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Trying My Best
#31
One of the sad things is that the best way to handle the situation is to just be cold. Not to feel sad about missing out on family trips, not to be emotional about missing your child trying things for the first time without you, not to feel jealous of your child having fun with your ex's family, not to be down about your child waking up Christmas day and you aren't there....

If you can block out thoughts like these its a lot easier.....unfortunately its just not in my nature...
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#32
We haven't even told the boys what we're planning to do with the house yet, that they're going to have to move somewhere else with Mum while Dad goes off to his own place. That I am absolutely dreading! My oldest knows that we're splitting up, not of what's going to happen yet, but my youngest appears to still be in innocent, blissful ignorance.

Delaying this until after Christmas, for the boys sake so they can have a last, traditional family Christmas just feels like such a lie & so false at the moment. Never in my life have I not looked forward to Christmas but I'm just dreading this one.

My anxiety is through the roof over everything right now & we haven't even got to the real messy stuff yet!

Just to add, it's good to have this place to rant when needed!!  Big Grin
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#33
(10-24-2018, 10:35 AM)DanDad Wrote: Never in my life have I not looked forward to Christmas but I'm just dreading this one.

Same here....I don't even want the time off work

Stark contrast to last year.....first crimbo in our new home, open fire, big tree, new carpet, decorations everywhere.....

I've also got loads of annual leave to use up but nothing to do with it...

Pretty depressing....
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#34
This is such a contrast to reading threads on Mumsnet. Folks here seem to be supportive and understanding, even of their ex's. Over there it's all about putting oneself first - literally seen posts saying "get everything you're entitled to from the b******"
At least some that is presumably because it's the person who has been wronged who tends to post, but I see far more threads where the woman is asking about ending things and gets cheered on by everyone else - no-one ever seems to say "but going from a family to two households is clearly worse for the kids". So often it's just about selfishness. And yes, that definitely goes for when the man walks out with a new woman on his arm.

---

I lost it a bit last night. Took my wedding ring off and just stared at it and went into a cycle of over-thinking. It's reassuring in an odd way (not schadenfreude, honest!) to hear others having the same thought patterns and problems.
Who is this stranger who was my wife?
Why are they being so selfish?
Don't they have any empathy?
We're all going to lose out for no good reason
Etc
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#35
There are some angry women on mumsnet for sure!

I think this pretty much nails it

https://imgflip.com/i/2f9ohl

AP you still wear your wedding ring?.....mine came off pretty much immediately.....and as soon as I get my own place I will be selling it

(10-24-2018, 11:27 AM)APerson Wrote: Who is this stranger who was my wife?
Why are they being so selfish?
Don't they have any empathy?
We're all going to lose out for no good reason
Etc


Those questions are pretty much bang on....

I feel like I never knew her
I never thought of her as selfish....now thats all I can see
She has no empathy for what she is putting me through.....in fact she seems to be trying her hardest to make it as tough for me as possible
Me and my daughter are definitely going to lose out.....and all because she broke the family up for no good reason
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#36
(10-24-2018, 11:58 AM)Living Bate Wrote: There are some angry women on mumsnet for sure!

I think this pretty much nails it

https://imgflip.com/i/2f9ohl

AP you still wear your wedding ring?.....mine came off pretty much immediately.....and as soon as I get my own place I will be selling it

It sure does!

Yes, given we're all still in the same house and still a family, and it's her that's driving this crazy (but slowwww) train, I'm still married. She's welcome to change her mind! Though rebuilding emotional trust is something I expect would take years. There just doesn't seem to be appetite amongst my generation(ish) to actually work for relationships. It's chop and change and if someone isn't good enough you drop them... never mind focussing on the good aspects or working together. It's in the bloody marriage vows!
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#37
It's now 7 months since I packed and left.

I've been through some dark times, some angry times and some depressing times.

I've also found joy and happiness with my new GF along the way. I've learnt to love again and felt what it means to be loved. So I've been to both the good and the bad end of the stick.

My GF is wonderful about it all and as supportive as I think she can be without getting involved. She's kept me on a level footing when I've been ready to blow and she's given me some sound advice, which I've probably not paid enough attention to on reflection.

I've absolutely no doubt my STBX has taken a huge amount of pleasure over dragging things out and making it as awkward as she can, especially recently now we're getting to the business end of sorting out the money.

Throughout it all, because I left, everyone including my family and most of my supposed friends have made me out to be the bad guy because I left someone who they thought was totally innocent. Most of my friends and family think I left for selfish reasons. I actually left to be happy, something that I found impossible to be while I was with my STBX.

She was 100% the reason I left, I'd fought for the best part of 7 years to save the marriage but there's only so much you can fight for something if the other person can't be bothered to put the effort in to make it work.

I'm not saying I was a perfect husband, I had my faults too, but I didn't leave because I did dumb things every once in a blue moon, I left because my STBX was incapable of showing me that she loved me, she couldn't show me she cared enough about things to fight for them. By the time she'd promised for 100th time that she'd make more effort I'd given up.

I honestly believe she just couldn't be arsed and thought that because I hadn't left after years of threatening it that I wouldn't leave her. I told her on New Years Day this year that I'd be happy in my life at any cost, I left on March 18th and I'm finding out what that cost is now.

