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Guidance sought as pregnant ex doesn't accept current child
#1
Question 
Hi all

Any help with the following much appreciated.  Here's some background:
  • My ex is 21 weeks pregnant and was dramatic and emotional before the pregnancy exacerbated these traits!
  • I have a child already, aged 8, which my ex has struggled to accept with bizarre behaviour and comments such as: "she's your baggage", "she's your problem" and "that child is nothing to do with me"
  • My ex and I live an hour from each other
A week after my ex and I broke up she announced she was pregnant.  Due to her attitude my initial reaction was concern about how it might affect my current child, however, after a sleepless night of reflection I decided I had to be involved with the new child too and spent three months getting involved trying to rebuild the relationship in order to bring the baby into a stable environment while somehow not excluding my daughter, including going to scans and living with her 80% of the time.  I also had to rise above comments and behaviour I'm certain others would construe as unacceptable while sensitively wrestling with the choice she was presenting between my daughter and the new child.

A kind, wise old friend of mine agreed to help us rebuild things by communicating with us both separately, however, he quickly identified that she had serious long-term mental health issues which were manifesting as resentment towards my child, my family and me.

Sadly but understandably, reconciliation recently proved impossible and a few weeks ago we mutually agreed to cease contact, although that wise old friend kindly left a communication channel open with her in case of future use.

Now, I'm seeking to find out how...

1. to establish the best way for me to get my name on the birth certificate
2. to legally enforce being kept up to date with my child's health and progress
3. to provide financial contribution for the child
4. to ensure the child will be part of my and my family's life in future

I am going to a family planning solicitor in a few days but I cannot afford many visits so would like to be armed as much as possible, hence my endless thanks to anyone who can advise me!

Just want what's best for the kids and to avoid the adults' relationship affecting them adversely as much as is possible.
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#2
(02-05-2017, 10:20 AM)WantBestForKids Wrote: Hi all

Any help with the following much appreciated.  Here's some background:
  • My ex is 21 weeks pregnant and was dramatic and emotional before the pregnancy exacerbated these traits!
  • I have a child already, aged 8, which my ex has struggled to accept with bizarre behaviour and comments such as: "she's your baggage", "she's your problem" and "that child is nothing to do with me"
  • My ex and I live an hour from each other
A week after my ex and I broke up she announced she was pregnant.  Due to her attitude my initial reaction was concern about how it might affect my current child, however, after a sleepless night of reflection I decided I had to be involved with the new child too and spent three months getting involved trying to rebuild the relationship in order to bring the baby into a stable environment while somehow not excluding my daughter, including going to scans and living with her 80% of the time.  I also had to rise above comments and behaviour I'm certain others would construe as unacceptable while sensitively wrestling with the choice she was presenting between my daughter and the new child.

A kind, wise old friend of mine agreed to help us rebuild things by communicating with us both separately, however, he quickly identified that she had serious long-term mental health issues which were manifesting as resentment towards my child, my family and me.

Sadly but understandably, reconciliation recently proved impossible and a few weeks ago we mutually agreed to cease contact, although that wise old friend kindly left a communication channel open with her in case of future use.

Now, I'm seeking to find out how...

1. to establish the best way for me to get my name on the birth certificate
2. to legally enforce being kept up to date with my child's health and progress
3. to provide financial contribution for the child
4. to ensure the child will be part of my and my family's life in future

I am going to a family planning solicitor in a few days but I cannot afford many visits so would like to be armed as much as possible, hence my endless thanks to anyone who can advise me!

Just want what's best for the kids and to avoid the adults' relationship affecting them adversely as much as is possible.

1, Either your ex allows you to be present when she registered the birth, (if this has already happened, re registered with you present), or you can apply to Court for PR. The only defence she can run is the obvious, and if she does, the court will order a DNA Test.

Having PR puts you on the same legal standing, until a Child Arrangements Order (or Consent Order relating to Child Arrangements) exists. Even then, you still keep PR.

2, If she is the Resident Parent, she should still seek your opinion on Medical and Education matters, but she would have the final say.
You need to go on record with the child's Doctors, once the child is born. To do this you need to show you have PR.
Schools often have arrangements in place in this situation, for example my children's schools email me newsletters, let me by photos taken in school and I have a separate parents night appointment.

3, The law of the country is that you need to support your child, until Child Benefit is not longer in payment. That might be the summer after 16th birthday, or the summer after 19th birthday, if the young person remains in "Approved" Education or Training.

I am not a fan of "Family Based Agreements", as the Resident parent goes into them in a no lose situation. Either they get themselves a better deal, or they can put CMS in, who's result will be known to them in advance. http://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Either parent can open a CMS case. Always pay in a way you can prove, with bank transfer being best. Child Support you pay will not be considered as income for any benefits your ex might get.

4, Once the child is born, you will need Mediation if contact can not be agreed. Until a child is 2, no court would award Staying Contact, so you would get 4-6 hours per week, over 1 or 2 days.

From 2 the starting point would be along the lines of Friday till Sunday, every 2 weeks, and up to half school holidays.
You might get mid week visits or stay overs.
Contact will be based on your availability, with your ex's preferred days/times having no bearing on this. It is up to her to arrange and pay for any child care, except in your contact time. There is nothing wrong with you or any of your family babysitting for her, but that would be in addition to your contact time, by agreement between her and the person babysitting.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
This is very helpful - thank you Mark!
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#4
(02-05-2017, 11:42 AM)WantBestForKids Wrote: This is very helpful - thank you Mark!

Just adding more detail.

With this no court will order staying contact up to 2, this is only if its by dispute. This is due to government guidelines on promoting breastfeeding.

If  you both agree, or you can evidence that provision for feeding the baby has taken place with the baby having overnight stays anywhere, it changes things.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply


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