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New user, help needed
#11
(01-22-2018, 04:10 PM)darren1587 Wrote: Thanks for your reply mate much appreciated ! I have read on here a lot of ex partners reject the offer of mediation so if that fails then it's court then am i right ? I have a lawyers appointment booked for tomorrow morning and is a free consultation just to find out what i can do in the short term. She has messaged today to say i can have him on friday so i'm assuming she is going down the lines of i can have the minimum 1 night a week but she is not technically stopping me seeing him. 

I do have parental responsibility 100%, her reasons for reducing it is she says she wants him in more of a routine and some stability  (that was when changing it from 3 nights a week to 2 nights ) i even suggested to her one week i have 2 nights during the week and 1 at the weekend and then the following week to have him no nights during the week and then friday night back sunday dinner time ( this is due to me being a later shift and finishing at 6.30 that week ) 

is she allowed to change the nursery without discussing it with me ? she keeps repeating how she is his primary guardian and she is with him more and has him more than i do as i only have him 2 nights

Apologies again i am just so new to all of this and feel like i don't have a clue !

If she refuses mediation... judge will ask he why and it will work in your favor that she would not go as she is not trying to find solution 
1 night a week when a court would award you MINIMUM of every other weekend (2 or 3 nights) and 1 or 2 nights in the week IS STOPPING YOU SEEING HIM!!!
1 is less than 5!
The only routine that kid needs is quality time with both parents and its not for her decide what that is - it is FOR BOTH OF YOU to decide what that is and if you can't do that a court will do it for you (in your favor vs what you have now!)
There are a million schedules that you can use to support the situation for both of you (2 on 2 off 3 on...  week on week off... 4 on, 3 off, 3 on, 4 off... ) the reason you are having him Friday night is that she is going out with her mates on the wine ... YOU ARE NOT A BABY SITTER... YOU ARE A FATHER! don't let her confuse the 2

Without a court order or child arrangement order she is NOT the primary guardian... she is with him more as she controls and blocks your access.
Any decision about nursery should be discussed between all people with parental responsibility also any medical decisions

PS good news and bad news
Bad news is - you've got one in your ex... hard luck
Good news... almost everyone on this site has one of those ex's... they are predictable and make mistakes, the law is on your side and loads of people on here can tell you how to deal with each issue and help you put an action plan in place
You may end up in court but it will be OK
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#12
(01-23-2018, 08:57 AM)LTCDAD Wrote:
(01-22-2018, 04:10 PM)darren1587 Wrote: Thanks for your reply mate much appreciated ! I have read on here a lot of ex partners reject the offer of mediation so if that fails then it's court then am i right ? I have a lawyers appointment booked for tomorrow morning and is a free consultation just to find out what i can do in the short term. She has messaged today to say i can have him on friday so i'm assuming she is going down the lines of i can have the minimum 1 night a week but she is not technically stopping me seeing him. 

I do have parental responsibility 100%, her reasons for reducing it is she says she wants him in more of a routine and some stability  (that was when changing it from 3 nights a week to 2 nights ) i even suggested to her one week i have 2 nights during the week and 1 at the weekend and then the following week to have him no nights during the week and then friday night back sunday dinner time ( this is due to me being a later shift and finishing at 6.30 that week ) 

is she allowed to change the nursery without discussing it with me ? she keeps repeating how she is his primary guardian and she is with him more and has him more than i do as i only have him 2 nights

Apologies again i am just so new to all of this and feel like i don't have a clue !

If she refuses mediation... judge will ask he why and it will work in your favor that she would not go as she is not trying to find solution 
1 night a week when a court would award you MINIMUM of every other weekend (2 or 3 nights) and 1 or 2 nights in the week IS STOPPING YOU SEEING HIM!!!
1 is less than 5!
The only routine that kid needs is quality time with both parents and its not for her decide what that is - it is FOR BOTH OF YOU to decide what that is and if you can't do that a court will do it for you (in your favor vs what you have now!)
There are a million schedules that you can use to support the situation for both of you (2 on 2 off 3 on...  week on week off... 4 on, 3 off, 3 on, 4 off... ) the reason you are having him Friday night is that she is going out with her mates on the wine ... YOU ARE NOT A BABY SITTER... YOU ARE A FATHER! don't let her confuse the 2

