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Who Tried Reconciliation?
#81
One of the hardest things for me was maintaining my relationship with my kids while she was still living with me because I didn't want to spend time with her. I almost forgot about this until Dan mentioned it.

So if she was with them, being all happy and loving (as she should with the kids), i couldn't stand being there. So I went to the pub or out with the dog. I'm very glad that time is over. I can be with the kids all the time now, whenever they're at mine.
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#82
Absolutely agree with your earlier point about loving the children through the mother. As if the children aren't really people in their own right but a kind of offshoot of your love for her. I wonder if it's something the mothers quietly encourage. From time to time STBX would make it clear that she thought she was the better parent. I don't think she meant it hurtfully but she kind of took it for granted. Actually I don't think she was.
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#83
(11-17-2018, 07:23 AM)Jim Wrote: Absolutely agree with your earlier point about loving the children through the mother. As if the children aren't really people in their own right but a kind of offshoot of your love for her. I wonder if it's something the mothers quietly encourage. From time to time STBX would make it clear that she thought she was the better parent. I don't think she meant it hurtfully but she kind of took it for granted. Actually I don't think she was.

This!

The phrase I heard was along the lines of, Yes, I know everybody thinks he's a brilliant dad but "behind closed doors he ignores the children...".  She slagged me off to her mum, apparently.  One night a few years ago we sat in a restaurant and she got drunk.  Then she ripped into me, crying for hours and trying to make out that I was getting it all wrong with the kids and I'd look back and regret it.  First thing the next morning she woke up, apologised and admitted that I was an amazing dad. While we were breaking up, she also wrote to me and told me what a fantastic father I was.  Looking back, it was as if she herself felt inadequate and tried to transpose it on me.  I can see now how, although she was with the kids a lot more than me, she wasn't the better parent in terms of what she was teaching them.  Yes, of course she loved them unconditinally but she was just there more.  And I reckon she felt something about it.
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#84
While we were together mine was always very complimentary about how supportive i was and how she couldn't do it without me. Even tweeting / posting in her midwives group about the great things i did - some even brought a tear to my eye when she read them to me.

Then its all over, i'm a bully, i don't care about my daughter and i need to get out of the house immediately.

Fuck knows.
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#85
(11-16-2018, 12:10 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I decided yesterday to stop being a victim. Stop acting hurt around her when I have to see her.  Yes, she's hurt me and still does.  But with her I need to be cheerful, positive, energised and fun.  She can't see me at my worst, even if she's caused it and it's so difficult to hide.  She needs to see the best of me and have trust for me so that we can sort out the house and our plans for the kids. I'll do the negative stuff in private.

Hi Fatcat - I'm interested in this statement.  I still can't look at my STBX.  To act "normal" around her will be an effort for me and I don't think she deserves that effort.  Does not acting hurt around her help you fundamentally?  Or is it mainly about keeping things with the STBX running smoothly?  Always interested to discover new strategies, and I haven't tried this one yet.

Feeling particularly useless at the moment as I really don't think I've got to the stage a lot of you have got to where you wouldn't entertain any chance of reconciliation!
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#86
I am of the same mindset as fatcat and regardless of my emotions when I see ex I try and be as positive and cheerful as possible , this wasn't always the case but I show this attitude for a combination of showing the kids I am positive and for my own wellbeing as I realised expressing my hurt and anger etc. Was only upsetting me more and not her.

With regards to reconciliation while it is something that I would love more than anything I think the key is too not expect it or live your life hoping for it, tbh even if it was offered and as much as want it I am not sure what I would do as so much has happened I am not sure it could work and also I would have consider putting kids thru another breakup if it didn't work.
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#87
I thought or was hoping for some kind of reconciliation, but I've had a pretty bad week, now she has a new guy I think it's just hit me that this is going to be permanent and it's not a nice feeling
So I'm struggling to be positive in any way
It's the uncertainty of what's going to happen next
She doesn't give a monkeys, and I'm hurting like never before,
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#88
Dave, I've had a really shit couple of weeks mate & I'm over 5 months into this. I accepted that reconciliation was a non event about 2 months in so tried to keep things as civil as possible in order to get through all of the hurdles that are still to come. That's easier said than done with a woman who changes her mind about everything she does & say's every 5 minutes!

Not sure what I'm trying to say here but it's a massive roller coaster, one minute you'll pull yourself up & the next there's something dragging you back down again but I will say that you will gain strength through this. There's a determination inside you that you'll find sooner or later, call it "self preservation" perhaps, & it will keep you going through all the shit.

Hell, I've more than had enough now but I can't give up, drop my guard, be submissive, be too negative or let myself go. Your time will come mate, believe me & everyone else here going through this.
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#89
It's hard to accept that just a few months ago I was as happy as a pig in shit, slept like a baby at night, planning next year's holidays , then bang all that was taken away and the living nightmare began it takes a lot to get your head round it
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#90
I'd a few grand saved up, we were picking the flooring to fit in the house we'd bought just 2 years ago (the 2nd house we'd had, the "life family home'), we'd bought the paint for the walls, we were discussing the new sofa, the shelving, even the fucking plug sockets.

Hits you like a bolt out of nowhere.
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