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The pain
#1
How do you all manage to get over the pain of the one you wanted to spend your life with going off with someone else. I still live with my ex and it’s horrible as I still love her despite what’s happened yet she goes out till 1am whilst I say in with our baby.
She’s told me she doesn’t want me anymore and even said she’s a better mum to our child without me.
I have no idea what I’m going to do after we sell the house. She’s going back to her mums with our baby. I can’t afford to rent or buy anywhere, I’ll get money from the house but renting is more expensive than owing a house. With all the bills of a house or renting and with the added costs of csa and nursery for the days I have her it’s ridiculous.
So long and short I’m crying my eyes out every night not knowing when I’m going to see my child when we sell the house, the prospect of being homeless and having no car as well.
I told her everything can be repaired if you stop being so negative and we can still move forward together as a family but she doesn’t want to. I’m so heart broken and it’s horrible.
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#2
Sadly, it's very, very likely that your relationship is over. By the time one partner makes the decision to leave, they have already written off the relationship. I was the "leaver" in my marriage, and for me it was over about a year before I actually told my ex-.

It feels like the end of the world right now, but this will pass. You need to get your head together as soon as possible and start focussing on what your child needs, and how you are going to secure the practical aspects of your future. She will have been planning this for a while, so you need to catch up.

If you can manage it, see a counsellor asap to get yourself back on track emotionally. Once you've got that straighter, you can start making a plan. Do your best not to let your ex bully you into agreeing anything before you have your head straight.
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#3
She said she gave up ages ago which hurt but knowing she gave up ages ago because someone else was giving her interest hurts even more. Our baby wasn’t even 1 and she gave up on us.

She’s been bullying me for ages telling me what she’s going to do. She’s got a cousin who’s a family lawyer who’s been telling her what to do and I don’t have a clue what’s happening.
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#4
How do you cope full stop. Your whole life has been blown up in the air, and you have all the practical and financial worries as well as the emotional pain. It is a massive whammy. And you take one day at a time. And you get help. Practical help, emotional and psychological help. See a counsellor - your GP can refer you. It's a support and something to hang on to each week that there is somewhere to go to let it out. Hard as it is ask friends and family for help and support. You get surprising reactions. Some people don't want to know, others come out with amazing offers. Stay with someone for a while till you get back on your feet more. You can't think straight about all the problems of housing right now. Be kind to yourself (don't beat yourself up or blame yourself). And be aware of the stages you will go through. When you have been through these stages you will be ok. It's a normal process after any loss or trauma.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stage...and-grief/

Writing things down can help - and if it's late at night, call the Samaritans - they have magic words. But every day say to yourself - this will get better - even if you don't feel it or believe it right now, say it out loud to yourself every day - because that is basically reprogramming you to believe it! There is always a future and it is full of uncertain things - good and bad. And in two years time you could be looking back and thinking - if this hadn't happened I wouldn't be having this great life now. There are unknown surprises around every corner - good and bad - and sometimes the good ones can be more than you ever imagined. You just have to have faith that something amazing will happen in the future and you don't know what it will be.

Also hang on to the fact that you have a child and however hard it is to see her now, you will get to see her grow up - they are part of you, and will one day be an adult and always be your daughter/son.
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#5
I know this is going to sound harsh but my best friend told me this when I lost my family, [I finished it, but trust me she ended it long before and was hanging around with her ex from many years ago]

Man up!!!!!!!

What you do now will decide the next few years and possibly the rest of you and your childs life.
Accept that although your heart is broken hers is not, she has no respect for you and is only looking out for herself and her child now. She is not hurt, she is not sad, she doesnt feel sympathy for you. So dont expect it.
There is another post here called 180 approach, read it 20 times. Its your manual.

