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Still having relapses
(02-27-2019, 04:43 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I sense she is looking to apportion blame now. She's done with feeling guilty.  I've been warned this would happen and I'm not ready for it.

I'm the constant target for blame, I'm pretty fucking used to it now to be honest.

Only once since this all kicked off has she actually sat there & said that we just aren't the same people that we were when we met & that our relationship breakdown has been an accumulation of things from both sides. Every other time she gets the arse with me over something (pretty much daily) then it's all the finger pointing again & "poor me" bollocks.

It does break you down though & it has had quite an impact on how I am these days. Sounds daft but I used to get comments on my posture, I always walked very straight backed & with head up, now I find myself walking down the street with head down & staring at the pavement in front of me. I even had a stranger say to me in the pub last night "smile mate, the world hasn't ended". That speaks volumes to me as I've always been a pretty cheerful person but for the most these days I can only liken myself to a miserable bastard.
2 and a half years for me, divorced, house in my name and my ex still talks about being back together. I get sad and listen a while but then I realise the reason why I cant, and none of us can, get back together with them.

Aside from everything else, they have shown an unbelievable lack of good judgement, I mean really bad judgement. Ask yourself this, at some point in the future, you are ill, and you need someone to make a decision about your life support machine or a care home, or palliative care, would you trust them to make the correct decision...?
(02-27-2019, 03:02 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: It's now 9 months for me and the fact that I split up with the mother of my kids is now normal. Yet I still go through times where my head is all over the place and I'm still in disbelief, almost denial.

We've lived apart for 6 months.  She's nuts - our beliefs and values are leagues apart these days.  I hear things that still hurt - like who she was sleeping with just after we split up and things about the guy she fell in love with before we split up (yes - there were at least 2!).  But generally I brush this off quite quickly now and go back to thinking about my own life and future.

But she has cleaned up her act quite a bit. No more drinking and drugs apparently and she seems much more into the kids.  Our house is all but sold and I guess this is quite scary.  A couple of days ago she texted me and said she thinks we should talk about us, as in why it went wrong and what happened with the guy she was infatuated with (still is as far as I know).  Why do I need to listen to her blaming me when I can do nothing about it now?  Hear her justify her actions?  Her time to talk to me if we were failing was before she started something with another man.  I told her it wasn't something I wanted to talk about right now and she accepted this. But it's totally screwed my head up for a few days.  I don't know whether she wanted to sit and explain herself to make herself feel less guilty - that's what I thought at first.  Or is it more than that?  She dropped the kids off after school yesterday and she seemed unhappy but didn't say anything.  What prompted the sudden need to discuss out past?  For me, it just means more pain but I'm still intrigued.  I wonder if she's starting to feel resentful that all the blame for the split landed with her.  Quite rightly, many would argue.

And now I find myself mourning the loss of my family life again, finding it impossible to accept that it's over.  I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing for the kids in selling the home and moving to a new place - they have so many friends locally.  I'm grieving for the loss of the happiest relationship I ever had and the best friend. I'm jealous that another man twas taking her out.

9 months - am I being too hard on myself?  And have I rushed things?  How do I get my feet back on the ground! I was doing so well.

Hi Fatcat

Believe me mate, you are not alone and you are still mourning the loss of the family unit you loved. 

I am 16 months seperated and I still wake up most mornings around 4-5am deep in thought about her, my kids, the family life, my old house, skiing trips and still yearning everything that I used to enjoy.  I wasn't unhappy, thought I would grow old with her and we also had booked New York for our 10 year anniversary.  We only added a helicopter excursion 1 month before she ended it out of the blue.  She became infatuated with her boss who recently split from his wife so it happened, they are together, he is at my house all the time and she hasn't given me a second thought since. 

It is getting easier and easier with time and remember it's only been 9 months for you.  If I were you, I wouldn't entertain meeting up to discuss the past as she made her choice to mess it all up, its only now she sees the bigger picture and the realisation you are gone that she is even remotely bothered. 

Mine is just so cold, emotionless and I don't like her all so I struggle to understand sometimes why I am even bothered.  Might be that she had great tits and I miss them!!! 

The reality is she is gone, didn't want to be with you anymore so you now have to focus on re-building your life, she is your past and NOT your future.  

I also joined a group called meet up and although some are not my kind of people, they are friendly and it gets you out the house.   Much better than going to the pub by yourself!!

