Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
First post - issues with Ex being difficult and not sticking to agreements
#1
Sorry bit of a long story here, but once I got typing I couldn't stop..

I have two children aged 7 and 5.  

The relationship was never healthy with much arguing and bad things said and done on both sides, there was an incident of domestic violence when I lost my temper with her in early 2010.  I sought much help for this afterwords attending a 6 month course voluntarily.  I do, of course, accept that I was in the wrong for reacting like this, and I accept that this and other reasons (ie we simply didn't get on) are the reasons we split up.  But I don't accept that it is a reason for her to have full control of my children today.  I had full access to my children for 2 years after this incident, it is only recently this issue has been raised again in order for her to control things. 


We split up in April 2010, I moved into my own rented accommodation for a few months, but still saw the children in the family home most days after work and in the morning often taking them to nursery.

In December 2011 I did move back in for a year as we were getting on ok, but I only ever stayed in the spare room during that time.  There was no relationship really, we just lived together and both spent time with the kids parenting together.

She decided to finally end it, which was the correct decision, and I moved out for good in late Summer 2013 and I initially sore the kids often - they stayed at mine 3 nights per week, we still did family days out sometimes at the weekend, even did a couple of holidays together - all just for the good of the children, never with any intent to get back together.

I met a new partner in Jan 2014 and we have formed a very happy relationship, I moved in with her in May 2015 and we now have bought our own house together.

Also to note, she has a boyfriend who she must have been with for 18 months now, but he does not spend any time with the children, they have met him a handful of times.  Which, again, she tells me is the 'correct' way to do it.

Since I have met her and gradually introduced her to the children, which was all discussed with my ex beforehand, things have become increasingly strained with my ex.  
Without going into every detail, to summarise she cannot cope with the idea of the children spending time with my partner, who has been very good with the kids but been very respectful and not in any way try to act like a mother figure to them.  This has resulted in my ex getting very stressed, which results in constant messaging everyday that at times is abusive and controlling when I can see my children.  She acts like I am a terrible father who should be so grateful for any time she lets me have with the kids.  This has caused stress between all of us, one time when she tried to stop me having the children, as agreed, during a day in the school holidays, all 3 of us had an argument outside her house, well more of a disagreement, with my girlfriend actually acting as a mediator and calming things down, until she agreed to let me have the children.  Since that day she has hated my girlfriend and made things as difficult as possible for us.

We make plans when I can see them, then at the last minute she says no you can have them a different day instead or 2 hours later.

I have been unable to arrange any sensible agreement with my ex regarding access to the children, so eventually involved a solicitor to help me.
We have tried mediation, which she refused to do, then dragged out for months before going to one meeting and saying she wouldn't continue.  So I then tried to set up a collaborative meeting with both our solicitors present, to which she dragged out for 3 months, we then had, made a basic agreement in it, to which she does not stick to at all and just tells me "tough it was not legally binding"
She constantly she makes every decision for the best of the children, but I simply do not agree and I feel her behaviour is having a negative effect on the children and her issues with my girlfriend are being subtly pushed onto my children.
She also has blatantly lied about stuff, for example that her parents do not want to see me, friends have said xyz, all of which I know are lies to suit her unreasonable behaviour.  She also lies saying I do not spend time with my children and palm them off on other people, all of which is nonsense

She also refuses to divorce me saying it is not important to her, and tells our children we are married - but tells me I am a bad dad for telling them we are not married anymore.  My belief is that she does not want to divorce because she is worried I will then marry my girlfriend.

I really dont like making her life stressful, because it just results in access to the children being harder, but I cannot keep on living like this never knowing  when I am seeing the children next because she constantly changes her mind based on her mood that day, it seems.  I currently get to see them 2 nights per week, but even that she changes when she pleases and the collection and drop off times are as she pleases.
If I want to take the children away for a weekend or go on a holiday, it is entirely on her terms, ie only on dates she has agreed.  However she takes the kids out of school, on holidays when ever she pleases and just tells me when they are away.
My solicitor has advised me I have tried everything and only option is court, but struggling to understand how I can afford this and even if it will do me any good in the end, will I spend thousands in court and end up with less access than I currently have?!  

