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Recent Break Up
#1
Hi All,

I am new here and I have just registered, I'm glad i found this site!

I'm after some advice as to how to move forward, my partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago, I slept in my car until i found a room to rent. I have a 6 year old step son and a son of my own and it is his first birthday today! 

I have tried to contact my ex via phone, text, Whatsapp, Facebook and even email, but i have had no response. I know that she has blocked my number because on Whatsapp my message is showing as undelivered and there is no photo on her profile etc. 

Anyway, as I mentioned, it is my son's first birthday today and I have been unable to reach my ex to see him! it's tearing me apart not being able to see either of the boys, and I just want to be able to talk to my ex so that we can sort something out.

I know that as a father I do not have 'rights' legally, I have Parental Responsibilities, however, I cannot execute any responsibilities without seeing them. 

I know that it is all fresh and will take time, but I am missing out on my first child's first birthday! 

Preferably, i would like to sort things out in a civil way without bringing any solicitors or courts into the equation, however, if needs be, i will be seeking legal advice. 

She lives with her parents still (I lived with her there) so I have thought about trying to get in touch with her parent to see if they can help at all in trying to get her to talk to me so that we can start sorting things out and arrange for me to see the children.

any advice as to where to start, how to handle this would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Roon
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#2
Why did you split?

I'm not being nosey, but depending on the circumstances surrounding the split, there are different approaches to it.
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#3
Hi Norfolk n Good,

Thank you for your reply.

the breakup was long looming, i can honestly say that neither of us were happy within the relationship, however, we did try for the sake of the children, but unfortunately it was just not working. after several big arguments, she told me to leave and that was a couple of weeks ago now..

Thanks,

Roon
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#4
If you split and it didn't involve anyone else, i.e. no buggering about behind the other's back, I'd be inclined to write outlining that although you've split, you did have a child together and both of you are parents and care deeply for the child's current and future welfare. Maybe point out what life would have been like if your ex didn't have her father's support over the years, and would she want her child to be fatherless?

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing...softly softly catchy monkey Smile

Show her you'll help support the child, both morally and financially (if you can) and help enable her to have a life for herself without having to worry about her child. Be responsible and mature, if you reach an agreement then stick to it even if it screws your social life up a bit. Remember there is a child in the middle of this who in an ideal world would have both parents. You both have a lot to put into it's development and how you treat the mum now could make all the difference in the years to come.

If that doesn't get you anywhere then maybe write/speak to the mum's father outlining how you feel and ask for his support in ensuring you remain involved with your child pointing out how would he feel if he didn't see his daughter over the years?

The longer you can keep it decent and civil the better off you'll be and better for your child too.
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#5
Thanks Norfolk n Good, really appreciated!

I aim to keep it civil, I'm not confrontational so there wouldn't be any heated arguments from my side, however, i can't predict how she would react.. the children's' welfare is my main priority and I wouldn't do anything to compromise seeing them, but I need her to just talk to me, and unblock my number so that we can start to sort things out!

It's absolutely breaking my heart not seeing them for the last 2 weeks, and knowing that it's his birthday today and it's a special day being that he turned 1! but i haven't just turned up at her parent's' house because i do not want to be rude, disrespectful or to cause a scene, therefore I am waiting for contact so that we can arrange properly for me to see the kids.

I am really contemplating contacting her Dad, or her Mum, about requesting if they can speak with my ex to see if they can encourage her to talk to me, not just for her sake but for the kids. I grew up being adopted, but without a father figure completely, and I do not want my son to go through the same experiences I did growing up, and I want to be there for him (and my step-son) and to be a father figure.

All I want is to try and sort this out as much as possible and as pain free as possible! I can't show her i'll help support the children because she has blocked any form of contact (short of just turning up unannounced that is) and that is my issue..

Thanks,

Roon
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#6
Whilst this is still hurting and deeply engrained in your mind you need to take a longer term view on this (IMHO), the break up is still fresh in her mind too and she may be just avoiding the issue and the easiest way for her is to block/ignore/pretend it doesn't exist.

I didn't see my girl for three months in the early days, despite regular 3 times a week contact before my ex blocked it. Yes it hurts like you wouldn't believe, I know that, but remember your child is being cared for and no harm will come to them.

Find a good mate you can talk to, or join a local support group if you can, talking about it will help you come to terms with it. I had no contact with my father from the age of 5, I know him now but more as a friend than a father, and I know we've both missed out on so much.

If the ex won't talk directly then you've nothing to lose by trying the letter approach, and if things get worse and you have to seek legal help to allow access then it will show you've tried all avenues available to you before it gets as far as the courts.
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#7
Norfolk is right: softly softly is the best approach, certainly initially, and if that fails then a firm but reasonable letter from a solicitor normally starts to ease the situation - obviously a nasty demanding vitriolic note insisting on your rights would get you a response that won't be helpful so please remember to stay calm and reasonable at all times.

I wouldn't just turn up on the doorstep but that's me. In my experience it can back her straight into a corner. If all communications are blocked then best bet is a simple note/letter/email to your father-in-law/mother-in-law asking for their help. Keep it really short and sweet and reasonable. If you aren't giving her any money to support the children then you should start - and mentioning that you want to in your letter won't do any harm.

If you don't hear back for a few days then that's fine - leave it around a week before making another request.

As for your boy, buy him the present you would have done, wrap it up, and pop it in a cupboard - when you do see him you can have a great birthday arranged for him. He won't care that it's late, he'll just care that you cared.

Oh, and don't forget to keep a copy of any letters you send. If need be also ask the Post Office for a simple signed-for receipt. It's only about a £1 or £2.

Good luck. You'll get it sorted in the end.
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#8
Sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you manage to get it sorted. As previous poster said buy the gifts and keep the special message you write down / would write down as when you eventually get to see them it will be all the more special a moment.
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#9
Hi All,

Thank you for your messages.. really helpful.

I really don't want to turn up unannounced, as I think that would just put a spanner in the works and go against me further down the line.. but part of my head says that i need to just so that i can see the kids.. but I am strong willed so I will resist the urge! I do have an old friend who is now a qualified solicitor, so I may write a letter and get him to witness it and sign it and send it recorded delivery - keeping copies of what i have sent and the proof of posting. I am hoping that it will not come to that and that in time (soon) she will talk to me and let me see the children!

I did text her dad yesterday also, for two reasons: one that I was hoping to open another avenue of contact, to try and go through him, and two, to show that I am not just sitting there not bothering and I am trying, because I don't know if she has told her parents etc. that I haven't bothered trying to get in touch! at least there is a record of me trying to get in touch both directly and indirectly. Unfortunately though, he has not replied to me and nor has my ex still. this means that I have now missed out on my child's first birthday.

Don't get me wrong, I know he hasn't gone without anything, we bought all of his birthday presents before Christmas when we bought his Christmas presents and his brother's Christmas and Birthday presents! So he has all of his birthday presents there already, and I sent a card in the post so that he had it on his birthday - but whether she showed it to him or not is another matter!

for now, I think I just have to give it a bit more time, then go down the route of a letter and see how that goes.

Thank you all,

Roon
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#10
Birthday blues happen to a lot of us Roon, don't beat yourself up about it. It's only a day in a lifetime of days, there will be others.

As much as you want to resolve this quickly, this is something that takes time, in my case nearly 2 years. Be prepared for the long haul if your ex puts up barriers, but stay strong, keep at it and one day there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

What ever happens, you know you can hold your head up high and know you did your best.
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