occasions but I am not interested after such a short amount of time and i am still trying to get over this myself. The hardest part is of course that he is living with my daughter and possibly sharing a bedroom with the ex and my daughter and expect to move in together very soon.

Ex is trying to make my life difficult for me to move on by posting many pictures of him cuddling the kids including the profile pic on WhatsApp of her and him (how we speak regarding our daughter). In the past she would never post anything about me or our daughter as she was embarrassed over moving on from her husband so fast so I can only assume this is to get to me. I have chosen to ignore all of these and only discuss our daughter.

My son is struggling emotionally with the change and showing signs of anxiety. My daughter loves spending time with me and my son and come straight to us but she gets upset, runs away from mum or wont let go of me whenever mum comes to collect.

All these things concerned me as she loves her mum but I have enquired about Sarah's law but no action will be taken unless there is a genuine concern but I am worried about this new man being left with and living with my daughter in such close quarters.

Daughters reactions may just be as I am spending all my time and energy focusing on the kids while the mum is split between the new relationship and the kids (booking more weekends away without them and often handing them over to sitters).

Any advice regarding any of my points above is appreciated. The relationship. The effect it's having on all 3 kids. Sarah's law. The photos and change of opinion on posting them.

Thanks
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#5
If you have real concerns about your daughter then you should contact social services. Your daughter doesn’t sound like she is happy right now and that alone should be of concern. Perhaps she feels pushed out /neglected by the new man in her mums life. It could just be that too much has happened in a short pace of time and she is struggling a little.

It is a little concerning that she is being babysat so much especially if she could be with you.

If you don’t wish to go to SS right now why don’t you maybe suggest that your daughter temporarily lives with you while they find somewhere suitable for all of them to live?

Going to SS may well get you enormous grief from the ex and possibly denial of contact and you will need to be prepared to go straight to court for access if this happens.

There is not a lot you can do about he new man unless the sarah’s Law shows something. An ex getting a new partner is one of the hardest parts of the whole scenario to deal with but one has to expect a new partner to come along at some point for an ex. Rwlationahips made in haste often do not last.
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#6
Hi Hazy, thanks for the response.

Unfortunately the police will not action a Sarah's law request without his d.o.b and a genuine concern. Which I think is very wrong. The whole point of this law was to safeguard children before there is a genuine concern. I don't know how I could get a d.o.b as they were so secretive about his actual name.and seems very well hidden online.

I am not ready to go to SS yet as I am not sure if my daughter just misses or wants to be with me or is maybe even aware that her mum caused this situation and feels safer in her normal routine with me.

I understand relationships in haste rarely work but I know she will try her hardest to make it work so she is not left with 2 kids, 2 dad's and another failed relationship. She is not a strong person on her own and needs a father figure for her son more than anything.
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#7
(01-05-2018, 01:11 AM)Daddywidow Wrote: Hi Hazy, thanks for the response.

Unfortunately the police will not action a Sarah's law request without his d.o.b and a genuine concern. Which I think is very wrong. The whole point of this law was to safeguard children before there is a genuine concern.  I don't know how I could get a d.o.b as they were so secretive about his actual name.and seems very well hidden online.

I am not ready to go to SS yet as I am not sure if my daughter just misses or wants to be with me or is maybe even aware that her mum caused this situation and feels safer in her normal routine with me.

I understand relationships in haste rarely work but I know she will try her hardest to make it work so she is not left with 2 kids, 2 dad's and another failed relationship. She is not a strong person on her own and needs a father figure for her son more than anything.

I managed to get a Sarah's Law Request done without a DOB. I just provided a name and his mobile phone number.
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#8
(01-05-2018, 09:09 AM)watsa64 Wrote:
(01-05-2018, 01:11 AM)Daddywidow Wrote: Hi Hazy, thanks for the response.

Unfortunately the police will not action a Sarah's law request without his d.o.b and a genuine concern. Which I think is very wrong. The whole point of this law was to safeguard children before there is a genuine concern.  I don't know how I could get a d.o.b as they were so secretive about his actual name.and seems very well hidden online.

I am not ready to go to SS yet as I am not sure if my daughter just misses or wants to be with me or is maybe even aware that her mum caused this situation and feels safer in her normal routine with me.

I understand relationships in haste rarely work but I know she will try her hardest to make it work so she is not left with 2 kids, 2 dad's and another failed relationship. She is not a strong person on her own and needs a father figure for her son more than anything.

I managed to get a Sarah's Law Request done without a DOB. I just provided a name and his mobile phone number.


Thanks but I have tried on a few occasions now and they had to do a lot of research as no-one was sure how to handle this application, eventually told me that I need a genuine concern and dob otherwise no action can be taken. My daughter was looking forward to seeing mummy today but had a major meltdown and clung to me so much that after 5-10 I couldn't get away without putting her on the floor and leaving quickly. Still don't understand this behaviour as when she comes to me it is not an issue but sure there is no serious cause for concern as she speaks freely about mummy and sometimes the new partner.
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#9
[quote pid='18846' dateline='1515143393']
My daughter was looking forward to seeing mummy today but had a major meltdown and clung to me so much that after 5-10 I couldn't get away without putting her on the floor and leaving quickly. Still don't understand this behaviour as when she comes to me it is not an issue but sure there is no serious cause for concern as she speaks freely about mummy and sometimes the new partner.
[/quote]

Your daughter is 4?
It is normal... they always cling onto the person they have spent the last few hours or days with ... its tough for them constant changing but it will get into a routine once they get used to it. 
Handover day is always the difficult day ... you can help by encouraging her and reassuring her
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#10
I appreciate her age and she doesn't want to leave me after we have usually had a fun day together but she does not do it when she comes to me. Comes straight in happy and loving. She actually looked scared to go in yesterday and of course her mother hates it. Her mum even said "its not like im going to hurt you" All I do is encourage her to go in and tell her mummy and daddy miss her / loves her so just wanted others advice to see if this is typical or maybe concerned? I would expect she realises her routine at daddy's has remained the same and feels more stable with me
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