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Introducing new partner - a question
#1
Hi all

I'm five months into separation, (with divorce proceedings getting increasingly nasty from my ex wife). I am with a new partner, (which happened very quickly but she was not the reason for the split). My new partner was a friend of mine for a year before the split and my children knew of her, interacted with her a little, (via me), over Messenger and were excited at the prospect of meeting her as my friend one day, (she used to live in Edinburgh before moving down to Oxfordshire to be with me - hence no prior meeting in person).

My wife is currently stopping me see the children on the basis that she doesn't want them to meet my new partner, even though she knows they had interacted with her a few times before. The children, (12 and 8 years old), know I'm with my new partner, know we are living together, know that we want them all to meet when they are ready and they have both said they want to meet her.

As everything with both the child access and the financial sides of the divorce is getting nasty, I'm trying to placate my ex by saying that we wont introduce my new partner for the time being, (something my new partner is very understanding of, despite it being hurtful). 

So, my question relates to Instagram. My son, (the 12 year old), is now using Instagram and one of the conditions of us agreeing to him using it was that both his mother and I follow him on there so we can see what he's posting. I know that means we still can't see what he's sending as private messages, but I don't ever want to go down that route of going through his messages. 

Because there are four or five photos of my new partner and I on my profile, I followed him, but set my profile to be private. He sent me a follow request months ago, but so far, I haven't accepted because of trying to placate my ex. I'm done with that now and where I haven't seen the children for nearly four weeks now I'm desperately missing them.

The photos of my new partner and I are the usual selfie type pose; so we are standing close together, (cheek to cheek sort of thing), but not kissing. There is one where she is kissing my cheek. We have said in the comments things like 'love you' and used heart emoticons, (OK, so I'm loved up - so sue me!! ;-) ). 

I'd like your thoughts one whether to approve his request to follow me - knowing that he'll see these photos. I don't want to do anything that upsets him, but I'd like us to be connected again.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you.
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#2
Unless there is a court order saying your kids cant see a specific person or there is a welfare risk to your children when they are with a specific person (your ex would need to prove this) ... you can do what you want.

You seem scared of your ex... you probably need to break that pattern or you will live like this for years.

Your relationship with new partner is serious so really your wife has very little say in all this

As for Instagram... minimum age limit is 13 years old so he shouldn't be on it (I know, I know... they all are but one of you may be able to use this against the other ex in court, like them playing age inappropriate games on the PC)

If you want him to be on it and follow you and keep your wife happy etc etc set up another account but why keep your happy life hidden from your kids.

PS - get to court via mediation if she is using your kids as a weapon and denying contact because you have moved on with your life... kids have a right to a quality relationship with both parents and she cant be allowed to set the rules and control access depending on her emotions
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#3
Thanks LTCDAD. You're right, I have been too scared to go against her demands for way too long; I feel that she has been mentally abusing me for years and so it's a very difficult pattern to break. However, with the support of my new partner, friends and strong words of encouragement from the police, social services and my counsellor, I am beginning to realise that she has no control over me any more. I am, of course, still very worried about the children and the effect all of this is having on them. 

Allowing him to use Instagram was a joint decision between my ex and I, made before I left, (I think I even have it in writing in an email, if it came to be that I needed to prove that), and I know he mainly uses it to message his school friends ... probably when they're sat next to each other at lunch! 

We did try mediation, but she is so stubborn that it has failed. At present, I have offered her pretty much the financial settlement she wanted, (we are both shareholders in a business so it complicates things a little bit), and have agreed to sticking to her requests around the children for the time being - however, she *still* hasn't accepted anything. It's incredibly frustrating.
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#4
(02-03-2017, 11:18 AM)chippydad Wrote: Thanks LTCDAD. You're right, I have been too scared to go against her demands for way too long; I feel that she has been mentally abusing me for years and so it's a very difficult pattern to break. However, with the support of my new partner, friends and strong words of encouragement from the police, social services and my counsellor, I am beginning to realise that she has no control over me any more. I am, of course, still very worried about the children and the effect all of this is having on them. 

Allowing him to use Instagram was a joint decision between my ex and I, made before I left, (I think I even have it in writing in an email, if it came to be that I needed to prove that), and I know he mainly uses it to message his school friends ... probably when they're sat next to each other at lunch! 

We did try mediation, but she is so stubborn that it has failed. At present, I have offered her pretty much the financial settlement she wanted, (we are both shareholders in a business so it complicates things a little bit), and have agreed to sticking to her requests around the children for the time being - however, she *still* hasn't accepted anything. It's incredibly frustrating.

Just to back up what the other member said, in law as no Child Arrangements Order Exists, you are BOTH, on THE SAME LEGAL STANDING.

Even when an order exists, at time the court puts the child in your care, its up to you what you do and who they see.

She has the right to do a Sarah's law application, but unless it shows an issue she can do nothing.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#5
(02-03-2017, 08:41 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(02-03-2017, 11:18 AM)chippydad Wrote: Thanks LTCDAD. You're right, I have been too scared to go against her demands for way too long; I feel that she has been mentally abusing me for years and so it's a very difficult pattern to break. However, with the support of my new partner, friends and strong words of encouragement from the police, social services and my counsellor, I am beginning to realise that she has no control over me any more. I am, of course, still very worried about the children and the effect all of this is having on them. 

Allowing him to use Instagram was a joint decision between my ex and I, made before I left, (I think I even have it in writing in an email, if it came to be that I needed to prove that), and I know he mainly uses it to message his school friends ... probably when they're sat next to each other at lunch! 

We did try mediation, but she is so stubborn that it has failed. At present, I have offered her pretty much the financial settlement she wanted, (we are both shareholders in a business so it complicates things a little bit), and have agreed to sticking to her requests around the children for the time being - however, she *still* hasn't accepted anything. It's incredibly frustrating.

Just to back up what the other member said, in law as no Child Arrangements Order Exists, you are BOTH, on THE SAME LEGAL STANDING.

Even when an order exists, at time the court puts the child in your care, its up to you what you do and who they see.

She has the right to do a Sarah's law application, but unless it shows an issue she can do nothing.

Spoken to the social worker yesterday, as my ex is kicking up a fuss about my mental state and my new partners' mental state. MASH inquiry has been all but completed on all three of us, and they are not concerned; which is no surprise to me, (and I'm sure to my ex). I've written to my ex solicitor asking for a swift resolution of this, pointing out that five weeks of not seeing their dad is not in the children's best interests. Hopefully I'll see some movement now and will get to see them again very soon.

Thanks for the advice on here chaps.
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