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What the hell do I do now?
#21
(01-25-2017, 05:10 PM)cannonballtaff Wrote: I feel so sorry for you.  We've all been in the same boat and this is a great place to chat.

One thing I would say is find time for yourself.  Go out with your mates, play sport, go cinema, whatever you enjoy each week, it will help keep you sane.  I joined a pool team, worked wonders for me.  Instead of wallowing, got out and took my mind of things.

It's so tough, there isn't a time frame as everyone is different.  I am a year down the line and still hurting, but definitely not as bad as those initial weeks.  Keep positive mate.

This is fantastic advice.

For now brocky, no-one is expecting you to feel great, so just let the emotions flow... there is nothing that can really be done until the dust settles.

One thing that helped me was taking mini-breaks each day.  Just focussing on something completely different.  Cycling for an hour.  Playing games.  Reading a book, going for a pint etc...


Sometimes I used to just "act" like nothing was wrong.  Play a game for an hour and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Sounds stupid, but it gives your mind a rest.  Which is what you need right now.

The more stressed you get the worse decisions you'll make, and you'll begin to lose touch with reality. (Talking from experience.)

So, focus on just getting through each day, the future will take care of itself when it arrives.
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#22
I am going to suggest something that sounds strange but it actually does help.......try yoga. join a class. It really does make a difference. I am as far removed from 'being in touch with my feelings' as you can get. However i tried yoga for a while and it made an amazing difference. just a thought!
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#23
(01-26-2017, 10:30 AM)Krapton Wrote: I am going to suggest something that sounds strange but it actually does help.......try yoga. join a class. It really does make a difference. I am as far removed from 'being in touch with my feelings' as you can get. However i tried yoga for a while and it made an amazing difference. just a thought!

Thanks for the suggestion. How would a yoga class be for an unfit, unbendy, ungainly chap who finds being around lots of people (especially new people) very difficult? I do like the idea of it, but the reality...?

C.

(01-26-2017, 08:53 AM)StartingLifeAgain Wrote:
(01-25-2017, 05:10 PM)cannonballtaff Wrote: I feel so sorry for you.  We've all been in the same boat and this is a great place to chat.

One thing I would say is find time for yourself.  Go out with your mates, play sport, go cinema, whatever you enjoy each week, it will help keep you sane.  I joined a pool team, worked wonders for me.  Instead of wallowing, got out and took my mind of things.

It's so tough, there isn't a time frame as everyone is different.  I am a year down the line and still hurting, but definitely not as bad as those initial weeks.  Keep positive mate.

This is fantastic advice.

For now brocky, no-one is expecting you to feel great, so just let the emotions flow... there is nothing that can really be done until the dust settles.

One thing that helped me was taking mini-breaks each day.  Just focussing on something completely different.  Cycling for an hour.  Playing games.  Reading a book, going for a pint etc...

Sometimes I used to just "act" like nothing was wrong.  Play a game for an hour and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Sounds stupid, but it gives your mind a rest.  Which is what you need right now.

The more stressed you get the worse decisions you'll make, and you'll begin to lose touch with reality. (Talking from experience.)

So, focus on just getting through each day, the future will take care of itself when it arrives.

Thanks, man.

I'm getting through my days, somehow, without quite knowing what to do with them. The breakdowns are becoming less frequent. I feel I've accepted what's happened, with occasional lapses, but it's still very painful. Very worried about finding my own place to live - two bedroom flats round here are horribly expensive and I've never been good dealing with my pitiful finances. Reading up on it all though, and trying to calm the panicky feelings I get whenever I think about living on my own.

I've been trying to dive into the graphic design work I do as a hobby, and it's been a useful distraction. The only thing is it's felt like it dams up the crappy feelings and thoughts, and when I stop and realise I've somehow, amazingly gone a few minutes without thinking about my situation, everything comes back at me twice as hard.

C.
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#24
(01-26-2017, 11:17 PM)brocky1972 Wrote:
(01-26-2017, 10:30 AM)Krapton Wrote: I am going to suggest something that sounds strange but it actually does help.......try yoga. join a class. It really does make a difference. I am as far removed from 'being in touch with my feelings' as you can get. However i tried yoga for a while and it made an amazing difference. just a thought!

Thanks for the suggestion. How would a yoga class be for an unfit, unbendy, ungainly chap who finds being around lots of people (especially new people) very difficult? I do like the idea of it, but the reality...?

