Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Breakup, child and house involved, not married, issues seem to be getting worse
#1
So here is my situation, I have a 6 year old daughter, I was not married to ex. I was manipulated out of my house just under 2 years ago and was threatened with arrest if I returned. There is no cause for any arrest able offences to date that I am aware of. I’ve always tried to be amicable, some would say too nice. My Ex and I do not speak. 

Her and her family are a force to be reckoned with and have publicly vowed to destroy me financially and are trying to have me arrested and have made up allegations.
The Family seem to want to stop at nothing, trying again and again to get a rise out of me, which doesn’t happen.  I have never cheated on my ex, can’t understand why they are taking it so far, they have no reason to dislike me apart from I don’t want to be with their daughter.

My ex did not allow me to speak or see my daughter for 7 months until I was forced to take her to court and was awarded all of my requested contact including alternative Christmas. The judge was furious with her and I feel this has made the family hate me more.

We have a mortgaged property in both names, my ex has not paid anything in over a year since I left/was manipulated to leave for various reasons.
I have struggled to keep the bank at bay for repossession, have a Tolata court hearing pending in the next few months.
Since the court date the issues have escalated, my ex records all calls with my daughter in the hope I will slip up, recently on a call my daughter answered the call by saying her mummy says I am a liar and she agrees with her, this really upset me as you can imagine, I know she was coursed into saying it. I retaliated calmly and defended myself,  however further on in the conversation I made a joke about the mother, nothing bad.

My ex has breached the order 16 times so far in 8 months and I have informed her via a solicitor that I will be taking her to court for the breaches, recently after this I received a call from the police saying that they listened to the recording and they warned me not to do it again or there will be legal consequences, by the end of the call when the police officer had all of the facts he back tracked and said we were both at fault, I asked him to record that in his notes and he agreed.
This is obviously in retaliation for letter from my solicitor.  

My ex and her family are really trying hard to have me arrested and have my contact cut.
They are also after the positive equity in the house, they are under the impression I am not entitled to it and even went behind my back to try and have me removed from the mortgage and replaced with her uncle who is a nasty piece of work and has threatened me and been warned by the police not to do it again or he will be arrested.

So this is the easy part… My issue is, I met a new girl, fell in love, got married and have a baby on the way due in April. She is really stressed by this situation, when we have my daughter over they get on really well and she loves her dearly but with the mounting pressure before the pending court case temperatures are rising, sleep is affected and we don’t know what they will try next to have me arrested.

Has anyone been in this situation before? I don’t know what is best to do for my daughter, her mother is using her as a weapon to get to me and I don’t think its fair on her, she should be a happy little girl doing happy things and not being forced to call her dad a liar and forced to believe it.

Do I apply for an amendment to the contact order to postpone contact until the property is finalised to hope this takes the sting out of my ex and her families hatred and wanting to win. Or do I just see her during the day, or do I stay at my brothers house on my contact weekends? I really don’t know what is best for my daughter and my wife and baby to be…
Really tough times hope you can give me some guidance… I’m at a loss…
Reply
#2
Hi

Can offer you a bit of practical advice

You need to build some walls (virtual walls) to protect you and your family (daughter, new wife, new arrival).
When you read your story - its a mess and difficult to see how anyone would be able to cope with that ... tough one for you BUT you need to break it down into chunks.

1. Build a wall around your daughter. All the other stuff is adult issues and your daughter is a child. Make sure the time she has with you is free of that crap and if she says she thinks you are a liar or similar you calmly explain to her you don't tell lies and move on quickly

2. Build a wall around your new partner and baby - your previous relationship is your problem, not theirs and while Im sure she is a lovely girlfriend and want to be involved and help... explain to her that her job is being well for the baby and your going to protect her from the crap that your ex is dishing up.

3.You cant control what other people do... but you can control how you react. Build a wall / get thicker skin around all the allegations etc. Falling out of love is not a crime so dont let them treat you like a criminal

4. You've already proved in court she uses your daughter like a weapon re access. Recording the calls is immature but record the recorded calls if it helps. Keep a record of all events that you think your daughter is being influenced negatively. You seem to have a good grasp of your legal standing and when to go to court... not sure if you can but I'd go again with all this information and have her told off again and again until your ex grows up and acts like an adult

5. Stop telling jokes... especially to your ex... she hasn't got a sense of humor... its one of the reasons your left eh?.... Im guessing but sounds similar to me and my ex. As i once said " I find that funny, you find it offensive... this is why I'm a happier person than you" - that didnt go down well either :-)


6 Stay safe. When the ex has realized there is nothing she can do to stop your daughter having a positive relationship with you she will resort to tactics to get you arrested etc - stay SQUEEKY CLEAN... go and buy a body camera / dashcam pick them up for 60GBP . Do nothing than be nice smiley dad when they see you. Vent on here not in front of ex or daughter or GF
They only carry on with this if they think its working... show them it is not and take the legal route when you have to... if they upset about that, then they can alter their behavior

Hope that helps
Reply
#3
Thanks for taking the time to reply, simple advice but very practical. Smile I'll put it into practice... Really appreciate it...

A couple of other questions:

1. My new wife if reallly struggling with all of this. She is heavily pregnant and even if she wasnt this situation would be difficult enough. Im worried she will become resentful of having my daughter at our home because of all the drama it brings with it... not an ideal situation to bring a new baby into? We currently regularly have my daughter for two consecutive overnight stays every other weekend - in your honest opinion is this fair on everyone? Bearing in mind our house only has two bedrooms so when my daughter is sleeping over we wont be able to use the babys/shared room for the baby - changing/feeding/waking my daughter etc. Does my wife need to suck it up? Or do i need to think about alternative solutions for overnight contact especially while the baby is tiny?

