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ACCESS AND MOTHERS WHO SEEK TO STOP CONNECTING WITH FATHERS
#1
I have been separated from my sons mother since 2011 and have not lived with her in the same property since March 2012. My son was born in March 2010. 

During this time and up until 2015 my son was living with me for 3 nights a week minimum. 
Since 2016 I have reduced this to 1 night and a day. This being Friday and Saturday until 5 or 6pm. 

2 weeks ago I told my son off for doing something he should not have done. 
His punishment was to sit in a chair - count to 70 and think about what he has done. 
This is actually the only the Third time I have ever shouted at him in his entire 7 years of existence. 
All was sorted and we had a hug and moved on. I then took him for a picnic and went swimming in the afternoon. Even taking pictures of him in the pool which I sent to his mother on the same day. The reason I did this is for the first time my son was totally swimming of his own accord and without any swimming aids. After food and swimming I then took him back to his mothers on Saturday evening. 

On Sunday I received a Text to say she needed to speak to me with regards to my son. 

I phoned 3 times and texted her. She did not reply. I spoke to her partner who said my son was fine and he would get my ex to call me back. She then replied by text and said it was about my son. 

During this time I was out of my head with worry but assumed all was OK her text read to meet somewhere on Tuesday (6th June 2017). 

So after 3 days of her not telling me what was wrong I met her.... and when I did..... She said that I had whipped my son with a belt and had physically harmed my child. Obviously I was more than unhappy with what she had accused me of and asked why she had not mentioned this on Sunday previous and can I speak to my son. She refused and said that she didnt believe me and said It was obviously true. I then shouted at her that it is complete rubbish, she then got up and drove away from the meeting point. 

In summary she has now banned me from seeing my son, and has also lied to a number of people about the incident. She has ignored the fact that my son in swimming trunks (to which I sent her) clearly show there are zero marks on him and completely ignored the fact that I would not do this. 

Her stance is based entirely on an argument from 2011 when we had a horrendous verbal argument and I confess I was pushed to the point of nearly hitting out. However, I did not and she also confirms I did not. I am sure most couples at some point have horrendously loud arguments about something. So now based on something that happened 6 years ago which did not result in any physical altercations whatsoever. And since then I have been living in the arrangements as above. 

What my ex wants me to do is speak to him with her present as well as her Ex and apologise for the incident. 
I have not done anything apart from tell my son off for doing something completely wrong in the first place. I would punish him again if he repeated the incident without hesitation. 


With regard to my access, we did not go to a court to go through access. I have asked for mediation on this but she also refuses this because she claims last time we went I lied to the mediator purely because I saw things different to her. We will never resolve these differences at all. However what I want to resolve is the access to my son and also stop her from refusing access at the snap of a finger. It is detrimental to all parties involved. 

Please can someone offer advice as to what I can do? I am at a total loss, I feel extremely powerless and actually more than depressed about this situation. She is making something out of nothing and stopping my connection with my child and making up false allegations
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#2
(06-17-2017, 03:26 PM)RDHamilton Wrote: I have been separated from my sons mother since 2011 and have not lived with her in the same property since March 2012. My son was born in March 2010. 

During this time and up until 2015 my son was living with me for 3 nights a week minimum. 
Since 2016 I have reduced this to 1 night and a day. This being Friday and Saturday until 5 or 6pm. 

2 weeks ago I told my son off for doing something he should not have done. 
His punishment was to sit in a chair - count to 70 and think about what he has done. 
This is actually the only the Third time I have ever shouted at him in his entire 7 years of existence. 
All was sorted and we had a hug and moved on. I then took him for a picnic and went swimming in the afternoon. Even taking pictures of him in the pool which I sent to his mother on the same day. The reason I did this is for the first time my son was totally swimming of his own accord and without any swimming aids. After food and swimming I then took him back to his mothers on Saturday evening. 

On Sunday I received a Text to say she needed to speak to me with regards to my son. 

I phoned 3 times and texted her. She did not reply. I spoke to her partner who said my son was fine and he would get my ex to call me back. She then replied by text and said it was about my son. 

During this time I was out of my head with worry but assumed all was OK her text read to meet somewhere on Tuesday (6th June 2017). 

So after 3 days of her not telling me what was wrong I met her.... and when I did..... She said that I had whipped my son with a belt and had physically harmed my child. Obviously I was more than unhappy with what she had accused me of and asked why she had not mentioned this on Sunday previous and can I speak to my son. She refused and said that she didnt believe me and said It was obviously true. I then shouted at her that it is complete rubbish, she then got up and drove away from the meeting point. 

