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Child Access Case by Ex
#1
Dear All, 
 
I am new to this so please forgive if I am asking something which has been previously asked and have been answered. 
 
I was divorced in 2008 and my Ex left the house and moved with her parents leaving me with 2.5 year old girl and 12 days old baby boy. I did take the children few times to visit her at her parents home but she did not show an interest and on our last visit on my Ex's Birthday on early Jan 2009 did not even open the door.
 
She proceeded with the divorce case and among other things she wrote that "She has decided the she feel unable to pursue contact with the children at this stage. She has decided that she will not contact them at all."
 
She nerve tried contacting children and they stayed with me. I looked after them full time while working as well. later I also hired a live-in nanny to help me with the looking after of the childre. At the end of 2009 I  contacted my Ex for her permission to take the kids out of the country as I was offered a job in the Middle East. I informed her of the country I was going to and she signed the paper of consent granting me the permission without any objection.
 
Although she had my email address and UK number, which I kept in the Middle East, she never contacted me for access to the kids. I got re-married in 2010 to my current wife who had a 6 year old son from her previous marriage. All three kids were raised as one family and we never mentioned my Ex to the any of the kids. We all relocated back to UK at the end of 2013 due to my mother suffered a stroke. Earlier this year in March 2016 when my mother was diagnosed with last stage of pancreatic cancer and was living her last few weeks in our home, my ex contacted me via WhatsApp using my old mobile number asking me if this is still my number and if I can reply to her. I did inform her this is my number and that I am in UK and she requested that she wanted to see the children. I requested her for a meeting to discuss and she visited me at a shopping mall. We met and discussed and we agreed that as she has not been mentioned to the kids and the kids think my current wife is their real mother, she can meet the kids as a family friend to start thigs off.
 
Few weeks later she meet the kids in the shopping mall with me and we shopped around and had lunch together. After that meeting she wanted to take the children to her home with her for the weekend to spend more time with them and also wanted to tell them she is the birth mother. She did inform the children 3 weeks later on a lunch meet that she is the birth mother which was shocking for all three chilren and my daughter who is 11 and son who is 9 did not wanted to know her any further. After this meeting she started calling ever week to speak to them and I kept asking my children to talk to her for few minutes and give her a chance but they totally refused although they did speak to her for few minutes on every occasion due to my request. She ended up contacting the family mediation to resolve the child access issue as she believe I was turning the kids against her. The family mediation contacted me and I informed them that I am willing to speak to her and come to the meeting as long as my Ex is willing to bear the cost as I have a family to look after and saving some need money for my mother’s funeral as her cancer is approaching the critical stage.
 
My Ex contacted me and informed me that we can deal with the child access issue without going to family mediation as she think the cost will be too much and she is not willing to pay, and I agreed. She wanted to see the kids again and the day we decided that we will meet up, my mother passed away. For next few weeks we could not meet up although she did call the children few times. My children were very distress as they have seen their loving Grandma pass away. After the funeral we met my Ex again with the children and she could clearly see that the children were upset and not willing to be in her company. I informed her that I cannot force the children any more to see her or talk to her if the children are unwilling. We spent the entire afternoon with her before returning home with the kids being very distressed.
 
She called few time after that to speak to the children and they totally refused and on the last occasion when I asked them to speak to her my daughter started crying. I informed my Ex that the kids are not willing to speak to her and she said that is due to me being turning them against her. Now she has applied in the court for “(direct) contact every other weekend and daily (indirect) contact” with the children.
 
I am not sure how to proceed with this as the hearing is early next month and she lives 100 miles away from where we live. Our weekends are normally very busy as kids have extra classes, clubs and tuition over the weekend. Above all, the children totally refuse to speak to her or see her or have anything to do with her.  Please could someone advise me how to proceed in such situation. My son will be going for her 11+ and this is the last thing he wants to have in his schedule. My family life is disrupted due to this ordeal and my oldest son have developed helath issues due to the stress.
 
Any support or advise would be highly appreciated. Thanking you all in advance for all your help and support.


Kind regards,

Ad
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#2
Hi Adnani

Sorry to hear that your kids are going through this. I am not an expert so cant advise on the best way to handle this but in my own personal opinion, this woman needs to explain to you in great detail why she abandoned the kids. If she was ill, mental health issues etc, then maybe there is a way forward. If not then fight her every step of the way. If she can explain her case to you to a point where you understand and can forgive her, maybe you can help the kids to understand. Kids need mums too... provided they are going to be a positive influence on them. Abandoning them is a pretty tough mistake to come back from and obviously you just want to protect them.

From the sounds of it though, a court will decide what is the best course of action. If I were you, I would contact her straight away, go meet her, talk it through and get her to drop the court case so you can come to a mutual agreement without outside involvement. Not sure if that is possible now she has applied, but its worth a try,

Keep us posted please. Good luck.
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#3
Thanks complexkane, I will definitely keep you all posted with the outcome. She will not listen as her family had a history of depression which caused her sister to end up in mental institute and her mother hospitalized for several months but her family to date is not willing to acknowledge it.
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#4
Hi Adani,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it was quite a fascinating read.

I would seek professional help if at all possible. Whether it be a solicitor, mediator, or counsellor.

Your ex-wife does sound like she has had her own troubles to deal with, and I think that the whole situation needs to be handled VERY carefully.

The well-being of your kids is the most important thing to maintain. Have you ever applied for/received Sole Custody of your children?

It sounds like you would have a superb case for it.

