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Advice Req Please
#1
Hi Folks,

I'm wondering if you could advise on what to do next from the below:

My Daughter is 10 months old & when she was 4 days old my now ex-partner walked out & took our daughter 100 miles to live with her Mum. We had a petty argument (just words) & her mum (biggest control freak I've ever met!!) who was staying for the 1st week gave me the biggest character assination possible. From being present at the birth I was getting bad vibes as I got the impression I was only there because my ex-patner felt obliged. We had agreed on names for the baby inc both my Mum & my ex's Nana's names as middlenames & a double barrelled surname  but when the midwife asked my ex the baby's name to my astonishement the names wasn't what we agreed & also only taken her Surname. Obvoiusly I was in na environmnet where it wasn't right to question this.

I beleive the plan for her to move to her mums was being thought out & discussed before my daughter was born & since then the below is what I'm up against:

1, Straight away her parents put a ban on me entering their house so I'm aleiented from my Daughter straight away/When I do go up I then after book a hotel just to have my daughter inside as opposed to walking round the streets

2, Registering the Birth was all planned to be where they live & she tried to get a reaction out of me regards the names, infact they've been trying to get a reaction out of me to have an excuse so I don't see my Daughter

3, She comes down evryother weekend (on & off) if my daughters ill it always seems to be on a weekend

4, I voluntaily pay money

5, I've now bought a house & she continues to Breastfeed knowing I can't have her on my own plus she now co-sleeps with the baby which is another way of not having her on my own

6, Due to my daughter being so clingy to my ex & vice versa I'm finding it hard to build the correct father/daugher relatonship as she will cry when my ex isn't there or leaves the room (instead of leaving discretly) she insists on making a fuss & again I find thsi all control & upsetting to see my daughter crying!

7, Everything she took I've replaced so my Daughter has the correct things at mine.

The above is a just a small snippet of what I've had to put up with over the last 10 months & she will be due to go back to work soon & I was wondering what advice you guys in similar situations can offer & what legal advice etc. What access am I entitled to as It's all one way & ultimately it's not fair on my Daughter & control

Thanks Smile
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#2
(05-11-2016, 03:27 PM)MPW Wrote: Hi Folks,

I'm wondering if you could advise on what to do next from the below:

My Daughter is 10 months old & when she was 4 days old my now ex-partner walked out & took our daughter 100 miles to live with her Mum. We had a petty argument (just words) & her mum (biggest control freak I've ever met!!) who was staying for the 1st week gave me the biggest character assination possible. From being present at the birth I was getting bad vibes as I got the impression I was only there because my ex-patner felt obliged. We had agreed on names for the baby inc both my Mum & my ex's Nana's names as middlenames & a double barrelled surname  but when the midwife asked my ex the baby's name to my astonishement the names wasn't what we agreed & also only taken her Surname. Obvoiusly I was in na environmnet where it wasn't right to question this.

I beleive the plan for her to move to her mums was being thought out & discussed before my daughter was born & since then the below is what I'm up against:

1, Straight away her parents put a ban on me entering their house so I'm aleiented from my Daughter straight away/When I do go up I then after book a hotel just to have my daughter inside as opposed to walking round the streets

2, Registering the Birth was all planned to be where they live & she tried to get a reaction out of me regards the names, infact they've been trying to get a reaction out of me to have an excuse so I don't see my Daughter

3, She comes down evryother weekend (on & off) if my daughters ill it always seems to be on a weekend

4, I voluntaily pay money

5, I've now bought a house & she continues to Breastfeed knowing I can't have her on my own plus she now co-sleeps with the baby which is another way of not having her on my own

6, Due to my daughter being so clingy to my ex & vice versa I'm finding it hard to build the correct father/daugher relatonship as she will cry when my ex isn't there or leaves the room (instead of leaving discretly) she insists on making a fuss & again I find thsi all control & upsetting to see my daughter crying!

7, Everything she took I've replaced so my Daughter has the correct things at mine.

The above is a just a small snippet of what I've had to put up with over the last 10 months & she will be due to go back to work soon & I was wondering what advice you guys in similar situations can offer & what legal advice etc. What access am I entitled to as It's all one way & ultimately it's not fair on my Daughter & control

Thanks Smile
I am not seeing anything what gives you the right to do direct to court over, except for the name given to the child, and it might be that its to late to challenge it, and also, do you have PR for the baby. PR is obtained by either being married at time of birth, or with you being present and registering the child's birth.

If you do not have PR, ask you ex to amend the birth certificate, and if she will not, you can apply to court. You need PR, to get contact as well as being officially recognised at the farther.

You need some formal arrangements in place, and your best route is via Mediation, as if your ex does not attend or you can not agree, you then have the right to put it in court.

