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Order ignored - where to go from here
So I was about to write (again) to say if she wishes to vary the order I am happy to go to mediation to discuss varying holiday weeks. When I get another email full of allegations today! After son went back yesterday. She is now accusing - wait for it - parental alienation. Lists all sorts of bad stuff I am supposed to have said to son about her (untrue) and says son has told her all this and Cafcass need to hear about it as its unlawful.

She always accuses you of what she is doing herself. No doubt she is priming son to repeat these allegations. I am not quite sure what she is doing here. Is she trying to scare me off applying to court - with the menacing hint about allegations to Cafcass (as told to her by son apparently). Or is she trying to prepare for court herself.
Its called "Transference" I used to get it a lot
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
I'm really sorry to read this Charlie and it makes my blood boil. When you are up against someone who has absolutely no intension of co parenting and putting the needs of child first it becomes almost impossible. As I am begining to understand Child Arrangement Orders are fairly blunt instruments that under a legal heading determines a working arrangement. To be even somewhat effective, they need a degree of reasonableness, fairness and flexibility. Even begrudgingly accepting that just because the relationship failed does not mean that just because we as the fathers of our children we should not be allowed to have a meaningful relationship with them. If that is never going to be offered by the other parent then Orders become somewhat worthless in that a hostile parent who just cannot co parent will use any ambiguity in an Order to exploit their own self importance and desire to control. It's made even worse when allegations are made which we ourselves know are completely untrue.

Those who can seemingly operate at all times on the extremes are in my belief simply ill with traits which point clearly to N.P.D. I am still amazed to receive the same constant level of accusations to things I am accused of which are actions only she does herself. It's all part of the illness, instead of making things up they should just work on the reasonable facts and no more - but they just can't.

My strong feeling in having experienced it first hand is that the legal system we have is so very weak at protecting those that it seeks to serve first which is the children when orders are deliberately manipulated. It more often than not doesn't want to show any real teeth to those who are not able to parent properly and use then use the system for their own advantage.

I am no where near understanding why so many of us should be financially broken and almost be pushed to mental exhaustion just to bring it back to a point where an order should adhered to or untrue and malicious allegations have to be defended. Time frames now will be many many months from making any applications to a final hearing.

I came to all of this completely inexperienced to 2 1/2 years ago in my mid 50's - so not young and with plenty of life experience. Family Law was explained by my solicitor as being based on fairness and with a primary principle of putting the needs of children first. Until it is overhauled to reflect modern day values and society as it is today then it will limp along as it does putting immense pressure on both children and reasonable parents.

My guess would be Charlie that she is trying to set a trail for a Court application but hoping you will make it and apply, so she can set out her case as a respondent playing on being the victim.
I think you’re right High Peak. And also that it is probably a combination of things. A) to push me into applying to court so she can play the victim and make allegations. B) to also hope her threats will deter me from applying to court so the order becomes a worthless piece of paper if not enforced. Win win. And thirdly possibly as a fore runner to stopping midweek overnights this week and say son doesn’t want to come. Or even make him send me a message saying he doesn’t want to come. I’m a bit concerned about her saying I have incited son into anger towards her. If he has become angry towards her it sounds like he is fighting back and that can be a bit dangerous with her.

Cheers Invisible. Yes transference and yes they are narcissistic and not normal. But I think with her it is also premeditated attack as a form of defence.

She did it from the start. By making allegations, any real concerns I have about what she’s doing would just look like retaliation and parents accusing each other. It’s what clever psychopaths do.
Just go back to family court, she lost last time and costs were awarded. theres a trail also . enforce/variate whats happened to you charlie ?
Sort it out please , go back to family court again and get contact sorted

and for christ sake chase the costs up you are due
(09-07-2020, 08:14 PM)Charlie7000 Wrote: I’m a bit concerned about her saying I have incited son into anger towards her.  If he has become angry towards her it sounds like he is fighting back and that can be a bit dangerous with her.

I could quite understand your son doing that with his mum out of sheer frustration and also get why you say that could be dangerous with her. Mine a very early age learnt that you simply do make any challenge to your mothers beliefs or wishes. When it happens through her own actions and decisions, her way of reasoning it is that it must be my fault. Failure to accept any responsibility for her own actions has always been a character trait - that was evident long before seperation and divorce but since then it has become a daily default position of always blaming someone else. That's when it becomes dangerous as it becomes very irrational behaviour that has no boundaries or limits. 

Any application if your were to make it Charlie would surely be built on the previous history to show her ongoing and relentless hostility to promoting a lives with both parents order and I would suspect your ex is very aware of that as well. It's no real comfort but that is to your advantage.
Yes absolutely the history would need to be brought up. And yes it is like nasty brat behaviour- always blaming someone else and Dad bashing.

I am going to see if the midweek overnight goes ahead.
Charlie, saw your PM. In relying it tells me you have reached your quota. Let me know when you've sorted and I'll send you my drafted reply.
Cheers. Message box has space now.
Son is coming as per the order during term time but I fully expect Christmas holidays to be breached. Ex is just reducing all the holidays basically. As there seems to be difficulty in getting court hearings at all at the moment I will just have to get the best I can for the holidays and look at enforcing when things improve. And make it clear in writing that the changes aren't agreed. And tbh I don't know I could cope with court processes at the moment as up to my eyeballs in juggling work and the current virus situation. We have a local lockdown and son needs stability as well - not seeing any friends. So I am being well and truly shafted. Don't enforce and she just takes what she wants. If I enforce she will almost certainly accuse abuse again and start alienating/coaching son again. So timing is important.

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