Hang in there mate
Thanks all of you for your replies. There are comments I'd like to make on each of them. I'll try tonight. But I saw my counsellor today and she said something that I really liked to bring me back down to earth... Stop seeking to justify her actions. She is not the person you imagined she was. You loved a person that didn't exist.
Fatcat ,,,, that last post is exactly that... follow that mantra dude and you wont go wrong, and you know that's probably the same thoughts our ex's had that we're not the same people anymore, or what they imagined, hope all is well bud and we need a catch up on the blower soon, see if we can arrange a night out, Dandads itching for a beer, let's see if we can all accommodate a fri or sat night soon... be good to meet up, my campag needs a service lol.
Fatcat...your last post says it all,the counsellor is correct.

Truth is your ex-wife is a STBX is a whore.....sorry,i know that's a tad harsh but come on,smell the coffee,she cheated on you and not just with 1 dude but with 2...why would you want to be with some one like that?

I've been with my STBX for 29 years...she had a great lifestyle,she didn't have to work,we had Caribbean holidays every year and everything was laid on for her...but apparently this wasn't good enough for her and I found out she was cheating on me back in November.

I also look back on the good times....we met when we both were living in dingy bedsits in London and doing crap jobs,we were barely out of our teens and we went to spend 29 years together and like many have said above I thought we'd grow old together...but she chose to throw that all away so fuck her....I've cried my last tears for that bitch and i'm looking forward only.

Now,looking forward isn't easy but you have to, you owe it to yourself to leave her in the past.

Good luck.
Well said, Lincoln.  I can't believe it - 29 years!  I guess in fairness to mine, she might argue that she wanted to leave anyway.  This may or may not be the case, but it was pretty sudden if so. It wasn't like we were carrying on as normal and I caught her out.  She'd talked about splitting up but wasn't making sense, like she was trying to make up her mind.  I think back and it seems like madness, like she was doing what someone had told her to do or something she'd read online. Nonetheless, there's a right way and a wrong way to go about things and when you're raising kids with someone and that person has committed everything to you, surely showing a bit of self-control, kindness and respect isn't asking too much?  There is no doubt that she met this guy and began an affair with him before she talked to me about splitting up and many months before she moved out.  She lied and lied and lied and basically lived with me for free while it was all going on as well.

I guess I told myself that out bonds were so strong because of our kids that we would never do something so awful to one another. And I never did.  There is not a single thing I did in all our years together that makes me ashamed now (in terms of fidelity) even though she starved me of sex (controlled me?) and wasn't honest with me about it.  This is the person I didn't know - the person that was so selfish and self-absorbed that she'd treat her best friend, partner, provider, so cruelly, even if she wasn't in love with them anymore.  Our values are leagues apart.  And yet I still find myself defending her and feeling guilty.
Fatcat - its almost exactly my story and feelings too, last night I cried again FFS (in a manly way and for a short period of time). I feel the same way I defend her, miss her and want her to try fix it, even though I have no intention of getting back with her, I figure I get upset because I like to think I meant a little more to someone after all those years. I try not to be a victim, but its damn hard not to when you get treated like this...
(03-04-2019, 12:55 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Fatcat - its almost exactly my story and feelings too, last night I cried again FFS (in a manly way and for a short period of time). I feel the same way I defend her, miss her and want her to try fix it, even though I have no intention of getting back with her, I figure I get upset because I like to think I meant a little more to someone after all those years. I try not to be a victim, but its damn hard not to when you get treated like this...

But I bet you don't feel like it all the time.  I remember being told that healing comes in waves.  They were short and tiny at first but gradually got longer and more powerful.    Now my relapses are tiny and the waves are huge.

I feel a lot better this week. Things are moving with the house.  I have a new female friend (but certainly don't want a relationship right now) and I have some time off coming.  When I focus on my own stresses, she doesn't matter so much anymore. This weekend was good.  

I'd never get back with my ex now, even though it still hurts.  So often things happen that remind me how different we actually are.  She made me feel shit about who I was so often, just because I was decent, rule abiding, mature, dutiful.  It's unbelievable really.
That's it, it does get better, relapses for me are worse when my ex starts banging on about 'us' - this is a message from her yesterday "Can I ask.... do you ever miss talking to me, laughing with me, just hearing my voice.... or is that gone? X". I just ignore it but it brings it all back to the surface. The problem is that many new ladies in our lives assume our sadness at what has passed is in some way a longing for it to return to what was there previously, which isn't the case. For me, even after all this time I still get sad, but find that always moving forward and having an understandable girlfriend helps.

You'll have to let us know how your new lady friend works out, I was determined to not get too deep but before I knew it I was in way over my head....

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