C.

(01-26-2017, 08:53 AM)StartingLifeAgain Wrote:
(01-25-2017, 05:10 PM)cannonballtaff Wrote: I feel so sorry for you.  We've all been in the same boat and this is a great place to chat.

One thing I would say is find time for yourself.  Go out with your mates, play sport, go cinema, whatever you enjoy each week, it will help keep you sane.  I joined a pool team, worked wonders for me.  Instead of wallowing, got out and took my mind of things.

It's so tough, there isn't a time frame as everyone is different.  I am a year down the line and still hurting, but definitely not as bad as those initial weeks.  Keep positive mate.

This is fantastic advice.

For now brocky, no-one is expecting you to feel great, so just let the emotions flow... there is nothing that can really be done until the dust settles.

One thing that helped me was taking mini-breaks each day.  Just focussing on something completely different.  Cycling for an hour.  Playing games.  Reading a book, going for a pint etc...

Sometimes I used to just "act" like nothing was wrong.  Play a game for an hour and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Sounds stupid, but it gives your mind a rest.  Which is what you need right now.

The more stressed you get the worse decisions you'll make, and you'll begin to lose touch with reality. (Talking from experience.)

So, focus on just getting through each day, the future will take care of itself when it arrives.

Thanks, man.

I'm getting through my days, somehow, without quite knowing what to do with them. The breakdowns are becoming less frequent. I feel I've accepted what's happened, with occasional lapses, but it's still very painful. Very worried about finding my own place to live - two bedroom flats round here are horribly expensive and I've never been good dealing with my pitiful finances. Reading up on it all though, and trying to calm the panicky feelings I get whenever I think about living on my own.

I've been trying to dive into the graphic design work I do as a hobby, and it's been a useful distraction. The only thing is it's felt like it dams up the crappy feelings and thoughts, and when I stop and realise I've somehow, amazingly gone a few minutes without thinking about my situation, everything comes back at me twice as hard.

C.

Any help you need about emotions/finance/dealing with your ex just ask on here or PM me if you want.  Everyone is willing to give advice.

It does get easier mate, believe me and all the others on here and make sure you put yourself first.  Hope you signed up to the yoga class  Big Grin
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#25
She started moving out today. I've got another month on here while I try to find somewhere more affordable to live that could fit both myself, my tons of stuff and two children (when they come to stay).

But mostly, the words I can't get over: SHE'S MOVING OUT. With my little boy. Not far, half an hour away, but still they'll be living somewhere else. Such feelings of grief and anger and confusion and self-loathing and fear about the future. I don't cope well on my own: too many demons and I'm just not good at looking after myself and dealing with mundane stuff like bills. No close real-life friends to turn to, either.

Scared Sad
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#26
I understand this. I moved an hour away from my family and friends to move in with my ex when she became pregnant. Now we've split and are at the beginnings of what's likely to be a bitter child arrangement dispute, I'm living alone feeling cut adrift from everyone I know. I genuinely have no-one to turn to where I'm living and get the feeling my ex is doing her best to ensure the only reason I'm still down here - my baby son - is kept from me and my family as much as possible. It's putting me through the ringer and I'm very alone.

However, there's hope. I'm starting to re-establish the social life with my mates I had that disappeared when I moved in with her. It takes a while to plan because of the travel but nights out are becoming a regular thing. I used to go to gigs a couple of times a week and this is starting to happen again which I'm loving.

I'm finding my time at the gym is increasing despite the lack of motivation owing to my situation. I'm putting in extra graft at work. I actually enjoy treating myself to solo visits to the cinema, or to a restaurant that I simply fancy going to because I happen to be passing. I can go to the pub on a Sunday afternoon and watch the football with a couple of pints. I'm comfortable doing this by myself.

Of course, I'd much rather spend all that time with my son but this is the way it is for the foreseeable. But I've discovered a freedom again that's being filled with pleasures that are starting to distract me from my depression regarding my relationship breakdown and contact dispute.

We're all going to have brutal days where we struggle to cope. But focus on distraction. Treat yourself. Whatever's happened to put us all in this boat is brutal and seemingly unrelenting so we deserve to focus on making ourselves feel better, stronger and ultimately better as fathers.

Think about yourself for a while, distract yourself and a routine will develop that you'll feel comfortable with. Then hopefully you'll be the best dad you can be and move on from your breakup.
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