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Mortgages and marriage
#11
I found it really hard being in the house at the beginning of the split, the atmosphere was awful and clearly was having an effect on the children.
Thanks for your advice. Good luck
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#12
IMHO (& I think I speak for most of the Dad's here), we as Fathers feel morally obliged to do whatever's considered the best for our children, no matter how much it screws us over, which ultimately seems to be the woman getting everything she want's & her not giving a flying toss what it causes us.

I've had to take a step back from that, think very hard & carefully, & decide what's best for everyone. Children will adjust to change, no matter how bad it may seem. Mine will have to leave this nice, family home & end up in something smaller with her while I'll also end up in the same situation which leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. I'll make my new home something that they can enjoy when I have them & if anything, when I do have them it'll be more quality time together.

The children need two happy parents & if one's in a bad place then it's hard to sugar coat that no matter how hard you try. Your ex needs to look at the bigger picture & stop being (excuse me here) such a selfish bitch & understand that you need a life as much as she does.
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#13
I agree with Dan here.  Fortunately I just felt it was morally wrong for her to make me leave the house so I stayed put and I'm very glad I did.  The implications of leaving, as a dad, are pretty dire.  Now I know.

My partner is able to claim £1k pm in benefits and takes maintenance from me, for now (I'm going to review this in future because we do a pretty even split with the child care).  I can't claim benefits because of my earnings.  In my case, I'm the sole mortgagee, so if she couldn't pay me rent at any piont, I'd have to cover it or lose my biggest asset.  She can't buy me out or take over the mortgage, so if I'd left, I might not get a sniff of my equity or be able to move on for another 10+ years.  I might have ended up at my mum's or in a tiny flat where I couldn't have had the kids.  What's more, the house needs work and needs money spent on it.  I asked her - "where's it going to come from?  And who's going to carry on the work?".

Meanwhile, with benefits, maintenance and her own income, she has just as much income as I do and has the capacity, time and qualifications to earn much more.   To me, if I'd gone, I couldn't have compelled her to make the most of her opportunities.  She could've just told me she was skint; she was having a bad month; she was ill; she had no work.  She's dreadful with money and can be very lazy with her work.

If I buy her out, my mortgage will be the same cost as the rent on a 3-bed house in our town. And we have the kids 50/50, so it couldn't be fairer. If anything, it's unfair on me because I'm paying maintenance when I probably don't need to AND I put a further £200 into a joint account monthly to cover birthdays, Xmas, school trips, clothes etc.  She is perfectly able to rent a place or buy a place with joint ownership, help from her parents or... wait for it... by getting a job!  She chooses to please herself, self-employed and working when she wants, pursuing dreamy business ideas like running retreats in Portugal or Vietnam for people to come to and "find their purpose in life".  She hasn't got a hope in hell in getting these things off the ground because she has no idea of the time, effort and expense involved.  But she could go back to work for the NHS, earn at least £35k pa and have a mortgage within a few weeks.  It would've been grossly unfair to boot me out, stop me moving on with my life and let me carry on providing just so that she can carry on with her utterly unrealistic lifestyle and business ideas.

She's now renting a two bed flat - a dumb choice when she could've rented a house.  I'm in our house, waiting for her to agree to sell it to me or for us to put it on the market.
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#14
(10-11-2018, 07:09 PM)DanDad Wrote: IMHO (& I think I speak for most of the Dad's here), we as Fathers feel morally obliged to do whatever's considered the best for our children, no matter how much it screws us over, which ultimately seems to be the woman getting everything she want's & her not giving a flying toss what it causes us.
I think that's the impulse most of us feel at the start. In the long run it's much better for the kids if the father is financially secure.
I also think that if more men stood their ground, seperation/divorce wouldn't be such a zero sum game in favour of the woman.
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#15
(10-12-2018, 08:27 AM)watsa64 Wrote:
(10-11-2018, 07:09 PM)DanDad Wrote: IMHO (& I think I speak for most of the Dad's here), we as Fathers feel morally obliged to do whatever's considered the best for our children, no matter how much it screws us over, which ultimately seems to be the woman getting everything she want's & her not giving a flying toss what it causes us.
I think that's the impulse most of us feel at the start. In the long run it's much better for the kids if the father is financially secure.
I also think that if more men stood their ground, seperation/divorce wouldn't be such a zero sum game in favour of the woman.

In fairness to my ex, one thing we have both said repeatedly is that if either of us impoverishes the other, it would prevent them being the best parent they can be for the kids and we've agreed not to do that.
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#16
I'm in a similar position. Me and ex finished over 2 years ago but still live in same house. Not married.
I bought the house with my own deposit, mortgage and funds to totally renovated it. She then sold her house and moved into mine.
We have a 4 yo boy and she has a 11 yo girl from other partner.
She's refused to contribute to any of the monthly bills since we separated and refuses to discuss selling the house to move on.
When she sold her house she put £30k into my mortgage so claimed a beneficial interest into the property.
All I get now is threats to report me to police/authorities over everything she disagrees with and threats that she's taking legal action to get me out of the house.
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