Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Daughters mum mentally ill, unique situation
#1
Hello 

I am in need of some serious advice from the perspective of other fathers, my situation is not typical to the ones on here but I have no regrets as I love my daughter more than anyone.

My daughters conception was from a one night stand. Me and her mother had been speaking through social media for a few days and decided to meet up at a hotel for drinks which  led to unprotected sex and we never spoke or saw each other again after that. At the time I was single and care free, not something I get up to anymore but I am sure a lot of people have had a one night stand. She never tried to contact me once after this and neither did I, she never told me she had got pregnant as a result. She was 19 at the time and I was 22. 

In October of this year I came across her on social media and noticed she had a baby (which shocked me as she looked just like me and looked to be around the right age for if she had been conceived from our encounter which was 8 months). I messaged her, making no assumptions but just to engage in conversation to see if she mentioned anything. We spoke for a while about unrelated things and I said "oh you have had a baby, congratulations". She did not reply for a few days and I woke up with a message telling me I was the father and she thought it was best if we did not talk ever again, she had then blocked my number from contacting her.

I phoned her from a different number and told her that if the baby was mine then I really wanted to be a part of her life. She seemed reluctant initially but I was adamant that I could not have a child with out being in their life and told her I would be a good father if I was the child's father, I asked her if we could meet up and take a dna test and she agreed. I met up with her and my daughter and I knew instantly I was her father, we spent some time together, went out for a while whilst I met my 8 month old daughter for the first time and then we went to the hospital to take the DNA samples. A week later the test came back that she was my daughter which I knew in my heart anyway.


Fast forward to now. I am living in France (I am an athlete) I wont go in to detail as I want the situation to remain private. I rarely get a day off (perhaps once every 2 weeks) I will get a flight straight after training, book a hotel, pick up my daughter and stay at the hotel with her then do something the next day (my day off) and fly back to France that evening ready for work the next day. This means I do not get to see my daughter as much as I would like too and that kills me, her mother will not allow her to come to my house in France even though I have sorted childcare for the times I am at work. 


It seems her mother is just unhappy despite my efforts but she does not know what she wants. I have done so much for her, I give her £1200 monthly in child support, send my daughter clothes every month, spend every hour of my free time with my daughter and have brought her a car so she can get around easily as my daughter has health issues and has lots of medical appointments. She is always causing issues, telling me she wants me out of "her" daughters life and she wishes she never told me, she has told me she will pay every penny back that I have given her in child support if I walk away (which I have refused obviously) she says she wants to be a single parent and its the way she liked it and now i have "ruined" things. I had to get a solicitor involved as she kept threatening to stop letting me see her and I wasn't on the birth certificate, so the solicitor threatened court action and she eventually agreed to give me parental responsibility which I now have. 


I have a girlfriend who I have been with since about 3 months after we had sex (I have no other children). We don't live together (she lives in a different country) She comes down to visit me every month or so (times when I am working) when she does visit me, my daughters mum will become so angry. She will tell me I don't love my daughter and if I did I wouldn't be spending my time with my girlfriend (even though its during times when I am working and she wont let our daughter come to visit me whilst I am working so I couldn't logically spend the time with her anyway!) she tells me I love my girlfriend more than our daughter which I could understand if I was a deadbeat father but I do everything and put so much effort for my daughter for her to turn around and tell me I do not love her! I had some time off at Christmas and returned to my family home in the UK (about 200 miles from her house) I took my daughter to my family home, she met all of my family and we had an early Christmas celebration as her mother had told me that my daughter would be with her and her family on Christmas day which is fair enough so I celebrated early with her. Me and my girlfriend then went on holiday for THREE days (the time when my daughters mum had said she was spending with her and her family so I couldn't see her anyway!) When she found this out she was furious, told me I promised all my days off to my daughter etc and how I was evil DESPITE saying I couldn't see her anyway, I was some how out of order because I went away with my girlfriend. It seems like jealousy to me, I have asked her directly if she want's a relationship with me (not an offer, just want clarity as that's what it feels like) she laughs it off and says no and denies having any feelings for me whatsoever, in fact she says she hates me and wants me gone.  During times we have argued she has commented on pictures on my girlfriend (and even my girlfriends dad's) social media accounts saying that I slept with her again when I went to visit my daughter (which I have not! There has been nothing sexual or romantic between us at all apart from the one night) 


