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Should special times with my son be equal?
#1
I have a 2 year old son and I am no longer in a relationship his mother. We had been on and off for a year and a half and went our separate ways in July 2017.
It's my sons birthday in December, and it falls during a period when he stays with me. His mother has made it clear that he will never spend his birthday eve with me and I may only see him for the latter half of the day.
Where do I stand with this?
It seems a little unfair that I should be denied the privilege of waking up with my son on his birthday.
I have an older daughter who will also miss out on such a precious moment.
Add to this my ex is expecting another child with a new partner and he will be experiencing the joy of my waking son on his birthday.
I have been flexible when it was mothers day so my son could be with his mother.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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#2
Hi the problem you have is if she never agrees to it then it probably wont happen. Unless she becomes reasonable then you will have to do something about it. You need to try mediation first then if she still doesnt want to negotiate your only option is court. How much contact do you currently get? Because you need to be careful as you might end up with less contact than you already have and also it could wreck any reasonable relationship you currently have with her. You need to provide more details of your actual situation so people can offer better advice.

If you went to court to sort it out then usually you share birthdays and important days, so alternate years or half days, you could take it in turns every year who has him on the eve until 1pm say and who has him after.
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#3
I work to a 5 week roster which repeats itself. During that time I get 18 rest days and I have my son overnight on 13 of those rest days. This has been the case since our separation. I have attached an example of this reflecting my son’s birthday on 5th December.


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#4
So you have your son 13 nights over 5 weeks? Id say that is more than most dads could ever dream of tbh. As i said then the only real way is for her to agree, if not you could suggest meditation. But if she is unwilling to do this then there is not much you can do. Do you have PR? Named as father on the birth certificate? If you have PR you are on the same legal standing as her until a court order states otherwise.

As i said the only way then would be to take the court route but as i said you may end up with less that you have now, although that would be doubtful i would have thought. But you could ruin any reasonable relationship you have at the moment. She is obviously being reasonable to an extent because you are getting a lot of contact. She could just stop contact out of spite if you go down the court route. Why is she so against you ever having him on the eve of his birthday? Im guessing you pay maintenance?
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#5
(05-28-2018, 04:36 PM)ERUlee Wrote: I have a 2 year old son and I am no longer in a relationship his mother. We had been on and off for a year and a half and went our separate ways in July 2017.
It's my sons birthday in December, and it falls during a period when he stays with me. His mother has made it clear that he will never spend his birthday eve with me and I may only see him for the latter half of the day.
Where do I stand with this?
It seems a little unfair that I should be denied the privilege of waking up with my son on his birthday.
I have an older daughter who will also miss out on such a precious moment.
Add to this my ex is expecting another child with a new partner and he will be experiencing the joy of my waking son on his birthday.
I have been flexible when it was mothers day so my son could be with his mother.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My suggestion at this stage is to go to Mediation, so that you get the right to put it in Court and get it sorted before the time.

Courts look at 3 things.

Quality Time, what is weekends and school holidays. If you ask for half, you will get it. With half being 6.5 weeks a year, often non resident parents will ask for 4 weeks, that being a week at Easter and Christmas, with 2 weeks and another weekend (to fit arround any holiday the ex might have) in the summer.

Care Time, you need to show its workable, and if you currently have this, it will continue.

Significat dates are always 50/50, and who the child lives with has no legal bearing on this.  Either you share the days, or its turns each. Where it falls in your contact time, you still need to share it, but the Court will say that she has to give you an extra contact, to replace the time.

In the same way, if mothers day is in your contact time, you should get a replacement day instead. If fathers day is not in your contact time, she should give you an extra contact.