Youve got A LOT of work to do so get started. You need to earn money so dont fuck up your job. Find a way to earn more money, any way you can.
Start recording, noting, diarising everything. It could get messy at anytime in the future, even years and youll regret not having evidence.
Living in the same house while she is doing that is torture of the worst kind. Sleeping with another man while living the family home with you and your child means there is never, EVER any turning back and she is most likely out to hurt you. I feel for you its horrific but dont react to anything.
Do you have family? can sofa surf for a while to save money?
Youre about to find out, not who your friends are, but if you actually have any. Dont be surprised, youve only got yourself to rely on. I didnt prepare before I left and I had to sit in the local supermarket cafe with my 1 year old daughter because not one of my friends were there for me.
Stop crying. Once youve got yourself sorted practically, then its time to grieve, cry, mourn. Im so sorry this is harsh but have your pitty party later. Youve got far more important things to do now.
Like Marwood said, youve got some catching up to do.

Im sorry, I mean this with only love, and based on my own experience. We are here for you.
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#6
Starting over alone can be very daunting but it is not impossible. Start small and work up to better things in time.

Can you save some money now to add to any amount you get from the sale of the house? You could use this to fund 6 months to a year of rent on a 1 or two bed place perhaps. If you could pay 1 year upfront you’d have a year with a roof over your head while you recover.

If you can’t afford a flat then although people don’t like it a room in a shared house is an option if there are no family and friends to help out for a while. Just view it as a stepping stone, something temporary. Utility bills are often included in the rent for this type of accommodation.

Get your name down with the council / housing associations now but be warned that their options are limited as there are so many waiting for housing.

why not ask these people for advice? http://www.dadshouse.org.uk

If you can’t afford nursery then it’s best to have the kids for evenings/weekends and holiday times only. Why add financial stresses to what other stresses you will have? Again when things are better for you contact can be increased.

It will be tough but it CAN be done. The pain WILL end one day. Remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger Smile
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#7
My little girl calls and reaches up for me more than her mum and it winds her up so she takes it out on me.
She needs me far to much in her life so I can’t just step away from her she wouldn’t understand where I’ve gone and why.
To house share isn’t an option as again I’ll be having her stay with me.
I need to buy somewhere it’s just the bills that come with it. Renting will cause more out going’s than buying so I’m stuck in limbo.

I went and saw a solicitor the other day who told me I have to live close by to get more chance of 50/50 care I moved 25miles to be with my ex to find now I’m going to be trapped there. Does 25miles make that much difference in court to child arrangements?
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#8
Id say thats about the right distance to help 50/50 care as otherwise it will mean lots of back and forth but not massive distances. [edit] What I mean is you wont be driving back and forth on an hourly basis because the distance seems more conducive to larger blocks of time, but not far enough away to be a massive problem.

My problem is I live in a small town and ex has a job in the local industrial estate. I, like everyone else in the town have to work in the two cities 25 and 45 minutes away. So although I have got a house on the same road as ex I will always be at a disadvantage with regards to school runs.

Some things are out of your control, Id assume its far better to show the court a practical and sustainable schedule and how you intend to make it work.
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#9
I’m really struggling to deal with all the emotions I’m at wits end. I don’t see anyway positive coming out of this and I’m scared.
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#10
(02-08-2018, 02:01 PM)Rjc Wrote: I’m really struggling to deal with all the emotions I’m at wits end. I don’t see anyway positive coming out of this and I’m scared.

Buddy, try to keep calm, it can be done. Almost every man here is a testament to the fact that it can be done. I promise you will come out the other side a FAR FAR stronger person for it. Just take it one day at a time, one action at time. Its a long process, but put it this way, if you were sent to prison for two years would you give up on the rest of your life? keep your head up mate. Have you contacted a counsellor? Get on it.


I feel for you buddy, I really do. For me there is nothing more soul destroying than watching the woman I loved get dressed up, make up, perfume, put platts in my daughters hair and a pretty dress, just to go to her sisters, knowing its all for another man. Makes me want to cry now and that was years ago. But I got through it and now Im far stronger to deal with her BS.

Get help friend, and we are here for you.

Also, by the way.

What you mention about your daughter reaching for you and calling you. In my experience only, youve got to keep that to a minimum in front of the mum. Id say a good 60% of my current problems arose because my daughter would push past ex to get to me. EVERYONE said what a daddys girl. When we argued, my daughter would cling on to me for dear life.
The only logical answer to ex was to alienate me, I often wondered why, when we were together she would actively encourage me to work away in London. Lots of reasons for that Im sure but, a big part was to separate my daughter and I.

Just sayin
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