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A bit of my story
#1
My story
In November last year my wife was arrested for administering a noxious substance, to me - most of the year had been very quiet work wise and I took the opportunity to have two ingrown toe nails fixed which I found easy to have done but the "recovery" wasn't fun, for a surprising amount of time just walking to the downstairs toilet was an effort.

I was away on business when she was arrested, it was the second week long project since about February and I hadn't really wanted to go but had no choice financially - one of the reasons I hadn't wanted to go was it was in a location I don't like but also I was "down" tired, lethargic couldn't concentrate without effort, I'd felt the same on the other weeks project, in fact I'd felt the same for quite a while, on the other weeks project I'd put I down to really bad trip as it was at the time of the Istanbul airport bombing and flights were changed a few times and what had been planned with time to spare became a run from an international terminal to a domestic one and straight to work on landing with severely limited time to do what I needed to do and while I was home I'd put it down to worries about when work would pick up, dwindling finances etc. I did tell myself I should see a doctor but have to be sick for that and didn't see myself as sick, just tired, lethargic etc - anyway once the police called and told me what she had been arrested for, putting drugs prescribed to her (amitriptyline), in my food and drink it started to explain how I'd been feeling and the longer I was not getting fed her drugs the better I started to feel. She has admitted (confessed to police) what she as doing but says it was only for a month, they are doing forensic tests on my hair as I think it may have been longer based on how I felt and think that she may mean she was giving me her amitriptyline for a month and prior to that other tablets such as codeine and tramadol.

When she was arrested the kids were taken into care, I made what I now consider to a massive mistake and finished the project, I should have come home immediately but they were safe and it didn't hit me until my last night there how stupid I'd been not getting the first flight home.

When I got home I learnt that 1) the oldest daughter (13) had been helping mum 2) she'd made accusations against me as to child abuse, I voluntarily attended the police station, requested legal advice which they supplied, discussed the points and as I understand it there will be no further action on this as they consider the incidents to be "life lessons" that she didn't like rather than abuse.

The oldest daughter is still not speaking to me, has refused contact and I'm told tore up letters I sent her - yes I feel terrible about that, we used to be really close, then she became a woman and became "mummys girl", it wasn't helped by my working away quite a bit or by me being the "pushy parent", when I was home I set deadlines for her to be back in the house, I limited where she could go alone or with friends, I wanted to know where she was going, all things her mother didn't do when I was away, the worst thing though was I made her feel nothing she could do was good enough - I didn't mean to and didn't know I was until just before I left on my trip and she was telling me about work she does on a school council and how she was the only one dealing with certain issues - I said "so they've found the mug who wants to do the work and are letting you do it" - she stormed out the room shouting nothing she could was good enough - I was mortified - I meant it against the others the ones not doing the work - after a few hours she calmed done enough for me to tell her that and I made a promise to myself that once I got back I'd do things different and make it upto her - that wasn't to be though.

Right now I know exactly how she feels - the first contact social worker we dealt with did make me feel she was interested in getting the family as back together as much as possible and helping all of us - we've now been passed to an assessment social worker who on every meeting reinforces my opinion she is trying to find a way that she can say it is all my fault, I tried to teach the kids money management that was wrong, I tried to teach them promises must be kept that was wrong - or at least I was doing it the wrong way, and boy oh boy is she fixated on the fact I smoke (as does their mother) she has explained in great detail the current recommendations (20ft away from house or something like that) and I've said that when with the kids, if that happens in the future, I'll follow those recommendations and even try giving up. Right now I think the most irritating one was that the first social worker and I discussed my contact with their schools and agreed it would be better if I avoided that, told the new one last night I'd love to know how they are doing and was told to talk to the school..........I know that they said slightly different things, one was more me physically going to the school the other about phoning them, but I tried to rigorously do as the first one suggested only to be told by the second one I was doing wrong.

Our youngest daughter does have contact with me - supervised once a week in a contact center, I was told I could have two times a week but asked if one could be a phone call instead as she sees her mother twice a week, does various after school activities and I didn't want her "run ragged" trying to fit everything in. I'm comfortable that I did the right thing, though have a feeling it is going to be used against me to somehow show "lack of interest".
I'm told there will be a PLO meeting soon and the solicitor I've talked to says that is when she can start representing me - right now nervous, scared and excited all at the same time - nervous and scared because I think the current social worker is going to make everything I've ever done sound bad, excited because something is happening and I'll finally have a solicitor who'll talk about something other than when one of the meetings that causes legal aid to cut in will happen.