Where a birthday is mid week, not in your time, you should have an extra contact the weekend after, even if its just like 5 or 6 hours.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#6
I would avoid court and just let MUM wake up with your child knowing that you will have him/her later on in day. most people on here including myself get nothing whatsoever. If she fails to let u see your daughter/son on their birthday then u look at option of issuing court proceedings, but it sounds like your ex is still being fairly reasonable. remember once u go legal route exs get worse and more resentful than ever . You also have an incredible amount of access already I would probs ring your ex and say I was thinking about it all and I think its a great idea you spend time with daughter/son and I spend the remainder of day with them so he/she has a fabulous time
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#7
(05-28-2018, 06:42 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(05-28-2018, 04:36 PM)ERUlee Wrote: I have a 2 year old son and I am no longer in a relationship his mother. We had been on and off for a year and a half and went our separate ways in July 2017.
It's my sons birthday in December, and it falls during a period when he stays with me. His mother has made it clear that he will never spend his birthday eve with me and I may only see him for the latter half of the day.
Where do I stand with this?
It seems a little unfair that I should be denied the privilege of waking up with my son on his birthday.
I have an older daughter who will also miss out on such a precious moment.
Add to this my ex is expecting another child with a new partner and he will be experiencing the joy of my waking son on his birthday.
I have been flexible when it was mothers day so my son could be with his mother.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My suggestion at this stage is to go to Mediation, so that you get the right to put it in Court and get it sorted before the time.

Courts look at 3 things.

Quality Time, what is weekends and school holidays. If you ask for half, you will get it. With half being 6.5 weeks a year, often non resident parents will ask for 4 weeks, that being a week at Easter and Christmas, with 2 weeks and another weekend (to fit arround any holiday the ex might have) in the summer.

Care Time, you need to show its workable, and if you currently have this, it will continue.

Significat dates are always 50/50, and who the child lives with has no legal bearing on this.  Either you share the days, or its turns each. Where it falls in your contact time, you still need to share it, but the Court will say that she has to give you an extra contact, to replace the time.

In the same way, if mothers day is in your contact time, you should get a replacement day instead. If fathers day is not in your contact time, she should give you an extra contact.

Where a birthday is mid week, not in your time, you should have an extra contact the weekend after, even if its just like 5 or 6 hours.
Thank you for your input, as I have my son on my rest days, the care time is definitely workable.

I didn't hesitate when asked to surrender time for her on mothers day, but when the favour was asked to be returned, it was reluctantly granted.

I've also taken annual leave to have my son for a week when she "couldn't cope" with his terrible two's, at a time when she was moving house and 4 months pregnant.

It's her reluctance to not give an explanation as to why my son shouldn't enjoy waking up with me on his birthday that I don't understand. The response I got when I asked was "not up for discussion"

I think mediation is the only viable solution.

(05-28-2018, 06:40 PM)Charlielovesyou Wrote: So you have your son 13 nights over 5 weeks? Id say that is more than most dads could ever dream of tbh. As i said then the only real way is for her to agree, if not you could suggest meditation. But if she is unwilling to do this then there is not much you can do. Do you have PR? Named as father on the birth certificate? If you have PR you are on the same legal standing as her until a court order states otherwise.

As i said the only way then would be to take the court route but as i said you may end up with less that you have now, although that would be doubtful i would have thought. But you could ruin any reasonable relationship you have at the moment. She is obviously being reasonable to an extent because you are getting a lot of contact. She could just stop contact out of spite if you go down the court route. Why is she so against you ever having him on the eve of his birthday? Im guessing you pay maintenance?
Hi Charlie, thank you for your response.

I am fortunate that I have my son on the 13 nights. The way my roster for my job works, allows that. I still see him less than I would if I was still with his mum. During the time he spends with me, he gets my undivided attention.

I am on the birth certificate so have equal parental responsibilities.

She refuses to give me an explanation as to why I'm not allowed him on the eve of his birthday, I simply got told "It's not up for discussion"

Historically I have been accommodating with dates for her families birthdays and mothers day, also taking annual leave to look after my son because she couldn't cope with the stress of terrible two's, moving house & being 4 months pregnant (not by me incidently)

I pay full maintenance and contribute to over half of his nursery fees.

(05-28-2018, 09:25 PM)warwickshire1 Wrote: I would avoid court and just let MUM wake up with your child knowing that you will have him/her later on in day. most people on here including myself get nothing whatsoever. If she fails to let u see your daughter/son on their birthday then u look at option of issuing court proceedings, but it sounds like your ex is still being fairly reasonable. remember once u go legal route exs get worse and more resentful than ever . You also have an incredible amount of access already I would probs ring your ex and say I was thinking about it all and I think its a great idea you spend time with daughter/son and I spend the remainder of day with them so he/she has a fabulous time

Thank you for your input, this issue is one of many I have been faced with over the last year and I'm at a point where I want her to stop using my son as a weapon, I'll take into consideration your suggestion.
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