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Why does she act like a victim?
#1
I bet I'm not the only one.  I spoke to my then-partner in June because there was clearly something on her mind and she was waiting to be asked.  She told me she wasn't in love with me, felt we were living separate lives, we weren't sexually compatible, wanted sexual encounters with other people... etc etc.  Over a few days and a few chats, we agreed we were splitting up.  I was in pieces.  I found out at a later date that she'd met a guy a couple of months before and was having an affair with him, albeit mainly on her phone but she'd met up with him too and probably slept with him by then.  She didn't really have a clue what to do next but she still pursued her affair, caused shit loads of hurt and gradually came to the realisation that we'd have to separate and live in different houses.  She was in love with the guy.

Over the space of 3-4 months she saw me devastated, she saw the hurt she caused. Yet I asked her repeatedly if she really wanted to do it, told her how much I loved her and didn't want her to go, told her she was making a mistake.  Even when I found out about the affair, she knew I was open to her coming back and she told me she wanted to move on. 

She moved out a fortnight ago into a flat.  She was over with the kids last night and we had a cup of tea together. It seems apparent to me that she sees herself as a victim in all this.  Resentful that she'd become dependent on me, resentful that I got on with the practicalities of separation and now want to divide what's left of our assets, resentful that I've pulled myself together, got on with my life and and doing a great job of running the house on my own and looking after the kids.

What's a guy supposed to do!
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#2
(10-09-2018, 08:14 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I bet I'm not the only one.  I spoke to my then-partner in June because there was clearly something on her mind and she was waiting to be asked.  She told me she wasn't in love with me, felt we were living separate lives, we weren't sexually compatible, wanted sexual encounters with other people... etc etc.  Over a few days and a few chats, we agreed we were splitting up.  I was in pieces.  I found out at a later date that she'd met a guy a couple of months before and was having an affair with him, albeit mainly on her phone but she'd met up with him too and probably slept with him by then.  She didn't really have a clue what to do next but she still pursued her affair, caused shit loads of hurt and gradually came to the realisation that we'd have to separate and live in different houses.  She was in love with the guy.

Over the space of 3-4 months she saw me devastated, she saw the hurt she caused. Yet I asked her repeatedly if she really wanted to do it, told her how much I loved her and didn't want her to go, told her she was making a mistake.  Even when I found out about the affair, she knew I was open to her coming back and she told me she wanted to move on. 

She moved out a fortnight ago into a flat.  She was over with the kids last night and we had a cup of tea together. It seems apparent to me that she sees herself as a victim in all this.  Resentful that she'd become dependent on me, resentful that I got on with the practicalities of separation and now want to divide what's left of our assets, resentful that I've pulled myself together, got on with my life and and doing a great job of running the house on my own and looking after the kids.

What's a guy supposed to do!

In my own experience, the more I attempted to reconcile in some cases begging her not to split the family, more she wanted to separate ! she probably thought I got something to lose. But when I, like you said, got to the practicality of separation, she then wondered what is going on in my mind, tried to talk thru children, even said she missed me to her friends. But after she realised I have moved on, then came the resentment, stop contact with children, asking for more money etc. Unfortunately all seems natural.
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#3
My wife is the same. She has become a complete victim the last 5 months.

I'm not quite separated and we're not quite together at the moment. She told me back on April that she 'wasn't sure about me anymore and needs time to decide'. She is using her therapist to help her make a decision about whether or not we stay together. it's fucking crazy!

Anyway, slowly but surely over the past 5 months she has firmly put herself in the victim box, not only a victim of my 'abusive' behaviours but a victim of her family and recently a victim of our children (which is also my fault!)

she regularly storms out the house and comes back an hour later fuming with me, even when I've not been involved.

I just wished the c*nt would move out.
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#4
[quote pid='33323' dateline='1539073803']

In my own experience, the more I attempted to reconcile in some cases begging her not to split the family, more she wanted to separate ! she probably thought I got something to lose. But when I, like you said, got to the practicality of separation, she then wondered what is going on in my mind, tried to talk thru children, even said she missed me to her friends. But after she realised I have moved on, then came the resentment, stop contact with children, asking for more money etc. Unfortunately all seems natural.
[/quote]

How depressing.  Like I say, what are you supposed to do?  My counsellor told me last week that in any relationship that breaks up, when one party sees the other getting on with their lives; happy; doing fine, it's guaranteed they will not like it.
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#5
My wife has also put herself in the victim's position. The separation was entirely her decision and although she said I was to blame, it turns out she was just bored of me (counselling got that out).

When she is heartless and callous towards me it makes me hate her for feeling like I deserve to be treated that way. When she is nice and breezy to me it makes me hate her for carrying on like her behaviour throughout all of this is in some way normal and acceptable!

She can't win!

Plus I would still take her back!

Someone shoot me!!
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#6
Consider yourself shot.
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#7
Technically, I could've let mine get away with pulling the victim card as I can certainly hold my hands up to my faults & my part in our split.

Unfortunately she went too far in my opinion, blew things out of proportion & verbally reduced me to a pulp on more than one occasion. Anyone who didn't know me (or her) would've expected to see me on the next episode of "America's most Wanted" with the things she was coming out with (then denying she ever said, further down the line when I finally found my voice again).

The one that really pissed me off though was when she first made it clear in conversation that we were over, she followed up with "& don't threaten to kill yourself, don't write me letters, don't try to change my mind, my ex tried all that & it didn't work then & it won't work now.....etc".

So I didn't.

About a month down the line, during another verbal list of everything I've ever done wrong since the beginning of time, she came out with "anyone else would've been on their knees begging to sort this out"! Hang on, you told me not to so I didn't???

While the guns are out, shoot her please. Huh
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#8
LOL!

By the way, I got told off by my sister-in-law for asking her why women have affairs, dump their men and then act like victims. She called me sexist and said men do it too. The victim mentality is unisex.
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#9
It's a form of projection ultimately. Projecting their own insecurities onto somebody else rather than facing up to the simple fact that the person making themselves unhappy is them.

My ex is exactly the same. Her social network was small, she moaned about her lack of network to try different things and lacked the courage to go off and try it on her own. I couldn't invent that for her and she increasingly became jealous of my social network and attempted to cut me off from them.

Often as well many women initially glow in the immediate aftermath of having children but that honeymoon period gradually fades whereby they end up hiding behind the children to find their own happiness. It's also why they become so possessive of the children as it's mainly all they have.
Misery enjoys company and my ex hates the remotest idea I'm getting on with my life. I very bluntly cut her out of my life to the point I know she's obsessed with my every movement.

I also think western society encourages this behaviour with women. To find happiness they need to find the mythical partner to bring them that happiness. It's fairy-tale nonsense as many make the critical error that it's their partner's job to keep them mentally stimulated 100% of the time.
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#10
Yes somehow mine seems to have assumed the position of victim, despite me always doing everything I could to give her what she wanted.

I moved in with her within the first year of our relationship - as she wanted.

We went on the holidays she wanted.

I gave her the expensive engagement ring and expensive wedding she wanted.

I agreed to her coming off the birth control as she wanted - and she fell pregnant.

I agreed to buy a house in the quiet market town as she wanted - so she could be by her family for support.

I even agreed to buy the top of the range expensive carpet in our new house that she wanted (which i'm still paying for)

9 months later she forces me out of the house, tells me its all over and only allows me to see my daughter for 2hrs in the week and 1 day on the weekend.

Somehow SHE is the victim!!!??
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