Separated Dads
About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Printable Version

+- Separated Dads (http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum)
+-- Forum: Welcome! CLICK TO GO STRAIGHT TO FORUM (http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/forum-19.html)
+--- Forum: Your Stories, Advice to Recently Separated Dads (http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/forum-23.html)
+--- Thread: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. (/thread-8450.html)

Pages: 1 2


About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Jim - 12-21-2018

Hi.

There's been discussion on a couple of threads about the value of so-called 'venting' and 'ranting'. Opinions differ about if it's useful or not. One school of thought seems to be that emotions such as anger are thoughts and therefore subject to self-discipline. Another school is that feelings have value and need to be expressed rather than bottled up. 

I came across something on the subject quite by chance yesterday. It was one of those things when you're thinking about something and the right book pops up in front of you. This was a chapter in a book about meditation. The case it outlined was that emotions are not just emotional but physical too. Every emotional event produces a particular cocktail of hormones etc which amounts to a physical change in our bodies. Such a change can be permanent or semi permanent. In other words the bad stuff that happens to us is buried in our bodies. Sometimes it can cause physical illness. 

The writer sees a need for a kind of controlled letting it come to the surface and get out. To do this the emotion has to be genuinely felt but at the same time watched with a certain amount of detachment. The thing I described in an earlier post - about it being like a screw cap being undone to let out a load of anger - would seem to be pretty much what's supposed to happen.

So it sounds like done properly it's not just a pointless and self-indulgent 'venting' or 'ranting'. Nor should it be a kind of iron-disciplined thought control. It's more like a kind of semi-controlled healing process: a balance of raw and real emotions and a certain amount of applied self-discipline. I suppose a bit like throwing up because you've got no choice to but trying to make sure there's a bowl to stop it going all over the carpet.  

Speaking for myself I think there's something in this I would like to try to work with. I put the information out here in the hope that others might find it helpful too.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Fatcat1980 - 12-21-2018

I think this will trigger an interesting discussion.  Sadly I have limited time today, but for now I'd say...

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  Many of us will already recognise these are the 5 stages of grief (they get more granular in some studies, but these are the basic ones).  They don't necessarily come in order (although denial is probably first for all of us), and they come and go.

Anger is perfectly natural and if there is anywhere where you should be able to express it it's here where everybody understands what you're going through.  Many here also aware that the anger will subside eventually.  Mine is a bit better at the moment, but it's easily awoken. I look forward to the day that it's gone completely.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - pazzer1973 - 12-22-2018

I'd like to ask how many guys on here are more than 18 months in from either divorce/separation???

and what changes they have experienced from the above mentioned emotions.

are you still angry???
are you still depressed???
have you accepted the outcome??

Plus are these emotions easily triggered 18 months on??


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - DanDad - 12-22-2018

The anger is a difficult one, I often ask myself "why am I angry"? There was no third party involved in my split, we'd been rocky for several years & I can take just as much blame in the failure of our relationship as I can put upon her.

I guess the anger stems from the way she dealt with it all. She made the decision but gave absolutely no forethought to the can of worms that ensued, she just thought I'd disappear off & her life would continue relatively unscathed. Did she give any thought to how I felt about effectively being told to leave my home & my boys? Did she hell!

I think the anger is inevitable during the stages of grief as that is what this all is, grief. We're all going through it, some of you guys are in far worse situations than I am as I know I'm not going to have to fight through the courts just for the privilege of seeing my own children, the ones I brought into this world just as much as she did.

Some of the stories here are truly harrowing & although I take no comfort in knowing what some of you are going through, it puts my situation into perspective & that does give me some comfort in knowing that I could be having it far worse.

I find it hard to open up to people, I completely broke down at work in the early days of the split & got sent home for the afternoon, I've also done the same in front of my parents but I tend to keep it "matter of fact" with friends. I don't want to be the one everyone feels they need to tread on egg shells around, I'm sure they don't feel that way but that's just me, suck it up & put on a brave face.

Venting, ranting, whatever you want to call it, here has been a godsend. I can put down in words what I can't always say & do so around people who understand. We all deal with our emotions in different ways, we won't always agree with the advice/solutions of how to deal with our own minds that we are offered & that's understandable as we're all different. We will also react to that occasionally & that's also perfectly normal, how many times has someone not to blame for any of this got it in the neck because they've caught you at the wrong moment?

Don't know about anyone else but my sanity owes a lot to this forum & for that I thank you all.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - DadDolent - 12-22-2018

Great post DandDad. I can totally identify with all that you wrote.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Mr Sandman - 12-23-2018

I don't get angry, I sometimes wish I could get angry so it would help me stop thinking fondly of my ex-wife, instead I analyse the arse off everything, but to change how you feel about someone I believe you need an emotional trigger, usually anger, just my view, instead I get sad, which changes feelings in a different way, I think ranting is important, sometimes its good just to type it out, even if nobody reads it or can help, and sometimes if you want advice, well for both this place is invaluable.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - warwickshire1 - 12-24-2018

definitely agree with above


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - AK2018 - 12-24-2018

Don't allow to ruin your day.

Win the morning and you will win the day!

https://youtu.be/8-csJlgSkqg

12month in separation.. I am finding better and happier myself now. Can't wait until everything is written black and white...still long way to go.

P.s my morning starts with headphones on listening to motivational speeches, also it helps to ignore stbx ?


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Jim - 12-24-2018

(12-23-2018, 11:53 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: I don't get angry... instead I analyse the arse off everything ... instead I get sad

Hi Sandman. That's what it was like for me. Sad rather than angry. Analyse. Analyse. Analyse.


RE: About 'venting' 'ranting' etc. - Fatcat1980 - 12-24-2018

I think it's a bit of both in my case