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My wife wants to leave me
#11
(07-09-2018, 09:43 AM)dru0618 Wrote: We have been been together 7 years, married 4 and a half and have two children 4 and almost 1. My youngest turns 1 in just 3 weeks ! 

A month ago on my birthday! when I was trying to get intimate my wife came out and told me the marriage isn't working and she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. This all came to a head as the day before I said something I shouldn't that was aggressive as we have had issues in the past about the way I speak to her. I absolutely love her and my kids and at times I do say the wrong things. We have argued in the past and split up a few times but never more than a day! 

It's now been a month and I've been out the family home since it happened. This time it's different, it's all come to a head, we didn't argue, we calmly spoke and she got everything off her chest and I left the home. 

The last month has been up and down, we are going to counselling and have been on a 'date' as well as a couple of family trips to the zoo etc but she told me nothing has changed and she doesn't know if she is in love with me or because of the way I have treated her if she can ever trust me to change

I keep telling her I've changed, and I really have. Spending a month away from her and the kids is enough to kick me into a different man. The time we have spent together has been amazing and even the other night we were laughing and being silly watching the football just me and her. But she says that it's just a friendship and can't see it changing. 

She has spoken of a trial separation and actually distancing ourselves even more as currently we do message every day, mostly about the kids. We have a family whatsapp group so I still see and comment on pictures of the kids daily. I've bought her surprise presents, taken her out for dinner, watched the football with my son and her but I don't know what to do? I keep fighting and we have only been to the councillor three times (twice on our own) 

I tell her our friendship needs to be spot on, we need to laugh and giggle and I need to prove I'm a better man. But she says maybe it's too little too late. 

I just don't know what to do? She is my best friend and I love her and don't want this to be the end. I can't imagine only ever seeing my kids on the weekend for the rest of my life and another man potentially kissing my wife, but nothing is changing as far as I can see in the last month! We are meant to go away in 7 weeks for a week! 

Any advice?

So two things

The first is to have the honest and open conversation that you do not want it to be over, ask her under what circumstances could you get back together, if she doesn't respond vaguely favourably then your marriage is over. If she is wish washy or stalling or vague then its likely over

The second thing, and you should do this anyway, is to adopt the 180 approach. Read up on it (plenty of advice online), but stick to it and see how it goes. She might see the distance between you and change her position. As it stands she is win-win-win-win, you pay the biulls, give her attention, look after the kids, and she's free to date other guys.

If she responds negatively then you should do the 180 anyway (and then some), immediately start mediation and divorce proceedings, your marriage is over. Start the difficult job of distancing yourself emotionally, this means cutting off all possible exposure to your wife, reduce texts, don't do facebook, do handover away from her (from school if possible) don't drive past her house, don't pop in to visit your mother in law, etc etc. 

Good luck
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#12
Thanks would love to do the 180 approach but we have a family whatsapp group where pictures are sent daily of my boys, I can't not respond. Plus we have parents evening, counselling and my sons graduation from nursery in the next two weeks that we are doing together. Just so hard to know what to do.

Today she has messaged me loads and I've responded, only last week she said to cut down? I've no idea!
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#13
You've been given some good advice on here and are choosing to ignore it..
You don't have to respond to any messages.
Tell her this politely but firmly.
Of the three events you mentioned the only one you should attend together is counseling and even that will probably be a waste of time. You can ask the school for separate parents evenings. I don't even know what a nursery graduation is.
You've got to grow a pair and start asserting yourself.
At this rate you'll be helping her new man move his stuff in, in a few months
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#14
(07-10-2018, 03:20 PM)dru0618 Wrote: Thanks would love to do the 180 approach but we have a family whatsapp group where pictures are sent daily of my boys, I can't not respond. Plus we have parents evening, counselling and my sons graduation from nursery in the next two weeks that we are doing together. Just so hard to know what to do.

Today she has messaged me loads and I've responded, only last week she said to cut down? I've no idea!

Buddy - you don't need a whats-app group, she could email the photos, or print them off and post them, or even just send them in a text message. Just ditch whats app, she can tell when you are online too so its a form of snooping, think about why she might like whatsapp as it gives her an insight of what you are doing and when. Alternatively don't respond other than a simple 'thanks' - you aren't putting an 'x' on your messages are you...?