I have been told that the court will still expect parents to be adults and agree things between then, and frankly that it is impossibly with how she is most of the time.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this kind of situation here?  I have really tried every means of resolving things reasonably, but just hit a brick wall every time.


also, just to follow up on this.
As their father I automatically have parental responsibility dont I?
Ie so major decisions such as changing schools cannot be taken without my consent, is that right or do I need to go to court to enforce that?
Reply
#2
(06-06-2016, 02:30 PM)agh100 Wrote: Sorry bit of a long story here, but once I got typing I couldn't stop..

I have two children aged 7 and 5.  

The relationship was never healthy with much arguing and bad things said and done on both sides, there was an incident of domestic violence when I lost my temper with her in early 2010.  I sought much help for this afterwords attending a 6 month course voluntarily.  I do, of course, accept that I was in the wrong for reacting like this, and I accept that this and other reasons (ie we simply didn't get on) are the reasons we split up.  But I don't accept that it is a reason for her to have full control of my children today.  I had full access to my children for 2 years after this incident, it is only recently this issue has been raised again in order for her to control things. 


We split up in April 2010, I moved into my own rented accommodation for a few months, but still saw the children in the family home most days after work and in the morning often taking them to nursery.

In December 2011 I did move back in for a year as we were getting on ok, but I only ever stayed in the spare room during that time.  There was no relationship really, we just lived together and both spent time with the kids parenting together.

She decided to finally end it, which was the correct decision, and I moved out for good in late Summer 2013 and I initially sore the kids often - they stayed at mine 3 nights per week, we still did family days out sometimes at the weekend, even did a couple of holidays together - all just for the good of the children, never with any intent to get back together.

I met a new partner in Jan 2014 and we have formed a very happy relationship, I moved in with her in May 2015 and we now have bought our own house together.

Also to note, she has a boyfriend who she must have been with for 18 months now, but he does not spend any time with the children, they have met him a handful of times.  Which, again, she tells me is the 'correct' way to do it.

Since I have met her and gradually introduced her to the children, which was all discussed with my ex beforehand, things have become increasingly strained with my ex.  
Without going into every detail, to summarise she cannot cope with the idea of the children spending time with my partner, who has been very good with the kids but been very respectful and not in any way try to act like a mother figure to them.  This has resulted in my ex getting very stressed, which results in constant messaging everyday that at times is abusive and controlling when I can see my children.  She acts like I am a terrible father who should be so grateful for any time she lets me have with the kids.  This has caused stress between all of us, one time when she tried to stop me having the children, as agreed, during a day in the school holidays, all 3 of us had an argument outside her house, well more of a disagreement, with my girlfriend actually acting as a mediator and calming things down, until she agreed to let me have the children.  Since that day she has hated my girlfriend and made things as difficult as possible for us.

We make plans when I can see them, then at the last minute she says no you can have them a different day instead or 2 hours later.

I have been unable to arrange any sensible agreement with my ex regarding access to the children, so eventually involved a solicitor to help me.
We have tried mediation, which she refused to do, then dragged out for months before going to one meeting and saying she wouldn't continue.  So I then tried to set up a collaborative meeting with both our solicitors present, to which she dragged out for 3 months, we then had, made a basic agreement in it, to which she does not stick to at all and just tells me "tough it was not legally binding"
She constantly she makes every decision for the best of the children, but I simply do not agree and I feel her behaviour is having a negative effect on the children and her issues with my girlfriend are being subtly pushed onto my children.
She also has blatantly lied about stuff, for example that her parents do not want to see me, friends have said xyz, all of which I know are lies to suit her unreasonable behaviour.  She also lies saying I do not spend time with my children and palm them off on other people, all of which is nonsense

She also refuses to divorce me saying it is not important to her, and tells our children we are married - but tells me I am a bad dad for telling them we are not married anymore.  My belief is that she does not want to divorce because she is worried I will then marry my girlfriend.

I really dont like making her life stressful, because it just results in access to the children being harder, but I cannot keep on living like this never knowing  when I am seeing the children next because she constantly changes her mind based on her mood that day, it seems.  I currently get to see them 2 nights per week, but even that she changes when she pleases and the collection and drop off times are as she pleases.
If I want to take the children away for a weekend or go on a holiday, it is entirely on her terms, ie only on dates she has agreed.  However she takes the kids out of school, on holidays when ever she pleases and just tells me when they are away.
My solicitor has advised me I have tried everything and only option is court, but struggling to understand how I can afford this and even if it will do me any good in the end, will I spend thousands in court and end up with less access than I currently have?!  

