Why women divorce men

[Jim]

(09-08-2018, 10:58 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:

(09-08-2018, 10:55 AM)ohitsonlyme Wrote: The pain she is suffering now is I am sure far worse than the pain that was in her mind whilst I was with her.

... I look back at my relationship and still can't believe it went wrong.  But I can tell myself now that we were nothing special.  Just one of millions of couples that split up.

Interesting discussion. The not believing it could go wrong and seeing that we were nothing special is exactly what happened to me quite early on. The way in which a woman can be devoted for years and in this situation can be remorselessly nasty also puzzled me: it was far and away the most puzzling aspect of it for months. The picture I am starting to pick up after all these months is that women are different to us in a lot of ways. On way seems to be in this situation they have a kind of emotional tunnel vision: they blame you 100% and hate you for it. They seem to have this ability to believe 100% in whatever they feel. Then they have a good cry and feel sorry for themselves 100% and feel much better afterwards. Never mind feeling sorry for us. I don't think I ever felt 100% right about something in my whole life. Sorry if all this is blindingly obvious but it took me a long time to see it. One guy on these boards said something like a man doesn't have a relationship: the woman has the relationship and invites him in. I didn't get it at first but I think he's got a point: it's all about the woman's feelings. Blokes like to fix things but in this situation there's almost nothing we can do except try not to make it worse for ourselves. Getting a handle on that might be the best thing we can do to help ourselves.

[watsa64]

IMHO, cheating is a form of abuse.
You should never blame yourself for the actions of a cheater.
Irrespective of each other's behaviour there are dignified ways of leaving a marriage and cheating isn't one of them.

[Fatcat1980]

(09-09-2018, 11:03 PM)watsa64 Wrote: IMHO, cheating is a form of abuse.
You should never blame yourself for the actions of a cheater.
Irrespective of each other's behaviour there are dignified ways of leaving a marriage and cheating isn't one of them.

I have been seeing a counsellor since the early days of my split and she said something very similar as well.  There are right ways to do things and wrong ways.

My ex partner played the affair down to such an extent that she's justified it in her mind and can hardly see why I'm so angry about it. Seriously, she knows what it did to me when I found out.  Yes, we'd split up by then but it all started a couple of months beforehand AND we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed.  She genuinely built up a whole load of anger for me, saying it wasn't fair that I blamed it all on her and that it was my fault too.  I'll never really come to terms with this aspect of it and just try to put it out of my mind for now.

Yet it goes on.  She now claims they have agreed to just be friends, having lied to me about it being over for a few weeks.  Whatever.  I found out about 7 weeks ago.  A few days later he dumped her.  But one of them - perhaps both - pursued the other and they remained in touch.  She went down to see him on Friday night - the eve of her birthday - and spent the evening with him. She stayed at a hotel, in spite of apparently being skint and not helping me one bit with the bills since we split.  She says he wasn't staying with her.  But she woke up on her birthday in that hotel, either with him or not, but certainly without her kids who she left at home with me.  And she came back on Saturday evening sporting a new expensive purse - something I never bought her or that she bought for herself because she said she hated at that stuff.  Last night she made some excuse about the dog looking like he wanted a shit and she went out to call him at about 10.30.

AND... she's still here!  She still hasn't moved out.  She still hasn't paid towards the house or her car.  She buys weed and carries on with her affair.  I can't throw her out - it's her house as well as mine.  I can't intimidate her - I could get thrown out.  I can't be an arsehole to her in front of the kids.  Getting on with her is better for the future and for everybody.  An ex boyfriend of hers who I know well once described her as being a c*** which blew my mind.  Now I understand!  I'm being walked all over but my hands are tied.  And she seemingly doesn't give a shit, though just a week ago was telling me she loved me so much she thought she might be making a huge mistake.  She's seeing a place today.  Fingers crossed for me, please.  All this idea that you can just leave someones bags packed on the driveway... it isn't a reality. I'm having to stand back and be treated like dirt in the interests of the kids and my future.  I  hate her.

[Tamagoto]

Bring a bird back and bang her in the marital bed ?