She can literally go from doing all the above and being evil and nasty for no reason to a sweet genuine girl who sends me photos and daily updates of my daughter and makes me cards with daughters footprints etc! She told me she was diagnosed as bipolar at 17, but since then has never bothered to go to the doctors or therapy and is just on anti-depressants which she says do nothing as "she is not depressed" she told me our daughter was conceived during a manic period which is why she slept with me despite hardly knowing me. She says she has intense mood episodes and her moods are always extreme, never normal, she is either really happy, really sad or really angry. She has told me she feels like she has lots of different personalities and that she changes in to different people. She has also told me she feels emotionally unstable and the need to test people, she has said previously that she thinks I am going to end up leaving my daughter anyway so she is seeing how far she can push me before I crack! She is just really not well. She refuses to go to the doctors, I have even offered to pay for a private doctor or therapy but she refuses. She says she can not be open with anyone and she is not able to tell people what has happened in the past to her or her true feelings. She seems like a broken girl and I am sad for her, I want her to get better because despite not having the best of starts to our situation, she is my daughters mother and I know how much my daughter loves her so I care about her in some way too but there is only so much I can do. 


The most alarming things have happened recently. She has told me on multiple occasions she wants me to take custody of our daughter, I have agreed but she always backs out and says she was just saying it as she feels sick (mentally). She has told me she can't cope and that one day she will be pushed to far. She wont go to the doctor as she says they do not listen to her or put her on good enough medication. She says she wants to be sectioned (but she won't go to the doctor to be sectioned and she has no family or friends at all really which is also sad) She also says that sometimes people in her head tell her to do certain things and behave in certain ways (which is very concerning) the most recent has been her sending me a picture of her leg slashed and her holding a knife. She threatens to leave our daughter in places when we have an argument (that she causes, she will cause an argument over the smallest things) She has threatened to over dose and has also threatened to kill our daughter and then herself because she says she want's to be out of pain and she can not cope anymore. She has also accused me of sexually assaulting our daughter (absolutely disgusting and obviously untrue, i still have not got over this accusation, it was said to make me angry but sick in every way)


Despite this, from the outside she looks pretty stable, its only until you get to know her you find this side of her out and I was shocked when I knew she could be like this. She is very independent, my daughter is always well looked after, dresses well, her mother takes good care of her, home cooked food, bathed every night, new clothes every week, they're always doing crafts or going out together. She is a law graduate and on teacher training in a primary school, has a nice home etc and my daughter is in nursery 5 days a week. So on the outside there is no reason for concern but once she get to know her (as I have) it seems there is. I  phoned social services after she had threatened to commit suicide along with my daughter, social services met her and spoke to her and she explained she had bipolar and the wrote it off and said she seemed stable and fine and that there was no further action!) She acts one way to me and then puts on a convincing front to everyone else to make it act like I am lying and on the face of it it seems like that because she seems normal and quite successful considering her age so no one assumes she can behave the way I tell them she does.

I don't want to take my daughter away from her mother, my daughter is in love with her mum. But if something happened then I would never forgive myself and there is no compromising with her as she simply refuses to get help. She has asked me several times to get her sectioned but I don't even know how to go about that. I just don't know what to do, I either leave it, demand she gets help (and perhaps force it such as sectioning) or I apply to the courts for full custody. But full custody does not help her and I feel sorry for the girl and the last thing I want is my daughter to grow up watching her mother in that state.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Daughters reactions to mum Daddywidow 10 10,959 02-28-2018, 04:02 PM
Last Post: Tom_W88



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)