Without a court order or child arrangement order she is NOT the primary guardian... she is with him more as she controls and blocks your access.
Any decision about nursery should be discussed between all people with parental responsibility also any medical decisions

PS good news and bad news
Bad news is - you've got one in your ex... hard luck
Good news... almost everyone on this site has one of those ex's... they are predictable and make mistakes, the law is on your side and loads of people on here can tell you how to deal with each issue and help you put an action plan in place
You may end up in court but it will be OK
 Just thought I would update you and then see what you think as this is really starting to worry me. I went to see my lawyer on Tuesday and she recommended I start by sending her a 'nice' message showing that I wanted to try and resolve this amicably and could we get something put down in writing. My ex said that I could have him that night so I wanted to wait until I had seen him first before sending it of course as I expected a backlash. 
My ex said that she would drip him off at my house at 7.30pm, my new partner picked me up from work at 6.30 and I was home for 6.45 however my ex was in the car park waiting on me and saw my new partner drop me off. I went into my flat and my ex called me to say that she saw my new gf drop me off and she doesn't trust me and believes that I would have taken her into my flat and let her see my son which she is furious about... that was not going to happen at all ! 
Anyway I told my ex that I had been to see a lawyer ( she actually recommended that I do this the other day as she had been to see one ) and her reply was 'oh I haven't received anything in writing from them', she was insisting that she was going to come back and take my son away from me now I know there was no chance of that happening. 
She then text me to say that she doesn't trust me at all that she is 'on to me' and she knows I have my new partner up at my house when I should be spending quality time with my son, I couldn't spend quality time with him due to being on the phone and listening to her texts. I then sent her the 'nice message' that my lawyer insisted on to which I got no reply. 
She came and collected him today and when I put my son in the car her lawyer was on the phone and she had it on loudspeaker lol, I asked her what was the plan for Friday as this was the next night I was supposed to get him and she also text me on Monday just passed there to confirm that. she said she didn't know, I asked what that meant and her reply was simply '' I said I will see you in court''
I have now emailed my lawyer and asked her to start the case as she wanted me to wait and see what her reply was first incase it could be sorted amicably and just a minuted agreement typed up but it doesn't;t sound like that is going to work so a firmer letter needing to be sent. 
I think I will cave at court if it goes that far, what are you thoughts on that mate ?
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#13
Read your own post mate. You sound every bit as good a parent as she might be if not better.
Why do you even allow her to dictate "contact" terms. In fact I despise the term contact.

Put your foot down and demand 50:50 as this is your child's right to have you both. She is harming your child, by using him as a weapon against you.

Neither of you have any rights to the child, but responsibility to him. If the courts are really not biased, this is their chance to prove so. Go and demand 50/50 shared care for your son.

This is what I have learnt and would like to share a few I wish I had done earlier.

Come to forums like this, there is a lot of good advice and lots of people with experience.

If you can afford a solicitor long term, great. Otherwise learn about the court and cafcass process. It takes time but could save you thousands by skipping the solicitor altogether. I would still recommend hiring a barrister directly for the court hearing day. Without a solicitor you will need to do all the paper work and correspondence yourself, with advice from this forum or a even a McKenzie friend.

Try to understand the way the courts and judges think. Read some relevant case laws if you can be bothered to.

You have to persuade the judge your child care plan is workable and in the best interest of the child, full stop.
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#14
Did yshe threaten to take your kid off you that night because your new GF dropped you off outside your house?
That is horrendous behavior by your ex
You having anyone in your house is non of her business and she is ridiculous to suggest otherwise

Here is a tip... please follow it.
When you have your kid, stick the phone in the biscuit tin and play with him... end of
Unless there is an emergency do not look at it or answer it... the world will keep on spinning

I am afraid you will end up in court if she treats you like this so don't delay

You will not cave in at court ... and if it gets there, we will coach you.
it is terrifying and it is scary but telling the truth and being rational is a hell of a lot easier than being a crank

Top advice above^^^
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#15
Here is a tip... please follow it.
When you have your kid, stick the phone in the biscuit tin and play with him... end of
Unless there is an emergency do not look at it or answer it... the world will keep on spinning

I am afraid you will end up in court if she treats you like this so don't delay

You will not cave in at court ... and if it gets there, we will coach you.
it is terrifying and it is scary but telling the truth and being rational is a hell of a lot easier than being a crank







Ive never heard it put so well. Hats off. Took me a long long time to stop worrying about what she might or might not do and actually just get on with raising child. Still do to be honest but no where near as bad now.
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#16
Thank you all for your help it's greatly appreciated ! 