I suppose I could go on for a few more pages, think this is long enough though, so just a couple of bullet points
Ø  Wife out on police bail, one condition is cannot be in home if I am.
Ø  House owned outright
Ø  Wife is not UK citizen, has Indefinite Leave to Remain
Ø  Neither of us have family support in UK
Ø  Married since 2002
Ø  One split since wedding, due to her infidelity which I forgave
Ø  Both kids UK citizens with second nationalities.
Ø  No contact with wife since day before her arrest
 
Finally I am a c**p listener, really bad morning person, and my advise isn't worth a dam -but if anyone feels the need to call a total stranger because the walls are closing in and the pain and worry is driving you mad with no one to talk to - I'll share my number by PM - I know there's been a few times I just wanted to hear another human voice that wasn't on the telly.
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#2
It sounds like your situation is much worse then mine. I truly feel for you but i think your headed in the right direction. Keep your head up.....celebrate all the small victories..every day. Things will get better.
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#3
(01-30-2017, 03:41 PM)Murphy Wrote: It sounds like your situation is much worse then mine.  I truly feel for you but i think your headed in the right direction.  Keep your head up.....celebrate all the small victories..every day.  Things will get better.

Thanks - I am trying

Was ultra down when I wrote first - past miners on the way done - but got a couple of small home based projects since then which not only took my mind off things but reminded me that even if things go totally pear shaped I'll still have a job that isn't badly paid and allows extensive overseas travel, actually often requires it - so best case scenario I tell the people I work for I can't travel anymore, less projects, less money but there will be home based work that should cover the bills - worst case scenario (no contact at all) and I tell them I'm available for anywhere except Ethiopia (came back ill from there - nearly died) - middling scenario and I can do a few short projects between contacts.

Still not keen on the current SS but have asked her to help find me better parenting classes and she suggested counseling to address unaddressed issues from my life - well she asked if thought I had any unaddressed issues and felt I needed counseling and I told her No I don't think that - but I will happily attend counseling if she thinks it'll help me be a better parent, besides I'm not always right.
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#4
Helping yourself will only benefit everything else. I did counselling (i was always the primary parent) not so much to make me a better parent, but to ensure I had my head together after we split. This was i could ensure i was making correct decisions for me, my daughter. Lets face it...you wife tried to poison you....thats a pretty big thing for one to have to deal with. Its definitely something to look into. Keeping busy with a hobby/activities is a great way pass the time...keep your mind occupied.

All i can say is work hard and fight for your kids.....right now they don't know whats really going on so they push back. Fight for them, they will remember someday that their dad loves them/wants them.
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#5
Maybe it hasn't hit yet but the "poisoning" isn't big of my list of things to worry about - it's sort of "silly" - it wasn't tried to kill, it could have, but police etc tell me that she swears that was not her intention - it wasn't even to leave me, as the first SS said it wasn't like my job was 9-5 and home so she'd only have a few hours, Jan & Feb I was away and my wife knew the shortest project I'd be likely to do would be a week away, it was just she was fed up and didn't want me tidying up or doing DIY - the upstairs bathroom really needed / needs work - we bought a repo and it's usable, even with "whirlpool bath" in it - but the walls are uneven due to bad plastering, the paint was thrown at it by the old owners and the lav cistern is the cheapest plastic thing they could find.
A wife who doesn't want their husband tidying up or a better bathroom ..................

I think I've sort of got it - now I'm here, as normal as I get, and sorting things out (tidying up) I'm finding debt letters to her in some very strange places - when she did the "infidelity bit" she decimated the joint account we had - one of the things agreed when she asked to come back was separate accounts - she'd messed hers up a couple of times and I'd sorted them out and had "serious chats" with her about money management - it wasn't that she was short of money, no ones managed to argue that, sometimes the neigbours (we live in a housing association area with many on benefits around us) talked about how much they got / get, normally when they are borrowing something, and she had as much in disposable income as some of them got before they paid the bills - true when I was busy it was from my company for "secretarial work" but I paid the bills, ordered the main shopping on line even when I was away, so hers was for incidentals (milk bread etc) and fun things.
One of the things I found was an overdue bill for some photos she had taken by a professional of her & the kids when I was away - it did p^^^s me off slightly as she told me she won the day in a school raffle - thing is it was a stupidly small amount of money but finding it told me that she THOUGHT I might say No - I wouldn't have, maybe I would have looked for one closer, I may have tried to book through a cash back or "loyalty points" website but I wouldn't have said No.
Then I realized it was that she thought I MIGHT say No - it was rare that I did and normally only on the more complex expensive things she mentioned - like "let's go to Canada and see your brother", even for that one I didn't say No - I said she should apply for the visa she would need and then we'd look to see how long we could afford and how long we could take the kids for as it would need to be in their school holidays - to her though that was a No as she'd have to do something before we could go.

