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being treated like a criminal?
#1
Hi all

I'm at the start of an informal mediation process with my ex regarding our daughter who is 6. We had been working really well together but about 6 weeks back things completely derailed and she - along with her mum and dad - effectively removed my daughter from me.

Our vicar - who we both trust and who knows all 3 of us well - has stepped in to try and help / save matters from going to court. However, I'm feeling increasingly upset that I'm being treated unfairly. I was 'allowed' an hour with my daughter on Saturday, under the condition that it wasn't at my house (where she has her own bedroom / toys / clothes etc. and has had for a year now with no problem). We are negotiating a phone for her so that I can call her direct without having to speak to my ex (the best option for both of us) and so that I can send her text messages simply to tell her how I love her.

why is it that I am being treated like I can't be trusted with my own little girl and that my contact with her is something that is so restricted and controlled?

the plan is that my contact time builds up with a view to weekends, holiday time etc. but all the while I'm being dealt with like a criminal / threat to my daughter.

I'm agreeing to things simply because I will do anything to see her / speak to her - but I feel like this is being used against me to manipulate the situation. I'm scared that the lack of contact with her is having an effect and that she will forget about me. sorry for being melodramatic, but I'm sure many of you have had the same feelings.
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#2
(05-03-2016, 09:54 AM)malsmith Wrote: Hi all

I'm at the start of an informal mediation process with my ex regarding our daughter who is 6. We had been working really well together but about 6 weeks back things completely derailed and she - along with her mum and dad - effectively removed my daughter from me.

Our vicar - who we both trust and who knows all 3 of us well - has stepped in to try and help / save matters from going to court. However, I'm feeling increasingly upset that I'm being treated unfairly. I was 'allowed' an hour with my daughter on Saturday, under the condition that it wasn't at my house (where she has her own bedroom / toys / clothes etc. and has had for a year now with no problem). We are negotiating a phone for her so that I can call her direct without having to speak to my ex (the best option for both of us) and so that I can send her text messages simply to tell her how I love her.

why is it that I am being treated like I can't be trusted with my own little girl and that my contact with her is something that is so restricted and controlled?

the plan is that my contact time builds up with a view to weekends, holiday time etc. but all the while I'm being dealt with like a criminal / threat to my daughter.

I'm agreeing to things simply because I will do anything to see her / speak to her - but I feel like this is being used against me to manipulate the situation. I'm scared that the lack of contact with her is having an effect and that she will forget about me. sorry for being melodramatic, but I'm sure many of you have had the same feelings.

Sounds like you need to go down the normal Mediation route, so you can get a letter to make a court application if need be.

Assuming you have PR for her, you are on an equal legal standing as your ex.  Without any formal agreement or court order, either of you is the residnet parent.
You have every right to take your daughter to your home. I think why they are objecting is if you refused to hand her back, even if Police was called, you having PR means all they would do, is a Welfare check, and your ex would then have to go court to get the her back.

The normal contact is every other weekend, and half school holidays, but this would depend on your avaliabilty.

Write to her, by recorded delivery, setting out what you want in terms of contact. Give her 14 days to respond, putting her on notice that after that time, you will instruct a Mediation Company, with a view to court action if an agreement can not be reached.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#3
(05-03-2016, 10:04 AM)MarkR Wrote:
(05-03-2016, 09:54 AM)malsmith Wrote: Hi all

I'm at the start of an informal mediation process with my ex regarding our daughter who is 6. We had been working really well together but about 6 weeks back things completely derailed and she - along with her mum and dad - effectively removed my daughter from me.

Our vicar - who we both trust and who knows all 3 of us well - has stepped in to try and help / save matters from going to court. However, I'm feeling increasingly upset that I'm being treated unfairly. I was 'allowed' an hour with my daughter on Saturday, under the condition that it wasn't at my house (where she has her own bedroom / toys / clothes etc. and has had for a year now with no problem). We are negotiating a phone for her so that I can call her direct without having to speak to my ex (the best option for both of us) and so that I can send her text messages simply to tell her how I love her.

why is it that I am being treated like I can't be trusted with my own little girl and that my contact with her is something that is so restricted and controlled?

the plan is that my contact time builds up with a view to weekends, holiday time etc. but all the while I'm being dealt with like a criminal / threat to my daughter.

I'm agreeing to things simply because I will do anything to see her / speak to her - but I feel like this is being used against me to manipulate the situation. I'm scared that the lack of contact with her is having an effect and that she will forget about me. sorry for being melodramatic, but I'm sure many of you have had the same feelings.