I have been told that the court will still expect parents to be adults and agree things between then, and frankly that it is impossibly with how she is most of the time.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this kind of situation here?  I have really tried every means of resolving things reasonably, but just hit a brick wall every time.


also, just to follow up on this.  
As their father I automatically have parental responsibility dont I?  
Ie so major decisions such as changing schools cannot be taken without my consent, is that right or do I need to go to court to enforce that?

You need a "deadlock" letter from Mediation or the letter they provide if a party does not attend. You do not currently have a right to court bassed on what is in this post.

Currentlys your on the same legal standing, but as she has the Children for over 50% of the time, she is considered to be the Resident Parent in the eyes of schools, Doctors and the Child Benefit Office.

It does not have to cost a lot to go court, you can do it yourself.

It will cost about £215, for an application for a Child Arrangments Order.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#3
thanks for the advice.

how difficult is it to go to court on your own without the solicitor?  

my worry is that even if I did go down that route, she would agree to childcare arrangements with the court mediators and they would think it was resolved, only for her to then behave the same again and only stick to any agreement when it suits her.

At the moment I am receiving constant messages about how I or my girlfriend need to apologise for various things, otherwise access to the children will remain to be difficult - she is constantly using the children and access to the children to get what she wants, which is what I find most unacceptable, but struggling to know how to deal with.
We made arrangements when I would see the kids from June onwards, which she has now decided isnt in the childrens best interests, but actually is her not wanting to do it because she is angry with me..
Reply
#4
(06-06-2016, 09:34 PM)agh100 Wrote: thanks for the advice.

how difficult is it to go to court on your own without the solicitor?  

my worry is that even if I did go down that route, she would agree to childcare arrangements with the court mediators and they would think it was resolved, only for her to then behave the same again and only stick to any agreement when it suits her.

At the moment I am receiving constant messages about how I or my girlfriend need to apologise for various things, otherwise access to the children will remain to be difficult - she is constantly using the children and access to the children to get what she wants, which is what I find most unacceptable, but struggling to know how to deal with.
We made arrangements when I would see the kids from June onwards, which she has now decided isnt in the childrens best interests, but actually is her not wanting to do it because she is angry with me..

I done it for my first case. There is lots of information on the separated dads website. You need the Mediation Letter first to gain the right to apply to court. I am not seeing the normal ways round it in your post, for example Domestic Violence, Child Protection/Welfare Issues, extrema conduct or whereabouts not known.

The problem you have, is anything but a court order is only good until someone wants to make a change and the other does not agree to it.

The forms are straight forward but also anyone can help you , maybe a family member or friend, better still if they have worked in the law, but not essential or even your local CAB might help you.

There is a court fee, I think this is still £215, but its free if your on some means tested benefits, and you can get a reduction if your on a low income. For an urgent hearing, you might need a Process Server, what can be from £50 (fees vary, in Milton Keynes that's what I paid, what was for up to 3 visits)

How it works, is you will get a First Hearing, where the Judge sets out what they want, what will be Position Statements. If known to Social Services, a Section 7 report showing their involvement, concerns and work done so far. Depending on ages, the children's "needs and wishes" might come into it, where a Cafcass Officer or Social Worker specks the the children without any parent present, this is normally done in school.

If they Judge things the children's best interest needs representation then they can put a Guardian in (Social Worker or Cafcass) who will also be granted legal aid to instruct a Solicitor for them).

You can ask for an Interim Order for contact be made at at this point, while the case is ongoing. The Judge will ask your ex if there is any reason why you should not see the children, and make a decision on it.

You will go back normally after the reports/statements have been done (3-6 weeks) for Directions. If any details are disputed, then a Finding of Fact Hearing will be arranged.

At any point, if things can be agreed the Judge will normally make an Order by agreement and end the process. If a Guardian is in place, then they need to agree the arrangements as well as both parents. If no deal is done, its set down for a Final Hearing.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#5
thanks, I will speak to the mediators today.  We both went for the initial sessions on our own, but she felt it was a waste of time and didn't want to go again.

