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Struggling
#1
Hi,

I am just back from contact and as much I feel that I have control over my emotions on the bad situation it does hurt me big time every time when the ex sends her lover to collect the children from me.

Does still pain ever go away? How you are dealing with that? I need a hug, I think...

F.
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#2
it does in time

i constantly want to punch my exs new partner but im not gonna give her the satisfaction of holding something over my head
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#3
I've been feeling a similar thing, Frisbos.

While she doesn't have a new partner, my battle in court is just about to start and I've been doing my best to distract myself from the fact my contact with my son is slowly being reduced. I hate the loneliness I feel and the knowledge that my ex gets to spend 24 hours a day with my son and I barely get 10 a week now.

I've been indulging and treating myself, watching films, going out with mates, staying late at work. There's a gap though and it's eating me up.

Find distractions and run with them. The sense of isolation can be all encompassing so focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Be selfish on your own time.
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#4
Hi,

I don't know and up until now for me it was pretty much pure survival. Taking it by the day.

But what comes after survival? How do you turn this around for yourself and how can you focus on yourself again?

I feel like beaten up...

F.
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#5
ME again ..brutal as ever.....

mate, there no easy quick fix for this. the separation and divorce is a complete bung hole of satan and its not easy.

Ill give you a quick anecdote. When I first got into management, my mrs now, who's been in management a long time, said, "doesn't matter what book, course or thing you do, you will have to go through the pain of learning it first hand in your face , there is no other way"
Divorce and separation is similar. there are no easy ways its all crappy and you have to go through the pain. Eventually you become thick skinned and numb to things. For me having had two nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts, clarity was given!.
I learned that there are people on the planet who would miss me, not that I cared, but it would have happened. I learned that the feelings I was experiencing were normal and natural. Anger was a good thing, so long as I utilised it properly and not against someone or thing.

One thing I have learned with my present mrs. is Separate time from each other is healthy. You have some YOU time now so dont dwell on the shitty bits, dwell on the fun time you had during contact with the wee ones. So when the latest dork that drops your kids off does that, rely on the fact that hes just a bloody taxi service and will NEVER be their dad. Say "cheers easy for dropping my kids off safe, and thanks for spending your petrol money har har, saved me a bundle. Gives me more money to spend on MY kids"
Say that sort of thing internally and it will make you feel superior. You are anyway, but you don't feel it hence the reason you do it.

How do you turn this round?
Forgiving her!

Shes got her own demons to deal with. Deal with yours forgive her for whatever happened. Dont dwell on the shit!
Once you have done that you move on. I didn't and I dwelled on it for nearly 2 years until someone asked me If I was obsessed with or still in love with her. I was shocked at that question and when I said whatever gave you that ideas, they said, ....."well you dont stop F***ing talking about her...shut up an move on dude" BEST bit of advice I ever had....I did that, moved on and just got on with my life
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#6
I've woken up on a massive downer today mind. Hungover, awaiting a court date, an ex partner who's becoming more stubborn and erratic by the day and the constant worry of whether I'm actually going to see my son this week. Making things worse by reading threads about CAFCASS acting appallingly, court proceedings lasting forever and the daily depression of 'what have I done to deserve this?'

I'll be an absolute ball-ache to be around today. So I'm spending the morning at work scurrying to make plans for the weekend, arranging time with friends, preparing my case, distracting myself with films, music and sport. But, Christ, it's hard work trying not to spend all day thinking about the situation.
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#7
If it is any consolation, think in terms of it being a temporary arrangement. Make sure your son has a great time and lots of fun when he is with you. 
In a few years when he is older, it is he and he alone who decides who he wants to live with. No court can force a child to live with a parent he/she does not want to live with. That's child abuse. In fact the court may even make an order but can not enforce it if the child does not want to. 

Time flies and before you know it your son is that age. He will stand up to his mom. For now I know it's very hard, but look after yourself because better days are coming.
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#8
Hi,

I have a good and loving relationship with the little ones but the 2minutes of handover with this bloke feels like my ex backstabbing me all over again.

F.
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#9
(03-20-2017, 07:32 PM)Frisbos Wrote: Hi,

I have a good and loving relationship with the little ones but the 2minutes of handover with this bloke feels like my ex backstabbing me all over again.

F.

I know it's brutal and incredibly difficult to do but don't drag the 2 minute handover into - mentally - an hour long handover, then an afternoon long handover, then a day long handover. You'll drive yourself crackers dwelling on it. Make sure you have a plan in place for immediately after your contact - something you really need to concentrate on and takes your full attention away from the difficulty of your handover. Something daft like going to the cinema tends to work for me; I can't sit and mess about with my phone there so no scrolling through pictures of my son to well me up, and with something to focus on for a couple of hours it eases the gap that's there after I drop my son off. I also spend a lot of time with people who make me laugh; the relief of laughter is indescribable in the situations that we're all in here.

Just a couple of examples but try and get a regular distraction in places that force you to take your mind off your situation.
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