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Will this separated dad always hurt me? Dad advice needed!
#1
A little help here please. I am not a separated dad but the girlfriend of one. My boyfriend left his ex girlfriend while pregnant, for reasons I don't need to go into but it seemed to be the right thing to him at the time. We met very shortly after. He spent the entire pregnancy trying to get hold of her to offer support and be the father but he was totally cut off from her in every way.

Since being born, she's been back in contact with him, initially just to go absolutely mental with hate and anger. She's let him meet his son and he now sees him once a month and pays her £200 in cash. He's currently beginning the process of getting all of this done formally so I don't really need any advice on that front.

This week I discovered that in order for him to maintain this 'relationship' with his son for the last few months, he's been telling her exactly what she wants to hear in fear of her taking his son away. This basically was leading her on, making her think that there was some chance he would go back to her. He even tells her he loves her. I read his phone and discovered this and am now distraught. He's telling his ex he loves her. That if he had a time machine he would change everything. Yet he tells me it's all complete lies to keep her in contact with him and he knows it's wrong. He's leading on a vulnerable woman because he's scared.

I've confronted him and he's had a bit of a melt down, admitting he's wrong and he's going to put it right and go formal. He desperately wants me to stay and give him a chance. I don't know if it's worth it. Will he always be this way with her? Does he actually still love her? (He says he doesn't). What do I do?! I love him and I want to support him but will it always end up hurting me?
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#2
(11-23-2016, 01:25 PM)SW134 Wrote: A little help here please. I am not a separated dad but the girlfriend of one. My boyfriend left his ex girlfriend while pregnant, for reasons I don't need to go into but it seemed to be the right thing to him at the time. We met very shortly after. He spent the entire pregnancy trying to get hold of her to offer support and be the father but he was totally cut off from her in every way.

Since being born, she's been back in contact with him, initially just to go absolutely mental with hate and anger. She's let him meet his son and he now sees him once a month and pays her £200 in cash. He's currently beginning the process of getting all of this done formally so I don't really need any advice on that front.

This week I discovered that in order for him to maintain this 'relationship' with his son for the last few months, he's been telling her exactly what she wants to hear in fear of her taking his son away. This basically was leading her on, making her think that there was some chance he would go back to her. He even tells her he loves her. I read his phone and discovered this and am now distraught. He's telling his ex he loves her. That if he had a time machine he would change everything. Yet he tells me it's all complete lies to keep her in contact with him and he knows it's wrong. He's leading on a vulnerable woman because he's scared.

I've confronted him and he's had a bit of a melt down, admitting he's wrong and he's going to put it right and go formal. He desperately wants me to stay and give him a chance. I don't know if it's worth it. Will he always be this way with her? Does he actually still love her? (He says he doesn't). What do I do?! I love him and I want to support him but will it always end up hurting me?

Hi SW134

Sounds like you are in a tough situation, a little similar to my new girlfriend. I too have smiled, gritted my teeth and told my ex what she wants to hear in order to get access, but never regards love or getting back with her. Also, I have involved my new partner by showing her all emails texts etc and discussing my responses before sending them. Maybe that is something you could try? Sometimes you need to go with your gut feeling on these things so no amount of advice will help more than your honest feelings on the situation.

One bit of advice, tell this guy to stop giving her cash immediately!! Make sure anything to do with money is done via online banking so he has records of it otherwise he will live to regret it. It wont be long until CMS get involved, especially if he is stringing her along.  

Not sure of the reasons he left her while pregnant, but you might want to be 100% sure there was a good reason otherwise the same could happen to you. I am sure there must have been, but just saying. 

Good luck and keep us posted.
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#3
Thanks for your reply. He is going to start paying properly. As it stands, he's been trying to comply as much as possible in hope that she'll actually name him on the birth certificate but it's obviously not working and is upsetting just about everyone!

Your advice is helpful even if I should go with my gut, my gut says 5 or 6 different things so I'm reaching out for any sort of similar experiences. Thank you!
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#4
Hi,

there is no way of giving you a fair shot of advise on your situation as nobody apart from you knows this person.

Speak to your friends and family and listen very carefully as they know you best and maybe this man.

If his separation was only recently you need to know what you are getting into yourself. He will always be the father of this child and there will always be a connection between the 3 of them - hopefully!

Take it slow, very slow and give it chance to settle and see where that takes you and your relationship with him. You don't need to get married or make commitments straight away.

It is not the best start and you have done the right thing and confronted him about his text.

If you continue to worry about his texts and you feel the urge to search his mobile then my advise would be to leave.

Take care yourself.
F.
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#5
I'll be completely honest.

Tell him that it can't continue like that and he needs to make a decision and be honest about things.

He can't have it both ways, and if he can be manipulative with her like that, he can do the same to you.
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