May be the councillor will tell me I'm wrong but right now I'm "comfortable" I could do no more for my wife realistically - if anything I did too much, the house is the one she wanted, in the area she wanted, yes it's our house but I look around and it's her "style", she told me what she wanted and I made it happen, she wanted red walls, black curtains, my input was blackout curtains and to buy the paint & curtains - we needed new windows (they were single glazed when we moved in) she wanted double glazed (it gets cold here) and wood effect surround - my input was energy efficient glass and to buy them and have them fitted.
Did she want more time with me alone - we discussed and No, time for that in future, want to share time with kids - and when the opportunity was there she drugged me .....................
She always said she was scared of turning out like her mother - three / four husbands / multiple boyfriends / "low level" jobs / not much money etc and there is some saying about making what you don't want to happen, happen, sort of subconsciously - she did it consciously.

Right now it is all about the kids - the policeman who interviewed me said the oldest is "mad at the world" and I told him I can see her point. I do worry that the "someday" might be a LONG time away - woke up one night thinking about how a meeting with her when she's in her 20's would be .............but am SURE deep down that both know I love them - just the oldest would prefer it right now if I didn't as that would make her current decision / position easier - I even thought about a letter to her telling her I don't as that I think would make her less "conflicted" / less mad right now and I think would ease her burden - but can't do that partly because ultimately it would give her a bigger burden, I don't lie to them (the SS have said I was too honest with them, but I did try "age appropriate honesty" - eg youngest knows it's better to give a beggar food or drink than money - oldest knows a bit more about why) and partly because it would be VERY difficult for me to do, I think I could if it was best for the long term but think it would take a bit of water boarding and a few nails pulled out without anaesthetic before anyone could convince it would be best for the long term.

My only problem with counselling is my lack of trust in this social worker - had it been the first one I would have taken it as a good helpful idea, this one though turned my request about help to be a better parent into something she could conceivably use against me - at best she handled it badly as I believe it should have been two conversations - he's asked for help to be better parent, let's give him that and introduce the idea of counselling while arranging what he asked for, and I think the "do you think there are any unaddressed issue from your life ?" question is sort of barbed - no answer is "good" - Yes I think there are = you know there are unaddressed issues and did nothing about it - No I don't = you're in denial. I can think of far better ways she could have handled the subject and with her training and knowledge about me I think she at least should have known some of them.
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#6
holy shit. you are in the top 5 for "messed up life". Good luck with the future
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#7
Then see another counselor. You might need to see 2 or 3 before you find the right one. They should be neutral with a side of blunt. And...you need to be 100% percent honest when you are there. They need to see the entire picture...and it takes time when they only get bits and pieces. Please...do not ever tell your kids you dont love them....thats something they will never forget. Right now they are angry....not at you specifically....but they are directing it your way becasue they need someone to be mad at. Mom was arrested, and obviously has some big issues...i would say they are mad at her as well....but their sympathy over rules the anger. Continue to be there for them, continue to make the effort and talk/see them. It will turn around someday if you keep trying.....but if you stop you give them more reason to be angry. It will be a slippery slope knowing how much to put forth and when to hold back a bit.

Don't take this the wrong way...but you are still suffering from denial.....and thats an unaddressed issue. You need to forgive yourself....and eventually forgive your ex. The rest will work out. I was told this after my split.....i never thought i would forgive my ex for cheating......but I did and I've never looked back. It helped me move on and start to build a better futire for me and my daughter.

We all go through really difficult times....and reading some of the stories here it seems like child care/time ect is much more difficult in the UK that it is in Canada for the fathers. There is life after....there is happiness after.....ive said it before, will say it again. Celebrate the little victories everyday.....they add up into something amazing.
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#8
(01-31-2017, 05:54 PM)Murphy Wrote: Then see another counselor.  You might need to see 2 or 3 before you find the right one.  They should be neutral with a side of blunt.  And...you need to be 100% percent honest when you are there.  They need to see the entire picture...and it takes time when they only get bits and pieces.   Please...do not ever tell your kids you dont love them....thats something they will never forget.  Right now they are angry....not at you specifically....but they are directing it your way becasue they need someone to be mad at.  Mom was arrested, and obviously has some big issues...i would say they are mad at her as well....but their sympathy over rules the anger.  Continue to be there for them, continue to make the effort and talk/see them.  It will turn around someday if you keep trying.....but if you stop you give them more reason to be angry.   It will be a slippery slope knowing how much to put forth and when to hold back a bit.  

Don't take this the wrong way...but you are still suffering from denial.....and thats an unaddressed issue.  You need to forgive yourself....and eventually forgive your ex.  The rest will work out.  I was told this after my split.....i never thought i would forgive my ex for cheating......but I did and I've never looked back.  It helped me move on and start to build a better futire for me and my daughter.  

We all go through really difficult times....and reading some of the stories here it seems like child care/time ect is much more difficult in the UK that it is in Canada for the fathers.  There is life after....there is happiness after.....ive said it before, will say it again.  Celebrate the little victories everyday.....they add up into something amazing.

