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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
I think you have every right to stick up for yourself and put your views across to your STBX. I'm going through a similar phase at the moment. Constantly composing letters in my head at the absolute injustice of it all. How her behaviour is despicable etc etc.

I've held off from actually sending them, and I don't fully understand why. My impression is that deep down I know it's not going to help. And I will be shaking after pressing send, waiting for the response to come back which will probably hurt me even more.

You have every right to tell her what a complete ******* she is (that's a non-specific expletive!), but try to think about whether or not it is going to end up hurting you more. You need to take care of yourself first. And if that means she's going to get away with what she is doing without a stern word from you then so be it. If there's one thing all of us have probably come to terms with recently it's that life isn't fair.

All that said, don't be hard on yourself if you slip up and an angry text gets fired off. Sometimes it feels like we are in an impossible situation. We can only do the best we can.
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Be as careful as you can not to get too carried away with the angry texts. I'm guilty of sending them in the past myself. People told me to give it 24 hours before replying because it gives you time to calm down and reflect on what's actually happening rather than pinging off angry texts when the red mist descends. The more you send off angry texts the more things escalate. Both of you will regret things you've put in them when you have time to look back on them. I've just had a quick read back of some of the things I've sent off in anger and it's so obvious that she was trying to bait me into it at the time. I can imagine she was sitting there smiling as my texts arrived because she'd got what she wanted. I see it now in retrospect, but at the time I was just angry and not thinking straight.

The ex-father-in-law thing is awkward but I'm guessing he'll feel just as bad about it as you do. Remember, it's her dad so he's going to side with her, whether you like it or not. What dad wouldn't?
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(12-19-2018, 10:25 AM)mikec Wrote: deep down I know it's not going to help.  And I will be shaking after pressing send, waiting for the response to come back which will probably hurt me even more.

This was exactly me for a good few months. Nothing I said made any difference, she wasn't taking any of it on board. It was like banging my head against a brick wall and then getting a brick wall thrown at me. The anger in all her correspondence was just unbelievable.

I soon realised it was much better for my health to just have minimal correspondence with her. Keep it brief and polite. I started feeling happier, more optimistic and positive. I started enjoying my time with my daughter a lot more.

I was dreading opening dialogue with her but I knew it had to be done for xmas (she's been asking to discuss xmas since October). Well since I have its like she's exploded all the pent up aggression she's wanted to offload on me for all the months i've kept my distance. I can tell from her messages that (despite it being ten months into our split) she really hasn't moved on at all. She's still aggressively criticising me in the same was she was back in April. And she is full of contradiction and a selective memory.
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I’ve, I promise, gone through hating my ex, hating her partner, her family and everything about her.

I’ve been guilty of sending very angry text messages, I’ve been guilty of getting drawn in.

I’ve mentally composed letters, messages, emails, full of righteous indignation about  how unfair this all is, how it’s not my fault and everyone else screwed up my world. I even wrote a lot of those letters, never sent.


I say this with a smile and a hug - none of it matters.

The universe is indifferent. Certainly it's not fair.

Your children need you to have a civil, functioning, probably minimal, relationship with your ex.

If you do not let go of the resentment and anger and hatred, calling them “The Enemy”, plotting, worrying and concerning yourself with your ex - you will never move on, you will never be happy

And your children will never be as happy and safe and contented as they can be.

Find a way to forgive your ex, smile when you see them or their family. You’re not friends, but you need to be able to talk.

Let go. Move on.
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(12-19-2018, 11:02 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: none of it matters.

having to hand my daughter over to my exes dad and then drive back to my mothers house on my todd does matter....

hence why i am here
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Hi guys. These posts are really speaking to me. I came on intending to start a new thread because I am struggling with my own feelings. I wasn't sure if to post here but decided to start a thread as planned.
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(12-19-2018, 11:34 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(12-19-2018, 11:02 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: none of it matters.

having to hand my daughter over to my exes dad and then drive back to my mothers house on my todd does matter....

hence why i am here

It really doesn't though - not at all. Put ego and attachment to one side, because they'll kill you.

Your kids being happy, healthy and safe - thats important.
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In the interest of full disclosure, after my self-righteous post earlier I just responded angrily 5 minutes ago to a nasty email from the STBX. I'm still very much a work in progress.
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(12-19-2018, 12:17 PM)Tamagoto Wrote:
(12-19-2018, 11:34 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(12-19-2018, 11:02 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: none of it matters.

having to hand my daughter over to my exes dad and then drive back to my mothers house on my todd does matter....

hence why i am here

It really doesn't though - not at all. Put ego and attachment to one side, because they'll kill you.

Your kids being happy, healthy and safe - thats important.



its got fuck all to do with ego.....its got everything to do with the fact i'm pining for my child and feeling like my exes dad plays a bigger role in her life than i do.....

Tamagoto you should consider becoming a counsellor.....then when people start describing their problems you can just tell them it doesnt matter and draw the session to a close...

easy money...
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(12-19-2018, 11:34 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(12-19-2018, 11:02 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: none of it matters.

having to hand my daughter over to my exes dad and then drive back to my mothers house on my todd does matter....

hence why i am here

But the best way to stick it to her and her dad is for them to see you as 'winning' and successful and not bothered by their random fuckery in the least, even if it hurts not to let it show, then don't let it show. Even if you have to lie about what you're doing to stick it to them.
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