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Evening (Newbie Here)
#1
Hi Everyone,

Newbie here so thought id post.

Moved out of my marital home as there was no trust between us (i believe she was the one cheating on my on a girls holiday months before. but shes blaiming its her mates)

SO i moved out of the home after a few months of agreeing on a split (i didnt want to) and moved out during August bank holiday weekend in 2017)it, i broke my foot couple days after moving out so been mainly in the house, but made sure i have kept up seeing the kids and paying whats needed.

Ive begged for her back but she doesnt want me to.  We have two kids together and for the last 6 years weve been married for over  of them i have been caring for 2 child she had from another relationship.  

Ive had a rough xmas where i have considered suicide as i cant cope.

However today, via a Facebook post from Preston police over a missing person.  i have found the woman im still married to (but separated from) has been sleeping with a bloke in my marital home.

He was picked up outside my old home today, admitted he has spent most of xmas at my house over a week (my kids were there when ive not had them, and hiss own wife and family have listed him as a missing person from Dec 29th.)

Now im not angry with him, hes ruined his own relationship, but now it seemingly a no no me and my ex getting back together I would love to find out more what i can do now.

She's admitted she has introduced him to my kids after a few weeks (although wouldnt surprise me if its been longer) she feels she has done nothing wrong in all of this.

The father to my step children is also now furious, as he has found out also.  

What can i do? I feel very low and cant think of moving on, but I realise there's no point in being silly as the kids will lose their dad.

So fellas, she has been up to the following :-
  • She has a history of hitting myself and others (I have a dvd clip of her punching a police officer)
  • She is a regular drinker and hasn't told the government she is working part time in a pub, she is drinking usually from mid morning onwards
  • i also recorded on my phone her racking up cocaine for her 15 year old sister to sniff
  • She is blatantly being a benefit cheat, since i have moved out there has been letters about money owed.
  • The child maintenance i have been paying i dont feel my children are getting the benefit from.

So the question's i ask are lads

  1.  With child maintenance, can i stop paying it to her, and put it into savings accounts for the kids?
  2. What are my best options for divorce/full custody of the kids? If there is any? Can i use the drugs/drink and assaults to aide my case into getting the best news for me and my kids?
  3. With my step kids, due to marrying their mum i am down as a parent/guardian, she doesnt let me have them, is there anyone i can force her to allow me to spend time with them? 
Any other help be greatly appreciated, i feel I have been played for a mug, not even thought of a relationship with another female and im being made out to to be the one in the wrong.

Hope you can help

Tom
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#2
(01-04-2018, 11:18 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: Hi Everyone,

Newbie here so thought id post.

Moved out of my marital home as there was no trust between us (i believe she was the one cheating on my on a girls holiday months before. but shes blaiming its her mates)

SO i moved out of the home after a few months of agreeing on a split (i didnt want to) and moved out during August bank holiday weekend in 2017)it, i broke my foot couple days after moving out so been mainly in the house, but made sure i have kept up seeing the kids and paying whats needed.

Ive begged for her back but she doesnt want me to.  We have two kids together and for the last 6 years weve been married for over  of them i have been caring for 2 child she had from another relationship.  

Ive had a rough xmas where i have considered suicide as i cant cope.

However today, via a Facebook post from Preston police over a missing person.  i have found the woman im still married to (but separated from) has been sleeping with a bloke in my marital home.

He was picked up outside my old home today, admitted he has spent most of xmas at my house over a week (my kids were there when ive not had them, and hiss own wife and family have listed him as a missing person from Dec 29th.)

Now im not angry with him, hes ruined his own relationship, but now it seemingly a no no me and my ex getting back together I would love to find out more what i can do now.

She's admitted she has introduced him to my kids after a few weeks (although wouldnt surprise me if its been longer) she feels she has done nothing wrong in all of this.

The father to my step children is also now furious, as he has found out also.  

What can i do? I feel very low and cant think of moving on, but I realise there's no point in being silly as the kids will lose their dad.

So fellas, she has been up to the following :-
  • She has a history of hitting myself and others (I have a dvd clip of her punching a police officer)
  • She is a regular drinker and hasn't told the government she is working part time in a pub, she is drinking usually from mid morning onwards
  • i also recorded on my phone her racking up cocaine for her 15 year old sister to sniff
  • She is blatantly being a benefit cheat, since i have moved out there has been letters about money owed.
  • The child maintenance i have been paying i dont feel my children are getting the benefit from.

So the question's i ask are lads

  1.  With child maintenance, can i stop paying it to her, and put it into savings accounts for the kids?
  2. What are my best options for divorce/full custody of the kids? If there is any? Can i use the drugs/drink and assaults to aide my case into getting the best news for me and my kids?
  3. With my step kids, due to marrying their mum i am down as a parent/guardian, she doesnt let me have them, is there anyone i can force her to allow me to spend time with them? 
Any other help be greatly appreciated, i feel I have been played for a mug, not even thought of a relationship with another female and im being made out to to be the one in the wrong.