Sounds like you need to go down the normal Mediation route, so you can get a letter to make a court application if need be.

Assuming you have PR for her, you are on an equal legal standing as your ex.  Without any formal agreement or court order, either of you is the residnet parent.
You have every right to take your daughter to your home. I think why they are objecting is if you refused to hand her back, even if Police was called, you having PR means all they would do, is a Welfare check, and your ex would then have to go court to get the her back.

The normal contact is every other weekend, and half school holidays, but this would depend on your avaliabilty.

Write to her, by recorded delivery, setting out what you want in terms of contact. Give her 14 days to respond, putting her on notice that after that time, you will instruct a Mediation Company, with a view to court action if an agreement can not be reached.




Thanks Mark

I'm trying my best to avoid court proceedings as everyone says how expensive that route is, and I'm not sure how it would affect my little girl to be embroiled in all that. My name is mud already, and the last thing I need is the accusation that I 'put our daughter through the court system and upset her even more'.

That said, I am fed up of my wanting not to cause her any upset being exploited and manipulated as a way of excluding me from her life. it's not been a long time compared to some of the accounts I read on here, but it feels like it when I'm sat alone in an empty house with not even a word to say that she's ok.

I do have PR and all of the rights that go with that, and if needs be, I will use the law to make sure my daughter and I have the relationship she deserves.

even with that though, it feels hugely weighted against good dads to say we are only allowed that level of contact. like I said - I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal at the minute.

Do you know how much the official mediation costs prior to any Court proceedings?
Reply
#4
(05-04-2016, 01:26 PM)malsmith Wrote:
(05-03-2016, 10:04 AM)MarkR Wrote:
(05-03-2016, 09:54 AM)malsmith Wrote: Hi all

I'm at the start of an informal mediation process with my ex regarding our daughter who is 6. We had been working really well together but about 6 weeks back things completely derailed and she - along with her mum and dad - effectively removed my daughter from me.

Our vicar - who we both trust and who knows all 3 of us well - has stepped in to try and help / save matters from going to court. However, I'm feeling increasingly upset that I'm being treated unfairly. I was 'allowed' an hour with my daughter on Saturday, under the condition that it wasn't at my house (where she has her own bedroom / toys / clothes etc. and has had for a year now with no problem). We are negotiating a phone for her so that I can call her direct without having to speak to my ex (the best option for both of us) and so that I can send her text messages simply to tell her how I love her.

why is it that I am being treated like I can't be trusted with my own little girl and that my contact with her is something that is so restricted and controlled?

the plan is that my contact time builds up with a view to weekends, holiday time etc. but all the while I'm being dealt with like a criminal / threat to my daughter.

I'm agreeing to things simply because I will do anything to see her / speak to her - but I feel like this is being used against me to manipulate the situation. I'm scared that the lack of contact with her is having an effect and that she will forget about me. sorry for being melodramatic, but I'm sure many of you have had the same feelings.

Sounds like you need to go down the normal Mediation route, so you can get a letter to make a court application if need be.

Assuming you have PR for her, you are on an equal legal standing as your ex.  Without any formal agreement or court order, either of you is the residnet parent.
You have every right to take your daughter to your home. I think why they are objecting is if you refused to hand her back, even if Police was called, you having PR means all they would do, is a Welfare check, and your ex would then have to go court to get the her back.

The normal contact is every other weekend, and half school holidays, but this would depend on your avaliabilty.

Write to her, by recorded delivery, setting out what you want in terms of contact. Give her 14 days to respond, putting her on notice that after that time, you will instruct a Mediation Company, with a view to court action if an agreement can not be reached.




Thanks Mark

I'm trying my best to avoid court proceedings as everyone says how expensive that route is, and I'm not sure how it would affect my little girl to be embroiled in all that. My name is mud already, and the last thing I need is the accusation that I 'put our daughter through the court system and upset her even more'.

That said, I am fed up of my wanting not to cause her any upset being exploited and manipulated as a way of excluding me from her life. it's not been a long time compared to some of the accounts I read on here, but it feels like it when I'm sat alone in an empty house with not even a word to say that she's ok.

I do have PR and all of the rights that go with that, and if needs be, I will use the law to make sure my daughter and I have the relationship she deserves.

even with that though, it feels hugely weighted against good dads to say we are only allowed that level of contact. like I said - I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal at the minute.

