Separated Dads
Should I be Here ? - Printable Version

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Should I be Here ? - Gogsi - 10-01-2019

Just wanted to make sure that I'm not totally in the wrong forum.
My wife and I have just split but, unlike most of you separated dads, I'm actually quite fine with the idea that my 5 year old daughter will spend most her time with her mum. You see, I'm retired and over 70 and my daughter (I love her to death) is a rather large handful. She's wonderful, so dramatic and sooo emotional and, when you get to 70, you really want more peace than histrionics, so in a way, the separation might eventually become quite a positive thing for me.
   But let's get it straight, it was my wife who insisted on the separation. Even although, I've had many huge challenges with this woman and they would continue, I asked that she might wait until our daughter was ready to go to high school, but my wife would not even discuss that. She doesn't want to stay another minute with me. So, I really wanted to find out where I stand in this situation.
Like, after I pay the child maintenance that my income dictates, this woman is likely to make, sorry will make all kinds of demands for everything to keep her and her child “in the style.......”
I get a fairly modest state pension and social security from America where I lived. So, my monthly income is approximately £1300.
Have just checked and, using the official child maintenance website, it tells me I should pay £145 per month. Now, I can certainly manage more than this to cover some extra things but how much can my wife demand? That's the scary part for me.
   I would really appreciate any suggestions or help from those of you have already been through what I'm about to go through. It is pretty damn scary, but I know that this has to happen so that my wife and I can eventually move on to things much brighter.


RE: Should I be Here ? - SeanS - 10-02-2019

Hi, short answer is, she can't demand more than what the children maintenance would calculate based on your income. Courts are more than happier to leave that to CMS if your Ex takes that route.


RE: Should I be Here ? - Charlie7000 - 10-02-2019

I would put something in writing. If you agree, say £200 a month, then say that includes contributions towards school uniform and other school items (so she then doesn't ask you to pay for that). Or if you stick with the CMS calculation then you could actually ask the CMS to open a case, assess your income. They'll contact your ex and ask if she agrees then tell you how much you need to pay each month. So it's formalised. That is your only legal requirement. Rather than pay more than that you could offer to also share the cost of school uniform or something. But put it in writing. eg

Dear Ex

Child Maintenance

I have been assessed by the Child Maintenance Service who will be contacting you. My assessment for CM is about £145 a month which I propose to pay by standing order (on a direct pay basis). In addition I propose to pay half the cost of school uniform with you.

To be honest, if you are retired and on a pension I would only pay the assessed rate. Because you still need to buy things for your daughter yourself when she's with you. eg gifts etc.

Although you said you're happy for your daughter to spend "most" of the time with your ex, many people come on here because they then find they don't get to see their kids at all. And there is blackmail goes on! ie pay more CM or you won't see the kid etc.

So at the same time as formalising Child Maintenance, I would suggest you also formalise Child Arrangements. Even if your daughter only comes to you once a month, get it in writing. What you could do is draw up a parenting plan - that can include Child Arrangements and finances. I found the template listed below good. You can remove sections, add sections or put some additional wording or change wording so it fits what you want.

Then send it to her to see if she agrees.

The download link to the template is at the bottom of the page

https://www.separatedfamilies.info/home/parenting-apart/parenting-agreements/


RE: Should I be Here ? - Gogsi - 10-03-2019

(10-02-2019, 09:05 PM)Charlie7000 Wrote: I would put something in writing.  If you agree, say £200 a month, then say that includes contributions towards school uniform and other school items (so she then doesn't ask you to pay for that).  Or if you stick with the CMS calculation then you could actually ask the CMS to open a case, assess your income.  They'll contact your ex and ask if she agrees then tell you how much you need to pay each month.  So it's formalised.  That is your only legal requirement.  Rather than pay more than that you could offer to also share the cost of school uniform or something.  But put it in writing.  eg

Dear Ex

Child Maintenance

I have been assessed by the Child Maintenance Service who will be contacting you.  My assessment for CM is about £145 a month which I propose to pay by standing order (on a direct pay basis).  In addition I propose to pay half the cost of school uniform with you.

To be honest, if you are retired and on a pension I would only pay the assessed rate.  Because you still need to buy things for your daughter yourself when she's with you.  eg gifts etc.

Although you said you're happy for your daughter to spend "most" of the time with your ex, many people come on here because they then find they don't get to see their kids at all.  And there is blackmail goes on!  ie pay more CM or you won't see the kid etc.

So at the same time as formalising Child Maintenance, I would suggest you also formalise Child Arrangements.  Even if your daughter only comes to you once a month, get it in writing.  What you could do is draw up a parenting plan - that can include Child Arrangements and finances.  I found the template listed below good.  You can remove sections, add sections or put some additional wording or change wording so it fits what you want.

Then send it to her to see if she agrees.

The download link to the template is at the bottom of the page

https://www.separatedfamilies.info/home/parenting-apart/parenting-agreements/

Hi Charlie,
Thanks so much for your reply to my post. That is extremely helpful. I really appreciate your help.
Gogsi


RE: Should I be Here ? - SteveyA - 10-08-2019

(10-01-2019, 09:14 PM)Gogsi Wrote: Just wanted to make sure that I'm not totally in the wrong forum.
My wife and I have just split but, unlike most of you separated dads, I'm actually quite fine with the idea that my 5 year old daughter will spend most her time with her mum. You see, I'm retired and over 70 and my daughter (I love her to death) is a rather large handful. She's wonderful, so dramatic and sooo emotional and, when you get to 70, you really want more peace than histrionics, so in a way, the separation might eventually become quite a positive thing for me.
   But let's get it straight, it was my wife who insisted on the separation. Even although, I've had many huge challenges with this woman and they would continue, I asked that she might wait until our daughter was ready to go to high school, but my wife would not even discuss that. She doesn't want to stay another minute with me. So, I really wanted to find out where I stand in this situation.
Like, after I pay the child maintenance that my income dictates, this woman is likely to make, sorry will make all kinds of demands for everything to keep her and her child “in the style.......”
I get a fairly modest state pension and social security from America where I lived. So, my monthly income is approximately £1300.
Have just checked and, using the official child maintenance website, it tells me I should pay £145 per month. Now, I can certainly manage more than this to cover some extra things but how much can my wife demand? That's the scary part for me.
   I would really appreciate any suggestions or help from those of you have already been through what I'm about to go through. It is pretty damn scary, but I know that this has to happen so that my wife and I can eventually move on to things much brighter.

Hi Gogsi

She can make all the demands she wants but remember she insisted on this seperation so you have to pay what the official CM website dictates.  Lots of us have paid miles over the odds to do the right thing but ex's get greedy and then more demands follow.  

I would pay the fixed amount and also agree child arrangements at the same time and this will leave a little extra to treat your daughter when you see her.  However, for ease, I have to pay £812.66 per month but I am paying a round figure of £900 per month for my 3 children which I expect to include things like school uniform and activities.  I will never give her more physical cash anymore and would rather buy my kids items as and when I see fit.  

Making them turn up in ill fitted clothes does make the heart strings go though!!!

Best of luck and enjoy your freedom!!