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Teenage Daughter not talking to me
#1
Hi,

Any advice gratefully accepted.

Been separated for 11 years, now remarried (been together 10 years Daughter met current wife at 3 and loves her so no issues there.

In September 2016 we booked a holiday for myself, wife and son that lives with us for later this year (Just to note - I have a son of 24yrs old and a daughter of 14 who do not live with me). 3 years ago we saved enough to take all 3 children to DisneyWorld which was great. This time we couldn't afford such a luxury and dont often get the chance at holidays. Her mother always takes her on 1 holiday a year so she will not miss out entirely on a holiday.

My 24yo son is fine that he is not coming on this holiday however my 14 year old daughter was extremely unhappy about us not taking her and has not spoken to me since. I text her every now and again but she ignores me  completely. I tried to go up at Xmas and speak to her - she did come to the door and speak to me but her mother came storming out and told me to leave which I did, my daughter again has not spoken to me at all since this.

My wife has recently text my daughter asking her if she would like to speak to our son who lives with us. She has replied to her saying she will speak to her mum about it as she doesn't know if she should, but she will still not respond to any of MY texts.

I understand she may be upset about not being able to come on our holiday but I do not want this to go on any longer. It's been 7 months since we spoke and I'm at a loss of what to do now.

Anyone had similar experience can offer any advise?

Just to add a note - daughter also doesn't live with her mum either (her mother has taken a job for more money 200 miles away and has moved our daughter closer to me but with her own mother - daughters nana ) I asked her to live with us originally which my daughter had wanted to do but her mother told her she wouldn't speak to her if she moved in with me. Her mother is very manipulative and I think she is fuelling the fire about the whole holiday thing.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks
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#2
Agh!! Teenagers!

However it seems she also has possibly gotten orders from Mum not to talk to you.

So. What I would do is simply send a text saying that you love her very much and miss seeing her and that you would love her to text you anytime she likes.

Then perhaps simply leave it at that and see if she comes round in her own time. She may do this or she may not but as a teenager she cannot be forced.

Perhaps she is feeling abandoned by her mum working away and you not taking her on holiday has added to that. However you must not apologise for this rather you should just explain if asked to that it is simply finances that have resulted in it being this way.
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#3
(03-29-2017, 05:59 PM)Hazy Wrote: Agh!!  Teenagers!  

However it seems she also has possibly gotten orders from Mum not to talk to you.

So. What I would do is simply send a text saying that you love her very much and miss seeing her and that you would love her to text you anytime she likes.  

Then perhaps simply leave it at that and see if she comes round in her own time.  She may do this or she may not but as a teenager she cannot be forced.

Perhaps she is feeling abandoned by her mum working away and you not taking her on holiday has added to that.  However you must not apologise for this rather you should just explain if asked to that it is simply finances that have resulted in it being this way.

Thanks Hazy,

I may have text her once a month since September without any response. I know - teenager eh?! I'm hoping that as she has responded to my wife, she may be coming around albeit slowly.

I really do miss her so finding it difficult not being able to see her. It's frustrating that if she lived with me this would be a very different story - I'm sure she would lock herself in her bedroom for a few hours until she calmed down. Unfortunately it's too easy to simply ignore a text!!

She was very upset when her mum told her she was no longer going to relocate back up here. I do believe however she may have orders from her mum not to speak to me.

Thanks again for your advice.
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#4
If you find it too hard to not text her at all then once in a while text her with something like. ' we are going out to the park for the day, wanna come?' She may then realise that she is missing out on having some fun times.
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#5
This seriously reminds me of my kids when they turned into what can only be described as , smelly, hormonal, indecisive quivering wrecks that hated myself and my then wife, hated the world and anyone who she didn't like or who didn't agree with her and was going to do it her way, you're not my parents, I hate you, I wish I had never been born....person...Ring any bells to when you were a teen?
Certainly does me.

I agree with Hazy, its probably somewhat the mother forcing her thoughts on her, somewhat I think, her age, hormones and puberty, and the feeling of being torn maybe between her mum and you so much that she doesn't want to upset anyone, and "just wants to be left alone" kind of thing?

Id go one further than hazys recommendation by saying "we're off to MAccy dees, if you want to come just text me back, luv ya!"
For me, if you directly ask her, you are putting the onus on her to have to answer you and you feel bad when she does not. She may feel she is obliged to answer you and then doesn't want to and then feels guilty. ....and the whole world is against me I hate this crap...arrghhh...(might be what is going through her head?)

telling her you're going to blah blah, then leaving the question open ended will make her feel like she's wanted, but the decision is hers, in a grown up respectful way, that she doesn't feel the need to answer but can if she feels like it.
Just my opinion there.

She will probably come round, just dont push her into it no matter how much your heart wants you to, listen to your mind on this one
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#6
Hi,

Sometimes going back old school might help to unlock such a situation.

Write her a simple letter, no emotions but with a message that you miss her around. Stick a picture of happy days in there or create something individual...

Getting a letter is almost cool again...

F.
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#7
I have twin 14 year olds - I separated from my ex 7 months ago - one talks to me sporadically (I have learnt not to take it too personally when she doesn't) the other hasn't spoken to me since we separated (we were very close before hand which is probably why I am so vilified now).
I'm not sure what you can do to be honest as it is such a difficult age. Unfortunately modern communication methods don't help as "blocking" is a powerful ally to the teenager when they want to show you what they think of you.
The bad news, I have no idea beyond trying whatever method you can to tell them you love them and miss them - and as others have mentioned - do stuff they may want to be involved in (but you are competing against friends etc.. and you are well down the pecking order).
The good news - she will get older - and will want something eventually - so as long as she knows you love her, are available to her, and will listen to her she will hopefully one day step back into your life. It could turn in an instant - it could also turn off again just as quickly. It is what it is. There is little you can do - I suggest get on with your life (trust me I know how simple this sounds and how horrendous it its to actually do - it's like grieving for the living) but take heart that 14 year olds are quite selfish and us Dads are pretty useless to them right now so just be the best you can be - don't give up - but don't try too hard (don't alienate her further as they can feel harassed pretty quickly) and be ready for when she hopefully comes back into your life. I see a huge difference between late teenagers and early teenagers with regards to emotional growth - take comfort in that - after all I don't think it is easy for anyone with a teenage daughter no matter what your circumstances.
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