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Advice on dealing with mental abuse from ex
#1
Hi All,

This has probably been covered before but does anybody have any advice or ways of dealing with controlling & mental abuse from the ex-partner? I'm nearly there in terms on the court process (hopefully all done in May) but the mental abuse my ex is subjecting me to has increased significantly recently. I didn't sleep a wink last night as I was so anxious and I felt sick and still do. Haven't had anything to eat for over 24 hours and don't feel like eating now. The following happened yesterday to cause this (this is just one example of many):

1. Had the kids throughout the day (the youngest was ill with a fever).
2. Text from mum 'Can you keep me updated on her and also can you drop the kids off at my mums later?'
3. When I dropped the kids off their nanna was there but no mum.
4. Got told by a friend that mum was out at the pub in the evening.
5. Got a text from mum while she's out supposed to be for another man (you probably get the idea of what type of message this is) followed by another one half an hour later saying the text wasn't for me.
6. I respond and say that I think that if one our our kids is ill they should be with mum or dad (not nanna if mum wants to go out - I haven't had an overnight in over a year since I left).
7. Mum responds and says that she's not out and is at home tucked up with the kids.
8. I know this is a lie but I stupidly go out in the car over a couple of hours in our town to see if I can see her (I don't know why I did this as I knew the truth anyway). Spotted her and a friend in the early hours falling out of a pub.

The problem I have is that I know she's trying to antagonise me and control everything and I still get this anxious/sick feeling for ages when something like this happens. For people who have been through this type of issue, does it get easier in the future or am I going to have a lifetime of this women making me feel this way?

Cheers,
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#2
Might be worth going to doctors about anxiety, i have suffered alot of mental abuse over past, i been seperated for 6 yrs now, unfortunately it got worse for me not better, im going to court as she cut all contact off with my kids trying to control me and get her own way. Im going through court procedure again she not happy saying it a waste of time, i make sure you never see the kids again.
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#3
Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry to hear you've suffered this too. Did you have a court order before or did you both make arrangements yourself which she has now stopped following? I will go to the doctors about this.
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#4
Hugs.

But listen up. Nobody can make you feel anything. Ever. You are in true control of very very little in your life, we all are, but there is one thing you are sure as shit in complete and 100% control of - your own mental response to situations that arise. You choose how to respond to things that happen, not your ex, not your kids, not your mum not your boss. YOU.

Your ex tried to antagonise you? so what. She hates you. She's feeling angry, scared, like she wants control or any of another 100 emotions. She may well be an emotional shotgun but you don't need to and you'll be a much happier person if you're not.

Just don't give a fuck. That's it, who cares what she says or does? You can decide how to respond, choose to respond with, well, nothing. You don't care what a random stranger does, why should you care what someone else does? you didn't do it, you have no control over it in the slightest, let it fall from your consciousness.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .”

—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
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#5
Thanks Tamagoto! You're right in saying 'Just don't give a fuck?'. I'm finding it difficult to deal with and I think part of it is that I'm in on my own most of the time when I don't have the kids (too much time to run things over in my head). I have a few very close friends but I need to sort my social life out so I have other things on my mind which will hopefully help me 'Not give a fuck!'. Need to keep my mind more active.
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#6
If I could put two books in your hand - ideal for reading when you have no distractions like the kids or friends getting in the way it would be these two:

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-...not+giving

The Obstacle Is The Way
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Obstacle-Way-An...dpSrc=srch

Order them today. If you have a kindle, get them there and read them now. The core of you is strong and impenetrable, it's just deeper and smaller than we like to think.

You'll come out of this stronger, wiser and more able to deal with adversity.

Best.
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#7
Ordered! Thanks for you help with this. Much appreciated.
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#8
I’m super glad, report back and let us know if they helped?
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#9
What you have to do is not play along with these mind games.

Drop kids off at nana’s Knowing that they are safe with her. Don’t worry about where the ex is. What matters is that the kids are safe.

You need to achieve indifference towards her rather than to try and expose any lies. Just take it that she will lie full stop. Proving the lies will just anger you.

Ignore any messages not for you. They were probably sent deliberately. Don’t let her have the reaction she wants. You react, she wins.
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#10
(04-09-2018, 08:05 PM)Hazy Wrote: What you have to do is not play along with these mind games.

Drop kids off at nana’s Knowing that they are safe with her.  Don’t worry about where the ex is. What matters is that the kids are safe.

You need to achieve indifference towards her rather than to try and expose any lies. Just take it that she will lie full stop. Proving the lies will just anger you.

Ignore any messages not for you. They were probably sent deliberately. Don’t let her have the reaction she wants. You react, she wins.

it's hard to push this out of his head no doubt.  

it is for me.
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