You need to separate the actual child-management stuff from the you and her emotional stuff. Just try it, its a ridiculous adage but 'treat em mean keep em keen'.... By that if you make yourself too available and too pliable, and you do sound like a nice guy, so has no reason to emotionally invest in you, she's already 'won' you and you do her bidding.

Distance yourself as best you can (and don't be pussy-whipped) and she might start coming around. As an extreme and obvious example, my ex was literally falling over herself to get back with me on the two occasions she found out I was in a new relationship, I didn't do this to get back at her, the marriage was over.... And if she doesn't want to get back with you then distancing yourself is the key thing you need to do to move on anyhow....
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#15
(07-10-2018, 03:20 PM)dru0618 Wrote: Today she has messaged me loads and I've responded, only last week she said to cut down? I've no idea!

She will try keep you reeling with misinformation and general contrariness in order to be able to continue to manipulate you. Unfortunately she is no longer that person that cares about you, she is an adversary that is 2 or 3 steps ahead of you.

Ignore almost everything that she says and does, and work out what the best outcome looks like for you. I would recommend working out a parenting plan and getting her to agree to it and maybe sign it. It won't be binding in a legal sense, but it will give you some peace of mind and something in writing while everything else is a bit crazy.

I was terrified I wasn't going to see my daughter for weeks, but by getting her to sign an agreement I found that she was willing to go 50/50 on parenting and felt much better after that.
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#16
You mentioned couple counseling/therapy in one of the first posts...
If not late - seek for the good advice here or mediation - it can be golden...
It is always better to have objective help (vs one-side friends, they tend to disappear later if you divorce anyway, esp if they are married...)...

And trust the process - nevermind you did not started it..
You will slowly change your "old skin" and become new and better...
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#17
Been there.

cut your losses, meet someone else.
when she asks you for lunch, say you are busy doing something else.

That's what they want.. she has the best of all worlds. but she has probably met someone else.....

show her you are not interested either, she will start wondering what's going on and why you not running back to her straight away.
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#18
Two months on and still no better, we are still separated, I'm living at my parents and she has had one major falling out with my parents at my sons 1st birthday where she now refuses for my children to stay there with me while I'm under the roof. I can see them on the weekends but they can't stay which is breaking my heart. I'm paying all the bills on the house so can't afford to rent somewhere else as well.

I still can't fully cut her off as i facetime my children every morning and night and see pics, I don't know how you lot did but I can't. Otherwise I don't hear or see them all week!!! We are going away for a few days (separate hotels) in 2 weeks for three days which was booked before this happened, then my eldest starts school but I feel like post that we will be done.

We've tried counselling, date nights etc and she still doesn't want me back and nothing has changed. Sees me as a friend. Bar the issues with my parents we get on ok. Just upsetting how she can hurt me and them so much.

I just don't know what to do or to 100% say it's over and proceed with the inevitable? Any advice would be great if anyone in or been in similar situ
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#19
Blunt truth. It's over. You can dance around it all you like but it's obviously killing you not knowing for certain. Close that door, because she's already left.

Where your kids get to stay. She has no more say in the than you do. she can't stop you having your kids to stay at your parents. 1) it's an arsehole thing to do and 2) you have PR, just like her.

Cut to the chase - Get a child arrangements order stating when they spend time with you and when with her, then button this whole thing up as a thing that happened to you in the past and work out what sort of life you want moving forward.
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#20
(08-13-2018, 01:57 PM)dru0618 Wrote: I just don't know what to do or to 100% say it's over and proceed with the inevitable? Any advice would be great if anyone in or been in similar situ

Dru - I feel for you, it isn't easy, but its over, she would have jumped at the chance to keep it going in this time if it was meant to work and she hasn't. You need to formalise the arrangements with the kids straight away, get it agreed through mediation. A word of advice for you on keeping in touch with her, (or not), why don't you buy the kids a phone or a tablet you can do face time on? Why don't you get a drop box account for the photos so both you and your ex can upload and access photos of the kids? Eventually you'll realise that you don't need to see all the stuff your kids are doing with your ex, you'll realise those are 'their' memories...  

You need to find a way to cut her out of your life and move on. Remember she is a woman and will still like to have you in back-up position.
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