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harassment for more
#1
Hi all,

Hopefully i won't bore you all but i'm at my whits end and need to unload! Basically i pay £95 per week for my 2 girls, this payment is made on a Sunday without fail each week (i also pay for numerous other things such as school trips, uniforms any activities etc.) The issue i have is that usually by the Tuesday my ex claims that she has no money left & will have to keep the girls off school if i don't give more ( a threat she has carried out on numerous occasions). When i make this payment, by Thursday she is usually claiming that she has no money again & is without food,electric, gas etc. If i refuse to give more she then has my daughters (aged 14 & 10) to message me begging for the money & crying that they are starving, if i say i can't give more they call me selfish & don't speak to me so i end up having to give more 90% of the time. I deduct this money from the following week's payment but it has become a viscous circle & she is now receiving payment for 3 weeks in advance. I really don't know what i can do to stop this, i know i am being emotionally blackmailed & have tried explaining to my girls that i am paying for them but their mother has drummed into them that i am living the life of Reilly whilst she is going without to stop them starving. I receive at least 3 nasty, abusive messages from my ex each day & it is getting me down. The CSA will not do anything as all their interested in is that i am complying with the agreement. If i phone social services the girls will hate me so i feel there is nothing i can do to make this better. For info my ex works a small amount of hours each week to comply with job seekers instructions & ensure that she gets all the benefits that are available (home is a council rented house). Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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#2
Is this a family arrangement or via the CSA?
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#3
This arrangement is through the csa.
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#4
In that case you dont need to give her any other monies, the CSA amount is all you need to give her legally.

I would send her a lawyers letter stating this, however, you could open a whole new can of worms on this one
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#5
You may well have a case for coercive and controlling behaviour - financial abuse. Keep all messages as evidence and contact a men’s domestic violence charity like Mankind.

You are going to have to be tough and stick to CMS payments and only what you want to pay providing it is affordable for you. You have a right to a life free of such harassment.

It may well be that she will start cutting contact with your children in revenge but this is where evidence may come in useful. It is not nice for the kids to be used in this way at all.
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#6
Tough love . only pay what you are meant to. Your ex probably not spending it on children anyway. If your children ring up complaining say if you your mum cant look after you after i pay child maintenance for you both and she recieves loads of benefits anway. Just says your welcome to come and live with me. If you dont stop this now you will carry on getting abused by ex everyway possible for years to come
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#7
Matt - She should not harass you, you would be within your rights to take out a non molestation order (NMO) to make her behave appropriately. So long as you're giving her about 20% of your take home you're already doing the right thing.

But do you have agreed times for spending time with the kids, as in agreed in court or through a consent order or a more informal agreement? If not it might be worth starting mediation (in the likely event that she wont do it amicably) with the intention of getting that contact time a little more firm?

I suggest this as what happens next is likely to be full of conflict, part of any agreement should be for you to see the kids for x days, that's important and you need to protect it before doing an NMO.

If you are actually worried about the kids being hungry do a weekly welfare package, delivered directly from a supermarket with some food in that the kids can eat...? Might cost £15 or £20, you shouldn't have to pay this but for peace of mind....? Is she suggesting the kids cant get to school because of bus fair or dinner money? If so consider if you can put money direct onto the dinner money card or a travel card?

Out of interest, what is she spending the money on...?
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#8
Also you could put up with it until end of year and get christmas out of the way and then refuse any more handouts and write off the 3 weeks she owes and make 2019 a fresh start and only pay what you are meant to every week and thats it
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