As for the other night yes she said that she was coming back to get our son as she believed that my new partner was in the house with me and she was not having that, of course i told her that she would't get anywhere near my house so she would be wasting her time. The angle she is taking with her lawyer is that she has 'concerns' as i am introducing my son to 'girls' plural. 

I am going to block her number if you think that would be more appropriate as i do not want any form of contact from her anymore if the lawyers are now dealing with it. 

You guys able to coach me would be fantastic and would mean the world as i'm not someone who deals with confrontation well or can handle the pressure that court would no doubt bring. What i wanted to do today was be completely honest and tell you what she is going to try and use against me in her case and find out what you think. 

1) My best friend smokes weed, not every day maybe once a month, one night about a year ago he smoked weed outside my flat before he came into my home ( he is my sons Godson and adores him and would never smoke in front of him, he has a daughter himself and again would never do that. He came up to see my son that night but my son was in bed in another room, my ex came in the next day and said the living room smelt of weed and that is what she is saying to her lawyer that i have drugs around my son, that is the only time that has happened. 

2)  A year ago my ex sent me a picture of my son when he left my house ( in perfect condition ) albeit a few bruises as he was learning to crawl then and had the odd bump etc from that, she sent me a picture of a bruise on his arm and accused me of 'BITING' him ! yes biting him, as she said it looked like a bite mark. Now the thought of that is unthinkable and so hurtful but i know she will use that against me to try and damage my character. 

3 ) Introducing him to other girls. When we split up over a year ago i had a female friend who has been a friend for years up to my house as she knew i had a child but had not met him yet. She came up for a few hours and got on great with him, he was only coming up for 1 then. Admittedly me and the girl have always been flirtatious in some form and we were flirting that night, and my ex had came up to my house and listened through the letterbox and heard our conversation, this is why she is now going ahead with i have been introducing him to other girls. That girl i have not seen since, although we have spoke over the phone etc but in no way any romantic involvement etc. 

So this is the case she will build against me. 

My case against her is :

1) Her mental capability, she is a very erratic, aggressive person especially with alcohol in her. I know a lot of woman can be however my ex has punched me before on holiday when drunk. She hsa changed from me having him 3 days to 2 days to now nothing as going to court, she changes her mind on things involving my son all the time. 

2) 6 months ago i got a call from her 1 night when she had my son and she sounded drunk on the phone, i told her i was coming over to her home to see my son was ok and she said i wouldnt and hung up. as i don't drive i asked my mother to take me over there at once but i went to her flat on my own and mother stayed outside. i chapped the door to no answer, i shouted through the letter box just to let meknow my son was ok, again no answer. i looked through the letter box and could see she was lyin on the bed but wouldn';t move which worried me. i shouted through the letter box i would phone the police if she did no respond. i went down to epxlain to my parents and they proceeded to come up and shout through the letter box to let us know my son was fine, but when we had been away she had gotten up and clsoed her bedroom door. I called the police and they came tried the same as i had but not response so they had to force their way into the property. when i got into the room my son was sleeping so he was fine but my ex was drunk and glazey eyed, i took my son into the living room and the piolice had to ask my ex to get up out the bed 3 times before she did. she ended up shouting at the police saying they had no right to take her son etc and of course called me all the names under the sun, this was around 9 at night so the poilice were on the phone to social services so said they wanted my son to go with me that night.  the next day i got messages from her saying she was going to a laweyer thati had blown it all out of proprotion, i had no right to come 'teamhanded; with my family etc and that;s the only reason she didn;t answer the door that night as she knew they were there. Social services had to interview both me and my family and my ex and her family and that's when she brought the drugs story up. We had to go back to the social services around a week later but we had sort of made up slightly and had spoke about getting back togethre ( i was mad i know but i wanted to see my son everyday ) and social services said they didn't think there was a real concern here that they think she made a mistake and my son was not in danger etc. 