My worry still with the court process is that I will go through it all and end up worse off.  My ex works in healthcare and deals with social workers, and says to me if I take it court I would probably end up with contact every other weekend, which is less than I currently have (mon and fri nights/ sat day).  Obviously she is just saying that to scare me off, but maybe she is right!  She understands social workers and the system and maybe this would give her an advantage, I dont know
Reply
#6
(06-07-2016, 09:13 AM)aj2016 Wrote: thanks, I will speak to the mediators today.  We both went for the initial sessions on our own, but she felt it was a waste of time and didn't want to go again.

My worry still with the court process is that I will go through it all and end up worse off.  My ex works in healthcare and deals with social workers, and says to me if I take it court I would probably end up with contact every other weekend, which is less than I currently have (mon and fri nights/ sat day).  Obviously she is just saying that to scare me off, but maybe she is right!  She understands social workers and the system and maybe this would give her an advantage, I dont know

Bear in mind, anything that is put into a report they have to prove, and while you get Ordered to file your on Statement, you have the right ot respond to anything anyone else files. Your court local protocol will set out timescales for this, but its normally 9am the Day before any Hearing.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#7
[quote pid='1671' dateline='1465291665']

I have requested my statement that mediation failed.

I have today spoken to cafcass and received advice, although it was mostly along the lines of try and reach a parenting agreement with your ex etc - this is what I have been trying to do for past 2 years and she refuses and even things we have agreed she goes back on.

I have spoken to her today to try and arrange a weekend I could have the children and a long weekend in October half term, to which she just replies you can have thursday or a monday, when she knows I want to take the children away for a few days so I would need the friday off as well - all I get is tough, that is my day off and then she blocks me from speaking to her anymore.  It is constantly impossible to arrange anything, I just dont see what else could help apart from the courts, if she is not being reasonable, or am I expecting too much?

She argues she is the primary carer so she should control things, but she is only the primary carer because she has controlled how much contact I have had!
[/quote]
Reply
#8
(06-07-2016, 12:37 PM)aj2016 Wrote: [quote pid='1671' dateline='1465291665']

I have requested my statement that mediation failed.

I have today spoken to cafcass and received advice, although it was mostly along the lines of try and reach a parenting agreement with your ex etc - this is what I have been trying to do for past 2 years and she refuses and even things we have agreed she goes back on.

I have spoken to her today to try and arrange a weekend I could have the children and a long weekend in October half term, to which she just replies you can have thursday or a monday, when she knows I want to take the children away for a few days so I would need the friday off as well - all I get is tough, that is my day off and then she blocks me from speaking to her anymore.  It is constantly impossible to arrange anything, I just dont see what else could help apart from the courts, if she is not being reasonable, or am I expecting too much?

She argues she is the primary carer so she should control things, but she is only the primary carer because she has controlled how much contact I have had!

[/quote]
You are having some of the same issues as I am, what is why in my current application I am asking for defined dates.  The "half school holidays" is not working, as she it not letting me know. Last year I had to change my holiday booking and even then it cost me £200 more.

Put it in your Position Statment that she is obstructing you making arrangments.

If you want to book something for October, at your first hearing, as for an order in relation to it, so you can book and get the best price as near the time it goes up.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#9
(06-07-2016, 12:48 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(06-07-2016, 12:37 PM)aj2016 Wrote: [quote pid='1671' dateline='1465291665']

I have requested my statement that mediation failed.

I have today spoken to cafcass and received advice, although it was mostly along the lines of try and reach a parenting agreement with your ex etc - this is what I have been trying to do for past 2 years and she refuses and even things we have agreed she goes back on.

I have spoken to her today to try and arrange a weekend I could have the children and a long weekend in October half term, to which she just replies you can have thursday or a monday, when she knows I want to take the children away for a few days so I would need the friday off as well - all I get is tough, that is my day off and then she blocks me from speaking to her anymore.  It is constantly impossible to arrange anything, I just dont see what else could help apart from the courts, if she is not being reasonable, or am I expecting too much?