Hope you can help

Tom

1, No. The law of the country is that you must pay her, and if you can not agree an amount, either of you can put CMS in. It is her decision on what its used for.

2, If you can evidance them as part of a Child Protection Issue, you might be able to go direct to Court on a C100. However, anything you put in statements or reports, she can have set down for "Finding of Fact", where you show evidance of it, or the Court can not consider it.

3, It comes down to if you was ever offically given PR for them. I have first had experiance of this, as in September I got PR for a child I am not the natural father of.
Without PR, you first need to ask for permision to make an application for Contact and/or PR. Due to the 6 years, under "Father by Assumption" regulations, you are in a good position, but it depends if the natural father is still about. In my case, he had died before I got with my ex.
You would need to get an Order what says xxxx LIVES WITH XXXX (YOUR EX) and SPENDS TIME WITH xxxx for you to also get PR.
If no spends time with order is made, the Court can not give you PR.

In terms of Child Support, only the natural father has to pay this, so any CMS case would only cover the children your the natural father of. You having Contact or even if you get PR of any other child, does not legally change this.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
Hi Man,

Thanks for the reply, seems I’ve lost the Chance with the step kids.

Their dad is still around, he’s been slowly getting better at the whole thing, but has other kids with another woman now.

I do have video footbage of the cocaine being served to someone under the age of 16 and soon will have the dvd from my solicitors of my ex assaulting a police officer.
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#4
(01-05-2018, 12:57 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: Hi Man,

Thanks for the reply, seems I’ve lost the Chance with the step kids.

Their dad is still around, he’s been slowly getting better at the whole thing, but has other kids with another woman now.

I do have video footbage of the cocaine being served to someone under the age of 16 and soon will have the dvd from my solicitors of my ex assaulting a police officer.

That only affects you getting PR. You can still apply for Contact, but you would need permission to make the applicaton from court.

Should you get Residance of your child, then you can also make an applicaiton on behalf of the child that lives with you, for sibling contact to be taking place, in addition to any contact you want.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#5
(01-05-2018, 01:04 AM)MarkR Wrote:
(01-05-2018, 12:57 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: Hi Man,

Thanks for the reply, seems I’ve lost the Chance with the step kids.

Their dad is still around, he’s been slowly getting better at the whole thing, but has other kids with another woman now.

I do have video footbage of the cocaine being served to someone under the age of 16 and soon will have the dvd from my solicitors of my ex assaulting a police officer.

That only affects you getting PR. You can still apply for Contact, but you would need permission to make the applicaton from court.

Should you get Residance of your child, then you can also make an applicaiton on behalf of the child that lives with you, for sibling contact to be taking place, in addition to any contact you want.

Thanks for that.  

I need to get a court order in place so i can have as much control as her with the kids then don't I.

What's the best place to get this started?
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#6
so 4 months nearly down the line, and its getting no better.

She's now had 2 or 3 strange men around the kids sleeping over including 2 last friday.

Again she denies anything with any of them, yet hid her face whilst I was running to catch a bus after dropping the kids off and this fella whos doing the back garden for "Free" was driving past.

Later my sister had seen the van outside the house.

Resulted me getting really angry later on sunday night and after a skin full began slashing at my forehead with a kitchen knife.

head looks a mess now, but i really still feel the same.

Can't get this horrible woman out of my head, I feel physically sick every time i go near my marital home and no longer want to go pick me kids up (its killing me)

Yes since January i have had a couple of one night stands via POF but still, i really dont know what to do.

Any help chaps?
Reply
#7
(04-25-2018, 08:04 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: so 4 months nearly down the line, and its getting no better.

She's now had 2 or 3 strange men around the kids sleeping over including 2 last friday.

Again she denies anything with any of them, yet hid her face whilst I was running to catch a bus after dropping the kids off and this fella whos doing the back garden for "Free" was driving past.

Later my sister had seen the van outside the house.

Resulted me getting really angry later on sunday night and after a skin full began slashing at my forehead with a kitchen knife.

head looks a mess now, but i really still feel the same.

Can't get this horrible woman out of my head, I feel physically sick every time i go near my marital home and no longer want to go pick me kids up (its killing me)

Yes since January i have had a couple of one night stands via POF but still, i really dont know what to do.

Any help chaps?

Hi Tom

You need to get some proper help, you self harming, drinking too much is doing your kids and you no good. 

See your GP immediately. You also need to make a promise to yourself and others to get yourself sorted out, at the moment you are pumped with anger and sadness, and your emotions are ruling you. Get a grip and start ruling your emotions. Stop drinking, drugs, now. Start doing some fitness now. Find a good friend and with then ask for some help and write down where you want to be in a month, 3 months, a year and 3 years. Think about some headings like 'relationship', 'health', 'kids' and 'ex' and maybe 'work'.

Delete or pause your dating accounts until you are sorted, sleeping around gives you a rush for the night, ask yourself if you are acting almost as bad as your ex? It gives you no moral high ground, and you probably feel crap about it too? If she knows she will justify treating you like crap, you need to take the high ground and defend it.