Jason
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#5
Hi StartingLifeAgain,

I nerve applied for the sole custody as she left the kids with me and never returned. I also left the country and was not planning to return but unfortunately things took a different course than planned. I will be seeking advice from the solicitor tomorrow and I really want to avoid the court as my kids are not willing to be in her company. I am not sure given there age, the will of the child will be taken into consideration or not. I wish I can rationalize things with her as she does not seem to be in the right state of mind.

I will keep you all posted.
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#6
(11-14-2016, 10:03 AM)adnani Wrote: Dear All, 
 
I am new to this so please forgive if I am asking something which has been previously asked and have been answered. 
 
I was divorced in 2008 and my Ex left the house and moved with her parents leaving me with 2.5 year old girl and 12 days old baby boy. I did take the children few times to visit her at her parents home but she did not show an interest and on our last visit on my Ex's Birthday on early Jan 2009 did not even open the door.
 
She proceeded with the divorce case and among other things she wrote that "She has decided the she feel unable to pursue contact with the children at this stage. She has decided that she will not contact them at all."
 
She nerve tried contacting children and they stayed with me. I looked after them full time while working as well. later I also hired a live-in nanny to help me with the looking after of the childre. At the end of 2009 I  contacted my Ex for her permission to take the kids out of the country as I was offered a job in the Middle East. I informed her of the country I was going to and she signed the paper of consent granting me the permission without any objection.
 
Although she had my email address and UK number, which I kept in the Middle East, she never contacted me for access to the kids. I got re-married in 2010 to my current wife who had a 6 year old son from her previous marriage. All three kids were raised as one family and we never mentioned my Ex to the any of the kids. We all relocated back to UK at the end of 2013 due to my mother suffered a stroke. Earlier this year in March 2016 when my mother was diagnosed with last stage of pancreatic cancer and was living her last few weeks in our home, my ex contacted me via WhatsApp using my old mobile number asking me if this is still my number and if I can reply to her. I did inform her this is my number and that I am in UK and she requested that she wanted to see the children. I requested her for a meeting to discuss and she visited me at a shopping mall. We met and discussed and we agreed that as she has not been mentioned to the kids and the kids think my current wife is their real mother, she can meet the kids as a family friend to start thigs off.
 
Few weeks later she meet the kids in the shopping mall with me and we shopped around and had lunch together. After that meeting she wanted to take the children to her home with her for the weekend to spend more time with them and also wanted to tell them she is the birth mother. She did inform the children 3 weeks later on a lunch meet that she is the birth mother which was shocking for all three chilren and my daughter who is 11 and son who is 9 did not wanted to know her any further. After this meeting she started calling ever week to speak to them and I kept asking my children to talk to her for few minutes and give her a chance but they totally refused although they did speak to her for few minutes on every occasion due to my request. She ended up contacting the family mediation to resolve the child access issue as she believe I was turning the kids against her. The family mediation contacted me and I informed them that I am willing to speak to her and come to the meeting as long as my Ex is willing to bear the cost as I have a family to look after and saving some need money for my mother’s funeral as her cancer is approaching the critical stage.
 
My Ex contacted me and informed me that we can deal with the child access issue without going to family mediation as she think the cost will be too much and she is not willing to pay, and I agreed. She wanted to see the kids again and the day we decided that we will meet up, my mother passed away. For next few weeks we could not meet up although she did call the children few times. My children were very distress as they have seen their loving Grandma pass away. After the funeral we met my Ex again with the children and she could clearly see that the children were upset and not willing to be in her company. I informed her that I cannot force the children any more to see her or talk to her if the children are unwilling. We spent the entire afternoon with her before returning home with the kids being very distressed.
 
She called few time after that to speak to the children and they totally refused and on the last occasion when I asked them to speak to her my daughter started crying. I informed my Ex that the kids are not willing to speak to her and she said that is due to me being turning them against her. Now she has applied in the court for “(direct) contact every other weekend and daily (indirect) contact” with the children.
 
I am not sure how to proceed with this as the hearing is early next month and she lives 100 miles away from where we live. Our weekends are normally very busy as kids have extra classes, clubs and tuition over the weekend. Above all, the children totally refuse to speak to her or see her or have anything to do with her.  Please could someone advise me how to proceed in such situation. My son will be going for her 11+ and this is the last thing he wants to have in his schedule. My family life is disrupted due to this ordeal and my oldest son have developed helath issues due to the stress.
 
Any support or advise would be highly appreciated. Thanking you all in advance for all your help and support.


Kind regards,

Ad

She did have the legal right to take this direct to court, as the Children have been located outside the UK, but as this was by consent it does change things a lot.

The fact she signed the consent, means she now needs to show a court "significant" reason why she could start to see the children again.

Where the law sits on this one, is the Child under 10, there is assumptions made that the child needs both Parents, but you do have a case as she broke of contact.
With the Child who is 10 (or over), ask for the Court to carry out a "Wishes and Desires" report. At that age, the child's opinion is considered by the court.

As you appear to have moved on, and the children are settled this "daily" indirect contact is ridiculous, and in my view will not run. At most she might get telephone contact 2 times a week.

If a court decides she can have contact, then due to the distance, I can not see it being more than every other weekend, and it should be down to her to collect and return the children. As there is existing commitments, the Judge is going to have to decide if they should carry on or not, and its likely they will take advise from Cafcass or a Social Worker.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#7
Evening MarkR,

Thank you so much for your helpful advice and support. I will keep you all posted with the progress and lets hope the judge can see some sens out of this as the travelling 200 Miles every other weekend specially with a person who is stranger to my kids, I am not sure how it will effect them.

Lets hope for the best and any further advice would be highly appreciated.

kind regards,

Ad
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