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Contact with child issues with ex and her parents
#1
IHi

I have recently separated from my partner of 6 years. We have lived together the whole time and been a dad to her daughter who is now 9, we have a son who is 4 together.
I said to my ex that I didn't want her parent picking my son up from nursery or a school,I do work shifts but if she wants to stay late at work I could get him and her if needed to help her. 
I don't want the grandparents having as much contact with my son as they are poisonous I heard what they used to say about my step daughters dad when she was having issues with my ex partner in earshot of step daughter

I moved out about 4 weeks ago and on that night her dad came over making verbal threats to me no one heard saying he was going to kill me, the police were involved and he said he feared for children's safety, those kids are my world and wouldn't harm them ever.
The police have said no further action but will put a social services referral due to call.

Things have been up and down since then with me having him over the Mother's Day weekend as she was away with friends and to help out I picked my step daughter from her dad to help her ,on returning them on the Sunday at10pm by the time she arrived they got upset and so too did I, I got a lot of nasty messages from her about them being upset.

Tonight I have been into local supermarket and her parents have got my son from nursery to help out, I have lost my temper and had an arguement with them and her when she arrived over the suitability of them having him!
The step daughter is away with school for a few nights!

My ex partner is now not letting me see my son or even letting me know when I can have him.

I work 4 days on and 4 off so work 5 weekends out of 10 but won't let me have him for 5 consecutive weekends.
Can anyone help or advise if they have had any other issues.




Can anything be done to stop them seeing my son or reduce it?
I have parental responsibility as on birth certificate.
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#2
Unfortunately, you are in a bit of a sticky situation here, as your ex may have a different point of view from you regarding her parents. Also, when there is a relationship split in the family, it is quite natural for the maternal parents to step in to help, as much as it is for the paternal parents. Your approach hasn't been ideal either and I'm sorry to say you're not doing yourself any favours here by being confrontational. I know it's a tricky time and emotions can fly for a while after a relationship break up. My only advice is to be rational and try and think things through before you act, as it couple jeopardise your access rights. I know the last article you might wish to read currently is.. How to Improve Relations With Your Child's Mother, http://www.separateddads.co.uk/how-impro...other.html. as it is very easy for the situation to spiral out of control and you may end up on the losing side by being denied access, as you are. I can only suggest trying to put your relationship with her back on an even footing, by perhaps suggesting mediation as a way of resolving your issues. With regards to the grandparents, you could take a chance at applying for a Prohibited Steps Order, but I think unless you can prove their care is detrimental to your child, you're fighting a losing battle, especially when your ex will be singing their praises. What you need to do first and foremost is to regain access to your son.
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#3
Hi Para1, welcome.

What a crap situation you find yourself in.

Starting at the bottom and working up.....Can you stop the grandparents seeing your son?......You can, but it's highly unlikely you'll be able to achieve it, especially given the bit you've written about arguing with them. Sadly if this was to go to court based on what you've written it's more than likely that you would come off worse. Irrespective of how they behave or your opinions of them, they are your ex's family and part of her support network. You getting verbally aggressive with them will only go against you, and make them all dig their heels in further and reinforce whatever negative opinions they have of you already. There is none so blind as those that will not see.

Your work pattern is no barrier to you seeing your child, but be realistic in what you can do. Young children do better with stability and routine, and it is the child that is important, not your desires. (Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear)

If you and your ex can't communicate decently then do you have any friends in common who might be prepared to help you get your thoughts across without it turning into a shouting match? Telling your ex to reduce the time your child spends with her parents will only put her on the defensive and you'll have a much harder fight on your hands.

If no common friends who could help then, if I was you, would be to write to her outlining your concerns, keeping it focussed on the children rather than what you want, put forward the positives of your involvement with them. Outlining kids do better with two decent parents, but it takes both of you to work at it for their benefit and put your personal feelings for each other to one side. Don't demand anything regarding the grandparents, ask for what you'd like to happen both short and longterm. Remember if your child sees you both arguing it's the child's self esteem that suffers. It's not a "battle" that must be "won" by one or the other.

If the above doesn't get you any further then the standard route is to offer to go to mediation and if she refuses or it's unsuccessful, then applying to the courts for access. Be aware if you can't agree together then you are unlikely to get joint residency.

Whatever happens from now on, keep yourself squeaky clean, if she can prove a history of hostile behaviour on your part it won't help you one bit once it gets into a Judges chambers.

And finally, for now, look after yourself mentally.....I know not seeing your child rips you apart, a lot of us have already been there before you, but if you fall apart you'll not be much good as a father. Keep your thoughts regarding her parents to yourself, no child wants to see their parents at each others throats. Although you may dislike them, your child might think they are wonderful.....it's granny and granddad to them, the child doesn't and is not capable of understanding the adult world of emotions and conflict.

If you don't achieve a resolution in the short term then be prepared for it to take years, not months to resolve. Court hearings, reports, assessments, these all take time and the wheels of justice never turn that quickly, especially if the ex puts up barriers at every opportunity.

Remember you'll always be your child's Dad, no-one can take that away from you.
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#4
(03-11-2016, 10:37 AM)Norfolk n Good Wrote: Hi Para1, welcome.

What a crap situation you find yourself in.

