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Hi and Pre-Seperation anxiety......advice?
#1
Hi All,

Just joined and would like some advice with the mess that is my head at the minute.

I am still married but desperately unhappy. I have been with her about 16 years, married 12 and we have 1 child who is 8.5 years old. Like all marriages we have had ups and downs but the past 3-4 years have been rough. My wife is a recovering Alcoholic and has been for over 20 years. At first i never really noticed as we were going out loads together and drinking together but as that started to settle down she continued drinking more or less every evening. This would lead to arguing and tip toeing around so as not to set off another argument (which would always be my fault). living like that and with the time she went off to her getting drunk at girly house party and didn't come home until 9 in the morning when some blokes came back to the party (this is the only time blokes came back and the only time she didn't), i have kind of had enough. 

i didn't push anything years ago after that night as my kid was so young that they wouldn't of know who i was as a person growing up. We have a great relationship now (me and kid) and i am glad i made that decision so he would know me but i feel the gap between me and my wife is massive. She has tried to quit a dozen times and although she is sober now and seems like she means it (sober a few months) i have heard it all before. I am waiting for the day she picks up the bottle again, which is doing my head in.

She seems to think that the past is the past so lets move on to the future. I am not sure that is ok with me. I feel like the trust has gone and wont be back.

What i am asking in a long winded way is.

- Was everyone else bricking it when they split up?
- How hard is it only seeing your Children 50% of the time? - i know i will get this as she now everything is her fault through drinking.
- Did your children resent you if you were the one who instigated the split?
- Did your kids go off the rails or did they like spending separate quality time with each parent?
- Did you feel it was for the best in long run or do you have massive regrets about splitting up?

its not being alone that bothers me, i kinda like my own company but my head is mashed at the minute trying to do the right thing mainly by my kid and would appreciate some advice.
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#2
Sorry to hear this Northern Viking. Your question is a very difficult one to answer, as each couple's separation is entirely different and the resulting experiences have so very wide ranging variants. Much also depends on your wife and what kind of person she is. Many people split up and apart from a few initial teething problems, have an amicable arrangement with mutually agreed access/care. However, that is in an ideal world and we wouldn't have this forum filled with dads having issues if life ran smoothly. There is no doubt leaving your home and your child isn't an easy transition and this is why many people stay in loveless marriages for the sake of their kids - or wait until the kids are older before they make their move. You have a lot to consider and it may be worth reading some of the issues that other dads have on here and on the Separated Dads website and Facebook page which will give you a good idea of the worst case scenarios. At best, care and financial support is agreed mutually, at worst fathers are prevented from seeing their kids and I'm sure our other dads will agree this is the worst punishment any father can face. What ever you decide we wish you the best of luck. If any other dads have anything to add to this to help Northern Viking, please do.
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#3
My answers (as Admin says each case is VERY different)

- Was everyone else bricking it when they split up? YES massively - was last option but like you got to a point where it was a plausible option

- How hard is it only seeing your Children 50% of the time? - Toughest thing in the world (sorry, i think you expected me to say its great :-( ) but time with my 3 kids now is superb and i can focus on them and not the drama of my ex - i love it when i have them and they have done OK so far (eldest is same age as yours)

- Did your children resent you if you were the one who instigated the split? Don't know yet. Eldest blamed himself in early weeks, although we told him it was not anyone's fault. We sat them down we were splitting and told them we would do everything to support them in this situation ... it was tough to do that .... 48 hours later my ex applied to court for 'sole custody' and to restrict my legal status as a father (this action is not possible in the UK but we live abroad at moment so she's playing the local system to her full advantage - that's scary) - we will go to court and I will fight this so have a superb solicitor - i want shared custody and equal access.

- Did your kids go off the rails or did they like spending separate quality time with each parent? Not sure yet - they seem to like it, having 2 houses - its been 4 months and i guess the excitement has worn off but I'm impressed how well they seem to have coped although we all have our moments! As for time together - we do so much, i have to plan down time so I don't exhaust them out!

- Did you feel it was for the best in long run or do you have massive regrets about splitting up? So far, totally right decision in my case. I'd fallen out of love with her and it was toxic. No-one else involved, used to be great together and now we are not, it just crashed into its natural end. I think its tougher for the lads on here in love and then find out their partner is with someone else - you lose your wife and impact the kids... for me slightly different... glad to be rid of her!
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#4
- Was everyone else bricking it when they split up?
I have never felt so alone, hurt, blindsided and distraught


- How hard is it only seeing your Children 50% of the time? - i know i will get this as she now everything is her fault through drinking.
My ex was not a recovering alcoholic, she just was one. in secret and in my face.
I never once laid a finger on her but over the 20 years, she broke 3 ribs, blacked my eyes numerous times, broke my cheek bone and shattered my eye socket, stabbed me with a kitchen knife, threw a total of for dinner plate sets at me, and then blamed me for it all, in front of the kids, and this put them off seeing me as she screwed with their minds.
I haven't seen them since 2008 because she pollutes their heads and "no contact is desired" is all I hear
However, to add to the mix, I left because I found out she was escorting, and going to swinging parties with other blokes when I was working away and bringing them home to my bed, whilst treating the kids like slaves. I suffered so bad after the split I tried suicide, had two nervous breakdowns and ended up in the priory!
So do I feel bad, yes because I couldn't take them with me, as I slept in the car for a month. But I couldn't go on living with her as she made my skin crawl!

- Did your children resent you if you were the one who instigated the split?
Immensely, but its part of the grand scheme of things and you either let it torment you or learn to live with it. I am building bridges and getting over them.
I got in contact with my daughter 26, who wouldn't stop letting me forget and now we no longer speak because she is a drug addict always wanting money and I refuse.

- Did your kids go off the rails or did they like spending separate quality time with each parent?
They never wanted contact and I have spent no time with any of them

- Did you feel it was for the best in long run or do you have massive regrets about splitting up?
Pain
Thats what it was at first...like being stabbed. Very painful, heals over time but leaves a scar!
I have absolutely no regrets getting that poisonous woman out of my life. I can't do much about the kids as I don't even know where they live, and refuse all contact. She is on benefits and has been since we split, but just wants my money as that's all she has left to throw hurt at me.
She was abused mentally and physically as a child, and I and many psychotherapists and counsellors believe, that she is mentally not all there.
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#5
Before split? The stress of an abusive relationship was killing me or else I would have turned her lights out.
Seeing them 50%? Who said u will get 50%. Just telling it straight.
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