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What the hell do I do now?
#11
My day's been full of ups and downs. Right now I can't stop beating myself up for taking her for granted and destroying a lovely relationship. She did everything for me and I gave very little back. Certainly in the first few months of my son's life. She told me earlier she cried a lot in private because of me and my selfishness, and I had no idea. She was a wonderful, sunny person when we first met, and my depression and self-obsessed personality has wiped some of that away. Struggling to know how to forgive myself - full of self-loathing.
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#12
Hi,

There is no question that a separation from someone you love dearly is emotionally the thoughest thing a human can experience while walking on this planet.

There are some mechanism kicking in our body which are damn hard to control and which will make your mind spin at super sonic speed.

I even feel that a separation from someone hits you much harder than a loss of somebody because you know that this person is still around and you just can not say your final goodbye - you can not draw a line and disconnect from this person.

If you then let the sadness take over your mind it will slowly cripple your body also. It is a fight every day and day after day I fight with myself also. But in moments like this I try to remind myself that god made me complete also and that I really have everything to survive this.

You carry a shitty heavy bag on your shoulders and there is stuff in it which your ex partner needs to owe up to. The things she has said to you, don't carry that weight for her!

Make it symbolic and spirituell and pick something heavy up and then say out loud that you give the things like that you have not helped enough etc back to your ex. Then let go of it and let your body and soul feel that some weight has been lifted of your shoulders. Give that crap back to your ex to carry in her own shitty little bag! It is luggage which does not belong to you!!!

Try to discover yourself and find the inner of you. You may discover that you are stronger than you think. Don't be fooled to think if you were not here it would make no difference. How do we even know what is on the other side and if we would feel any different over there?

You have already created something beautiful and you still can be Dad to your children. No one can take that Dad away from you and that is what will always make you to reach out to them and vice versa.

Step back from your situation and try to accept that your partner has closed this door. The more you fight to break back into this door again the higher the wall goes up.

Try to focus on how to move forward now and set yourself little steps.

Start your inner healing process to re-connect with what you miss the most - your children - and try to dis-connect with what has wrongfully taking possession of your mind - your ex -

You also need to seek some legal help on your situation so that you know where you are heading with all this.

Always happy to talk and help.
Take good care of yourself.

F.
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#13
brocky1972 - woah... its not all your fault... relationships need 2 people

Its common that she will focus at your faults and try and blame you and make you feel bad so she doesn't have to look at her own contribution and justify her actions... we've all been there

She could have taken responsibility and spoken to you about her concerns 6 months ago... but she let it fester in her head and create the negativity

Don't let her make you feel worthless - you've got to be strong for that kid

(01-24-2017, 01:22 PM)brocky1972 Wrote: I don't think I've ever quite lived a fulfilled life, certainly not on my own - even when I've got someone who loves me, I find myself punishing them for it. 

^^^ Awareness is 90% of the solution to any problem.
This insight means you understand yourself and if you understand yourself... then you can work on it!
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#14
Thank you LTCDAD and to everyone for replying. You're all really helping me, genuinely, just by being there Smile

My ex (still have trouble writing that) really is the kindest, most loving person. You're right, she shouldn't have let it fester just as I shouldn't have given her so much to fester over. She didn't realise the effect it was having on her feelings until the sudden realisation that all was lost.

How long do I have to live in the "why didn't I do this, or do that differently??" phase, it's eating away at me. Major breakdown over it last night. I don't really know what to do with myself.

The first few weeks - what did you do? How did you get through them? When did your thoughts start to clear and your emotions settle down? I haven't been able to face work this week and haven't known where to go, what to do.

Thoughts and advice would be good Sad
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#15
Quote:Awareness is 90% of the solution to any problem.

So so true.

Self-awareness and philosophy have really helped me move on, and also to beat stress/depression etc.
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#16
(01-25-2017, 01:08 PM)StartingLifeAgain Wrote:
Quote:Awareness is 90% of the solution to any problem.

So so true.

Self-awareness and philosophy have really helped me move on, and also to beat stress/depression etc.

Where do you find your positivity?

Right now, self-awareness is revealing an unmovable ton of problems and fears. Struggling badly again today.
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#17
I feel so sorry for you.  We've all been in the same boat and this is a great place to chat.

One thing I would say is find time for yourself.  Go out with your mates, play sport, go cinema, whatever you enjoy each week, it will help keep you sane.  I joined a pool team, worked wonders for me.  Instead of wallowing, got out and took my mind of things.

It's so tough, there isn't a time frame as everyone is different.  I am a year down the line and still hurting, but definitely not as bad as those initial weeks.  Keep positive mate.
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#18
Thanks, cannonballtaff. I do hate whinging on but I'm in the worst place I've been in a very long time and you and everyone else seem a lovely bunch. I don't have any strong friendships 'in real life' so I'm feeling very lonely and lost indeed. Having been through something similar (but not quite as devastating or unexpected) before I didn't think this would hit me this hard. But the faces of the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, and the most wonderful 11-month-old son in the world... it's tearing me apart inside. If it weren't for him and my daughter from a previous relationship, I don't know how I'd go on. Such a mess.
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#19
I would suggest counselling....even if it's for just for you. You need the help and support they can offer not only know this situation but for the others things like your depression, anxiety ect. It will go along way to putting yourself in a better spot. Focus on you...and your children and the rest will fall into place
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#20
I'm meeting a psychotherapist later today. I'll post an update on how it goes.
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