In answer to your points,

1, If its their house, you can not do anything about it. However, if your not even welcome at the door, then your ex is going to have to come up with an alternative place, at handover for contact.

2, She might be trying to provoke you, with a view to getting a none molestation order, so stop you having contact. If you can, have a 3rd party present when you come into contact with her.

3, Sometimes there is sickness clauses in any contact arrangements, however you can object to them, especially like in my case, where I demonstrated to the court that my ex might use it to stop contact. If you have PR, then you also can give consent for any Medical Person, to treat the child.

4, Money does not form any basis of if you have the right to see the child. Assuming you just want contact, your ex can claim for herself and the baby and any Child Support you give is not taken into account for means tested benefit she gets. Here is the link to the calculator, http://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y   . However, in your case, as she decided to move 100 miles away, you can claim a reduction due to the extra costs you now have, due to this move. You might have a case for the Hotel costs to be considered as well. As you will see, it takes into account how much staying contact you have, what is why often ex partners try to stop this from happening. In any agreement, you want to right to review Child Support should you income or any other facts considered in the calculation change.

5, After the child is 1, I think you have a case to use Formula milk for contact.

6, You can address this issue at Mediation.

7, Normally you have a basis amount of things for contact. However, as the child gets older and you get half school holidays, at that point then the child's mums should be sending things, but you must ensure that the go back after contact.

Due to the child's age, I think weekly contact for about 6 hours is the best you will get if it goes to court. From when the child is no longer breastfeeding, then the normal would be staying contact Friday till Sunday every 2 weeks, and half school holidays. Your ex would need to either do 1 of the trips, or meet you half way, or the cost should be took into account when looking at Child Support.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
Hi,

Thanks for your reply & info provided. I'm on the Birth Certificate so do have PR but anything I suggest just gets rebuffed as it appears to me that my ex/her mother don't want me to have the correct influence in my Daughters life & just want to spoonfeed me access which suits them & not what's good for my Daughter & her reelationship with me. It's at the stage where my Daughter dosen't even know who my Dad/Brother & Sister are because of the limited controlled access & what ever I get has to be passed to them also

When you say 3rd party present do you mean someonelese in the room whilst I'm with my Daughter or with my ex? I do believe they are trying to provoke me as without slagging her mum off I know how she operates!
The co-sleeping only started once I bought my house & without trying to be paranoid I'm pretty much sure that started due to me buying a house so it was anothger form of control
Anymore info or advice will greatly appreciated..Thanks again MPW
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#4
(05-12-2016, 08:41 AM)MPW Wrote: Hi,

Thanks for your reply & info provided. I'm on the Birth Certificate so do have PR but anything I suggest just gets rebuffed as it appears to me that my ex/her mother don't want me to have the correct influence in my Daughters life & just want to spoonfeed me access which suits them & not what's good for my Daughter & her reelationship with me. It's at the stage where my Daughter dosen't even know who my Dad/Brother & Sister are because of the limited controlled access & what ever I get has to be passed to them also

When you say 3rd party present do you mean someonelese in the room whilst I'm with my Daughter or with my ex? I do believe they are trying to provoke me as without slagging her mum off I know how she operates!
The co-sleeping only started once I bought my house & without trying to be paranoid I'm pretty much sure that started due to me buying a house so it was anothger form of control
Anymore info or advice will greatly appreciated..Thanks again MPW

When I said 3rd party, this is just to protect you from claims by your ex. Even it its one of your family members it would be ok, its just to confirm that during handover that you have not done anything she could claim to get a none molestation order on.

You need to get formal arrangements in place. Write to her, saying what contact arrangements you want. Give her 14 days to respond, and send the letter recorded delivery. Put her on notice that if an agreement can not be done in that time, you will instruct a Mediation Company.

At Mediation, either an agreement will be reached, or you will get a deadlock letter, so you can go to court. If she does not attend, you also get a letter so you can go to court.

Do not mention anything about Child Support at this stage, as this has no bearing on your right to see the child. Until contact arrangements are in place, do you not know the correct amount to pay, and the arrangements might have a bearing on it, down to your extra costs due to her relocation. By all means give her cash if she needs it for the child and you can afford to, but do not enter into any formal Child Support arrangement until contact is sorted.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#5
Hi Mark,

Thank again for the info & advice. Regards the money I pay my ex, I done this off my own back & it was over a month before she past back details onto me (all documented) so I put the money I was going/willing to pay into a savings account for my Daughter. I currently pay her £150 per month (she's entitled to £200 based on me having my daughter 52 nights a year/my salary) & I had it in my head not to discuss money till relevant access was discussed/agreed. As per what you said does that mean down the line if I have my daughter for more days per week then my maintenance will go down? I don't mind paying what I'm due but in the same instance I'd rather have that money to spend for myself on my daughter whether that's for her everyday essentials or treats like days out!

