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Potential Divorce
#1
Hi All,

I'm seriously contemplating divorce, but there is one thing holding me back and has been holding me back for a while now.....my children.

I have a 4.5 year old girl and a 14 month old girl. They are my EVERYTHING and visa versa. Being able to only see them for potentially half the time just breaks me. It hurts me even more to think that some other guy would end up potentially being their 'dad' and my little angles would call them that. It's not that I don't have an incredible relationship with both of them, but they are only little and if someone else ends up spending 50% of the time with them, I wouldn't blame them if they did. But it would kill me inside. Also, the 14 month old might end up not knowing the difference between me and the new guy. She would probably see us as equal fathers.

I realise you have probably been through a lot worse, but I am so sad right now. I can't loose my babies. Can anyone comfort me?
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#2
(01-04-2017, 02:52 PM)ttkk Wrote: Hi All,

I'm seriously contemplating divorce, but there is one thing holding me back and has been holding me back for a while now.....my children.

I have a 4.5 year old girl and a 14 month old girl. They are my EVERYTHING and visa versa. Being able to only see them for potentially half the time just breaks me. It hurts me even more to think that some other guy would end up potentially being their 'dad' and my little angles would call them that. It's not that I don't have an incredible relationship with both of them, but they are only little and if someone else ends up spending 50% of the time with them, I wouldn't blame them if they did. But it would kill me inside. Also, the 14 month old might end up not knowing the difference between me and the new guy. She would probably see us as equal fathers.

I realise you have probably been through a lot worse, but I am so sad right now. I can't loose my babies. Can anyone comfort me?
You have literally just written the same question as me, so i will be following your post closely too and hope we can both get some good advice.
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#3
I can only give you advice from my heart. Take it the advice or dont its choice.

I stayed together for 20 years in an alcohol fuelled abusive (towards me) and adulterous relationship all because I felt my kids needed a father and it wasn't their fault etc etc.

I couldn't have done it more wrong. My ex had an affair at about the 12 years stage, and I even forgave her and moved on, for the kids sake!

My advice, and you may not like it, but it's all I can give, is don't stay together JUST because of them. If the relationship is that toxic, it will move on to them no matter how hard you try, as you can't sort this type of thing out in a quiet room together. there will inevitably be raised voices and the kids will become concerned.

You don't say why you are contemplating divorce, but would a trial separation work. Are you in each others pockets too much. Don't give enough attention?
Is there any way to work through things and work it out?

Don't give up because you can, but do it because you must.
And if that is the only path then don't avoid it over the kids, it will turn out worse in the long run. I found this out to my dismay after trying for another 8 years to make it work, but she was still drinking and fornicating with other men when I was away so I couldn't go on, and it HAD to happen.

If it does will it be easy --no, not in the slightest. It will be the single most gut wrenching heart breaking thing you ever have to do, so don't come to the decision lightly is what I am saying. But in my experience, staying together for the sake of the children, whilst a noble cause, was just making it more difficult.
If it does go ahead, then try to compromise with her, centering everything around the kids, and care. the money and possessions are really secondary to any of your decisions as tangible things like the sofa and TV are replaceable.
You relationship with the kids is not.

I mean that there, as I haven't been to see mine since 2008, at their request. They were a lot older than yours I admit, but I honoured that (albeit due to her poisoning their minds) and hope in my heart they will search me out one day and I can say my side. I made contact with my daugher and it didn't go well and she doesn't speak to me now as I wont give her money for her drug addiction but that's another story!

if it does, then be there whenever you can within reason. But they can and probably will play you both off each other unless your relationship with the ex is good enough to talk and compromise. Mine wasn't and only way of talking was via solicitors. Tough love is a must as they can run riot with your head.

Keep yer chin up mate
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