It's not the counselor I don't trust - it's the Social worker - she seems to be coming from a "what did you do to cause this" rather than "what do you think caused this" - the first social worker was very much more "what do you think caused this".

I don't feel in denial - it's happened there is nothing I can do to change what happened and I think little I could have realistically done to avoid it, I could have done all the housework when I was off project, never said anything when the wife overspent but that would have delayed things not prevented.

NOT disagreeing - it's nice to get others perspectives - just saying how I feel.

The forgive the wife bit ..................mmm that I think I agree with to an extent - I feel sorry for her and regret she felt the way she did and regret I didn't see / comprehend / understand how she felt but maybe forgiving fully hasn't happen - and might be hard as we had nine what I thought we were good years after I "forgave" her affair, forgave but not forgot, hence separate accounts.


Don't worry - no intention of telling either kid I don't love them - thought about to ease the burden on the oldest - rejected it as a really bad thing to do as while am sure it would ease her burden right now and also sure it would create a heavier one for her in the future.

Yep - should have taken a leaf out of my brothers book and married a Canadian and moved there - instead went the other direction, moved to her place which was nice and hot - then needed up back in UK anyway - so maybe didn't forgive her affair totally as that made me move back to UK and there are reason I left when I was single - no NOT legal - just "state of country".

(01-31-2017, 05:35 PM)jamesbond Wrote: holy shit. you are in the top 5 for "messed up life".   Good luck with the future

Smile  Nice to have won something. Thanks for replying.
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#9
(02-04-2017, 11:13 AM)jcdutton Wrote: Hi,

It seems to me that you actually might be believing what your wife says. My advice is don't.
My ex was like yours, saying I should be doing X and Y etc.
So, for 1 month I tried it, I did every X and Y she came up with.
It made no difference at all to the relationship. Nothing I would do or give her would even get a "Thank you" from her.
Eventually, I just gave up trying and told her that I thought that she did not love me as "me", and wanted to "change" me.

It turned out to be true, and all she wanted was a child, and she has that now.

Regarding my feelings towards her, I don't know if "forgave" is the right word. I think "disinterested" is more my feeling towards her.

Hi
Thanks for the input
I do believe some of what she is saying because to me it is evidently true - eg she didn't want divorce me, though not so much "me" but that when work is good I earn a more than sufficient amount and even though she couldn't or wouldn't understand the reasons work was quiet she would have known that it would pick up again and we'd be back to me being away and her having a disposable income higher than many of our neigbours have before they pay their bills plus she'd have the ability to call me and have more transferred to her as and when needed, though knowing I would ask why and what he had done with all the money that month. She may not be the brightest, can have a great personality but no one has ever accused her of being "intelligent" but she cannot not know that the days of me funding her are over, the freedoms she had with me being away and popping back between projects are over (even if she got 100% custody she'll have SS watching her) those "I don't feel like cooking - just order take away - hubbys card is saved on the website" are gone and trips out to canal barge we owned shares in or just because I was home and wanted to take them to see something (eg kid learning about Mary Rose, I'm home - we jump in car and go see Mary Rose - 5hrs away so stay in hotel etc) so I really believe she didn't want to divorce me, after all now she'll have to budget, she'll have to pay the electric/gas, phone bills, tv licence, council tax etc all things I did when we were together and she has never done. Her family aren't in UK and are more likely to ask her to send money than help if she overspends and the "nice things" are gone, she had a minimum wage job when we met and no one ever thought she get anything more - not her, her family, friends etc. So she didn't want to divorce me - she just didn't want me around the house for too long.
(It might not sound like it but I'm trying not to brag - just trying to give an indication that she is going to find it hard to have as comfortable life as she did - even if the court orders a good amount of maintenance to her she will have to live within that amount - no more "hubby darling - need another couple of hundred this month and having it sent to her that night)

Forgive her ? I'm not even sure I know what that means - I feel sorry for her, I believe she didn't want to turn out like her mother (multiple marriages - dead end job at 50 etc) but that something inside her told her she would and sort of sub consciously she proved that inner voice right.

I think it is one of things that causing me problems with SS - they expect me to be foaming at the mouth, mad at her etc etc instead I feel sad for her, regret that I couldn't be the person that helped her overcome her demons but accepting that I did everything I reasonably could have done - note REASONABLY - I'm sure some will say I could have done things differently - in the States that's "Monday morning quarterbacking" and to me it's irrelevant, could have, should have, makes no difference - now I just have to make the best of a bad thing and while forgiving her I'm sure is part of it I sort of think I have - I just won't forget - I mean how could I - she will NEVER again make me a meal or a coffee that I drink unless I've seen her make it and while some may say that shows I haven't forgiven her, to me it just shows I'm not that stupid.

As to yours wanting to change you, they do say women getting married walk down the aisle memorizing the sequence "Aisle, Alter, Hymn" but some get confuse half way down and start thinking "I'll alter him". Wink
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