2. Even though me and my wife will make sure my daughters time with us is positive happy time, im worried this wont be continued on the other side with her Mum. Legal stuff and adult stuff aside - how detrimental do you feel this is to her wellbeing and understanding? What is the best way to handle this with my daughter but also what is the best solution to allow her to just be a child and live a happy consistent life ? (She has a very positive and privelidged life with mum and good relationships that side ).

Thanks for your honest feedback!
Reply
#4
Gosh. The ex's family sound dreadful.

My concern is for your pregnant wife. Please have a good heart to heart talk with her and ask her what she wants and what she will not put up with. Her thoughts and feelings surrounding this matter. Else you may end up with another broken relationship.

Tell the ex either she buys you out or the house will be repossessed. Explain at your court hearing hat you don't live there, ex is refusing to pay and you are now married with a baby and that you don't feel you should shoulder the burden alone.

The reality is that this chaos cannot go on and things may escalate if the house is repossessed.

Before stopping contact which is what I think you are considering may be best for all concerned why not try daytime only contact with your child as you don't have the space for overnight stays.
Reply
#5
Thanks Hazy, appreciate your view. There is a court hearing pending regarding the property, so we will have to see how that progresses. I'll be sure to share my experience. Indeed the family are awful, but I am so glad that I made the decisions I did, my relationship with my daughter has never been so good and that makes it all worthwhile.

There is a contact order in place which I faught hard to get, my ex will not allow daytime only contact but I'm hoping my family will support us whilst we get to grips with the new baby.

I'm sure that once the house is resolved the ex will back off as I'm sure she is doing this just for financial gain.

Time will tell but I'm a positive person, ideally we would move house to get more space but my exs actions have destroyed my credit rating so we have to stay where we are for the moment. Hard times.
Reply
#6
Hi, 

Thanks for all of your advice so far, things have however taken a turn for the worse, my ex is manipulating my daughter during our contact calls and is she and her friends/family are intimidating me during pickups and drop offs. I've reported it to the police who can't do anything. I've made the extremely hard decision to not see my daughter, this is controversial I know, but I'm hoping it will be just until the house side of the breakup is resolved in the hope that my ex eases off of my daughter. 

My concerns are, during disclosure through court she is asking for my new wife to produce her financial information as well as my own. My solicitor has refused on my behalf. 

She is currently living in the house we still jointly own, is there anything my ex can do regarding getting additional pay from me or my wife? We were not married but obviously have a daughter... 

I'm concerned now...
Reply
#7
MrCM

Your new wife has nothing to do with this, and as such, they cannot ask her to do anything.

Invis
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
Reply
#8
Thanks for getting back, apparently my ex is applying for a Schedule 1 to The Children Act 1989... Does this change things?
Reply
#9
Can I just make a comment on recording of calls?

I record all my calls at work on my mobile phone, due to training and monitoring purposes.
However here's the rub which I have noticed in your post. You say the police listened to the recording?

Well under RIPA (Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000), and The Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999, It is my understanding that unless a warrant is obtained, then she may not disclose any recording made between you and her, to any third party, without your consent. So, how have the police actually listened to the recordings without your approval. They essentially have broken their own laws as I see it!
Now this is just my perception, but I would think about putting in a complaint to the PCC regarding this as I think the copper may have overstepped his authority.

I would get my own recording app on my phone ( mine is called ACR on Android...maybe something similar for iPhone) . So long as at the start of the call you state, " i am recording this call for monitoring purposes, do you agree to carry on" and they do so on the recording, then you can play this back to anyone you damn well like as they have agreed to it.
I would also get a phone blocker app ( Android I use Extreme Call Blocker) and block any unwanted calls permanently.

I would also take steps to use technology to your advantage, and record by video when you are around the mother just in case something is brought up against you. If she has nothing to hide, then there is no problem bringing things up as evidence now is there?

And use the other guys advice. Compartmentalise everything you do with your kids. Keep them away from the nitty gritty of divorce "at your end". that way your conscience is clear and you did your best. If like my ex chose to, she gets dirty tricks, and poisons their minds, then you will need to deal with this on its own merits.
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
Reply
#10
Thanks Drew, with the amount of grief in my life with the house and not seeing my daughter and the arrival of my new baby, the last thing I want to do it take on the police, although I do agree with you in what you say... When my contact continues after the house is resolved I will start to record everything, although I would have to be physically assaulted with witnesses for the police to take an interest.

I really do want some advice from someone who has been subjected to the Schedule 1 to The Children Act 1989 and what their experience is of this is, I don't have any excess money and my wife is on maternity so we are really up against it at the moment, what is the worst case scenario...
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Child Maintenance Calculator issues Charlie7000 0 323 07-31-2019, 04:33 PM
Last Post: Charlie7000
  Pick up / drop off issues after moving house bobthebuilder 6 1,732 10-17-2018, 03:42 AM
Last Post: Naive
  Issues with Child arrangement order Blastarama 3 2,389 05-04-2017, 06:15 PM
Last Post: MarkR
  Child Counselling/Residency Issues from Child jldr85 2 1,822 03-16-2017, 03:02 PM
Last Post: jldr85
  Married Twice To My WIfe Johankirchner 2 2,006 01-15-2017, 08:25 PM
Last Post: Drew65
  Contact with child issues with ex and her parents Para1 4 5,912 10-12-2016, 07:18 PM
Last Post: MarkR



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)