[ohitsonlyme]

Fat cat I feel for you fella Big man Hugs

Staying there with all hatred that is being shown is very very difficult,I did it for 3 months until I was arrestedafter I called the police,make sure that you have your phone on record at all times


I was/am married but the house was owned by stbx and her father,she stopped me from showering and pushed me so far that she is lucky not to be in hospital

I didnt react to all of the hatred and goading even tho I have cancer she told me to hose myself down like and animal and threatened to smash a sugar container of my b--d f--g head

I called the police 5 times and nobody listened because I said I didnt want to get her in trouble

I wish I had been harder with her she is an evil vile person that I thought I loved with all of my heart I was kidding myself not about the love but about what she really is.

The police arrested me and locked me up the only reason I dont have police record (although they have me as perpetrator and my DNA etc) is because I had audio on my phone and after 18 hours in a cell they let me go with NFA

I went home to lick my wounds to find the locks changed I had no money no credit cards and no where to go I spent month sofa surfing
I have PTSD from a war I didnt sign up for

I hate her and the police and have cop car tourets They were worse than useless

Any body reading this record everything If that sweet lovely girl you married is getting angry dont just try to fix her protect yourself as well

I dont know the woman that lives in my home of 12 years she never worked and I gave her over £250,000 to take care of the family
I bought everything in the house and now she has my 7 YO daughter and restricts the time I have with her and constantly bombards me with texts blaming me for all of the problems in our/her life

Hate her I understand that, its not in my nature to say Hate but I do hate her and what she has done /the way she has done it

Ive learned lessons and must have been part of the problem

I know I am a great dad and was a good husband and provider

What went wrong I still cant figure it out, she had see sawing emotions one day hating me next day saying she was sorry and didnt know what was making her so angry. Then it/she got out of hand and luckily audio on my phone saved me from an even worse scenario

RECORD EVERYTHING!!!!

[Tamagoto]

Sorry that’s not supposed to sound as off the cuff as it does. I just mean that you obviously feel like your nose is being rubbed in it. I know we’ve all looked at the total separation to a greater or lesser extent, and the situation you’re in right now means you’re less separated than you’d like, but maybe there are more steps you can take to make that happen.

Maybe genuinely just getting laid will help! Nothing serious!

[Living Bate]

(09-10-2018, 04:53 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I  hate her.

(09-10-2018, 05:26 AM)ohitsonlyme Wrote: I hate her  

I hate her

[Fatcat1980]

We're all in agreement on the hate thing then! LOL

---

(09-10-2018, 05:29 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Sorry that’s not supposed to sound as off the cuff as it does. I just mean that you obviously feel like your nose is being rubbed in it. I know we’ve all looked at the total separation to a greater or lesser extent, and the situation you’re in right now means you’re less separated than you’d like, but maybe there are more steps you can take to make that happen.

Maybe genuinely just getting laid will help! Nothing serious!

Ha ha. I getchya, buddy.  I actually went and bought new sheets at the weekend and am tempted to get a new mattress.  I do have somebody I could bring back, once she's gone.  But I have concerns, for the respect of the new woman.  My ex is going to have to come and go from the house at first for the sake of the fugging dog, and the kids at times.  If she walked in and my new date was there, it'd be awful for her.  All my neighbours know me too so it's very awkward.

The coming and going from my house will hopefully only be temporary.  I really wish I didn't have to stay there, but she can't buy me out so I have no choice at first. I want to sell it though and will probably push for it once she's out.

As for having my nose rubbed in it, you couldn't be more right.  She's either an emotional retard or she genuinely doesn't care and/or is a c*** after all.

[Living Bate]

(09-10-2018, 08:32 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: She's either an emotional retard or she genuinely doesn't care and/or is a c*** after all.

that is the assessment i'm trying to make...

[Fatcat1980]

Mine didn't have the choice to leave.  The bloke she's in love with doesn't want her.  She didn't have the money or the ability to move out immediately. And she wouldn't leave the kids.  So she ended us and was already in love with another bloke who she was going to great lengths to go and see.  But she's had to carry on being supported by me, living in the house that I bought for us, driving the car that I bought for the family, asking me to do countless things she can't... it's embarrassing.  At one point, she actually thought that it should be me that leaves because she'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve to go.  If I dwell on this stuff, the feelings of hatred come flooding back so I normally put it out of my mind.