Practically you cant influence your kids mother, unless she is putting the kids in harms way. If it hurts to go to the house, get a handover done away from the house, if your ex is high or wasted and cant do it then you should get a friend or family member to pick up and drop off for you. Or even hire a child-minder to do it, avoid your ex and she will soon disappear from your thoughts.

There is a whole other angle about her fitness to parent, but its a high threshold to prove she is unfit, plenty of advice here though, the best you can do is be the hard as nails, strong and dependable dad you need to be...
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#8
Yeah definitely second what Sandman says.

She's not going to get out of your head until you get her out.
Block her facebook/whatsapp/instagram, everything but her phone number [for the kids]
Ask your sister not to go anywhere near the house and dont talk to you about anything she knows.
Find a way to do handovers without seeing each other. This is important, you need a break from her and the house. For me it was the constant stress of whether Ill see her at the shop, driving, in the pub. You need to make it so you know you wont see her and things will sart calming down in your head. You've only got your own feelings to deal with and not trying to pick away the wounds every time you see her or some bloke.
Youve had your meltdown, youve had your blow out and gone off the rails. Now its time to detox, get to the gym, get a promotion or new job, new wardrobe, salsa classes or learning a language, extra fun times with the kids. Thats the only and best way to stick the fingers up to the ex.

And definitely see a doc.
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#9
Also get yourself some counselling. Bottling things up just causes many of the symptoms you've described - excessive drinking, self-harm. It's not cheap but what price for your health?

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk
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#10
Hi guys,

Been smashing the gym since January and lost a fair bit of weight so will be continuing with it.

As of last week i no longer have her on any of my social media accounts.

I try to avoid the area she lives in religiously, even my step kids father has now told her he no longer wants to visit the house to get the kids. He has had enough of the kids being farmed out all the time so she can live a social life.

I wouldn't say Sunday I was excessively drinking, just a silly moment of madness (yes i have thought about suicide before this) Tbh one of the things I have avoided is the drinking since the split.

I am in line for a job interview for higher money with my works competitor, just need to time it right now as i could get sack if my current employer finds out.

I am trying to move back closer to friends and family, taking longer than I hoped which is frustrating.

We have been thinking of handovers, however I have been told by the step kids father, my ex's mother has been going around telling people I am poisonous, basically everything she has done she's switched it around to make it look like I am the bad one in all of this. So my family have said they don't want to do this if its with her or her mother.

The good news is I Spent 1 hour and 30 mins on the phone with a place called the Sanctuary here in Manchester, I thought they may of picked me up and taken me in, but they will be calling again tonight to see how I am.

(04-25-2018, 09:43 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote:
(04-25-2018, 08:04 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: so 4 months nearly down the line, and its getting no better.

She's now had 2 or 3 strange men around the kids sleeping over including 2 last friday.

Again she denies anything with any of them, yet hid her face whilst I was running to catch a bus after dropping the kids off and this fella whos doing the back garden for "Free" was driving past.

Later my sister had seen the van outside the house.

Resulted me getting really angry later on sunday night and after a skin full began slashing at my forehead with a kitchen knife.

head looks a mess now, but i really still feel the same.

Can't get this horrible woman out of my head, I feel physically sick every time i go near my marital home and no longer want to go pick me kids up (its killing me)

Yes since January i have had a couple of one night stands via POF but still, i really dont know what to do.

Any help chaps?

Hi Tom

You need to get some proper help, you self harming, drinking too much is doing your kids and you no good. 

See your GP immediately. You also need to make a promise to yourself and others to get yourself sorted out, at the moment you are pumped with anger and sadness, and your emotions are ruling you. Get a grip and start ruling your emotions. Stop drinking, drugs, now. Start doing some fitness now. Find a good friend and with then ask for some help and write down where you want to be in a month, 3 months, a year and 3 years. Think about some headings like 'relationship', 'health', 'kids' and 'ex' and maybe 'work'.

Delete or pause your dating accounts until you are sorted, sleeping around gives you a rush for the night, ask yourself if you are acting almost as bad as your ex? It gives you no moral high ground, and you probably feel crap about it too? If she knows she will justify treating you like crap, you need to take the high ground and defend it.

Practically you cant influence your kids mother, unless she is putting the kids in harms way. If it hurts to go to the house, get a handover done away from the house, if your ex is high or wasted and cant do it then you should get a friend or family member to pick up and drop off for you. Or even hire a child-minder to do it, avoid your ex and she will soon disappear from your thoughts.

There is a whole other angle about her fitness to parent, but its a high threshold to prove she is unfit, plenty of advice here though, the best you can do is be the hard as nails, strong and dependable dad you need to be...


Hi, luckily I upped my medication a few weeks ago (was my wedding anniversary) so I have a meeting arranged with my doctor Monday.

And yes your right about the sleeping around thing, I'm not ready for another female in my life, and I feel great in the moment but straight away after it returns to regret and thinking about her.
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