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Contact with my Child
#1
Hi There,

Really do not know where to start, but here goes.  Daughter is now 13, 14 in Jan 17, last saw here 29 Mar 16, miss her like mad.  Make daily phone calls and they are never answered, but on 2 occasions (think she answered not thinking it was me) I actually got to speak with her.  Very elusive in her answers, like "don't know and maybe" asked her about school and her friends all ok (so she says).  To be honest it is hard getting information of her to say the least. She blames me for the split over 6 years ago and yes it was my doing, but we had a very good relationship up until Mar last year.  She does however say it is because I keep letting her down, its not that I make a promise to see her and don't turn up.  Just one time my new wife's best friend had passed and the weekend of the funeral (Saturday the funeral), my daughter asked if she could come and stay, at this point I did not know the funeral was on the Sat, so I said yes, I let my wife know that my daughter, (her step daughter was coming) and my wife informed me of the funeral.  I had to call my daughter to cancel the Friday evening pick up but would be able to have her the sunday post funeral and did explain the situation, since then she has only spoke with me twice.  Did I make the right decision and not have her the Friday evening then take her to the funeral?  Lots of other cases of me having to cancel, but have always given alternative solutions.  Confused
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#2
Hi,

I would not waste any more time or thoughts on the decisions you made in the past. You have made those decisions and you had your reasons. The situation is as it stands now and you will have to take it from here.

It is hard to say because I don't know what your contact with your child used to be / look like before but I believe taking the age of your child into consideration it may also be the start of the process where children naturally want to become a bit more independent.

If you call daily this may be perceived as controlling behaviour in that phase of life and the reason why not answered.

At the same time I also believe that your last direct contact has been a very long time ago. What happened during school holidays and contact weekends? Do you not have any arrangements in place?

Do you have concerns that your child is influenced by others to avoid contact with you?

What does keep you from having a direct contact with your child?

F.
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#3
Thanks for the reply, much appreciated, I used to have her during school holidays and every other weekend, but since March last year she always makes an excuse not to come. Have tried speaking with the ex, but as far a she is concerned it is now my daughters choice and decision. Totally understand where she is coming from and as I do not speak with my ex I do not want to push the boundaries, hopefully she will come around with age and independence. I will resist the urge to call and get frustrated/upset that she does not answer and see where that goes.
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#4
(12-18-2016, 12:53 PM)DavyB Wrote: Hi There,

Really do not know where to start, but here goes.  Daughter is now 13, 14 in Jan 17, last saw here 29 Mar 16, miss her like mad.  Make daily phone calls and they are never answered, but on 2 occasions (think she answered not thinking it was me) I actually got to speak with her.  Very elusive in her answers, like "don't know and maybe" asked her about school and her friends all ok (so she says).  To be honest it is hard getting information of her to say the least. She blames me for the split over 6 years ago and yes it was my doing, but we had a very good relationship up until Mar last year.  She does however say it is because I keep letting her down, its not that I make a promise to see her and don't turn up.  Just one time my new wife's best friend had passed and the weekend of the funeral (Saturday the funeral), my daughter asked if she could come and stay, at this point I did not know the funeral was on the Sat, so I said yes, I let my wife know that my daughter, (her step daughter was coming) and my wife informed me of the funeral.  I had to call my daughter to cancel the Friday evening pick up but would be able to have her the sunday post funeral and did explain the situation, since then she has only spoke with me twice.  Did I make the right decision and not have her the Friday evening then take her to the funeral?  Lots of other cases of me having to cancel, but have always given alternative solutions.  Confused

A court will always view it that there needs to be some sort of formal timetable, to be fair to your ex, to plan things as well. While the odd change is normal, if its often it will harm your case.

What I am not seeing, is what if any arrangements are in place, if if there is, how, for example, agreement, Mediation or Court Order.

A key part is going to be the Child's Wishes and Desires. Contact will depend on what you want, but you need to try to make arrangements you can keep to.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#5
Hi,

I personally oppose the view from your ex that it is entirely up to your child if she wants a direct contact to you or not.

Part of your ex's parental responsibility is to encourage your child to have that contact with you. Just to say it is up to your daughter now makes it very easy. I would ask if your ex takes the same stand if your child should attend school or not.

That is something you need to bring up with your ex immediately.

You would need to try to establish a direct contact again. Try to agree a dad/daughters day a month and take her shopping or to the cinema or for some nice food. Try to reconnect and see what is happing in your child's life. Make some time just for you and her. Write her letter after the first contact and tell her how you felt it went and that you would like to do it again.

Don't push it and try to be supportive and open. Be patient, it hurts but maybe you find eachother again that way.

I don't know if that is something for you and/or your child but in my country we have what we call "systemic family constellation". This is done at a therapist and can also be very spiritual.

I did this to help me to emotionally detach from my ex partner. The therapist can look at your relationship between you and your child and give you a starting point to redefine this relationship. It can be done if you go alone also. Maybe something to look into for?

Going to court at that age? I don't know if that will even break more glass?

Best of luck and let us know how you get on.

F.
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