Now only 2 weeks ago i had my son on my agreed night which was the saturday, my ex tect me on the sunday asking if i could keep him that night as well as she was hungover so her drinking does worry me, she has drank in his company before when i have been there and even got drunk when she was pregnant one night when in front of my family. 

Sorry for the extra long message but wanted to know your thoughts as the stuff she has 'against' me i worry about
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#17
First of all, unless youre going for full custody, scrap the case against her completely. Otherwise there is little point, they arent going to remove a child from their mother because of what you mention above and attacking her wont prove youre a good responsible father.

As far as her "case against you"
Point 1. Ill leave to someone else, Ive no clue on that one.
Point 2. Get the birth certificate and ID to the doctors and get a copy of your childs medical record. Thats going to be her only real proof of "biting" and will let you know of any other issues that you need to be aware of.
Point 3. Is a complete non starter, what happened when you were together has no bearing at all. Not a good idea buddy!!!! but nothing to do with your childs safety and wellbeing.

This is only my opinion and a solicitor would be best to advise.
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#18
Hey darren1587

Your responsibility as a father is to introduce your son to 'girls' - as one day he's going to marry one ...what is your ex on?
Just to balance it out... please introduce him to ducks (bread helps here) and dogs (bones help here ... or he will be scared of them for the rest of his life... girls, ducks and dogs)

Do not block her number as it will work against you - you need to show you are open to co parenting ... however you don't need to answer it when it rings

1) ask your friend not to smoke in or near your house... you are fighting for your kid and he has to support you
2) she will need medical report confirming it is a human bite ... no need to respond to crap like that, file it as evidence she is vindictive and move on with your day
3) nothing to do with your ex who you introduce your kid to
3a) someone uninvited listening at your letter box is trespass... call the police and take out a non-molestation order out for harassment ... you are entitled to a private life

Your case against her:
1) unless you are qualified mental health professional with authority to diagnose her with a condition - you are wasting your time - and even then would not be taken into account as you a not objective
2) correct she made a mistake ... if she makes another one do the same action ... call the police
3) she gets drunk... shame on her ... offer to look after the kid when she goes out to help her with the inevitable hangover... keep a record of when you do this
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#19
(01-25-2018, 03:35 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Hey darren1587

Your responsibility as a father is to introduce your son to 'girls' - as one day he's going to marry one ...what is your ex on?
Just to balance it out... please introduce him to ducks (bread helps here) and dogs (bones help here ... or he will be scared of them for the rest of his life... girls, ducks and dogs)

Do not block her number as it will work against you - you need to show you are open to co parenting ... however you don't need to answer it when it rings

1) ask your friend not to smoke in or near your house... you are fighting for your kid and he has to support you
2) she will need  medical report confirming it is a human bite ... no need to respond to crap like that, file it as evidence she is vindictive and move on with your day
3) nothing to do with your ex who you introduce your kid to
3a) someone uninvited listening at your letter box is trespass... call the police and take out a non-molestation order out for harassment ... you are entitled to a private life

Your case against her:
1) unless you are qualified mental health professional with authority to diagnose her with a condition - you are wasting your time - and even then would not be taken into account as you a not objective
2) correct she made a mistake ... if she makes another one do the same action ... call the police
3) she gets drunk... shame on her ... offer to look after the kid when she goes out to help her with the inevitable hangover... keep a record of when you do this

lol thanks mate
i have paid my lawyer today to start proceedings now, my day is supposed to be tomorrow but my ex has not replied to my message asking if i am getting him then. My lawyer is now going to send a minuted agreement out on Monday if she does not give me my son tomorrow and then take it from there. The sad thing is if it does go all the way and go to court it may be a few weeks before i get to see him if she refuses me access to him on our agreed days 
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#20
Sorry to have to say this, but it may not be a few weeks - it may be a few months before you see him when you take the court route.

I didnt see my kid from the October through to the September, all I had was Facetime (which is an arse if you have a 3 year old with the attention span of a gnat!)
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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