She argues she is the primary carer so she should control things, but she is only the primary carer because she has controlled how much contact I have had!
You are having some of the same issues as I am, what is why in my current application I am asking for defined dates.  The "half school holidays" is not working, as she it not letting me know. Last year I had to change my holiday booking and even then it cost me £200 more.

Put it in your Position Statment that she is obstructing you making arrangments.

If you want to book something for October, at your first hearing, as for an order in relation to it, so you can book and get the best price as near the time it goes up.


she constantly complains that is unfair the she has to arrange all the childcare in school holidays, but when I say fine give me 2 or 3 weeks and I'll arrange the childcare I need, she refuses saying I will use unsuitable people (anyone she doesn't know is deemed unsuitable in her view).

She would argue that she has always allowed me time with the kids and weekends or a week away with them, the issue I have is that it is extremely difficult to organise when.  I was 'allowed' to take them camping earlier in the years for 3 nights, but that was only allowed for that amount of time because she has wanted to go away at the same time with her boyfriend
[/quote]
Reply
#10
(06-07-2016, 01:03 PM)aj2016 Wrote:
(06-07-2016, 12:48 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(06-07-2016, 12:37 PM)aj2016 Wrote: [quote pid='1671' dateline='1465291665']

I have requested my statement that mediation failed.

I have today spoken to cafcass and received advice, although it was mostly along the lines of try and reach a parenting agreement with your ex etc - this is what I have been trying to do for past 2 years and she refuses and even things we have agreed she goes back on.

I have spoken to her today to try and arrange a weekend I could have the children and a long weekend in October half term, to which she just replies you can have thursday or a monday, when she knows I want to take the children away for a few days so I would need the friday off as well - all I get is tough, that is my day off and then she blocks me from speaking to her anymore.  It is constantly impossible to arrange anything, I just dont see what else could help apart from the courts, if she is not being reasonable, or am I expecting too much?

She argues she is the primary carer so she should control things, but she is only the primary carer because she has controlled how much contact I have had!
You are having some of the same issues as I am, what is why in my current application I am asking for defined dates.  The "half school holidays" is not working, as she it not letting me know. Last year I had to change my holiday booking and even then it cost me £200 more.

Put it in your Position Statment that she is obstructing you making arrangments.

If you want to book something for October, at your first hearing, as for an order in relation to it, so you can book and get the best price as near the time it goes up.


she constantly complains that is unfair the she has to arrange all the childcare in school holidays, but when I say fine give me 2 or 3 weeks and I'll arrange the childcare I need, she refuses saying I will use unsuitable people (anyone she doesn't know is deemed unsuitable in her view).

She would argue that she has always allowed me time with the kids and weekends or a week away with them, the issue I have is that it is extremely difficult to organise when.  I was 'allowed' to take them camping earlier in the years for 3 nights, but that was only allowed for that amount of time because she has wanted to go away at the same time with her boyfriend

[/quote]

Normally you would get Half School Holidays on a Child Arrangments Order if you asked for it.

If your ex is getting Working Tax Credit she might depending on her income, be able to get 70% of "aproved" child care costs paid. This might be a Registered Child  Minder or an organisation that is Ofstead Registered. If there are any local afterschool clubs near you, often they provide daytime facilitys during school holidays, what do not cost that much even if you can not claim some of it via Tax Credits.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  False allegations, alcohol testing, breach of agreements and Cafcass - feeling lost! Londoniandad 4 425 07-06-2018, 11:57 AM
Last Post: invisibleintellectual
  Agreements/legally binding/court order Naive 4 950 01-25-2018, 02:01 PM
Last Post: invisibleintellectual
  MOTHER NOT STICKING TO SHARED CARE Pdaddy 11 2,180 01-17-2018, 08:25 PM
Last Post: MarkR
  Conduct agreements in mediation Naive 3 999 11-21-2017, 12:38 PM
Last Post: Tamagoto
  Time schedule examples of 50/50 shared care agreements mcnl 1 1,061 03-21-2017, 08:34 AM
Last Post: LTCDAD
  Emotionally abusive ex making life difficult. simonomen 1 1,372 12-26-2016, 06:58 AM
Last Post: MarkR
  Ex being difficult, checking my rights Andy1 2 2,054 08-17-2016, 11:05 PM
Last Post: MarkR



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)