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Put my foot in it again!
#1
Hi all.
It was my ex wife's birthday this week. I usually buy presents and cards for the kids to give her. This year however, I didn't. She went away with the kids for the week and I was busy with work and didn't put any effort in. Anyway, a male friend of hers decided to do it all for me. It really got to me that some bloke could take my place even though I didn 't do the job myself. I've always maintained feelings for her but my ego got in the way. We have a good relationship and last night I invited her to dinner with the kids at mine.
My first foul up was to cook a meal with meat in it even though she is vegan now. The kids had said she eats everything now...(I should have asked her)
And secondly, I confronted her about the presents that she got which caused a massive row. I didn't realise that the guy had a girlfriend and they were both close to my ex. Basically I got the wrong end of the stick.
We had a holiday to Disneyland booked and now she doesn't want to go. All my fault I know. Can I do anything to change her mind? The kids would be devastated and so would I. It would have been the first trip away since the divorce three years ago. All because I opened my big mouth.
Any suggestions would be welcome.
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#2
Let her calm down .... Give it a week
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#3
To put it mildly, your relationship with your ex doesn't sound very healthy at all. You've been divorced three years and you're still buying presents, sharing meals, planning holidays...

You need to move on with your life. You don't owe her anything.
Focus on yourself and the kids.
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#4
Believe me I've tried moving on. I'm independant and have tried dating countless women feom online dating. Nothing has ever worked out. My ex tried too and we're both in the same boat. We go for long pwrioda of getting on for the kids. They want to see their mum and dad together but I doubt it would ever happen. So we just try and do things as a "family" now and then to keep the peace. The holiday was a big step but I get jealous of anyone getting close to her and she has a temper that is explosive. I shouldn't have said anything but I had to get it out. I'm paying for this trip as she is skint. She suggested it all and now I'm the bad guy and I'm expected to loose money and have two upset little girls who won't ever forget about it. I need to sort it out if it's just for the kids sake
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#5
It's nothing to do with meeting someone else.
It's about living life as a normal single person.

Google codependency
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#6
She is playing on your heart strings. Its probably better u dont go on holiday especially where you have feelings for her still.

Holidays only work in rare circumstances if you and your ex actually get on and both have moved on and u are totally child focused.
You also dont need to buy her a present shes an ex, if kids are old enough they can buy her a card whilst u have them or if they are young u ca buy a card for them to scribble in.

Does your kids get you a card and present for your birthday though?
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#7
I’d say it’s unhelathy for your kids not to see you both having a proper break and behaving like independent people. They need closure and to be able to move on not spend three years hoping mummy and daddy get back together.

As for your holiday - why do you need to take her anyway? Go with your kids on your own and give them some amazing direct uninterrupted time with their dad.
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#8
Andy - I feel for you buddy.

But this isn't healthy for the kids, you are holding out the promise of the pair of you getting back together by going on holiday and the such like, and if its never going to happen its just cruel. You clearly still feel for her but cant live with her, you need to cut her out of your life except for kiddie hand over and other related issues. Go on holiday with their Gran or Uncle or Auntie rather than waste it, but don't go with your ex wife.

Maybe graduations or big birthdays there is reason to socialise, other wise you need to let it go....
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#9
Well neither of us moved on as such apart from just living seperate lives and discussing the kids. We occasionally used to go out for a family meal or shopping trip but nothing else. This was a one off holiday as I could afford to take them. It was just to give the children a new experience. My ex isn't interested in me so I didn't expect anything from her.
I don't know how I could remain on friendly terms after all this. It's a shame but It feels like by playing the victim and spiting her nose she somehow wins. I won't be offering this opportunity again that's for sure.
The girls like having their mum around otherwise I would have considered taking them myself. Not easy with two girls to deal with. I do my best for them but their mum is a better organiser than me. We always had great holidays before the divorce. It was the one time when we actually got on well. Just a shame it's come to this.
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#10
I’ve really found some inner peace since cutting my ex out of my life completely, except where necessary, ie things to do with the kids.

I used to invite her out to dinner, brought her round when I was putting up the Christmas tree with the kids, even for Christmas dinner last year. I always used to text or call to see what they had been up to, suggest days out for them.

And things went round and round in my head.

I know I’m lucky as I have 50:50 custody, but when the kids aren’t with me, I trust that they’re safe. I just let it go. Put al my effort into being the best dad when they are with me.

I was really negative to my ex in all this time as well. Wishing misfortune on her, refusing to forgive her for our marriage breakdown, also not acknowledging my own blame in that.

Now she’s no longer in my life, I’ve moved on. I’m never getting back with her, I don’t care what she does in her life, as long as she is stepping up to the plate with the kids. And I’m loving life.

She invited me to dinner with her and the kids in the past few weeks and I politely declined. And felt great for doing it.

As I always say, the opposite of love is indifference. And when there are fights, harsh words, awkward moments, then you haven’t moved on. Learn to be yourself alone and you’ll be so happy.
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