In summary she has now banned me from seeing my son, and has also lied to a number of people about the incident. She has ignored the fact that my son in swimming trunks (to which I sent her) clearly show there are zero marks on him and completely ignored the fact that I would not do this. 

Her stance is based entirely on an argument from 2011 when we had a horrendous verbal argument and I confess I was pushed to the point of nearly hitting out. However, I did not and she also confirms I did not. I am sure most couples at some point have horrendously loud arguments about something. So now based on something that happened 6 years ago which did not result in any physical altercations whatsoever. And since then I have been living in the arrangements as above. 

What my ex wants me to do is speak to him with her present as well as her Ex and apologise for the incident. 
I have not done anything apart from tell my son off for doing something completely wrong in the first place. I would punish him again if he repeated the incident without hesitation. 


With regard to my access, we did not go to a court to go through access. I have asked for mediation on this but she also refuses this because she claims last time we went I lied to the mediator purely because I saw things different to her. We will never resolve these differences at all. However what I want to resolve is the access to my son and also stop her from refusing access at the snap of a finger. It is detrimental to all parties involved. 

Please can someone offer advice as to what I can do? I am at a total loss, I feel extremely powerless and actually more than depressed about this situation. She is making something out of nothing and stopping my connection with my child and making up false allegations

I have a feeling you can go direct to Court on this, as she is assuing you of hurting the child.

Fill in a C100.

State in your applicaiton that have have had arrangements in place for several years and due to this unfounded alligation, she has stopped your contact.

Ask the Court to put in a Guardian to invistigate the matter, and that you want it resolved by way of a "Finding of Fact" hearing.

If your arrangments work for you then fine, but you could get Friday till Sunday every 2 weeks, and up to half the school holidays if you asked the Court.

Also note that if you exceed 52 nights of "Staying Contact" a year, your Child Support will go down.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
What Mark says is right ... so follow that advice

As for the other stuff, you are allowed to discipline your child
He did something out of order and the 'naughty step' is a perfectly reasonable method of getting a message home to a kid

Apart from the fact you shouldn't be allowed to take picture of him in a public pool (illegal in UK i think)... this error actually works in your favour.
If you had physically whipped your son with a belt and had physically harmed him .... he'd be covered in cuts and bruises eh?
You pointed this out ... no need to tell her this... So those photos you need to save :-) just in case

In all honesty, she should have gone to the police ... she didn't as she has no evidence therefore she is making up the story to control your access... its wrong, wrong, wrong

You do not need to speak to your son with her present and you already hugged and moved on with your son... its finished and actually very little to do with her as it was on your time.

When kids do something wrong and there are no consequences... parents who don't discipline make a very stiff rod for their own back.. maybe not today but in the future

You did nothing wrong bud, but you may need to go to court to sort access.... if you don't this will happen again and again
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#4
I have posted case law to some effect on this, that when the NRP has the child, he is in charge essentially. the RP has no jurisdiction or say in what happens when he is in your control.

If you take her to court for access then this will become all very clinical and methodical, but seems that the only thing you can do is this

Just a bit of legal gumf

if you have Parental responsibility the essence of the Child Act 1989 is that it's not practical for a person with PR to have to ask another person's permission about everything to do with that child, there are certain exceptions such as boarding school etc that require total consent.
There is case law that supports this: in the judgment of the case of D. v D. (Shared Residence Order) [2001] 1 F.L.R 495, Lord Justice Hale said that where a child is being looked after by one parent, that parent must be allowed to take the decisions relating to the child. While this parent has care of the child, the other parent should not try to interfere with matters relating to this time during which they don’t have care of the child. This does not, of course, extend to taking decisions that contravene a court order. However, where possible, flexible and practical arrangements should be made.
When they live with you for the few days, you are being delegated the care on a temporary basis.
(The full legal gist is taken from the court of appeal document
(22) The background to the Children Act 1989 provision lies in the Law Commission’s Working Paper No 96, published in 1986, on Custody, and the Law Commission’s Report, Law Com No 172, published in 1988, on Guardianship and Custody. If I may summarise the basic principles proposed, the first was that each parent with parental responsibility should retain their equal and independent right, and their responsibility, to have information and make appropriate decisions about their children. If, of course, the parents were not living together it might be necessary for the court to make orders about their future, but those orders should deal with the practical arrangements for where and how the children should be living rather than assigning rights as between the parents )

(23) A cardinal feature was that when children are being looked after by either parent that parent needs to be in a position to take the decisions that have to be taken while the parent is having their care; that is part of care and part of responsibility. Parents should not be seeking to interfere with one another in matters which are taking place while they do not have the care of the children. They cannot, of course, take decisions which are incompatible with a court order about the children. But the object of the exercise should be to maintain flexible and practical arrangements wherever possible.
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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