Ultimately down the line I do want 50/50 access (not for financial reasons) as I beleive kid(s) deserve teh correct relationship with both parents & currently my Daughter dosen't have that which is no fault of mine but having to put up with the out dated laws in this country
Thanks again MPW
Reply
#6
(05-12-2016, 11:59 AM)MPW Wrote: Hi Mark,

Thank again for the info & advice. Regards the money I pay my ex, I done this off my own back & it was over a month before she past back details onto me (all documented) so I put the money I was going/willing to pay into a savings account for my Daughter. I currently pay her £150 per month (she's entitled to £200 based on me having my daughter 52 nights a year/my salary) & I had it in my head not to discuss money till relevant access was discussed/agreed. As per what you said does that mean down the line if I have my daughter for more days per week then my maintenance will go down? I don't mind paying what I'm due  but in the same instance I'd rather have that money to spend for myself on my daughter whether that's for her everyday essentials or treats like days out!

Ultimately down the line I do want 50/50 access (not for financial reasons) as I beleive kid(s) deserve teh correct relationship with both parents & currently my Daughter dosen't have that which is no fault of mine but having to put up with the out dated laws in this country
Thanks again MPW

A few years back in Welfare Reforms the rules changed, and now Child Support is no longer considered as income for means tested benefits.

Therefore, the Resident Parent (who has the child over 50% of the time, and therefore gets Child Benefit) can claim anything for themselves and the child, and they get this all year round.

The other parents Child Support amount looks at their income, if they have any dependent children living with them and then an allowance is made for amount of staying contact, as your supporting the child at a time the state might be helping the resident parent. Sometimes other factors come in to it, like if they have moved, thus resulting in excessive traving costs.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#7
Hi Mark,

So what you're saying is even when my ex goes back to work she can claim child benefit dependent on what hours she will be working & the sum I pay her has no relation to what she can claim only the amount of access i get will determine what I pay her combined with factors such as how much I earn?

Thanks again
Reply
#8
(05-12-2016, 01:32 PM)MPW Wrote: Hi Mark,

So what you're saying is even when my ex goes back to work she can claim child benefit dependent on what hours she will be working & the sum I pay her has no relation to what she can claim only the amount of access i get will determine what I pay her combined with factors such as how much I earn?

Thanks again

The deciding factor on who can claim for the child is who gets the Child Benefit, so that person can claim Child Tax Credit and have the childs occupancy considered as part of a Housing Benefit claim. Therefore, either by way of their earnings or accessing the Welfare Benefit System, they have at least the min amount coming in the law says in their current situation.

Child Support is not linked to what the other parent has coming in, it looks at the other parents,

1, Income (only yours even if you have a partner)
2, Any Dependent Children Living with you, for example, any you have residance of or if you have a partner, they have residance of.
3, Amount of staying contact you have (as you are supporting the Child during staying contact).

Sometimes you can claim for things like excessive travel costs, if an ex partner has moved away.

This calcuation decides based on the none resident parents means, what is a fair amount to pay.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#9
Hi Mark,

You may have gone over this but would you reccomend sorting the correct access out 1st before anything financial. As a priority I want the correct relationship with my daughter sorting 1st as ulimately it's her who is suffering in all this & it upsets me seeing her upset as she's not used to me or my side of the family

Thnanks
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#10
(05-12-2016, 02:56 PM)MPW Wrote: Hi Mark,

You may have gone over this but would you reccomend sorting the correct access out 1st before anything financial. As a priority I want the correct relationship with my daughter sorting 1st as ulimately it's her who is suffering in all this & it upsets me seeing her upset as she's not used to me or my side of the family

Thnanks

The two things are seperate issues.

For you, the priority is getting Formal Arangements in place for contact, but this will have a bearing on Child Support amount.

For your ex, the priority would be getting Child Support in place. Even if by accessing the Welfare Benefit Systems, she will have the min amount the law says to live off. She could force the issuse via CMS, but that would cost her. If your on specking terms then have a chat about it if you want to give her some cash, if not, perhaps a text "do you need anything for the children" , but its not your place to force the issue, as it will only benefit her.

I would never advise you to allow the child to go short, but do not enter any formal arrangments regarding child support without a review clause in it, so that it can be looked again if anything considered by the calucation changes (your income, dependent children and amount of staying contact).

You might be best to make informal payments, but in a way you can prove (bank transfer as an example) bassed on the current calcuation, then once formal contact is sorted out, check what it should be and put that into an agreement, but still keep a review clause on it.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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