I hate not seeing my kids more than once every 2nd weekend. I hate that I'm stuck living back with my mum as a 42 year old man. I hate that my STBX now sees it as her duty in life to make my life awkward.

She literally could not care less about what I've gone through, a fact shown from one of the last emails she sent me where she repeatedly tried to bring the well-being of the kids into an argument about how she'd make me stay at her mums while she strung out the house sale and we'd both incur more costs if I didn't accept her shitty offer. The fact that me having to live at my mums isn't good for the kids totally escaped her. She tried to blackmail me emotionally using the kids and that just wasn't acceptable for me. I had some respect for her prior to that email but I can't even look her in the eye now. She stooped lower than I thought possible and she lost any respect I had left for her. As far as I'm concerned, once this is over there won't be any amicable exchanges because of one that one email. She's dead to me now.

I hate that there's a good chance I'm going to be either stuck at my mums for Xmas, or at best I'll have just moved into my own place, with not so much as a chair to sit on or a bed to get my head down onto, never mind somewhere I'm ready to have my kids over to. Xmas is something I'm dreading. It needs to be sorted sometime with the STBX but I can't think of a fair way to do it other than to share the kids on Xmas day. I'd originally suggested she had them Xmas day and I'd have them boxing day (essentially making Boxing Day my Xmas day) but she's not having that.

STBX also wants the divorce wrapped up when she buys me out of the house. Suits me down to the ground really, but there's a lot to go through and on the run up to Xmas it's going to be chaos getting it all done I suspect. I'm expecting her 'unreasonable behaviour' reasons to be fabrications and over-exaggeration again. She's already tried to file it once, but I was so mad at the lies she put on there that I put a stop to it.

The feeling I get from mutual friends is that she's making herself out to be the hard-done-to party in all of this, but is she really? She's getting the house for next to nothing, the kids stay with her most of the time, I pay her a small fortune in maintenance and she's rolling in tax credits and benefits. She's got herself a new BF who she's been seeing for about 2 months as well. On top of that she gets to toy with my emotions on a regular basis. She's not having it bad at all really I'd say.

I can't help thinking places like Mumsnet have a lot to answer for.
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#38
These stories really resonated with me. I'm 9 months post seperation from my partner of sixteen years and saying it's been a rollercoaster of emotions is putting in lightly.

I was left with literally nothing from our life together including a housing association flat in heart of London that was 1/3 cost of private rent and was originally my sole tenancy.

I have recently left my mum's and now paying 60% of my income for a small studio flat just so I have somewhere kids can stay and I feel I can start to look forward with my own life.

I agree the hardest part is seeing someone you gave your life too and at one-time envisioned spending the rest of your life with, able to act so cold and like a complete stranger. Especially as in my case it was her that felt we had grown apart and wanted to end it , neither of us had cheated or abused each other, so I gave up everything so she and the kids could be settled but every promise she made about supporting my transition and to an extent promises to the kids was quickly forgotten and only time she communicates if when wants money. Sometimes only reason I think she allows me to have kids is so she can have her time and do what ever she is.

As painful as it has I have tried to be friendly and understanding but I fear being selfish seems to the be the only way forward but that is just not in my natural persona so I'll do what I feel is right for me and the kids and try and ignore her behaviour.

Letting go of the thought that relationship issues was all so fixable and things could still turn around is what I also need to completely let go off.

While I don't post alot I have visited this forum regularly throughout the months and it's has been a real help.

I hope you all stay strong and positive!
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#39
There's certainly a lot of guys here who've ended up in a far worse situation than I'm going to be in (assuming all of the agreements we have in place stay in place).

I will be able to buy myself my own house once this has all gone through, I won't be fighting through the courts for access to my boys & I'll be paying CMS as per the calculator.

I guess that's quite a saving grace in my story but pretty much all of the questions raised here as to "how the actual fuck did it come to this" resonate in my head daily.

I feel like I'm being made to trade off finding happiness in my life again & being my own person for not having my boys around every day.

The mother's don't seem to consider this, it's almost like they think "you'll have them every other weekend, what's your problem"?

My problem is that's not what I signed up for when I became a father!
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#40
Children have a right to have a relationship with both parents.  My ex has never questioned that I'd have my kids half the nights of the year, with flexibility so that we can both work and have a life.  We both miss them, but we see them at least 10 days in 14 with our arrangement and we both recognise the need for us to have our own lives and that neither parent should be deprived.  I guess I'm lucky. All in all, she hasn't given me the hard time that many of you have, save for the fact that she's been a total dick, betrayed her best friend, father of her kids and partner of 13 years, and broken up the family in which the kids were so happy.  ...if that makes sense.

Actually, the hardest thing for me is being a single parent.  It isn't the effort - I'm not afraid of hard worko and cope with that just fine.  It's the not sharing experiences with the person I saw as my life partner - my closest friend.  Not having someone to laugh with when one of the kids does something funny or to vent my frustrations at when the kids wind me up. I've done loads with my kids over the past 5 months since we split up.  Some was with her when we still lived together, but now we've separated I've tried to do it all on my own.  I've never felt so alone as an adult.  I didn't expect to feel like this at all.  It's odd.
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