Starting at the bottom and working up.....Can you stop the grandparents seeing your son?......You can, but it's highly unlikely you'll be able to achieve it, especially given the bit you've written about arguing with them. Sadly if this was to go to court based on what you've written it's more than likely that you would come off worse. Irrespective of how they behave or your opinions of them, they are your ex's family and part of her support network. You getting verbally aggressive with them will only go against you, and make them all dig their heels in further and reinforce whatever negative opinions they have of you already. There is none so blind as those that will not see.

Your work pattern is no barrier to you seeing your child, but be realistic in what you can do. Young children do better with stability and routine, and it is the child that is important, not your desires. (Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear)

If you and your ex can't communicate decently then do you have any friends in common who might be prepared to help you get your thoughts across without it turning into a shouting match? Telling your ex to reduce the time your child spends with her parents will only put her on the defensive and you'll have a much harder fight on your hands.

If no common friends who could help then, if I was you, would be to write to her outlining your concerns, keeping it focussed on the children rather than what you want, put forward the positives of your involvement with them. Outlining kids do better with two decent parents, but it takes both of you to work at it for their benefit and put your personal feelings for each other to one side. Don't demand anything regarding the grandparents, ask for what you'd like to happen both short and longterm. Remember if your child sees you both arguing it's the child's self esteem that suffers. It's not a "battle" that must be "won" by one or the other.

If the above doesn't get you any further then the standard route is to offer to go to mediation and if she refuses or it's unsuccessful, then applying to the courts for access. Be aware if you can't agree together then you are unlikely to get joint residency.

Whatever happens from now on, keep yourself squeaky clean, if she can prove a history of hostile behaviour on your part it won't help you one bit once it gets into a Judges chambers.

And finally, for now, look after yourself mentally.....I know not seeing your child rips you apart, a lot of us have already been there before you, but if you fall apart you'll not be much good as a father. Keep your thoughts regarding her parents to yourself, no child wants to see their parents at each others throats. Although you may dislike them, your child might think they are wonderful.....it's granny and granddad to them, the child doesn't and is not capable of understanding the adult world of emotions and conflict.

If you don't achieve a resolution in the short term then be prepared for it to take years, not months to resolve. Court hearings, reports, assessments, these all take time and the wheels of justice never turn that quickly, especially if the ex puts up barriers at every opportunity.

Remember you'll always be your child's Dad, no-one can take that away from you.

Hi Norfolk, can I ask how hostile behaviour - assuming this is not physical - can be proven? I find myself in a situation where my ex has started claiming, to others, that I shout at her in front of our kids (I don't), and that she now gets anxious when we talk face to face. It feels like a picture is being prepped for future use. Thanks.
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#5
(10-12-2016, 07:03 PM)benson99 Wrote:
(03-11-2016, 10:37 AM)Norfolk n Good Wrote: Hi Para1, welcome.

What a crap situation you find yourself in.

Starting at the bottom and working up.....Can you stop the grandparents seeing your son?......You can, but it's highly unlikely you'll be able to achieve it, especially given the bit you've written about arguing with them. Sadly if this was to go to court based on what you've written it's more than likely that you would come off worse. Irrespective of how they behave or your opinions of them, they are your ex's family and part of her support network. You getting verbally aggressive with them will only go against you, and make them all dig their heels in further and reinforce whatever negative opinions they have of you already. There is none so blind as those that will not see.

Your work pattern is no barrier to you seeing your child, but be realistic in what you can do. Young children do better with stability and routine, and it is the child that is important, not your desires. (Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear)

If you and your ex can't communicate decently then do you have any friends in common who might be prepared to help you get your thoughts across without it turning into a shouting match? Telling your ex to reduce the time your child spends with her parents will only put her on the defensive and you'll have a much harder fight on your hands.

If no common friends who could help then, if I was you, would be to write to her outlining your concerns, keeping it focussed on the children rather than what you want, put forward the positives of your involvement with them. Outlining kids do better with two decent parents, but it takes both of you to work at it for their benefit and put your personal feelings for each other to one side. Don't demand anything regarding the grandparents, ask for what you'd like to happen both short and longterm. Remember if your child sees you both arguing it's the child's self esteem that suffers. It's not a "battle" that must be "won" by one or the other.

If the above doesn't get you any further then the standard route is to offer to go to mediation and if she refuses or it's unsuccessful, then applying to the courts for access. Be aware if you can't agree together then you are unlikely to get joint residency.

Whatever happens from now on, keep yourself squeaky clean, if she can prove a history of hostile behaviour on your part it won't help you one bit once it gets into a Judges chambers.

And finally, for now, look after yourself mentally.....I know not seeing your child rips you apart, a lot of us have already been there before you, but if you fall apart you'll not be much good as a father. Keep your thoughts regarding her parents to yourself, no child wants to see their parents at each others throats. Although you may dislike them, your child might think they are wonderful.....it's granny and granddad to them, the child doesn't and is not capable of understanding the adult world of emotions and conflict.

If you don't achieve a resolution in the short term then be prepared for it to take years, not months to resolve. Court hearings, reports, assessments, these all take time and the wheels of justice never turn that quickly, especially if the ex puts up barriers at every opportunity.

Remember you'll always be your child's Dad, no-one can take that away from you.

Hi Norfolk, can I ask how hostile behaviour - assuming this is not physical - can be proven? I find myself in a situation where my ex has started claiming, to others, that I shout at her in front of our kids (I don't), and that she now gets anxious when we talk face to face. It feels like a picture is being prepped for future use. Thanks.
Norfolk has not signed into the forum for several months. Can someone else please update this thread.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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