Do you know how much the official mediation costs prior to any Court proceedings?
Mediation are private run company's, but have to operate to strict rules. Its a case of phoning round in ones in your local area.
Bear in mind, that sometimes you can get Legal Aid for Mediation still, and they will advise you on this. (When looking, try to phone 1 or 2 who do legal aid, to ensure you get the correct information from them about it).

Acting in person, what a lot of people do if it goes to court does not cost that much. It costs £215 to make an application for a child arrangements order, reduced if you a low income, free if on some means tested benefits.  However, you need a letter from Mediation confirming deadlock, or no show before you can go to court, unless there is child protection, domestic violence or whereabouts not known.

As for the affect of the child if going down the court route, sometimes a Judge will order that both parents can not talk to the children about whats going on, either themselves, or by application by either parent.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#5
(05-04-2016, 01:43 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(05-04-2016, 01:26 PM)malsmith Wrote:
(05-03-2016, 10:04 AM)MarkR Wrote:
(05-03-2016, 09:54 AM)malsmith Wrote: Hi all

I'm at the start of an informal mediation process with my ex regarding our daughter who is 6. We had been working really well together but about 6 weeks back things completely derailed and she - along with her mum and dad - effectively removed my daughter from me.

Our vicar - who we both trust and who knows all 3 of us well - has stepped in to try and help / save matters from going to court. However, I'm feeling increasingly upset that I'm being treated unfairly. I was 'allowed' an hour with my daughter on Saturday, under the condition that it wasn't at my house (where she has her own bedroom / toys / clothes etc. and has had for a year now with no problem). We are negotiating a phone for her so that I can call her direct without having to speak to my ex (the best option for both of us) and so that I can send her text messages simply to tell her how I love her.

why is it that I am being treated like I can't be trusted with my own little girl and that my contact with her is something that is so restricted and controlled?

the plan is that my contact time builds up with a view to weekends, holiday time etc. but all the while I'm being dealt with like a criminal / threat to my daughter.

I'm agreeing to things simply because I will do anything to see her / speak to her - but I feel like this is being used against me to manipulate the situation. I'm scared that the lack of contact with her is having an effect and that she will forget about me. sorry for being melodramatic, but I'm sure many of you have had the same feelings.

Sounds like you need to go down the normal Mediation route, so you can get a letter to make a court application if need be.

Assuming you have PR for her, you are on an equal legal standing as your ex.  Without any formal agreement or court order, either of you is the residnet parent.
You have every right to take your daughter to your home. I think why they are objecting is if you refused to hand her back, even if Police was called, you having PR means all they would do, is a Welfare check, and your ex would then have to go court to get the her back.

The normal contact is every other weekend, and half school holidays, but this would depend on your avaliabilty.

Write to her, by recorded delivery, setting out what you want in terms of contact. Give her 14 days to respond, putting her on notice that after that time, you will instruct a Mediation Company, with a view to court action if an agreement can not be reached.




Thanks Mark

I'm trying my best to avoid court proceedings as everyone says how expensive that route is, and I'm not sure how it would affect my little girl to be embroiled in all that. My name is mud already, and the last thing I need is the accusation that I 'put our daughter through the court system and upset her even more'.

That said, I am fed up of my wanting not to cause her any upset being exploited and manipulated as a way of excluding me from her life. it's not been a long time compared to some of the accounts I read on here, but it feels like it when I'm sat alone in an empty house with not even a word to say that she's ok.

I do have PR and all of the rights that go with that, and if needs be, I will use the law to make sure my daughter and I have the relationship she deserves.

even with that though, it feels hugely weighted against good dads to say we are only allowed that level of contact. like I said - I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal at the minute.

Do you know how much the official mediation costs prior to any Court proceedings?
Mediation are private run company's, but have to operate to strict rules. Its a case of phoning round in ones in your local area.
Bear in mind, that sometimes you can get Legal Aid for Mediation still, and they will advise you on this. (When looking, try to phone 1 or 2 who do legal aid, to ensure you get the correct information from them about it).

Acting in person, what a lot of people do if it goes to court does not cost that much. It costs £215 to make an application for a child arrangements order, reduced if you a low income, free if on some means tested benefits.  However, you need a letter from Mediation confirming deadlock, or no show before you can go to court, unless there is child protection, domestic violence or whereabouts not known.

As for the affect of the child if going down the court route, sometimes a Judge will order that both parents can not talk to the children about whats going on, either themselves, or by application by either parent.

Mark - thank you so much for your advice and for the information. it is a horrible time and knowing that there is good advice out there is a big big help.
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